Newspapers / The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, … / Nov. 1, 1910, edition 1 / Page 2
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The Fool-Killer A Pungent Periodical of Thrilling Thought. PUBLISHED MONTHLY. J. L. PEARSON . - - EDITOR. One year to your heart, 25 Cents, Ii Clubs of Five or More, 15 Cts. Entered as second class matter March 30, 1910, at the post office at Moravian Falls, N. C, under the act of March 3, 1879. TAKE NOTICE! Do not send Postage Stamps on subscription. Remittances should be made by Registered Letter or Post Office Mon ey Order drawn on Moravian Falls, N. C. Be careful to write your own name and address plainly, and direct all letters and make all orders payable to: THE FOOL-KILLER. Moravian Falls, X. C. Let Talk ver Well, dear sinner friends, this is The Fool-Killer. How does it set on your stomach? If you like it, you can get more at headquarters. The Fool-Killer is not even a forty-' leventh cousin to any other paper on earth. It stands in a class by itself, and its field is as broad as the English language. This paper wears no bell, muzzle, collar nor halter. You can put that down to start with. I am the fellow who works at the pump-handle on this pungent period ical of thrilling thought. I print only what I write ; I write only what I think ; and I think what I doggon please. I own ...this entire establishment, and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to buy one share of it. Does that sound strange? Well, bless your soul, I am a great deal richer than Old John. I never travelled any to speak of, but I have read a great deal, and have thunk some. I have also writ a few books which I know are great, because they don't sell worth a cent. Great books never do. And then I started The Fool Killer, just to quiet my nerves and keep the old press from getting rusty. From the seclusion of these wooded hills there will go forth each month a hot old. bundle of literary dynamite that will shake the rotten foundations of society and cause the Church of Mammon to at least turn over in its sleep. The Fool-Killer will be a month ly mustard-plaster for the blood-boils of Society, Church and State. It will be salted with wit, peppered with humor and seasoned with sar casm. Every line will cut like a whip, and every word will raise a blister. If you are a fool you had better not subscribe for THE FOOL-KILLER. If you are wise you will. And so that settles it. i Irs 0 IDIOTORIAL. Ari'd'A n rtnnliilnAn l -4- ; know us any more. Enough of some things is too i much. Hang-take the man who is afraid to do his own thinking ! Love is life's loan, marriage is the note for it, and babies are the interest. If the Taft smile is still on, I guess the doggon thing must be pretty well anchored. Of course vou did't sell your vote, mister, but how many did you buy? That's the question. How do you like to sop your mental flap-jack in The Fool Killer's editorial molasses! The Bool-Killer beats the devil and goodness knows the old rascal needs beating. J Anv man who will buv a vote or sell one ought to be disfran chised and driven out of the ftountrv. It's just as big a crime to buy a vote as it is to sell one. Chaw on that awhile, you old pot-gutted vote-buver. Did vou ever know a dollar mark and a fashion-plate to get married? Law, ves, thev very often do. You can get a jim-dandy good pocket knife for five minutes' work. See Premium List on an other page. Bring, me a mouth about the size of a cellar door and a gall as big as a three-gallon jug, and I can turn you out a politician in five minutes. It isn't my business to gather ui the' slobber that ' drips from the chins of other editors and serve it out as rnv own editorial gravy. I'm in the habit of think ing some myself. In remitting monev for sub s'cripti on s, please do not send local checks. I have to pay ex change on them at the bank here, and it is a dead loss to me. Send by registered letter, post office or express money order. One of the most remarkable things brought out by the recent election is the fact that the So cialist party has doubled its vote in the last two years. If the old parties don't get to doing a blamed sight better than either of them have ever done yet, you may look out for Socialism to sweep the country like a whirl wind before many more years. Now don't you go off half-cocked and say that Pearson is a Social ist, for I am not, but, honestly, I don't think Debs and his gang could make conditions much worse than they are. WHICKUM-A-WHACKUM. The above heading does not mean anything. I simply put it there to attract your attention, you old fool you. And when I once get your eye glued to this column, maybe I can hold you for awhile. Anyhow, your uncle is going to preach some, and you can put on your specks and listen if you want to. I am going to rattle off a few raw-boned remarks con cerning man-made churches and the fools that fuss and fight over them. Jesus