pisspourri
SUB
calendar
MARCH 28-APRIL 1
CONTINUING EVENTS
Wednesday, March 29
Seminar: Seminar in Yokel
Government -Disorganization and
Re-Disorganization
10:00 and 1:30 in the University
Center -B.Y.O.B.
Demonstration: Un Kappa Fiff Men's
Hair Styling Demonstration will be
held outside the Rhesus Billing to
get our administrators to wear their
hair longer. Bring your own signs
and molotov cocktails.
Meeting: The Baptist Stupid Union
11:30 p.m. in the University
Sinner. Well, what can we say?
Leapfrog: UNCC vs. Gardner Webb
3:30 p.m. all over the tennis courts.
Thursday, March 30
Worship: Maundlln Thursday Reunion
service. Atheists cordially Invited.
5:00 p.m. in the Main Lunge of the
University Sinner.
Vampiremobile: The Red Cross
Vampiremobile will be on campus
looking for Blood. Also in the
Parquet Room -all day and half the
night.
Friday, March 31
Decision: Chancellor Colvard will
announce his indecision in the
Jordan Case.. Sometime, in the
Rhesus Building.
Saturday, April 1
Not one Goddamned thing
anybody knows about.
that
REPLACEMENT
INTERVIEWS
Wednesday, March 29
UNCC Administration: Looking for a
babbling idiot for a Chancellor -
level position.
Dow Chemical is looking for a napalm
expert.
The Journal is looking for a good libel
lawyer.
The Army Marines, Navy and Air
Force are looking for anybody.
Sonny and Cher will have a live sex
show at the Charlotte Coliseum on
March 27. Rumor has It that the
Carpenters will be there too; incest is
best.
The Beatles will make one last show
at the University Center Cafeteria on
March 21 at 8:00 p.m. Keep this one
quiet so all our students can get In.
The Charlotte Symphony will play
next Wednesday night, March 21.
Guest soloist is Jascha Heifetz, who
will also play the national anthem at
the next Charlotte Checkers Game.
Emerson, Lake and Palmer will give
a benefit concert at Ovens Auditorium
for the Jim Beatty Abortion Fund. Call
Jim and ask him for the details...
Porter Waggoner and the Foggy
Mountain Boys will play at the UNCC
graduation exercises in the latter half
of May. Featured Is Brahms Academic
Festival Overture.
Manor 607 Providence Road
-334-2727 Race for the Presidency
-starring Hubert Humphrey, Ed
Muskie, George McGovern, George
by reginald rocksoff
Susie Blows Her Big Chance and
Fred’s Place botn starring Connie
Cunnilingus and Fred Fellatio will be
shown on March 29 at 8:00 p.m. in
Denny 220. The films have no plot and
the only action Is sex, sex, sex. Come
and see...
Friday, March 31-
Monday, April 3
Holidays: Easter Holidays -No Classes.
Free Easter eggs will be given to all
UNCC students by Dr. Colvard. Call
extension 201 to reserve yours.
Friday, March 31-
Sunday, April 9
University Center Cafeteria: Will be
open for lunch only. During this
period they will begin to serve
recycled waste on an experimental
basis, in the Interests of ecology.
Friday March 31-
Sunday, April 9
Residence Halls Cafeteria: —Will be
open on Sunday, April 9 for what
SAGA calls “The Last Supper”
-wine will be served.
DAILY SCHEDULE DF EVENTS
Sunday, March 26
Contest: First Annual International
Vernal Atmospheric Pressure
Movement Utilization Contest -for
all you dumb bastards who don't
know what this is It's a kite-flying
contest. At 3:00 at the athletic
field.
Monday, March 27
Meeting: International Studies
Insultation -Dr. Martin
Chucklewitz, Insultant.
11:30 p.m. in the 10th Floor of the
Ivory Tower.
Meeting: Stupid Legislature
11:30 p.m. in the University
Sinner.
Tiddlywinks: UNCC at Pfeiffer
College.
