2
mJB WILMlNGOls MESSGBH. FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28, 19U6
M, CLAM'S SEARCH FOR
AMERICAN GOVERNMENT
(M. Clam, the noted Parisian journal
ist, haying attempted to locate the
American government, writes of his
perplexities.)
Washington, U. S., 19 Dec.
What is that government of these
United States? For many days I have
studied this great problem. I shall
now tell my countrymen of France
what I have failed to learn. It is with
despair that I write.
Before I have come to these United
States I have no perplexity, but now
. . . what shall I say to France?
In Frunce we say: "M. Roosevelt is that
government of those United States."'
In. Washington I do not know. 3 can
not tell.
Gayly I have written to my country
men that M. Roosevelt has sent his in
Mtructions to the congress. But now I
see the congress snap the finger at M.
Roosevelt! In affairs of terrible im
portance the congress smiles and turns
to the little things. M. Roosevelt in
th chapter 17 of that message instruo
ed the congress to make laws quickly
against the race suicide. The congress
has done nothing! In the chapter 21
M. Roosevelt said: "Make a law in
stantly to stop the lynch." Yet the
-ongress talks of everything evedy
thing but not of the great habit of the
lynch. Ten, twelve, twenty instruc
tions were made by M. Roosevelt, each
more imperative than those others. Yet
the congress still smiles and yawns,
For one week I trembled. Those
American newspapers filled me with
the dread. One said: "M. Roosevelt
Demands Reforms!" One other said:
"CBgres Gets Its Orders!" One other
naid: "It's Up to Congress!" One
other said: "Tips from Teddy!" One
other said: Millionaires on the Run!"
One other said: "Trouble Begins in
Waskington!"
Yet the congress did not excite. One
two three days passed. The law of the
race suicide did ndt pass. The law of
the lynch did not pass. The great mess
age was in the pigeon's hole! I looked
and listened, agitated extremely. Would
it be revolution? Many times I thought
1 heard the rataplan of those drums:
Ihe tramp-tramp of the army toward
that capitol! I shuddered to think of
those congressional widows, those sen
atorial orphans ....
Yet nothing has happened. I have
disappointment and chagrin. What
shall I think? If M. Roosevelt is not
the government, where is that govern
ment? That is the question.
One tning has made great perplexity.
It is tbe simplified spell. This thrice
important problem, makes those Amer
icana wonder where is their govern
ment. In the summer, before that
supreme tribunal meets, M. Roosevelt
issued a decree: "Let it be the simpli
fied spell. No word shall be spelled in
the difficult manner. Obey this." Very
well! Those newspapers said "All
wonts must be simple. The govern
weat araet not us great words. This
is the rder of M. Roosevelt" Those
newspapers did not change, because
Iney love those great words. They said:
"T3.s government must now make itself
understood."
When the supreme tribunal meets it
najs the finger at M. Roosevelt and
the simiplified spell! The newspapers
aid: "Beware, this is the government
?4atA" But that supreme tribunal
does aot read those newspapers. Those
people aid: "The supreme tribunal
defies the government! Prepare for
revolution!" But nothing happens!
Tbe frapreme tribunal uses greater
words than ever. Where is the govern -aieai?
An, that is the question!
Amd now the' congress is told of that
government order. Everywhere it
stumbles upon that simplified spell.
What could it do? With simple words
the tpongress would be lost! How could
it fill th Record Congressional? Yet
it is the government's order! At the
Jast one Congressman with the genius
said "What is the government?"
Those colleagues of his were astound
ed. It was the new question. They
saik "What is the government? Is it
not M. Roosevelt?"
H said: "That supreme tribunal
Fnaps the finger at the simplified spell.
Yet M. Roosevelt does nothing. So
those people begin to say: 'What is
the government?' But if the congress
obeys the simplified spell those people
will fray: 'An! Now we know that
is the government. It is M. Roosevelt!'
Let us snap the finger, too, and nobody
will know what is the government!,'
Tbe reply: "Hurrah! Let us snap
the lager!"
Again I tremble. Those newspapers
fill Me with the agitation. One says:
"Simplified Spelling Strangled, but
Struggling! " One other, says: "Con
gress Contemptuous Roosevelt Rous
ed!" On other says: "War of the
Words Wow!" One other says:
"Where i that Government Now?"