Christ established a Church when He was here on earth, and He didn't call it Cath olic, Baptist, Methodist, nor anr thing of the sort. The only name it was known by was the Church of Christ. That was the true Church. But as soon as its Founder went away its leaders began to get jealous of each other. Each one Avanted to be Boss and Big Ike, and so it came to pass that they began to split up and start new churches. The old Roman Catholic church got so rotten that Martin Luther had to fire off his gospel gun and start the Reformation, and the Protestant church was born. The Protestants took up the true faith which the Catholics had thrown aside, and Rome went on with her empty forms and cer emonies. The Catholics are still toting the bag, but .they have dropped their candy. And then before Protestantism was old enough to wean, it began to split up some more and form new churches with new names and creeds. Today we have so many different denominations that a mere list of their names is enough to bewilder a prophet. Each one calls itself the true Church of Christ and swears with a very great swear that all the other churches are false. There is one thing certain Jesus Christ did not establish a single one of the churches that exist in the world todav. Thev are all man-made, and I dare vou to deny it. One man would get the "leader's itch" and had to have more scratching room, and so he would pull loose from the church and set up a little shebang of his own. And so I repeat that they are man-made churches, every one, of them. All this denominational clap trap is the . veriest moonshine a scheme of the devil to lead men astray. The devil knows that if he can keep the Christians fight ing each other along denomina tional lines, he will get to make soap out of the whole bunch some day. Most of the churches are get ing so proud and stuck up these days that it is doubtful if even Christ Himself could join one of them. To have a finer house, a finer preacher, a bigger pipe or gan and a more fashionablv dressed congregation than the other church that's all they are working for. Some of the very best Chris tians of the present day are not associated with any of the churches, simply because the churches regard them as fanatics and refuse to fellowship them. They are living on a higher spir itual plane than the : sordid, money -worshipping churches can comprehend, and they will be cwanging golden harps in. the New Jerusalem when lots of the denominational preachers are in hell. THE DISHRAG. Now I'll bet you think that's a dickens of a subject to write about. Maybe so, but you must remember that it often depends more on the writer than it does on the subject. A bang-up writer can take the bummest sort of a subject and write a pretty pass able yarn about it, while one of these jack-leg scribblers could take Heaven for a s:ibject and make the angelsweep. Knowing himself to be some pumpkins as a writer, vour uncle thinks. he is able to handle "The Dishrag" for a few minutes. When I was a little barefooted rascal about the size of a fat man's fist, I used to be the dish washer at mammv's house. I used to line up the dirty dishes in battle array, giving each of them a knife and fork to fight with, and then I would charge at them with a wet dishrag and win a great victory. The greasy mem ory of those dish-washing davs sticks to my brain like disease germs to a fly 's foot or the odor of onions to boarding-house hash. At the old-field school-house we used to have debates on ' "The Dishrag and the Broom," and I was always on the side of my old friend, the dishrag. Some of "my greatest orations were delivered in defense of that faithful friend of the kitchen mechanic. The dishrag is a wonderful in vention. History is strangely si lent as to the name of the invent or, but We know it to be of very ancient origin. The dishrag must have been invented about five or six thousand years before the woods were burnt. It was old and gray-headed when the Atlantic Ocean was just a little puddle, and they used the ocean for a dishpan. The ancients were well ac quainted with . this well-known weapon of kitchen warfare, arid their sweet sixteens could play "Dixie Doodle" on an old greasy plate to beat the band. Many of the most classic dishrags that we have any account of were of Greek and Roman architecture. The dishrag! Look at it as it hangs there behind the stove, and try to imagine how the wo,rld would have gotten on without it. How faithfully and uncomplain ingly it has served mankind, and yet the poor thing has been treat ed worse than, a &g. It has had to be content with nuzzling over the empty dishes after the greedy boarders had gobbled up every thing. And this is the first time it has ever had its biography written.
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
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Nov. 1, 1910, edition 1
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