The Fool-KHler
A Pungent Periodical of Thrilling
Tnought.
PUBLISHED MONTHLY.
J. L. PEARSON - - - EDITOR.
One year to your heart, 25 Cents,
Ii Clubs of Five or More, 15 Cts.
Entered as second class matter
March 30, 1910, at the post office at
Moravian Falls, N. C, under the act
or March 3, 1879.
TAKE NOTICE!
Do not send Postage Stamps on
subscription.
Remittances should be made by
registered Letter or Post Office Mon
ey Order drawn on Moravian Falls,
N. c. :' ; . ; ' ,
Be careful to write your own name
and-address plainly, and direct all
letters and make all orders payable
to :
ID10T0RIALS.
Home is where the cat is.
Iost women love dry a-oods nrt
most men love wet goods.
A man is broke when hia ninthe
shine and his shoes don't
The 'Lord love tht cheerful river
and so does the Bureau of Charities.
Those who build air-castles n ppri
a flying-machine to get to them.
"Just because" may be a good
cause, but it's a mighty , poor reason.
The Big Noise is making the drv
bones rattle out West. "
They say poets are born. So are
flies, fleas, cockroaches and bedbugs.
Why did the salt-shaker? Because
it saw the spoon-holder.
THE FOOL-KILLER.
Moravian Falls, N. C.
If there were only three womfin in
the world, two of them would get
together and talk about the other one.
Procrastination is the thief of
time. So don't put off subscribing
for The Fool-Killer.
A woman" is like a gold mine
XT YT r 'J uw nei real worm. .But
'Let Us Talk It Z:r d:v" has fione broke
Ov
er
ine ncn man has his ice in the
summer time but the poor man gets
Well, dear sinner friends, this is 1 m 016 Wmt6r' and 80 what is the
eie Fool-Killer. difference?
The Fool-Killer.
How does it set on your stomach?
When. The Fool- Killer gets after
. . - xvuici &ets uLier
If you like it, you can get more at a fo1 makes him think there are a
iadquarters. thoiisanrt viWr ow u
r jxxut. javacis iu LUtJ UOSOII1
headquarters.
w.
The Fool-Killer is not even a of Ms Pants.
T"Tt. 17--' la . j
viuj vouiu uuusui to any otner
It stands in
Have vnn reaH nhmit tKa
a class by itself, and dm'onerinS to dub raisers? They
Its neld is as broad n flio T.i;av. are erreateat ha
language. . Get busy and win some of them.
This paper wears no bell, muzzle, wu. . . - ' '
collar nor halter. Wltn lovers 'in the parlor
You can put that down to start with. J8 program is the ruIe:
T flm iv,. . , r Thft maiden plays the piano,
l am the fellow who works at the a u
pump-handle on this pungent period- the young man plays the f oo1-
ical of thrilling thought. v, 7, '
T rf i v . You take a glrl about fifteen ars
oailii rshe cf and cries for lons
I doggon please. dresses. And when she gets them
I own this entire establishment "geB around holdinS them up.
and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to rls are awful funny things. '
buy one share of it. TJ!
TArt , , Ai " "io.ii uwes yuu 11 SUCKS in VOUr
Doe that sound strange? mind like a tramp preacher tQ &
de riihtTh SoWJo'hn am a TT1"3 PaW! bUt lf'WOM
. . n' t slips out of your memory like a
KSeSd youns eel with a sh-hawk atter !t-
thunk some. when you hear a few bi.aggjng
I have also wrif. a fa-nr Kknl ...T i flhmit lirkwr K-or V. : j i.
Lu'wortnclnt beaU9e dn,t' WUld CUt and sh00t "e usually
nw. , - means that he would cut home and
v-uancvt!ruo. shoot under the bed.
And then I started The Foot-
WS' t0 quiet my neves and If there was a law to make women
yiK,aa numgettmg rusty, wear those horrible, hobble-footed,
From the seclusion of these wooded draw-string devil-catchers, they
wouldn't submit to it to save all of us
that will shake the rotten JhSSSK from the hot place. You know it's
THE BIOGRAPHY OF ANANIAS.
Ananias was the first man. He
lived in a garden, but one- day he
fell out of an apple tree and killed
his brother, and then he ran awav
to a distant country and built the
lower of Babel. One day Samuel
Gompers came along and organized
the Free Masons and ordered the
hands to go on a strike. After
that Ananias employed non-union
labor and built the Ark, and it' rain
ed fire and brimstone for forty days
and Sodom and Gomorrah were
turned into a pillar of salt.
After many years of wandering in
the wilderness, Ananias took his son
Isaac . up into a high mountain and
hid him in the bullrushes that grew
on the banks of the ocean. Then
Ananias put on a coat of many colors
and went down into Egjpt. and ran
for Governor on the; Republocrat
tickets and was elected by a "large
majority. Then he organized a trust
and bought up all the corn in Eevnt
and there was a great famine, but
Ananias and his family lived high.
une nignt while they were feasting
mey saw the handwriting on the wall,
and Ananias was cast into the firey
mrnace, but an angel came and shut
the lion's mouth and Ananias came up
atraigntway out of the whale's belly.
About this time Ananias" fell in
love with Abraham's daughter, and
because the old man wouldn't let
him hang around there he picked up
the house with the girl inri't and car
ried them away to the next town.
