VOL. I.
MORAVIAN FALLS. NORTH CAROLINA, MAY, 1910.
NO. 4.
ROOSEVELT AND ROME.
Some men can be scared. Some
cnn be bulldozed. And some can
b3 bought. But not the man you
call Ted the Hunter. He does not
belong in either of those classes
Ted hangs on like grini death to
the thing he believes is right. The
only, way to change him is to con
vince him that he is wrong. If
you want a' permanent job you
can have that one. I mean, of
eourse,"the job of convincing Ted.
J he reason he is so nara to con-
vince that he is in the wrong is
because he has a very troublesome
habit of being always on the right
side.
A few weeks ago that little tin
god over in Home didn't know all
these things. Bufrhe knows now
And he is in a fair way to learn
still more if he will just keep his
ear to the ground.
I have never been any fool over
Fairbanks. Fact is, to take him
on the average, he isn't a man to
enthuse over. But when he shook
his fist in the face of that self
appointed "Vicar of God" and
told him to go to Hel ena,' Mon
tana, my enthuser began to leak
over the top just a little.
And then when Ted the Terrible
planted his number twelves in
the Holy Uity there was more
rattling among the dry bones of
Homan Catholicism. The dose of
mental salts that Roosevelt gave
to the old dope-eating dago caused
him to run off at the mouth just
'awful. He foamed and he fumed.
He jumped up and down. He act
ed for all the world like a mad
dog with its tail in the fire and
both hind feet in a steel trap. And
all because lie couldn't dictate to
a plain American citizen with a
pair of eye-glasses and some teeth.
In the presence of Roosevelt the
' Holy Pappy was no more than a
dry leaf in a whirlwind. The Lion
Hunter simply took the little old
egotistical wart of humanity be
tween his two thumb-nails and
cracked him just like you would
crack a flea, only a sight easier.
It took Ted only a few minutes to
make the fact known that there
would be no strings on him. He
. would speak where he pleased and
when he pleased, "and if the Pope
didn't like it he could lump it.
Three cheers for the man who
isn't afraid who refuses to sell
his freedom for ttie privilege of
- kissing the Pope's infernal old
hoof.
ALL KINDS OF FOOLS.
I'll sing a little snatch of song
About the fools that come along.
There's many fools of many minds
The harmless fool and other kinds.
Most pitiful and most forlorn '.
The fool in that condition born
The idiotic, staring fool,
With brain as dull as any mule.
Poor man! "lis not his fault alone;
In other lives the seed was sown;
We should not laugh at such 'a man
No doubt he does the best he can.
You've seen the fool upon a limb,
And sawing twixt the tree and him ;
Also the fool who thought it fun
To blow into a loaded gun.
One other fool that I despise .
Believes that he is very wise ;
I have no doubt that you recall
The tiresome fool who knows it all.
The business fool will scheme and
plan -A
thousand ways to cheat a man,
And cannot see that in the end
He'll die without a single friend.
Another place for fools to mix
Is in the field of politics ;
They hate the truth and love a lie,
And some sell votes and thers buy.
Bless goodness, I must not forget
The fools that form the social set;
Of all. the fools- that sin has nursed,
The fools of fashion are the worst.
'rhmv wi.n nln K.p.jvirm nv r.nA anftnr,. I
And jerk him down and throw him
j o j - '
out; - "
And high on Fashion's rotten throne
Old Mistress Folly reigns alone.
Religious fools of every kind
It is not difficult to find
So many gods, so many creeds,
That do not satisfy our needs.
The list is long, and yet they say
New fools are sprouting every day;
The Fool-Killer biffs 'em one by one,
And yet its task is never done.
REVERIES OF A FAMILY
GHOST.
I am a family ghost. I live in
the graveyard. Fact is, I don't
live at all I?m dead. I wouldn't
be a ghost if I wasn't dead. But
I stay in the graveyard. When J
have nothing else to do I roost on
t -
a tombstone. I cannot be seen in
the day-time, but at night I wear
ray Ions: white shroud and am
plainly visible. My name used to
be Sam Simons. I; was alive then.