Tuesday, March 28
Drama: Scenes from Major Modern
Plays- “Hair,’’ “Oh, Calcutta" and
the like. By the Acting Studio II
Class in the Theatre of the Rowe
Building.
C o 11 o q u e erium: Mathematics
Education Colloquim Speakers: Dr.
Albert Einstein, Max Planck, Alfred
South Blackhead. Topic:
“Preaching Computer Oriented
Sex" Sponsored by the HDL
Department (Honey-Dipped
Lunatics)
4:00 p.m. in the Christian Barnard
Building.
Workshop: Savings and Lone workshop
sponsored by the American Council
of Churches. 7:00 p.m. in the
Winningham Bulging.
Recital: Piano-Hardark Recital with
Peter Schicele
8:15 p.m. in the Rowe Recital
Hole.
Monday
8:00 p.m. Movie: Creature from the
7th Planet -starring Godzilla, Mothra,
Reptillcus and 679 Little Green Men.
The plot evolves around the heroic
attempts of the three monsters to
crush the little green men between
their toes. They save a grateful Earth
and Earth agrees never to make any
more of those horrible monster flicks.
Channel 7V2.
11:30 p.m. Movie: Big City
Newspaper -starring Mike McCuiley,
Charlie Peek, Jay Eaker, Sharon Deck,
Gonza the Squirrel and a cast of
thousands... The story of how a small
rural school newspaper grows into a
large metropolitan daily, the trials, the
troubles, the lawsuits... Channel 8.
Tuesday
4:00 p.m. Movie: The Jordan Case
-starring Dr. Leonard Jordan,
Vice-Chancellor McEniry and a bunch
of other dimwits... The story of a small
town college professor who Is purged
by the administration of the small time
college. Will truth, justice and the
American way win out? Tune in...
Channel 3.
8:00 p.m. Movie: Come With Me
starring Rakewell Squelch. This
X-rated flick follows the trials and
tribulations of an out of work
prostitute who is trying to teach her
4-year-old daughter the business.
You’ll shed a tear. Channel 6.
Wednesday
3:00 p.m. Basketball: The
University of North Carolina vs. UCLA
This is a rematch of the game that
never was. Center Bill Walden will foul
out with 2:00 gone and Carolina will
win in the final eight seconds 52 to 50.
Channel 67.
9:00 p.m. Speaking Freely: Dr.
Shelley Loins, Chairman of the
Political Science Department at UNCC
will discuss and show his home movies.
Most are rumored to be stag films.
Channel 42.
Thursday
5:00 p.m. The Report of the
Visiting Committee: -starring Addison
Reeses and others.. Mr. Reece explains
how he listened to student complaints
and then didn’t listen. This interesting
phenomena Is known as In one ear and
out the other. Channel 54.
6:00 p.m. Movie: Macbeth -starring
Abbot and Costello, Ronald Reagan,
W.C. Fields and Tammy Wynette. This
film classic portrays the famous play
by William Shakespeare in a light that
is seldom seen on the air... or anywhere
for that matter. Channel 67.
Friday
7:00 p.m. The Shafer Report: The
Report of the President’s Committee
on Marijuana The committee shares the
praise and acclaim it received for
reporting the truth. Also the
committee reports that the President
and his staff are users and therefore
they think that grass ought to be
legalized. Channel 69.
6:00 a.m. Movie: Hercules and the
Dpium-Eaters -starring Hercules
himself. Hercules sets out to destroy
the opium-eaters and becomes a slave
to the habit. As he wastes away, he
passes up all kinds of opportunities to
change his evil ways by rescuing
princesses and freeing the oppressed.
Channel 99.
Saturday
There ain’t one goddamned thing on
any channel that’s worth watching. If I
were you I’d study a leaf.
Sunday
5:45 a.m. Easter Brought to you live
and In color by all the networks is the
story (rather the fable) of how Christ
rose from the dead and was greeted by
those three whores. That Mary
Magdelene must have really been
something. Anyhow, live coverage of
the actual stone moving will be shown.