All, that is the question! I ask
many savants, many doctors of the
jurisprudence, but they say: "Yoa
ask too much, M. Clam! We cannot
tell where is that government yet. We,
too, are looking for it!"
Today I was stricken with that bril
liant Idea I ehall ask M. Twain, that
thrice renowned litterateur!
"XL Twain!" said I, "will help me!
lie knows most things that other men
do net. He shall tell me why that
simplified spell does make the gov
ernment disappear."
I found M. Twain in his hotel. He
was in hie bed, smoking that grand
pipe, reading that Ladles Home Jour
nal. I said: "M. Twain, I have per
plexity with great agitation. Help me,
dear colleague!"
His reply: "What, my dear Gam,
Is your agitatdon?"
I said: '"Tell me first of the simpli
fied spell. What do you say?"
Hia reply: "Well. I have embar
rassment. One article by me will be
ia that magazine soon. If I tell you
my thcu&it that magazine wlh be
ruined. How can I talk when that
magazine pays me 30 cents for each
ward?" . j
I t&ii: Hare Tie fc.tr, dear col
league! " Instantly I extricated the "0
cents from my pocket.
I said: "My paper regards not the
cost, M. Twain. Tell me one word of
your thought. What do you think of
that simplified spell r
"His reply: "Great!"
I said: "Ah, that also is my thought!
Say no more, M. Twain. Now 1 can
build the great interview with you.
after that American fashion. Yet I
have still the perplexity. That supreme
tribunal and the congress snap the
finger at M. Roosevelt and the great
simplified spell. If that order may "oe
thus denied without the revolution,
what is the government? Where is it?
Who is it? How is it? Tell me quick
ly! How can I tell my countrymen of
the government of those United Statea
if I cannot find it?"
His reply: "Now, my dear Clam, do
not have the despair. It may be best.
Perhaps there is no government! Think
of those poor Americans who have ex
pended their lives dodging the govern
ment! What chagrin to them, if there
is no government! Yet what relief!"
I said: "Ah, yes, but I have read of
that government ownership. How shall
that be true if there is no govern
ment?" His reply: "You have driven me to
the corner M. Clam! I will make the
great admission. It is true that those
people are making up the mind to
own the government! But it is riot
yet accomplished. Much must yet be
done."
I said: "Those people must first find
the government?"
His reply: "Yes, that is the truth."
Helas! M. Twain was in the dark
ness, much as I. . With great force
I drove away that perplexing problem,
and talked with M. Twain of other
things. I listened with great pleasure
to nine chapters of the autobiography
which he was so patient to read. Then
I predicted to him those letters upon
th AmAricAn affairs which I shall
write to my countrymen. Much infor
! mation of incredible value was given
' to me by M. Twain freely for those
people of France. Yet, at the last
with sadness I left him. Where is the
' government? That is my desire o
, know.
; v
' Those newspapers yesterday said:
i "Government Will Build Biggest Battle
: Ship Afloat! Terrible Battle Ship
Skeered-o'Nothin' Soon to be Launch
j ed!" With delight I said: "Ah, now
I shall find the government. It is in
. the Ministry of Marine!"
; Instantly I consulted that directorate
' of officials. Aha! "Secretary of the
Navy, ML Bonaparte."
Bonaparts! The scion of Napoleon!
I said: "It is the blood that tells!
How can I wonder more that 'chose
United States are great? It is the
French genius at the head!"
My decision was made at onoe. Hail
ing a fiacre, I drove rapidly to the
Ministry of Marine. My cara l pre
sented to the Negro American attend
ant. "M. Bonaparte!" said I, with
hauteur.
In one moment M. Bonaparte ran
out "Welcome, M. Clam!" said he in
the French, embracing me warmly.
"How are those people of the France?
Do they forget the great Napoleon and
those numerous descendants of him?
What brings you to those United
States?"
With difficulty I conversed with M.
Bonaparte. His use of the French is
what shall I say politely? His for
getfulness, I shall say, is liberal. Also
with disappointment, I looked for re
semblance of the great Napoleon. Yet,
thought I, nature delights in the dis
guise. This man may be perhaps great
even if the French language is too
much for him.