But my neighbors treated me
cruelly and I died with a broken
heart. Now I'm Sam Simons's
ghost. My business here is to
stand guard over the family grave
yard and to scare people who
wronged me in my life time. I've,
been here well nigh fifty, years,
and have given the neighborhood
no little amount of trouble. But
tny star seems to be sinking. Peo- I
jple don't pass this way, any more,
specially in the night, and no-,
body ever comes here now to get
buried. My, my! What a deserted
looking place this is! Even the
briers have grown so thick that lithe procession moves oh. And the
ban't walk about without danger I
Kf tearing my shroud off. Nowr
such a miserable place as this is
not at all fit to be dead in. Any
self-respecting ghost would pro-
test against ity and I do think it is
ja pity thata fellow's people won't
try to make him comfortable after
he dies. Don't they know that
this old grave of mine is all out of
repair? Why, it leaks just awfully
when it rains. Every time it rains
1 have to go down and "bail out"
my coffin, using my skull-bone for
a dipper. It just makes a fellow's
shin bones rattle together to think
of himself in such a plight as this,
and if matters don t take a turn
soon i m going to pull up my
tombstone and move to more
respectable quarters.
THE SUMMER. HAT.
I r . ri .i. i -
Vr.rea1' Sunsi vv nai nerve-raciung
ana Diooa-ciircuing tmngs we cio
1 11 1 II- . 1 I
have to put up with in this hea-
thenish America! Is there no re
lief from the tortures of fashion?
Is there no limit to the dirnen-
sions. of the spring hat? Last year feej him and listen to his after
it was a buggy wheel trimmed dinner speeches. Amateur writers
with feather beds, and this year it an( budding poets want hiin to
is a hay-stack with roosters on it. r8ad and criticize about two tons
It keeps getting worse. I used to Gf their trash every day. Ten
see old nigger women, tote water- thousand old-field 'school-house
buckets, washing-tubs and clothes- orators want him to write tl.e'r
1 1 1 11 ' . -
baskets on tneir neacis, ana 1 speeches for commencement, day.
thought that was an awful stunt. Babbit hunters all over the South
But Lordy ! That wasn't a circum- want him to add the weight of his
stance. This summer our dear lit- personality to their expeditions
tie perfumed and powdered socie- against poor little Bunny,
ty queens will go waltzing around ln the political field, the insur
with things on their heads that gents wTant Teddy on their side,
would break the neck of any nig- and the Cannonites want him on
ger wench this side of Africa.
- I can't understand it all. God
knows these outlandish, over
grown, neck-breaking head-smashers
don't look pretty. Or if God
don't know it, I do. They are
enough to frighten a flying ma
chine or give an express train the
blind staggers: How would a raaff
look with such a thing balanced
on his dome of - thought? Gosh,
Betsy, don't mention it. It would
kill all the fruit in the neighbor
hood and run the cats crazy. Fur-
thermore, a man that would wear
such a thing on his head ought to
be cremated alive: and then shot
dead.. And a government that
would allow it ought to be thunder-
struck with a mountain of mud.
But the women well, that's dif-
ferent. Paris pops her whip and
hats, like the hole in an old coat-
sleeye, jret bigger and bigger.
They are so big now that they
have to be built like a folding bed
in order to get in at the church
door. And when they do get in,
the preacher has to squat down
and shoot his sermon under the
benches in order to reach the poor
sinful men.
A few years from now the wo-
men will wTear church houses on
their heads, and the.preacher will
hold meeting in a hat.
PLENTY tTOR. HIM TO DO.
There is every indication that
Theodore Roosevelt will not want
for a job when he gets back home.
He is wanted: for nearly every
purpose under the sun. The nation
wants him for .president. He. is
also wanted in congress and in the
senate. He is wanted as railroad
r . .
president, bank president and col-
lege president. He is wanted as
editor of magazines' and newspa
pers every where. He is wanted as
a historian, and he -is desired by
hundreds of cities that want .to-
their side, and Taf t is so rattled
that he hasn't the least idea what
vs v v
In the past it has been a- prob
lem what to do with our -ex-presidents,
but in this case we can rest
easy. A man who can take care
of himself in the wilds of Africa
can certainly do so in America,
ana tnere seems to be enough in
sight to keep the Lion-Hunter
reasonably busy.
Read the Bible and The Fool-Killer.