Oh yes, the sunrise service will be led
by J.C. himself. Oh come all ye
faithful... Channel 77'/4.
The UNCC Counseling Center will
have a special Shrink-ln for all
interested students on March 21 at
8:00 in the Union.
The Campus Security Police will
have an Auction on March 20, in the
basement of the Rowe Building. Some
items are: 19 lids of grass, a naval
patrol vessel for the lake which has
never been used, a slightly used air
compressor donated by Dick Daley, ^5
new grading systems which were
donated by various committees on
campus -never used, a set of well
preserved turkey bones found in Silas
Vaughn’s office, a hearing aid with a
broken on-off switch donated by
Vice-Chancellor McEniry, an empty jar
of vanishing cream used by Chancellor
(Campus Calendar notices may be
sent to the Journal c/o the University
Center. Keep your shit brief and legible
and we might print it.)
Wallace and a cast of thousands...
Shows on May 6, May 12, August 23,
and a big one on November 4.
Astor Art Theatre 36th St.
-696-6969... Her Strange Desires an
adaptation from the book by Regis
Patoff. Continuous shows from noon.
Cinema I Charlottetown Mall
-375-8411... Clockwork Banana
Directed by Stanley Kiwi from the
book by Anthony Ambergris. The
story of a young man who is
conditioned to walk like a banana.
Shows at 2:00, 4:00, 6:00, 8:00,
10:00.
Manners 999 Divine Providence Rd.
-234-5678... The First Picture Show, a
two-hour treatment of Thomas
Edison’s first flick showing his wife in
bed with another man... he was on the
phone at the time talking with A.G.
Bell. Shows at 2:22, 3:33, 4:00, 9:00,
13:00.
Village Freedom Drive -392-2005...
The Hot Rock -stars Robert
Blackwood, Erich Seagull and Godzilla.
The moving story of two men who try
to kill Godzilla by using a
flamethrower on his balls. Shows
whenever they can get Godzilla to hold
still.
Visualite Elizabeth Ave. -332-3371...
199 Motels -starring Frank Zipper and
Rheingold Star. The exciting story of
two men on the move from one motel
to the other. One is a dwarf who looks
like the other one (don’t ask me which
one). Shows at the Ramada Inn, The
Heart of Charlotte, The Golden Eagle
and anywhere else you can find them.
Colvard to get around on campus
without ever being seen and others...
There will be a Nude Swim In at the
lake sponsored by me on April 21
unless It snows. (Hell, I’ll even go first.)
Play: The Night of the Burning Bell
Tower, sponsored by the UNCC Drama
Department and directed by Jack
Nicholson. Tickets must be reserved at
least a week In advance.
BILLY graham will CRUSADE
at the Charlotte Coliseum April 5-9 at
8:00 p.m. For those of us who
couldn’t see him when he was here
with the President...
BLOOD
DONORS NEEDED
cash paid for service
COUNT DRACULA'S
BLOOD SERVICE
OPEN MON. - FRI.
Dark Till Dawn
At The Castle...
page six/the university voice/may 27. 1775
The UNCC Drama Department's
Spring production will be The French
Revolution, a play by famous French
playwright, Vichysoisse Soup. Directed
by Dr. James Hindsight, the cast will
number over a thousand, but Dr.
Hindsight reports that they are still
short some actors for the guillotine
scenes. It will be performed from
March 28 to April 1 in the Rowe
Experimental Theatre at 8:15 p.m.
Tickets are available at the box office.
The cast will include in the leading
roles: Bill Hippas Danton, Ralph Cook
as Robespierre, Lloyd Rose as Brissot,
Robert Rieke as Abbe Sieyes, Teena
Hicks as Calpurnia and many, many
more.
Set design is by William Crackley
and the lights are a God-given gift. For
this production, Mr. Crackley has
moved the Champes Elysses from Paris
to the basement of the Rowe Building,
so the scenes are guaranteed to be
authentic.
This is the largest production ever
attempted by the Drama Department
and it looks to be the finest ever. Don't
forget to get tickets early, as everyone
who is anybody is expected to attend.
