VOL I
MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, AUGUST, 1910.
NO. 7.
I WONDER WHY.
ON BEING A BACHELOR.
. 4
inn
I wonder why such homely girls
Are often blessed with lovely curls.
I wonder why all second wives
In luxury live all their lives.
I wonder why a kiss unsought
Tastes not so fetching as it ought.
I wonder why we never know
As much as we did years ago.
I wonder why the fattest man
Goes with the slimmest girl he can.
I wonder why our closest friend
Hai3 never any cash to lend.
I wonder why a pdor man's heirs
So often come along in pairs.
I wonder why a rich man's wife
Can't have a kid 'to save1 her life.
PETER POORDEVIL'S
PRAYER.
Peter Poordevil led in prayer
again last Sunday, lie got down
on his knees and lifted up his
voice and prayed as follows:
"O Lord, here I come again. I
guess you remember me. J'm the
fellow who prayed here a month
a&dL today. That prayer made
.some of these' old gripe-gutted
hypocrites as mad , as the very
old Scratch. A committee of
them waited on me after meeting
and told me to cut it out. They
said you was awful busy having
their mansions built and decor
ated, and that you didn't have
time to listen to the prayers of
such poor trash as me.
Lord, I don't believe a word of
it. I have read your Book a good
deal and I have never seen any
thing like that in it yet. They
can't make me believe that you
are a God of the rich and that
you don't care a snap for such
poor fellows as me. Lord, I sort
er have an idea that you like us
poor trash . pretty well. If you :
don 't, , wThy in all creation did
you make so many of us? In
fact, it strikes me that you was
looked upon as poor trash your
self when you was here among
men. Ain't that about the size
of it? The Jews and Romans
thought you was just a 'crazy
fool, and they hatched up a plan
to get you out of the way. And
I'll bet two-thirds of the members
of this church would help to cru
cify you again if they had a
chance. They use your name as
a cloak to cover up their devil
ment, but they say your system
of religion and morals wTas too
strict for this present age. They
like to have dances, card parties
and church socials and call it re
ligion. They judge a feller's re
ligion by his clothes and the
amount of money he can spend
to keep up swell appearances.
Now, Lord, I want to ask if
that's the kind of a church you
A
Friends, this is no joke. There are times when "I try tQ
be funny, but I am not sawing pn that string just now. I am
in dead earnest, and I want eveiy one of my readers to con
sider this a personal letter to thbm. I am writing to you who
are already subscribers to. The Ifool-Killer, and I have some
thing of importance to say. Listen! I have a secret to tell
you. I am not letting the outside world know this, but only
those who are already on' my subscription list.
Now to the point: I need some help, and I need it bad.
I have been begging you every month to get up clubs for The
Fool-Killer and send them in, but you have not paid any at
tention to my appeals. I now Have 650 of you on my list, and
at least half of you ought to be sending in clubs every few
days. But the terrible truth is that none of you are doing a
thing to help me. During the past two or three months the
subscription receipts through the mail have been practically
nothing. Now, friends, if you enjoy reading The Fool-Killer,
and if you think it is worth what you paid for it, then for the
Lord's sake try to help me a little by sending in a few sub
scriptions now and then. I am a poor man, with a sick wife
to support and care for, and I simply cannot keep the paper
going if you don't help me. I don't want to let the paper die,
and am not going to if I can possibly help it, but the way looks
dark unless you people will come to my rescue.
If each of you 650 subscribers will do just a few minutes'
work in the interest of the paper, the result will be wonderful.
You can send in four or five hundred dollars in the next month
and never miss the time. But it will mean a great deal to me.
It will enable me to keep the paper going and make it better.
Please, please, friends! I want to hear from EVERY ONE
of you 650 subscribers at once! Send along a club of five or
more if you can. If you can't send five, send one or two. If
you can't send any, then write me a letter anyhow and give me
a word of encouragement.
Let me call your careful attention to the article on fourth
p-iS'e entitled, "Editorial Heart-Throbs." I wrote that article
with my very heart's blood, and I hope it will be the means,
at least, of making us better acquainted with each other.