I said: "Those newspapers tell, M.
Bonaparte, of the grand battle ship
'Skeered-o:-Nothin' which you shall
build. You, then, are the government?"
His reply: "I have difficulty In un
derstanding, M. Clam. Yet it is true
we shall build the biggest battle ship."
I said: "Who shall do that?"
Hia reply: "We shall that is the
government. We have decided. Now.
when Hale approves those plans and
makes that appropriation, we shall
build."
I said: "Hale? Who is Hale?"
"Hia reply: "13L Hale is that senator
who dictates that policy of the n.ivy."
Again I was dismayed. I could see the
government begin to disappear again!
I said: "Then you are net the gov
ernment, but M. Hale is the govern
ment?" His reply: "Pardon me, M. Chun!
This is the busy day."
I said: "Pardon, M. Bonaparte. I
encroach! Yet I shall pursue the gov
ernment until I find it Adieu! "
M, Bonaparte with politeness came
to the door with me. "Adieu, my eir
Clam! Remember me to those people
of the France! Do you go to seek M.
Hale?"
I said: "What shall I do? I despair. "
His reply. "If, M. Clam, yon see M.
Hale, please detect what he intends,
and give to me the friendly tip, for
the government's sake."
I said: "With grand pleasure, M.
Bonaparte! Adieu! "
Diablo! I am as far behind as be
fore! 1 learn nothing! Many Amer
icans have great laughter when I say
M. Hale is the goveramemt. Soon it is
plain that Iff. Hftle is bo whom I
seek. Can he settle the great problem
of the simplified spell? No! Then he
is not the government, after all! Why
should I seek him? Bah!
Everywhere I hare Inquired diligent
ly to find the government, but not one
American can tell. Do those people
run the government, or does the gov
ernment run those people? Before
these elections those oficdals la Wash
ington say: "Whatever those people
eay will be, done." After' those elec
tions, those people eay : "Whatever the
government says will be done. We ore
up against it!"
. It appears to me thus: If M. Roose
velt knewa. or thinks he knows, what
zhoea newspapers iri tor Cms people,
ami instructs the eonrres3 to make
iboce tews, a3 if te oeftsress agrees
that those newspapers wish what M.
Roosevelt thinks they wish, and make
jthose laws; and if the supreme tribu
nal decides that those wishes and laws
!are inside the constitution; and if
those newspapers shout violently for
the enforcement of those laws, then
that is the government of those United
States. But in many things M. Roose
velt cannot tell what those newspapers
wish. In other things the congress
cannot tell or does not care what M.
Roosevelt wishes. In other things the
supreme tribunal decides against the
will of the congress. In other things
those newspapers cannot tell what the
supreme tribunal decides. In all such
cases it is the terrible confusion, de
nunciation, discord, shouting, bedlam,
anarchy! Then if there is a govern
ment of those United States, it hides
quickly, and those people cannot find
it. Everybody shouts together: "The
jother fellow, he is the government! He
is to blame!
There is no government! No one
is to blame!
Yet there is no revolution. Those
men who are to blame, they quickly
invent one new threatening sensation
Land give it to those newspapers. In
stantly there is fresh uproar and those
people turn away from that old troubl?.
They say: "Hurrah! Here is one new
terrible excitement! We shall again
tehudder!"
What a nation! . . . What a
people! CLAM
(Copyright, 1906, by S. S. Cline.)
Pl&cine an Order for a Slave.
The following is part of a letter, writ-
ken in 1376, placing an order for a beau
tiful girl slave, and containing the
specifications which the buyer is to fill.
It is taken from F. Marion Crawford's
new love story of old Constantinople,
serial publication of which begins in
The American Magazine for January:
"Most Beloved and Honored Frienil:
I despatch this writing by the oppor
tunity of Sebastian Corner's good ship
T Hoc?r 1 n i.it vnn urjll l-.nir
for me the most handsome slave that
can be had for the money I offer, or
if the girl were surprisingly beautiful,
for three hundred and fifty ducats.
