WHM DOCTORS DISAMEE.
I taken sick one time 1 did,
An ealisd in Doctor Smart i
He listened through his hearin'-tube
An' laid it to my heart..
"I will not keep you in the dark
The honest truth is best;
You may live several weeks if you'll
3mt lie around an rest. .
But, in the meantime, let me say,
You must take this three times a
day."
I called another doctor then,
An this was Doctor Wise;
"Your liver's out of fix," he said,
You need more exercise.
Get out and rough it on the farm,
An' dig an' lift an' sweat.
An' change your diet eat the things
.vu ufteulttuBr8ei.
You'll soon be dead if you don't obey,
.An' take six doses of this a day."
31 straightway called another man,
An this was Doctor Quack;
He punched me in my tummy-turn
An' beat me on the back.
Your kidneys are a wreck," he said, I
XKIXXk U1UUU 19 U11KUIY LlliJU .
Tour lungs are weak, an
I'm afraid
Consumption has set in.
Go South or West somewhere
an'
stay,
.An take twelve doses of this a day
Perhaps they knew. I would not dare
Dispute a blessed word;
But I went on an' paid no heed
To alfc that I had heard.
I did not take the dope they gave,
Said "Bosh!" to their advice,
. An' my own treatment of the case
Has worked out awful nice.
I'm well an' hearty now, you know.
The Doctors? They're dead long ago.
A REBEL PREACHER
SKINNED
'
I have been hearing sermons
rail my life. Have heard good
ones, oaa ones, ana an uiuw-
kinds. But 111 be civilly dog-l
tTnnprl if T didn't add a new one
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to my list last Sunday. for being a soldiereven a rebel
I was in a neighboring town, soldierif a man can get himself
and as the devotional hour ar- immortalized in the histories and
rived I strolled into the biggest preached about from the pulpits
church I could find; expecting to as Lee ani Jackson and their
spend a rather dull hour listen- kjn(j &Ye onQt But the poor
ing to the baritone bellowings private who marched and fought
of a red-headed Bible-beater. and bit the dust, and was buried
The preacher got up and like a hog in a ditch, and whose
stretched himself and gave a tug name win never be known
at his Adam's apple, and sailed wnere does he get even?
in. First off, lie kicked the old Whether, in war or in peace
Bible under a bench and read the! tne Dig rascai is after the gold
10th chapter of the History of the and tne glory, and he knows how
Civil War. Then he took for his to use the common cuss as a cat's-
text the 24th verse of said chap- paw to rake in the rewards,
ter, which reads as follows: Tens of thousands must suffer
1 'Verily I say unto you that: an(j ie an e forgotten in order
Jesus Christ was a pretty smart tnat a fav0red few may wear the
fellow in his day, but lie couldn t chaplet of fame and be worship
toneh Bob Lee and Stonewall, pe(j jn song an st0ry.
Jackson with a forty foot pole. Tnis 0$ WOrld has gone raving
Then the great preacner spat
on ms nanus auu ucou w
the plan of salvation as laid out
by Bob Lee and Stonewall Jauk
son. They were the saviours of
mankind and the only hope of a
dying world, All that talk ahont
Jesus was tonfimyrot the m
portant Uiing wms to have faith
in Lee and Jackson. If a man
had toted a musket in the Reb
army and had followed blindly
ire Bop tee ieaf xaa was
enough. His title to Heaven was (
as Safe as a coon up an old hick-
ory and the axe lost. All that
remained to be done was to at- My stars alive, people ! I would
tend the next Confederate Veter- hate like blazes to be a million
ans' Reunion at Wilkesboro and aire and belong to the smart set
get a aeea lo.me imesi mansion
in Heaven, with bath and toilet
on every floor and Confederate
headquarters in the cellar.
The preacher went on to tell
in glowing language of how Bob
e
for the sins of the world. It was
all very bong-swong, and wourd
have been pathetic if it hadn't
been so funny. I
The very idea of a preacher of
tli a irnanA ' crAtt.ino- n in th tl-
pjt an shooting off such a volley
of rebel rant! It was enough to
make anv decent conereeation
vomit Riir.li a lin of rah mifyhtl011 Thomas, and so forth. Mrs.
have done very well for a politi-1
onl srAfh down at th cross-J
roads hnt it was Mitiralv ont of
nlaftft in thft honsA of ftod. And
ftvftn tkSfi of thft ftonffres-ation
wk0 were m svmDathv with the I
Ic. - niv.i4 - .n-F -nsiHnl l mnct koira ffllt I
UIKIAAUAAAV Aj V AAA W V W mr V
preacherr
T havft no ivord to sav ae-ainst
the Southern soldiers in the Civil
War Of Ponrsft manv of them 1
were good men, and in following
t,o .ToftVemi iimiioQc
Lee an(j Jackson they doubtless
thought' they were doing right.
Thft nnftstion of whftther op not
it really was right does not enter
into this discussion. The point is
that Lee and Jackson got the
glory while the fool privates got
thfi hnllfits. Thfiv ivfirft hist like
Itilft noor fi0mmon misses of todav
wj10 anow the captains of indus-
try to lead them around by the
aose. As industrial conditions
are today, the money lords get
tlm .rolrl nnd th lorv whilA the
Tfor rftVii ftts a umt uaor nnd
blistered hands, and poverty,
sickness, death and an unmarked
fnr himlf and fflmilv
.MovKa fhoro ia o?
j becussed on the subject of sol
dier-worship, anyhow. Of all the
professions in the world, I have
the least rgspefit for fighting. A
blamed old hull can fight. Give
me the man who can think, and
feel, and win victories of peace.
