4-
V UL. I.
BACK TO THE FARM.
Back to the farm, is the cry we hear
Bubbling .up from a thousand
throats ;
Back to the old home place so dear
Back to the chickens and calves and
shoats.
Back to the farm, is what they say,
Over and oft with tongue and pen
Back where the smell of the new
mown hay
v Blends with the cluck of the setting
hen.
Back to the farm, is the lawyer's
plea
Dig your bread from the friendly
soil;
Then he goes North and takes his fee,
In a city court, from Standard Oil.
Back to the farm, the doctor cries
Health is hidden among the hills;
And then to the town he quickly flies
And opens a joint for drugs and
pills.
Back to the farm, says Preacher
Brown,
There is joy and length of days;
But he never refuses a call to town
Whenever his salary wants a raise.
Back to the farm, where Nature
rules
And I will admit that the farm is
nice;
But why in the thunder don't these
fools
Come over and take their own ad
vice? DRESSED UP SOME.
Well, folkses, I have just made
The Fool-Killer a present of a
new head. Look at the top of
this page and see how you like it.
I got tired of seeing this little
missionary go out into the wicked
world wearing such a plain,
every-day sort of head. And so
J seated myself with pen in hand
and proceeded to create an ap
propriate head-piece after my
own artistic design. I have tried
to convey to the reader's mind,
through the medium of this beau
tifully illustrated head-piece,
some idea of how The Fool-Killer
aims to shake up the devil and
his angels.
Look at the picture and observe
how the bomb of Truth has ex
m m a m w m w w.
ploded in their midst, and how
they are being blown seventeen
ways for Sunday. It is lifting
their claw-hammer coat-tails and
causing them to turn double som
ersaults in every direction.
I have always had a habit of
making whatever I wanted with
my own hands, and when I Want
ed a designed head for The Fool
Killer I didn't go and employ a
high-priced artist to draw it for
me. No sir! I simply sat down
with my pen and ink and drew it
myself. The lettering and the
pictures are all my own, and
while it shows plainly that it is
a home-made job, perhaps it will
be of more interest to my readers
for that very reason. I didn't
want it to look too 44 store-made."
nohow.
So when you show this naner
to your friends, call their atten
tion to the signature of the artist
in the lower right hand corner
tell them that the fellow who
writes the 4 'juice" for The Fool-
Killer also draws the nietures
when they are needed.
The Fool-Killer is right nroud
of its new fall hat, and. like most
other folks when thev get on
something new, it feels consider-
aDiy -aressea up.
KEEP YOUR GUN LOADED.
Bust your infernal arall-hnsr
yelling 4 4 Peace ! Peace ! " but
keep your gun loaded.
Yes, that's the dinktum!
That's the way this hierh-sten-
ping, hell-bent generation looks
at it.
Send a great ganer of howling
Hobsons to Congress and let them
rip, rant and raise sreneral boll
trying to double the appropria
tions for battleships and other
death-dealing devilment. Pay
these fellows fat salaries for doing
this, and pat them on the back and
say, 4 4 Go it, boys! Give us war!
Feed us on blood and thunder!
Spend our money for guns and
battleships and let us kill and be
killed! Great business! Bully
fun ! Hurrah for war ! ' '
And then spin right around on
your heel and announce the open
ing of an International Peace
Congress at The Hague, or some
place else, and appoint a delega
nuKAVlAN t ALLS, NORTH
. .
CAROLINA, OCTOBER, 1910.
ftipn of long-coated legal lisrhts to
I .1 o
go there and pound the air into
hne dust pleading for peace and
disarmament. The Czar of Russia
was the daddy of the first peace
congress, but when the second
meeting came around old Czar
Nick was engaged in war with
Japan and was too busy to attend
the peace meeting. And such is
life. While your peace congress
is over there whooping it up for
peace, your war congress is over
here tearing its shirt for war
One raises money for a peace
palace and the other digs up the
dough tor a tew more Dread
naughts, and it's nip and tuck to
see which can talk the biggest,
spend the most money and get
the least .done.
And the flying-machine! Bless
your blooming soul, the first
thing after learning to fly a lit
tle they began to speculate about
how useful the thing would be in
war. If the airship can't be used
to commit wholesale murder in
the name of war it must be pro
nounced a failure. That's what
they would have us believe. It's
a great bloody calamity when one
lone daredevil gets his headlight
telescoped in trying to do the turkey-buzzard
stunt across the eter
nal Alps, but if the thing can
be used to swipe out whole armies
or cities in the twinkle of a
sheep's tail that will be the
stuff, Roxie.
In that beautiful and wicked
city of Washington we have a
great Peace Palace standing
right dab in the shadow of a still
greater War Palace, and the flut
ter of the Dove's wings is drown
ed in the rattle of the guns.
Wave an olive branch and yell
"Peace!" till the rafters of
heaven ring, but keep your gun
loaded !
PROVERBS REVISED.
1 The proverbs of Pear
son, the editor of The Fool-Killer.
2 My son, hear the instruc
tions of this paper, and iorsake
not the advice of its. editor.
3 The editor by wisdom hath
founded The Fool-Killer, and by
understanding hath built up its
circulation.
4 The fear of the Lord is the
beginning of wisdom, but the
NO. 9.
reading of The Fool-Killer is
funny.
5 A wise man readeth and
handeth to his neighbor, and a
man of understanding getteth up
a big club.
6 Happy is the man that
sendeth in a club of ten, for he
shall get a fountain pen or a
good pocket-knife.
7 A foolish son is a heaviness
to his father, but my premium
razor is a dandy.
8 Honor me with a club of
seventy-five, and thy pocket shall
be filled with a gold watch and
a new fob shall adorn thee.
9- This watch is more precious
than rubies, and all the watches
thou canst desire are not to be
compared unto it.
10 A club of subscribers is
the principal thing: therefore get
up a ciub and with all thy get
ting, get a premium.
11 Blessed is the man that
sayeth unto his neighbor. "Tjnnfc
here ! This is a good paper.
uvn i you want to subscribe?"
And whv wilt thon Ka
cheated by a strange paper, and
pay thy money to a stranger?
jo fcay not to the club-raiser,
Go, and come again tomorrow
and I will subscribe." when thnn
hast fifteen cents in thy pocket.
14 A funny paper maketh a
glad subscriber, but a foolish
paper is a heaviness to the reader.
15 The fining not is for
and the furnace for gold, but The
Fool-Killer killeth the fools.
16 As vinegar to the teeth.
and as smoke to the eyes, so is
ine ooi-iuiier to the rascals and
hypocrites.
17 The fool wanteth his naner
sent on time, but the wise man
1 1 -
payetn m advance.
18 Commit thv nickels anrf
dimes to my pocket-book, and thy
suoscriptions shall be recorded.
19 As a jewel of eold in n
swine 's snout, so is a copy of The
rooi-iviiier in the pocket of a
hobo.
20 Whosoever subseribeth to
The Fool-Killer showeth wisdom,
and he that getteth subscribers is
wise.
When I get hold of the tail-end
of an idea and begin to pull,
something has got to happen.