"The truth is, most noble friend,
that my wife, who is, as you know, ren
3rears older than I, and impede! bj
rheumatism, is in need of a youthful
and accomplished companion to help
her to pass the time, and as 1 have al
ways made it my duty and my business
ko fulfil and even, as in the present case
to anticipate her wishes. I am willing
to spend this large sum of money for
fche sole purpose of pleasing her. Mora-
bver, I turn to you, most dear sir and
friend, well knowing that your kind
ness is only matched by your fine taste.
My wife would, I am sure, prefer as
a companion a girl with fins natural
hair, either quite black or very fair,
the red auburn color being so common
here as to make one almost wish that
women would not dye their hair at all.
My dear and honored friend, the teeth
are a very important matter; pray
give your most particular attention to
their whiteness and regularity, for my
wife is very fastidious. And also, I
entreat you, choose a slave with small
ankles, not larger than you can span
with your thumb and middle finger.
My wife will care less about a very
small waist, though if it be naturally
slender it is certainly a point of beauty.
In all of this, dearest sir, employ for
love of me those gifts of discernment
with which heaven has so richly en
dowed you, and I trust you will con
sider the commission a fair oae. Se
bastian Corner, who is an old man will
take charge of the slave and bring her
to Venice, if you will only see that she
is properly protected and fed until he
(Is ready to sail., and this at the usual
rate. I have also agreed with him that
she is not to be lodged in the common
cabin with the other female slaves
whom he will bring from the Black
Sea on hia own account, but separately
and with better food, lest she should
grow unpleasingly thin. Yet it is
understood that his regular slave mas
ter is ta be responsible for protection.
land will watch over her behavior dur
ing the voyage. This, my most worthy,
dear and honorable sir and friend, is
the commission which I beg you to
undertake; and in this and all your
other affairs I pray that the hand of
Providence, the intercession of the
saints, and the wisdom of the one hun
dred and eighteen Nicene fathers may
be always with you. From Venice.
Marco Pesaro to the most noble patri
cian, Carlo Zeno, his friend. The four
teenth day of March in the year 137C."
A Man Who Suffer d in tli White
Hons .
Ida M. Tarbell. writing of "The
Tariff in Our Times" in The American
(Magazine, presents many interesting
pictures of the great political and bus
jiness generals who figure in her narra
jtive. Here is a paragraph about An
drew Johnson:
) "Certainly Jonuson suffered th tough -
out his four years as president as tew
people at the time realized. One of his
secretaries once said that in the two
years he was with him in the White
(house he never saw him smile but once,
jlll himself, his beloved wife a bed-rid-.den
invalid, unfitted for companionship,
suspicious of his associates, narrow in
mind, bitter and resentful in heart,
there was tittle reason indeed why An
jdrew Johnson should smile. Yet un
questionably he got a grim pleasure
from his vetoes, even out of hia im
peachment trial. He believed he would
be convicted, and his secretary tells
of the satisfaction he got from the idea
that his prosecutors would all come to
pad ends. He learned Addison's Cato
I by heart, and went about the White
housa rooms delhrerinir it. He studied
Jthe trial of Charles I, of England, and j
ordered the names of those who signed
the death warrant and the terrible
His secretary says he believes Johnson
was not a little disappointed when, he
was acquitted. It took from him the
bitterest of the many bitter cuds he in
cessantly chewed.''
if "take at the Sneeze Stage,. Pre
vent! ca a toothsome candy Tablet
will aoreir and quickly check an aj-
proaohimgp sold of Lagrippe. When you f
.first catch coll r feel It coming on
jt&ke Dr. Snoop's Prevemtics, aid the
jprorjipt effect will certainly surprise
land please yon. Prevent! oa, surely scp
jply the prorers&l "oii&ee of preven
tiaa." Sold fn 5 cat ac 25 cat kew
ly ReWrt B. Bellamy.
The Know It AIL
Ry?OST agt;rvat!n customer tv-ux JCIcl:-
JV cd-rcus Erorta.
i X TV2io knowed it all an bound u
have his say.
There vrx:znt no Ihcayter play tl.et ev-
ccr.ic to town
EjI Drown he'd sit to see It. night .
lay.
He'd make a p"int to git his scat 'f.r.
zv.y cf the rest.
An' v.hen tho curtain riz upon tho p'.:.
An' iill th actors got to work a-doin'
their best
He'd snicker in his agervatin way.