There the Philistines tried to steal
the girl away from him and he slew
about steen thousand of them with
the jaw-bone of a mule's father.
Ananias's first marriage was such a
success that he joined the Mormons
and kept on marrying until he had
three hundred wives. Ananias was
known as the wisest man in the
world and he built a great temple,
but he was terribly afflicted with boils
and his wives begged him to curse
uod and die. But instead of doing
tnat,he went and washed his boils
in the pool of Siloam and was soon
able to fiddle while Rome burned
About thistime there was a great
demand for America to be discover
ed, and so Ananias fitted up three
small vessels and crossed the Dela
ware on the ice. Then after cut
ting down a cherry tree and writing
the Declaration of Independence, he
sank the battleship Maine on Bunk
er Hill. Just now he is president of
the Ananias Club and the livest news
item of the day.
HELLO, AMATEUR WRITERS!
Look-ee here, you amateur writers,
I have a request to make. I want
some of you funny fellows to help me
edit The Fool-Killer. I know some
of you. are capable of writing funny
stuff when you try and I want you
to put the band on your funny wheel
and start up.
You have seen The Fool -Killer and
you know something of its style and
what it stands for. Its aim is tn
take up all -kinds of wild-eyed fools
that are seen going about loose and
just literally wipe up the earth with
i aon t propose to - seatter mv
ammunition by commenting on every
thing in general, but only those thine-s
- j
that need skinning alive. I propose
to apply the red-hot branding -iron
of truth to every old fake and fraud,
numbug and hyprocrite that comes
along. And I want to do all this
in. a tone of voice j that will tickle a
cow or make a brass Indian have
duck-fit. , " ' r .
In politics The Fool-Killer is as
independent as V nigger at a corn
shucking. In religion it stands for
the old-fashioned faith in the old
fashioned Bible, and against all this
'higher criticism" tomfoolery.
Now, friends, if you can write
something that" will answer the re
quirementssomething that will be
hot as fire and funny as a box of
monkeys I hereby extend you a
cordial invitation to become
tributer to The Fool-Killer. t win
continue to write some of the stuff,
but am willing to divide space with
others. Come on, you funnv feiw
of the amateur world! Put a bushel
of soap-grease in your mental pot,
boil it down to half a nint flnrf eoH
it along.
. -tvy ciiiVACL UUJ18 t
Dcuj aim cause tne (Jhurch of r ldtL"
wxx uu au itjtiat turn over in its
Idluei ue a poor oiina nig
ihe Fool-Killer will be a month-1 ger and have to sell shoestrings for
ly mustard-plaster for the blood-boils ' a living than to be a pot-gutted
of Society, Church and State. - parody . on God's masterpiece and
It will be salted with wit, peppered nave only charred embers where my
with humor and seasoned with Sar-7conscience ought to be.
casm. i m , m
Every line will cut like a whip, and U ?iVGS me a severe Pain across
every word will raise a blister ' ( the httle end of my misery to see
' H you are a fool you had better not 1 Sme fthe baStfUl edUorS
subscribe for THE FOoLkILLER 1& y -a11 the hair off their tails
If you are wise youwill Ansothai thea busted the crupper holding
settles it. ' back to see wnat Roosevelt was going
to say.
Recently one of the very smart
young men of Moravian Falls bought
a pair of overalls and found in them
the name pf the sewing girl who
made them. He very prompt
ly wrote her a letter with all the
effusiveness necessary in such a
case, and in due time received
a- reply, which, however, was
void of romance usual in such cas-
i
Here is the girl's "reply:- "I am j
Scientists tell us that flies 'carry
germs on their feet. Why don't
they pass a law compelling flies to
wear overshoes and leave . them on
tne porch when they come in?
We American hypocrites send ship
loads of Bibles to the heathen Chin
ese, and .they make them into fire
crackers and send them back for us
to celebrate the birth of Christ with.
Say, you wimmen folks if you
want to go off on a pleasure tWn
have nothing to wear, go to Coney
ia,a,JU- me ladies who m tho:
don't wear Anything but talcum
powder and a smile. ,
Doggon it, how do vou know
you know anything? Tf nnlfl
fuzzy-faced fogy with inverted rain-
oows under his eyes com e
crows on your doorstep till the
goes down how much more win
know when the returns come in ?
Up North, in that misemhlV moBo
they call "society " the Rnha,i
young shemales are not allowed to
rang-tang among the swell set until
a certain age, when they must have
their "coming out spell." The term
"coming out" is supnosed V moo
that they are coming out into socie-
neie is me gin s Tepiy:-"I am; J ,-ulul5 out into socie-
a workins: arirl. it is tme hut t mot0 lty' but those who have seen it a n-
ifl liuino- An lOOkS more like thav o.
a good living and do not care to sun
mt
port a husband, as I would have to do
if I married some silly noodle who
gets mashed "on a girl he never saw.
Permit me to say that I do not know
how my card got in that pair of over
alls, and that when I do marrv if
ever, it will be some fellow who can
afford something better than a 47-cent
pair of breeches."
looks more like they are comin,
of their clothes.
I thought the .Pope of Rome
would be as mad as a wet hen
because I have given him so
many hard skinnings- but the
old rascal didn't do a thing but
get up a club of 50 subs to The
Fool-Killer and sent them in last
week. -