Now, friends, I thank you in advance for the help that I
believe you are going to give me. Let me hear from every
one of you. PLEASE, NOW!
cm:
MATES
Iiv Clubs Of Five Or More, 15 Cents a Year.
The price of single subscriptions to The Fool-Killer is
25 cents a year, but if you will send in five or more at one
time the price will be only 15 cents a year. Address:
THE FOOL KILLER., MORAVIAN FALLS, N. C.
established here on earth? I
don't think it is; and I don't be
lieve you are going to claim kin
with such a church when the
get-up bugle sounds.
Lord, I'm just a poor, ignor
ant cus i and maybe I don't know,
but it looks to me like the church
of today has got a long ways off
from your teachings. If a man
today should try to live as you
lived and preach as you preached,
I'll bet my old hat he'd land in
prison or in the insane asylum
before hell could scorch a feath
er. O Lord, how much longer are
you going to let this condition of
affairs continue? I always
thought your mission was to lift
up the fallen and comfort the
sad-hearted, but most of your
pretended followers do just the
opposite they kick a feller when
he's down and help them that
don't need helping. They rob
the poor and needy ami give to
them that already have more than
thev know what to do with. O
Lord, such religion as that brings
reproach upon your great and
holv name, and if I was in vour
place I just wouldn't put up with
it. I'd make my followers toe
the mark a little better or I'd
give' 'em their time and tell 'em
to highball.
Just one more request, O Lord,
and then I'll hang up the receiver
and ring off. If it takes riches
and fine clothes and worldly
honors to get a feller into Heaven.-
I want you to please send me
some good scheme by which I can
rake in a few millions. And if
these things are not necessary,
then what on earth are "the breth
ren such fools over 'em for?
Please answer at once. Amen.
Well, bovs, I am a bachelor
once more. My Detter nait is
spending a few months for her
health up in the Asheville coun
try, the famus "Land of the
Sky," in Western North Caroli
na. And I am holding down the
lid in her absence. I have to stay
here and keep the old home place
company and get out The Fool
Killer all by myself.
If vou fellows could all be here
and watch me cook and keep
house you would kill yourselves
a-laughing. I am not exactly
what you would call an expert
cook, but after working at it a
week or two I am now able to
boil water without burning it.
If you never tried making up
wheat dough and baking biscuits
you just ought to come and let
me show you how it's done. I
don't have any trouble getting
the dough made up, but getting
it loose from my hands and into
the stove-pan is what bothers me.
A few mornings ago I made up
a nice bunch of dough enough
to do me all day, I thought but
after playing with it awhile I
happened to notice that it was
nearly all gone. I began to look
for it, and found some of it be
tween my fingers, but most of it
had crawled up under my shirt
sleeves like it wanted to hide. , 3
took a piece of stove-wood and
scraped it off and finally got it
subdued, but the kitchen floor
looked like it had been- raining
flour and dough for a week.
I am pretty good at frying
eggs, too. That is, I. can break
'em all right, but sometimes 1
miss the frying pan and pour 'em
in my shoes. I always scramble
niy eggs. In fact, I do nearly all
my cooking by the scrambled
system. I am such a successful
scrambler that a green hand
couldn't tell whether I had cook
ed eggs, potatoes, cabbage or
pumpkin. All things look alike
when I cook 'em, and they all
taste pretty much alike.
I don't wash dishes until
everything on the place gets dir
ty, and I put off sweeping the
house as long as 1 can wade
through the litter. I like dish
washing and sweeping so well
that I want a good long job of it
when I begin. When I am not
busy cooking and eating I pass
off the time by writing stuff like
this for The Fool-Killer.
There are several sides to the
question of being a bachelor,
even for a little while. But, al
together, I suppose it is good for
a man if he can stand it. It
learns him how to appreciate a
ood wife.
f(
Moravian Falls is the largest
town of its size in North Carolina,
but they didn't see it when they
made the map.