An' when the most excItJn' part ci ;.:!
rviz ffittin near
An folks wuz sittin nervous an per
plexed Old Brown he'd whisper loud enough for
every one to hear.
"I'll bet you I kin tell v'at's cornin
next."
Thar w.zn't any curin him. He'd b th
?nm. in church
Or anywheres he happened fur to bz.
Fur. like an old poll parrot jest a-settm
on its perch.
He'd squawk to al2 his critics, "Talk i
free."
But when the grip wuz goin round last
winter wuz a year
It tackled on to Nick an took him
down.
An then he got religion, fur he thought
his end wuz rear.
;An sure enough, that wuz the end o
Brown.
His folks wuz all a-gathered round, an'
jest before he died.
While Deaaon Jones wuz radin of a
text.
The sick man smiled, an "Well, I'm done
with this here world," he sighed.
"I'll bet you I bin tell w'ate comin'
next."
T. A. Daly in Catholic Standard and
Times.
Slay be Site la Xot the Only One.
;J ,U
4
A
Banker's Daughter Tho baron loves
me. He proposed to me today.
Her Friend Then he loves you. But
do you know whether he loves any one
else? Jugend.
Opportune.
"What are you doing?" harshly de
manded the brutal husband, abruptly
entering the room.
"I'm just going to trim this forty
nine cent hat I bought yesterday," re
plied the trembling wife.
"Extravagant woman, you will ruin
me with your everlasting bargain hunt
ing!" he exclaimed, enraged, and, seiz
ing the hat, he cnimpled It in his hands,
trampled it underfoot and, finally fling
ing it into the corner of the room,
strode away.
Weeping, the wife stooped to pick
up her insulted property, but her tear
stained face was irradiated by an ec
static rapture as her eyes fell upon it.
"Oh," she exclaimed in delight, "now
it is the exact shape of that ferty dollar
French hat I saw yesterday, and I nev
er could have got it that way my
self! All It needs is a couple of blue
roses and a bunch f lavender butter
cups." Lippincott's Magazine.
A Puzcler.
In a certain town are two brothers
who are engaged in the retail coal
business. A noted evangelist visited
the town and converted the elcer broth
er of tbe firm. j
For weeks after his conversion the
brother who had lately "got jreligion"
endeavored to persuade the 'other to
join the church. One day when tbe
elder brother was making another ef
fort he asked:
"Why can't you, Richard, join the
church, as I did?"
"It's all right for you to be a mem
ber of the church," replied Richard,
"but if I join who's going to weigh the
coal?" Cleveland Leader.
Pnbllc Office.
"Well, Moses," began the senator as
a grinning southern darky was ushered
Into his presence at Washington, "what
brings you here?"
"Mars Joe," replied Moses, "I's got
'portant business, sab. I want er of
fice." "You want an office? Why. what run.
you do?"
"Do, Mars Joe? What does every
body do that gets er office? Ble?s yer
heart, Mars .Tor. yer don't un'stand olo
Moses. I ain't hokin' fer work. sab.
I only wants er office." Philadelphia
Ledger.
A Mere Babe.
"Ah, me!" sighed young Kallow,
with a lovelorn glance at the object of
his affections. "I was so full of mis
ery I tossed and turned upon my bed
last night and could not sleep."
"You don't say!" remarked the heart
less girl. "What's the matter with
you teething?" Catholic Standard and
Timet.
Always After Him.
Sandy Pikes Did you ever follow de
horses, pard?
Gritty George No; I always Lad as
much as I could do to keep de horses
from- following me.
Sandy Pike Race horses? '
Gritty George No, saw horses. ChV
tago News.
He Tried It Omee.
"What made your husband's hair
turn so gray? He's still a yocag mam.
Was it the result of son terrible
fright?"
"No. He once trtcl to Cure ft fcsoze
j can play an. Pins, protested Mrs. Per
i Lias.
"I hrf3'l t!;e subtest doubt of it.