The
doctor’s
brag
Dr. Wiener von Frankfort
6969 Hamborgstrasse
Ersatz, Germany 28213
Q; I have a weight problem and my girlfriend likes for me to stuff her full of whip
cream and perform cunniiingus. Whatshould 1 do? Tell her she has to cut down on
the calories or find myself another girl friend?
A: I see no reason for you to drop her just because of that. There are several fine
brands of low calorie whip cream on the market that would satisfy your girlfriend
and curb your caloric Intake. I have even heard that Reddi*Whlp plans to market a
small container of their product with a syringe some time next year. So you see,
there are many ways to lick your problem.
Q: I have a very large wart on my penis which makes me very self-conscious
whenever I go to bed with a girl. Do you know of any way that I can have this
corrected?
A: What the hell are you talking about, man? Just tell your girlfriends to lay back
and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy...
Q: I have a rather unusual problem In that I have to remove my tampons during
defecation. I have talked with several of my girlfriends and rVone of them report
any difficulty. How come I have this problem and how can it be cured?
A: Either you are the most grossly misinformed broad I have ever run across or
you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground. Most tampons boxes contain
instructions that explicitly show where to place the tampon. You don’t know
what you’ve been missing. Which brings me to another point. I would advise you
to let your girlfriends in on the secret.
Q: My boyfriend has a rather annoying problem. Whenever we get in bed with all
our clothes off, the device which I suppose he uses to urinate with gets big and
stiff. As If this weren’t the only thing, after sometime it discharges a white, milky
fluid. I have urged him to go to the doctor but he keeps saying that it has done
this for quite some time with no apparent III effects. Would you please set him
straight for me? I’m afraid he might be sick.
A: Boy, sweetheart, have I got news for you. I don’t know who gave you your
information about the birds and the bees, but I suspect you need to go through it
again. Send for my free booklet entitled, “The Copulation Explosion,’’ or discuss
this with your minister unless this is what you did in the first place. And do it
quick!
Q: I read your column every day in my hometown newspaper and I think that
you are the most backward, reactionary, out of touch with reality son-of-a-bitch
that ever lived. The shit you put in the Worry Clinic makes me sick. What do you
have to say about that.
A: I think that you have me confused with Dr. Crane so I’m forwarding your
letter to him with marginal notes, but I don’t think it will do any good.
Q: I am faced with a compulsion that I’m sure no other healthy male faces. I live
on the side of the dormitiry which faces the girls dorm and every night I find
myself watching the windoes waiting for some careless coed to undress. This
problem has gotten so bad that I neglect my studies and just sit by the window
and wait. What can I do to free myself of this horrible thing?
A: This particular problem is a lot commoner than you think. I must confess that
as an undergraduate, I was plagued with the same problem. The way 1 broke
myself of the habit was to start attending stag films and getting married. Even
today I sometimes catch myself watching expectantly at some raised shade... well
anyhow, if the compulsion gets too strong, you can always change rooms with a
friend on the other side of the dorm. I understand rooms like yours are very much
in demand.
Q: My girlfriend has some strange ideas about sex. She keeps wanting me to insert
my penis in her ear. I’m sure of this because everytime I try to stick it in her
mouth, she turns her head. What do you recommend?
A: Perhaps what we have here is a breakdown in communication. Have you sat
down with her and asked her what pleases and displeases her about your
lovemaking. Often problems such as these can be ironed out by simple discussion.
That sounds like all you're capable of anyway.
"ALL THEM LONG HAIRED FREAKS SHOULD BE PUT AWAY! SMOKIN' THEM GODDAM
DRUGS,' HEADIN' THEM DIRTY PAPERS AND DRESSIN' LIKE PIGS. LOCK 'EM UP, BY
GOD!" S*r****
If You Are
Pregnant and Need Help ?
TOO BAD....Call (collect if necessary) Area
code 999 969-6969 AND WE’LL TELL YOU WHAT
A NO GOOD SLUT YOU REALLY ARE... as if
you didn’t already know...