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- i'.-VV". ir - VOL. I. Moravian falls, north Carolina, February, 1910. NO. 2. FOOL-KILLERj WHO GOT SNUBBED? Alas, and did I read it right? Or have my eyes grown dim? Did Fairbanks snub the Pope Rome, Or did the Pope snub him? ' of THE HOBO AND THE HOE. TUR.N THE R.ASCAL LOOSE! The Hoosier statesman was in Rome A-taking in the town; He talked with the Italian king, And did the job up brown, He had his plans already made To drop in right away And shake the Pope's old fishy hand And pass the time o' day. 4 Meantime the Methodists had sent A very strong request; It said that by the Hoosier man They'd like to be addressed. And then the Pope a message sent; It ran: "Loo& here ahem! 7 If you desire to talk to ME, You must not talk to them!" The Methodists got theirs, all right ; The Pope his share was slim; And now did Fairbanks snub the Pope, , Or did the Pope snub him? self-respecting prisoners will pe tition for pardons, and who can blame them? They will close their; Word comes from Missouri that . The following is a copy of the roll-top desks with, a pang of re- Ijsome of the charitably-inclined out petition which is beiuo- circulated there are working on a plan to col- in behalf of Convict Morse, onize the hoboes. George M. Read it: Jackson, a wealthy farmer, has "To His Corpulency, William I offered to donate 4.000 acres of TTmvnTvl T-ff , ' . I v -a..v, A vOlUV11 U J I ' llllC (land for the purpose. J. Harvey United States: 1 Nolan, a Socialist, has offered sev- "Dear Bill: We. the under- A TERRIBLE CRIME. gret, and the chains and padlocks that have held them there for years will tnow them no more. forever. How utterly sad to contemplate! Oh, murder! Police! Run here wittrtlienltt ble crime has been committed. can hardly hold back the scalding tears long enough to pen these immortal lines. One of the contributors to "The Star of Hope," an .intellectual journal published by the inmates of Sing Sing prison, has been de tected in the crime of stealing editorial thunder from the works of Bill Shakespeare, Julia Ward Howe, and other great editors. Oh, the pity of it! The shame of it! How it upsets our time honored traditions to think of a citizen of Sing Sing in the capaci ty of a thief! The bright pages of "The Star of Hope" are contami nated forever, and all Sing Sing howls. If Shakespeare had pla giarized from "The Star of Hope" it would have caused no surprise, as we have always heard that Shakespeare was a sheep-rogue in his young days; but for "The Star of Hope" to plagiarize from Shakespeare well, what is the world coming to, anyhow? The effects of this crime will be far-reaching. The uttermost ends of the earth will wail because of it. All the eminent literary men who have looked forward with pleasure to spending a few years at Sing Sing will now heave a mournful sigh and return mechan ically to their pld tasks. All the THE COST OF LIVING. The cost of living has come up for discussion, and the wise ones are putting their heads together to see what can be done about it. The trouble seems to be that ev erybody is charging everybody too much for everything that ev erybody has to buy. TsTow if every body would sign up an agreement with everybody to charge every body only half as much for every thing as everybody pays for ev erything today, it seems to me that everybody would then be perfectly happy. t A man's existence here in the world costs just all that can be squeezed out of it. If a man's in come is $200 a year he can live passably well on $200. But if .his; then it takes $1,000 a year to run him- And so it goes. The more a man prospers and the bigger his wad, the harder the world squeezes his hand to make him drop it. The process of living manages to wring from a fellow, in one way or an other, about, all he can make, be it much or little. There are excep tions, to be sure, but I am speak ing of the average plodder through this wilderness of tears-the men on the dead level of humdrum ex1 istence, with no rich uncle and no political pull. The consumer is the key to the whole situation, but he can't help himself. Every time he moves up a step in his methods of living, the departments above him auto matically adjust themselves to a new cost basis, and thus the mer ry war goes on. Man is a bull when he wants to sell and a bear when he wants to buy; and the bull movements and the bear movements work out by the. rule of cancellation and leave us right where we started. Then we start all over again and get the same results as before We kick if the price we sell at is low, and we kick if the price we buy at is high. And it all goes to empha size the fact that we don't any of us know much about what we want, nohow. eral hundred acres more. And so signed members of the Society for they are going to take up the un- the Prevention of Punishment for washed knight of the road, give- Thieves, do humbly command him a soap-bath and a goose-neck your Excellent Fatness , to write hoe, and put him to farming. out and sign without delay a full Maybe they are, but I doubt it. and absolute pardon for Charles I am also "from Missouri" in this Way ward Morse, our unfortunate particular case, and they will have brother who is now doing time in to show me. When they get all the Atlanta Federal Prison. the Plodding Petes and all the "We know that Morse is guilty Meandering Mikes rounded up in of every crime in the catalogue of a nice bunch and go to drilling high finance, and that he richly them in the science of agriculture, deserved a life-sentence instead of I would like to be there to see. 1 fifteen years. But that isn't the would like to stand in open- question. Morse was one of the mouthed wonder on the sun-lit Big Ikes, and the court had no summit of Hobo Heights and right to send him to prison. If he watch the desert blossom like the had been a one-gallus laboring pumpkin vine. man and had stolen a chicken or All that would be as pretty as a pair of old shoes, then the court red shoes, but I f never expect to would have had a right to hang SeTirlten are not built that way. The genus Morse was a poor down-trodden hobo is a natural outgrowth of money-king. He had never known civilization, and you can't rub him the luxury of owning a fine as off the map. He is here to stay, sortment of poverty. And just be lt would be cruelty to animals to cause he stole a few millions to try to make a farmer of the hobo. rUn a few banks to control a few He would pine away like a sick ice-houses to destroy a few lives, rat and go into the hands of a re- the law has dared to punish him ceiver. Pete likes his present job. 1 as severely as it would a chicken? Farmer Corntossel could never be thief! We refuse to submit to it. Pete, neither could Pete be Farm- We swear by the Great Hopping er Corntossel. The two profes- Toad that such an injustice shall Ml -1- 1 i-U ' i- I . 1 rni sions win not mix worm a ueuu not be done, xneretore we warn The hobo's home address is 23 y0u, Mr. President, that you had Skiddoo St., On-the-Roau, Any- better belly up to your typewriter where, and he likes to stay at and punch out that pardon right home. When he does travel he at once." carries his suit-case in one pocket and his trunk in another and puts up at the best strawstack on the road. He is president of the Work Haters' Union and secre tary of the Kitchen Door Grub It will pay you to be on the Seekers' Association. He works lookout for the March number of so hard devising wavs and means I The Fool-Killer. It will be by to keep from work that he has all odds the richest thing in the absolutelv no time to work. way ot a paper that you ever saw. But here's to the Socialistic I have several whopping big fools Look Out! Hobo Colony, and may it long and cut a wide swath. live Work hard, and cheat your fellow- men; Live on the scraps you cannot sell ; And there's nine chances out of ten That you'll die rich and go to hell. in soak, ready to be skinned in next issue. If yo'u want a piece of the hide for shoestrings you better send in your subscription to-day. Show this to all your friends and send in a big club. I am not talking to that other fellow now I'm talking to YOU! r i
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
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Feb. 1, 1910, edition 1
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