Urr. IV! There are several neigh
bors who t.u wenr your hat and)
sboo, but r.: yen gohis to keep batsj
nnJ shoes f'- n!- !hors s
hov.cver. tL u v.e;: -head and cot i
- t
a now pUao. I you Uuow that piano j
;.!ay!rc niak.-. .rc ? :i rt;;;.! shoulder- j
td :.uI weak v.t:ed auJ onsunsp- f
tivcV :
I never Ltard ::,at it did and don't j
bI.cve If." j
"I cov
l y the
vcis ineiicai ?Ut'..;cs
Within the zt tea
yeur p I- of tke arm ha be
corr.e to cvlj..:oj that th? doctors at
trlbuu tt tn i iar.o playing. There are
hundred of iiitauocs where yemnc
ladies have !ot the ue of both arms
for a year. If we Lad a p5aao 1
couldn't run the risk of your losing the
use of your arms. How, then, could
you lonsrer hug me? How prepare the
meals and make the bedr"
"Vou are simply trying to twist out
of it, just as you always do," Mid
Mrs. Perkins, with her eyes full of
tears.
My dear, I am no twister. I am
simply a logician and a philosopher. I
reason things to a conclusion. We
cannot afford a $1,U00 piano, and on
top of it a $500 rug, a $250 parlor suit
and five or six paintings costing $100
apiece. All that capital would be shut
up In a cold parlor for the winter. If
put Into ice for next season it might
be doubled. And there's another
thing."
"Ohf you can be finding excuses for i
a week to come."
"This is no excuse, but a fact. Thtt
old straight legged, broken keyed piano
belonged to my first wife. Don't jump
up and grow red in t he face, for I'm j
not hitting at you. The iirst time 1
called to see her. when we were both
young people, she was playing on that
piano. She was pounding. She was
howl::);;. Her eyes were lolling heav
enward. I fell in love with her at
once."
"I won't stay'." declared Mrs. Per
kins as she stamped her foot on tbe
flrtnr
Must a moment, my dear. She con-
tinued to pound and howl all through
our engagement. She brought the old
piano along when we were married.
Every day and every evening it vj-4
pound and howl. I talked to her of the
risks she ran, but she was self willed.
She finally began to fade. The doctor
said she lasted a year longer than he
expected, but she went with a rush
when she did go. She had been pound
ing and howling one evening and the
neighbors had telephoned for the po
lice and all the dogs for a mile around
were barking, when I observed a sud
den change come over her, and she fell
off the piano stool and was dead in a
moment. She never opened her eyes
or spoke. There's my case. Mrs. Per
kins, and"
"I say you are a dodger and a
twister!" exclaimed Mrs. Perkins as J
she gave a sniff of contempt and walk- j
ed stiffly out of the room. j
Mr. Perkins stooped to scratch his
ankle and then straightened up to I
scratch his uo.se aud then smiled and
said to himself: i
"Put, then, don't a married man have j
to be?" M. QUAD. 1
Modern '!rtBfH. i
Recently a city editor Sn Ottumwa,
la., was informed by phoue at a late I
hour that a prominent citizen had (
died suddenly. Calling one of the j
repononai MaTT. me euy editor In-
strutted him hurriedly, and the yoang
man shot cut of the office on double
quick. Some twenty minutes later he
returned, and : he hastened to the
corner w!ire Im typewriter stood Ihe
city editor ;.s!;i h.m:
"Well, what ;:l:.t it?"'
"Oh, nothing." ":d the joung man
as he began making the keys rattle,
"only as Mr. Blank w:is walking along
the street he says. Tin going to die,'
and he leamd up acr.inr-t the fence
and made good" .lnde.
I-'arf In tbe Caae.
Lawyer (examining witness) Do you
know the man who formerly owned
this gun?
Witness Yes, sir.
Lawyer Is he in the courtroom?
Witness No, sir.
Lawyer Where is he?
Witness I don't know.
Lawyer When and where did you
see him last?
Witness -Six months ago at bte fu
neral. Detroit Tribune.
One Good
'ihe Sportsman Whats the bes
i
place for quail in these parts?
The Rustic Toast, I gueis. Cleve
land Leader.
Utn Specialty
"Yes," said Bradley. "I'm in this
bowling match, and you can depend I'll
give a good account of myself."
"Yes, when you tell about it after
ward you'll make it sound all rights
Philadelphia Press.
So There!
The. world is better nowadays
Than fifty yeara ego.
I know, and there ere rrsanr ways
That give me'eause to kcoir..
