The Fool-Killer
A Pungent Periodical of Thrilling
Thought.
PUBLISHED MONTHLY.
J. L. PEARSON -
EDITOR.
One year to your heart, 25 Cents,
In Clubs of Five or More, 15 Cts.
Entered as second class matter
March 30, 1910, at the post office at
Moravian Falls, N. C, under the act
of March 3, 1879.
TAKE NOTICE!
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ey Order drawn on Moravian Falls,
N. O.
Be careful to write your own name
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to:
THE FOOL-KILLER.
Moravian Falls, North Carolina.
et Us Talk li
Over
Well, dear sinner friends, this is
The Fool-Killer.
How does it set on your stomach?
If you like it you can get more at
headquarters.
The Fool-Killer is not even a
forty-'leventh cousin to any other
paper on earth.
It stands in a class by itself, and
its field is as broad as the English
language.
This paper wears no bell, muzzle,
collar nor halter.
You can put that down to start with.
I am the fellow Who works at the
pump-handle on this pungent period
ical of thrilling thought.
I print only what I write; I write
only what I think; and I think what
I doggon please.
I own this entire establishment,
and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to
buy one share of it.
Does that sound strange?
Well, bless your soul, I am a great
deal richer than Old John.
I never travelled any to speak of,
but I have read a great deal, and have
thunk some.
I have also writ a few books which
I know are great, because they don't
sell worth a cent. -
Great books never do.
And then I started The Fool
Killer, just to quiet my nerves and
keep the old press from getting rusty.
From the seclusion of these wooded
hills there will go forth each month a
hot old bundle of literary dynamite
that will shake the rotten foundations
of society and cause the Church of
Mammon to at least turn over m its
sleep.
The Fool-Killer will be a month
ly mustard-plaster for the blood-boils
of Society, Church and State.
. It will be salted with wit, peppered
with humor and seasoned with sar
casm. Every line will cut like a whip, and
every word will raise a blister.
If you are a fool you had better not
subscribe for THE FOOL-KILLER.
If you are wise you will. And so that
settles it.
EDITORIAL.
Good-by, old Patterson.
-o m . .
See club raes on first page.
Give Old Man Peepul a chance.
Love is dead when the lips can
tell it all.
Truth is too often cut up to
patch -a lie.
A gentleman may be merely a
lazy man who has money.
More opinions are born in the
stomach than in the head.
Riches have wings, but poverty
hobbles around ori crutches.
Too much riches breeds idleness,-and
idleness breeds decay.
Optimism is sometimes due to
a shortage of experience.
No man has ever, failed in busi
ness from lack of advice.
Use the knowledge you have,
then go after more.
A whole lot of meanness can
hide in a mighty small soul.
The life of an editor is rugged
and full of knot-holes.
Many a man enjoys his pipe
because his wife hates it.
"Where there is a will there is
always an heir.
Senator Gore seems to be a
regular gore-getter. ;
The less power a man has the
more he likes to use it.
Things always seem fairer when
we look back at them.
It 's mighty hard to be patient
with the man who brags about
his patience.
Genius can still find plenty of
room at the top but it is usual
ly in the attic.
Men are seldom so hopelessly
deaf that they can't hear money
talk. ,
The frenzied financier uses the
little suckers as bait to catch the
big ones.
If you are. the first to discover
your own mistakes you may hide
them.
God gave the earth to the peo
pie, and the people have given it
to the plutocrats.
Wisdom is the art of not letting
other people find out how little
you know.
Do some missionary work get
your friends to subscribe for The
Fool-Killer.
By the time Theodore gets
ready to talk he will have a whole
lot to say.
- The slowest way to become a
millionaire is to work for the
money.
A long courtship is sometfmes
followed by a short session of
matrimony.
Half the world does not care
whether the other half lives or
not.
The concentration of wealth
has caused the downfall of every
nation that ever permitted it.
Occasionally a man gets so dis
couraged that he feels like writ
ing poetry.
The fellows who believe that
whiskey is good for a cold are al
ways trying to catch a cold,
A machine has been invented
for laying brick, but eggs are still
laid in the same old way.
People who go about stealing
other people 's time and fooling
away their, own, ought to be put
in jail. .
The world owes every man a
living, but most of us have to
work like thunder to collect the
debt. .
While the churches are quar
reling and pulling hair over the
creeds, the devil is feathering his
nest.
Bill Bryan ';ot a knock-out
blow in his own state, but he is
still busy - bumping his belly
'gainst the banquet boards.
, There is nothing , so cheap as
advice. I can give you a whole
raft of it for 25 cents. Now is
the time to subscribe.
It keeps the society doctors
busy these days hunting up new
diseases that the common people
do not have.
Mm
I know some people who ought
to hold their tongues awhile in
order to give their thoughts a
chance to catch up.
The average jury can always
be depended on to convict the
petty thief and clear the man
who commits cold-blooded mur
der. Things are seldom what they
seem ; skimmed milk masquerades
as. cream," sang Gilbert and Sul
livan long ago. It's the same
way yet, only ten times worse.
Old man Taft has seen his best
days. He could no more be elect
ed president again than he could
belt his waist with a lady's
garter. ;
The Fool-Killer's circulation
in Great Britain is now 1,000,000
copies per month, and the figures
in Australia have grown to be
something startling. I started
out to make a paper for the whole
wrorld and am doing it. Have
just sent out an agent to push
the circulation in Egypt and shall
look for the best results.
The report sent out by the As
sociated Press last week stating
that The Fool-Killer was dead,
is a mistake. It is alive every
day in the week.
Success consists in hitting the
goal of ambition so hard that it
takes you the rest of your life to
pick up the fragments of yourself.
A polecat broke up a Christian
Science meeting, and the leader
was unable to convince his fol
lowers that they only "imagined"
they smelt something.
"This country, with its insti
tutions, belongs to the people who
inhabit it," said old Abe Lincoln.
If Abe was here now he'd sing
a different song.
If Christ should come to Amer
ica and find children under ten
working in mills and sweat
shops, He would wonder why our
missionaries go abroad.
If you have an enemy send him
The Fool-Killer for a year. It
will make him love you. Next
time you meet him he will fall
on your neck and shed tears of
joy as big as horse-applet.
Two hundred thousand copies
will be sold by the author who is
able to weave the experiences of
two hundred thousand people in
to one hundred and fifty pages
and sell it for a dollar.
Randall Parish writ a novel
called "My Lady of the North
and then the- fooL turned rignt ,
around and writ one called "My
Lady of the South." Seems
about time for the Northern lady
to get jealous.
The proprietor of a Northern
hotel has applied for a patent on
a rubber bean which he has in
vented. These beans will float
around on the top of . the soup as
natural as life and can be used
any number of times.
o-
Some people say I am a Iiut
morist. but I prefer to put it an
other way. I am a journalist,
gone into the paper jobbing busi
ness. I buy news stock for three
cents a pound, squat my burning
thoughts onto it and sell it for
25 cents a pound. Simple? Very!
It's all in knowing how.
I have always contended that,
while every man who drinks
whiskey would not deliberately
and' with, malice aforethought
go to hell for a glass of grog,
there are many who, if all the
liquor were stored in that dread
climate, would fool around the
edges trying to get some of it un
til they fell in.
The Fool-Killer Ts the safety
yalve of my mental machinery. It
is an old-fashioned ash-can peri
odical into which I shall dump
my ideas. I shall say what I'
think, provided I think'l can lick
the person I talk about, or other
wise if my remarks are compli
mentary and will earn me an in
vitation to eat.
o