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A Pungent Periodical of Thrilling
Thought.
PUBLISHED MONTHLY.
James Larkin Pearson, Editor.
One year to your heart, 25 Cents,
Ii Clubs of Five or More, 15 Cts.-
Entered as second class matter
March 30, 1910, at the post office at
Moravian Falls, N. C, under the act
of March 3, 1879. '
TAKE NOTICE!
Do not send Postage Stamps cm
subscription.
Remittances should be made by
Registered Letter or Post Office Mon
ey Order drawn on Moravian Falls,
N.'C.
Be careful to write your own name
and address plainly, and direct all
letters and make all orders payable
to:
JAMES LARXIN PEARSON
Moravian Falls, North Carolina.
Let Us Talk It
Over
Well, dear sinner friends, this is
The Fool-Killer.
How does it set on your stomach?
If you like it, you can get more at
headquarters.
The Fool-Killer is not even a
forty-' leventh cousin to any other
paper on earth.
It stands in a class by itself, and
ibs field is as broad as the English
language.
This paper wears no bell, muzzle,
collar nor halter.
You can put that down to start with.
I am the fellow who works at the-
pump-handle on this pungent period
ical of -thrilling thought.
I print only what I write; I write
only what.-1 think; and I think what
I doggon please.
I own this entire establishment,
and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to
buy one share of it.
Does that sound strange?
Well, bless your soul, I am a great
deal richer than Old John.
. I never travelled any to speak of,
but I have read a great deal, and have
thunk some.
I have also writ a few books which
I know are great, because they don't
sell worth a cent.
Great books never do.
And then I started The Fool
KiLLit, jmb to quieb my nerves and
keep the old press from getting rusty.
From the seclusion of these wooded
hills there will go 'forth each month a
hot old bundle of literary dynamite
that will shake the rotten foundations
of society and cause the Church . of
Mammon to at least turn over in its
sleep.
The Fool-Killer will be a month
ly mustard-plaster for the blood-boils
of Society, Church and State.
It will be salted with wit, peppered
with humor and seasoned with sar
casm. 1
Every line will cut like .a whip, and
every word will raise a blister.
If you are a fool you had better not
subscribe for THE FOOL-KILLER.
If you are wise you will. And so that
settles it.
Putting the Question.
It was on the broad Atlantic,
And the storm was at its height;
All the passengers were frantic
Nearly paralyzed with fright.
But the Captain loved the ocean,
And he said, in passing by,
"All in favor of this motion
Make it known by saying 'IV
IDIOTORIALS.
How do you feel since the com
et hit you?
I don't believe the world is half
as good as I think it is.
Nearly every man you meet i;
for sale if you have the price.
A gentleman is a man you don't
know very well.
The tale of the comet will be
continued in 1985.
Very few things in this world
are what they pretend to be. All
is sham and veneer.
In the liquor statistics of this
country the figures are actually
staggering..
At this writing Mr. Roosevelt
has not asked Old jo Cannon to
meet him in Europe.
Some church members put on a
lot of fine clothes .to hide the re
ligion that they haven't got.
I have seen some bedsteads that
were all brass, and I have seen
some peoplejust like 'em.
Dun and Bradstreet are the
greatest "fortune tellers" in the
country.
Well, we got to see the eclipse
of the moon, anyhow. That was
some help.
Clothes do not make the man,
but there is no use to create a
sensation by goj.ng around with
out them.
- Some. people work harder trying
to avoid work than they would have
to work to make a good living.
Our modern missionaries be
lieve in a variety show. They han
dle three articles soap, soup and
salvation.
The first' picture I saw of the
new Queen of England showed
her with a little old wooly dog in
her lap. I felt sorry for the dog,'
as well as the queen's children
who were in the back yard fight
ing with a little nigger.
When you write a letter and
mark it "Please burn this," the
proper place to post it is in the
stove.
One reason why there are so
many divorces is because women
love poodle-dogs better than they
love babies.
A citizen of this county died
last week, leaving all he had to
his wife's folks. All he had was
his wife. x
I know a rich and rheumatic
rascal who would like to swap his
automobile for my legs. But I
won't swap.
If the Fourth of July wants to
witness a sure-enough celebration
it should be on hand about the
time Roosevelt gets home.
About the only thing that we
poor devils get out of life is the
fun of seeing the rich devils worry
over their wealth.
, The "comet hat" is the latest
thing in feminine headgear. It
has a tail that reaches clean back
into last summer.
Old Satan has' bought him a
new silk hat and paid his. pew
rent. He will be at church every
Sunday this summer.
Old Deacon Skinflint is a pretty
good fellow. When the collection
plate comes around he never takes
out more than a quarter.
I asked a fellow if he was in
favor of Woman Suffrage, and he
replied: "Yes,1 by gum! Let the
women suffer same as the men!l'
When I hear people bragging
abou t thei r d i sti ngu i shed ancestry,
I can't help wondering what made
the stock run out so quick.
Some of my neighbors got on
the water-wagon New Year's day,
and they haven't touched a glasg
of likker since. They drink it out
of a jug now , - .
The fact that so many deaths
occur in the early morning may
IJje explained on the theory that
some people would rather die than
get up.
On being shown The Fool-Killer
the other day, one fellow said:
"Well, boys, if I had know the
J fool-killer was no bigger than that
I wouldn't have been so much
afraid of him all my life." Hold
on, mister! You can't always
judge a thing by its sjze. A fod
der stack is bigger than aflea, but
il can't bite half as hard.
The Fool-Killer can chew up a
fool and spit him out before he
has time to thinfe-a cuss word.
Governor Hadley proposes to
pass farms around on a plate and
let every fellow take one. Hi,
there! Start your plate this way,
Governor.
Out in Illinois they are search
ing for a man named M. Link.
Let's see, what could that "M."
stand for? why, "Missing Link,"
of course.
Old Sain Gompers is trying to
i.ii ii
carry water on ootn snouiaers.
Look out, Sam, or you'll stump
your memory against a root and
spill your reputation.
I wouldn't give three cents a
gallon for royal blood to play
leapfrog through my plebeian
veins. Look at old man King
Edward when he shuffled off he
was as dead as a lobster. .
You may have a string of blue-
blooded ancestors as long as the
comet's tail, but if you have never
accomplished anything yourself
well, I wouldn't blow much if I
were you. ;
The Czar of Russia and the new
King of England are cousins, and
they are so much alike that if they.
should get mixed up they would
have to go home and get their
wives to sort 'era.
About 200 people have dug up
the required amount and had their
names placed on The Fool-Killer
subscription list since last issue.
Going some? Yes, sir! You better
climb on and go with us.
An e'xehange wants ah answer
to the following question: "If a
man has an income of two million
dollars a year, what is his prin
cipal?" Bless your simple heart,
Buddy, a man with such an income
as that usually has no principle.
The one-gallus hill-billy who
sells his vote for a pound of hog
corpse is ust as good a citizen as
the great corporation lawyer who
smothers his conscience and sells
his brain to a set of thieves fori a
fat salary. And that's no lie.
Mr. Everett Pearson, of States
ville, N. C, is the champion club
raiser for The Fool-Killer. Mr.
Pearson worked about an hour
one dayand secured 55 subscrib
ers. He did not meet With a single
ref usal every man he showed the
paper to subscribed at once. That's
business. Now I want .1,000 club
raisers like Everett Pearson.
Speak up, boys! Let me" hear
from every one of you.