Aye, though yon pkk a rcore jf flaw
Since twoEcn-v- years and ten.
X ay 'tin bciier now because
You wer ot la !t then.
Clveland TjtL&tr.
Plate.
Hie Perkins Family,
Have Their Troupes
b mm a m T vv If
Whv the Head of ihe ramify Utdi
Kct n Qid PW
r
tor a New One
.
ICcprriv. ltV tn. McClure News
p.vpir Syndicate.
IW
AND MllS. PERKINS had
trot f?tn!ed for the evening
and were seemingly content
and happy when she looked
up from her book and queried:
"Mr. Perkins would It put yen out
very much if I were to ask you a que
tUnV "Why. dear, you may ask me ten
thousand.'
"And yon won't be v-xed?"
"Nothing you could say would vex
me. Proceed."
"Well. oe day last May. wnen we
were sitting on the front steps, I poke
to you about the piano. Do you re
member?" "I do, my dear, and I have the evi
dence right here in my p3.ct. My
memorandum book says U was ok the
18th day at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.
It was a beautiful day. What ycu aid
to me about the piano w&a:
M 'It is forty yeara okl.
"It is old faahloned.
1
i
It has straight legs.
'There are seven broken kej,
" 'The pedals are out of order.
'It wheezes like an old hocse.
" 'JCverybody makes fun of IrL
" 'Can't you turn it in toward a new
one;
"Those ver your observation, Mrs.
Ferkins. Have you anything to ndd to
them tonight':"
"Did you put down rhat you taid In
reply?"
"1 did, and here it !s:
" 'Yes, it is nn old pi .no.
" 'I have been ahl..ituod of it for
j Tears
During the next three SDontna I
! eba11 turn " n toward a new one.
" 'It must drive the neighbors dis
tracted to hear you try to play en It.
"'Say no more, darling. Yon shall
have a new piano before tbe lat of
September.
"Those were our respective remarks
and observations, Mrs. Perkiaa, aa ac-
m:i; v. A3 I orNDU.G.
j
j curatr'ly rcr-.!-d hre.
auyf.'i ..- to mid t. h
1 nie..J '"
) "YW-I wanted to
j tiou to the far-t :h.:t
aud have you
.ii at tbi mo-
il your attcu
.ptercaer hsd
com and gone."
knowledge it."
r.d tbe old j.Inno stands taere yet.
in lb parlor."
"Acknowledged again."
"And, so far as I know, no step
have been taken to replace ft wWl a
new one."
"Not a step, Mrs. Perkins, aad I am
now prepared to reason the Cttso with
you. I have been expectlag ta roasen
it with you for the last inout fti fact,
I was hoping you would speak t me
about it this very evening."
"Well, I have spoken." "
"You see, my dear." began Mr. Per
kins, as he drew a long brewth, w
must begin at the beginning. Neither
of us is a musician. We have aeither
f?on nor daughter to play. We rilght
irr-it ua t-i !l 1i.a m ......... i. i itTu
par: or for nil the use we couCd ake
of it. If we had a thousand dollar
piano, what good would It do ma?"
"Why, I play, and you know I d
and fcnve praised me." replied Mrs.
Perkins in an injured tone.
"My dear woman, let tzs look facta
In the face. Yon drum on the plan.
Yon howl an accompaniment. Yon ro!!
yonr eyes. You hump your shoulder.
At various times I have said that yo-i
1 layed beanl'fuJly. I did it to keep
you playing end Lave revenge on the
neighbors."
"How dare you talk to aae that
way?
"Come, now, le reasonable. You
never took a mu!c lesson in yocr I If
did you?"
"So. but what of that?"
-You can't sin; any mere' than a
crow."
-But if I can't"
"I don't revert to these things to bu
millate yon. Jlrs. Perkins, but stmpV
to clear the ground for a start. It i
a husband's business to pfttoe hi
wife's pUylcg even if It gl Tt him
toothache. Tbe eold fact Is tst aei
tber of s can play or King. Therefore,
of what use is a thousand dollar plana?
Yon will answer that one woM ofc
nicse ia the parlor. I agree
but when you have a SLOOO pieWaa
must have a $500 rug ta go idta it;
also a new parlor salt'
Hat Ust fir ceTeral aelct!wa
C
t .