Shame on the preacher who will
try to exalt the fighting Napo
leon above the peaceful Christ !
See club rates on first page.
ANOTHER MILLIONAIRE
MESS.
nnA .. . n .u n
and have,to a11 their alloP"
g gaits from year to year,
There is a class of rotten rich
people in this country whose only
pUrp0se in life seems to be to get
ma5ried
and, .mflrrv aSam- Just tnat and
no dung more. And the ottener
they can get married and divorc-
. c &ttiiu. m u-
. A , . .. A ., ,
ine latest landslide of gilded
SossiP among the high-flyers is
sulucimubr ,uuuc xi-xu. vjruum
and his ex-wife, Helen Kelly
Frank, Jt seems, got tired of Mr.
1 a wi"Uttuy.- ui vuuise
Frank is a fool, but Helen decid-
e he was not just the kind of a
fo1 s wanted to share her
sheets with. So she trotted off
tv VU.C U.1 V UIUC ill 111 UaIU. UUb UU
l2111 more feeling or sentiment
in it than there is in swapping
horses. These things come in as
& matter of course. They are
1 J il. I'D J
aown on 1 e nie-programs oi
such people and if they didn t
come in on schedule time it would
e a Calamity.
The separation seems to have
been agreeable all around, and
so they got a divorce and got
drunk to celebrate the happy
event, in tne mvorce it was
H011 stated that the three
Gould children should be the
property oi ine parent wno snouiu
i uw i, i s
uiw-uuuu. muu-uuxc. xx
Helen remained unmarried the
1 children were to be hers. If she
hitched up again and Frank
I umu L tucu vclc w P1. vu
this side ot the tence.
But Helen has found her sec-
ond fool and Frank has found
his, and they are both hitched up
again. Now where do the Gould
brats belong? Can you figure it
out? Seems to me they don t
lack much of being orphans.
If a complete history of the
Gould generation was written it
would certainly be a corker. It
would be just a tabulated list of
marriages and divorces; of din
ners, drunks and debauches; of
silk and sin and shame. Just a
few years ago the world's gossip
ing tongue was set wagging on
account of the connubial capers
of Anna Gould and her no-account
Count Boni Casteliane, who
had a shop-worn and frazzle-tail;
ed title to swap for a bag of gold.
Still more recently we had to
wade up to our arm-pits in the
river of gossip about the delight
ful divorce proceedings of How
ard Gould and his dearly-beloved
Katherine. And now Frank and
Helen have Dlaved their little
piece before the footlights. Mar-
jorie, the famous beauty of the
family, was married not long
ago to several more millions and
got a fellow named Drexel thrown
in for good measure. The time
is about up for Marjorie to put
in her application for a divorce.
The family reputation must be
kept up at all costs.
And it isn t the Gould family
alone. All that miserable multi
millionaire set are afflicted with
the same awful disease. Before
I would belong to such a set, I'd
get me a brass bill and eat worms
with the chickens.
BACON AND BOOZE.
Of all the far-fetched and in
fernal arguments' that were ever
hatched up by the bug-house
brain of a blubbering booze
artist, here is one that caps the
stack. The editor of a local pa
per, in adding his mite to the dis
cussion of the high cost of living,
drags in the startling statement
that the prohibition law in North
Carolina is responsible for the
high cost of meat. Shades of
Dad's old sow! What a clincher!
Now we have it straight from the
fountain-head of wisdom, and the
question is settled. It must be
a thrilling sensation to be smart
like that.
Several years ago, when gov
ernment distilleries were as thick
throughout North Carolina as
fleas on a yaller dog, it was the
custom to fatten hogs on " still
slop.' 1 The stiller built a hog
lot adjoining his booze-factory
and all the neighbors brought
their hogs there to be fattened on
the "slop" which ran into the
lot through great nasty troughs.
The farmers sold their corn to the
stiller and took their pay in lik
ker for themselves and slop ' '
for their hogs. And they thought
they were getting a great bar
gain.
But now the; stills have been
driven out, and the rivers of
still-slop have ceased to flow,
and that is the reason the people
cant raise hogs any more be
cause there is no still-slop to fat
ten 'em on.
Great argument ! Profound
reasoning 1 ui course no one ever
thought of feeding corn to hogs.
But why couldn t it be done?
Why wouldn't a bushel of corn
do a pig more good than just the
slop that a bushel of corn would
make? Do the four-legged hogs
fare better on the dregs of the
corn after the "drunk" has been
extracted for the use of the hu
man hogs? That seems to be the
way our wise editor looks at it.
But he is so infernal cross-eyed
that if he should cry the tears
would run down the back of his
neck.
The prohibition law responsi
ble for the high price of meat!
Why, you might as well argue
that the mud between a little nig
ger's toes-is responsible for the
changes of the moafi.
Result of One Smile.
One smile makes a flirta
tion. One flirtation makes two
acquainted. Two acquainted
make one kiss. One kiss makes
several more. Several kisses
make an engagement. One en
gagement makes two fools. Two
fools, make one marriage. One
marriage makes two mothers-in-law.
Two mothers-in-law make
a red hot time.