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VOL. II. MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, FEBRUARY, 1911. NO. 2. When tlie . Dollar Bules the Pulpit and the Devil .Rules the Pew. In this world of .frills and fashions, Where the churches are so fine, And the trade-mark of religion Is the classic dollar sign, There's a rule that never faileth, : And you'll alwaysfind it true When the Dollar rules the pulpit, " Then the Devil rules the pew. There may be a heap of singing, And an awful sight of prayer And the sermon may be answered With an "Amen!" here and there; But as sure as Joe's a Dutchman, Or old Shylock was a Jew,;. . , When the Dollar rules the pulpit. When the money gets to talking, And the Masters voice is still, And the preacher swaps a sermon For a twenty dollar bill. That's the time, old Mister Satan,, : Gets the churches in a stew When the Dollar rules the pulpit And the Devil rules the pew. When religion goes a-begging, . And the Bible is forgot, And the preacher preaches nothing Only scientific rot, Then the faithful old believers, They are getting mighty few When the Dollar rules the pulpit And the Devil rules the pew. And then it takes twovmore -nig gers to tote off. the out-of-date garments and throw them in the river or sell them to the poor trash. - All that dog-bited fashionable foolishness among the If air' ones has been a source of 'much fun, fuss and fury among 1 us inauK headed masculine mollycoddles. But sarn my skin if it don 't look like we had better dry up: The,' news comes gaily galloping over the red-hot wires that - we," the great conservative male member! A SERMON TO THE PREACH- t. ..--,, - - .... ... . . . ERS. Howdy,. Mister Preacher. Now don't get scared, and run away with yourself-I'm not going toA bite you. I'm nof quite so dan gerous as they've beetr-trying to make you believe. Fact is, I'm a sort of preacher myself, only I don 't wear, a jimswinger coat, a stud-hoss collar and 'a stove-pipe fhat like some of you fellows do. I nm not. near as Drettv and of the forked race, are ' going ' ,uyy;mg as you preacners. be initiated -into . a ; chane oiUPie ,10 are aosoiuteiy trutn- iashion. Yes, sir,, the fires 46$ fashion have actually-blown, over Then jJhe ; Dgvnjgett e the ex line atalxjaushtnut i thi old mouldy marsh-grass of mari- WOPE, SIR I Whoa, Buck! Gee-haw, Jack ! Back, Bawley! I'll be hanged if that old flop-eared' hound of fashion ain't yelping on a hot trail this time ! We poor old plug-uglies of men have been having just dead oodlings of fun about feminine fashions. We have pointed the ' long, bony fin ger of our withering disgust at the dear, dazzling darlings of the fashionable female- flock, who always have to keep eiglit or ten hired girls to help them change dresses as often as the fashions change. The really up-to-date society woman these days has to have two good girls to study the fashion plates, - one- girl to stand at the telephone and give orders to the tailor, two niggers to lug the duds home, and six French maids to help her - crawl in and out of the wonderful creations dom. Thedecree has gone forth that we, the men, are to wear corsets. -That is, we are to have our coats and vests cut out by a corset pattern, and " they will fit as tight as Dick's hat baricl. We will have to tie av calf -rope around our middles to squeeze us in and make1 our clumsy carcasses conform to the queenly corset curve. ; ' ' And they 'are also going to get out a .new and revised edition of breeches for. mortal man to scuf fle about in. The new garments will fit like a man had4een melt ed and pouredMnto.:'em, and he will look, likehe had swapped legs with a bull-frog. Poor man! He will have a dickens of a time when he gets into -them nw breeches. He will have to stand up alL the timei be cause if he sits down his breeches "will bust. Weep and howl, Mister Man, for the bull-dogs of fashion are on your track ! , . Whenever I see one of these close-fisted . pinch-gutted human hogs just hurrying and worrying, toiling and sweating almost day and night to lay up money, while they never take time to enjoy life as they go along; I. am re minded of the Irishman who -was held up by a highwayman. "The robber held a - revolver in the Irishman's face and sang out: ' Your ; money or your life! The Irishman, tremblings with fear," replied : - 4 1 Take me loif e ! Take me loife! Oi'msavin' me money for me old age. f ill say I ain 't no beauty. tolook at" and I wouldn 't . dare to dispute their - word. - As-preacher-coat flappIhgTarou would be as much out of place as a gold hinge on a gate post? and a stove-pipe hat roosting on. my dome 6f thought would look like a car-wheel on a log-wagon. All of which goes to show that I ain't no flower-pot and wouldn 't hardly do to pose for a fashion plate. ' :' . But, on the other hand, I am just a common rough" and awk- ward i country : clodhopper, with but little education and none of your hif alutin ' ' society polish. ' ' Yet in my own peculiar style I try to do a little preaching some times. "My audience is so large and so widely, scattered that I can't get them all together and talk to them; face to face; Never did try to get up before an audi ence and spill eloquence all over it, nohbwl Guess I'd make a "mess Sf it if I tried that. But I like to shVhere in my oflice and talk to my large audience through the columns of The Fool-Killer. But I started out to preach a sermon, to the preachers. They have : been preaching to me all my life, off and bnr-and I reckon turn about is fair play. -' ; I. like you preacher men pretty well.. Taking vou ud one side and down t 'other, you are a tol erable nice bunch, and I ain 't got a word to say. against your trade. Preaching is a rattling, good job, and .a man can live easy and be happy if he don 't perish to death at it. If, you think the Lord has picked you out and. given you a message forCthe people, by. all means deliver that message. But don't jump and storm and try to tear the 7 house down irrthe time of i t . That 's one kind pr pr each: -ing J, don't like, and I am going: to stand right up to you fellows and tell you so. I have seen some preachers who would start out verywell, "but in about five min utes they , would, be jumping . up . and down like an old-fashioned sash saw-mill, waving their, arms like a - pair of " winding-blades, and yelling like forty wild In- ; dians with the" devil after them. . They preach as if they thought everybody in the house was .! as . deaf, as a post,' but the truth: is, they make - so' much - noise you couldn't even get tail-fold'on a thought it they vShould -happen to. " express ohe.-They . mistake-per spiration : f or . inspiration and racket for - religion. '.Whenever you see a preacher Jget : up and sweat down his stud-hoss collair in thirty minutes on a winter day, it's a sign, God jsn 't helping , him much or it wouldn't be such hard .work. -Imagine Jesus Christ cutting such, capers as. 'thatl Just -imagine Him going into a Tpulpit and bouncing around like a rub ber man and yelling . till you couldn't hear it thunder! No, sir, buddy J That wasn't the .way He. preached. Not' by; a jug full. No cutting didoes for Him. His dominant characteristics were calmness and power, and I don't I believe He wants any gumpmg- jacks in the pulpit at the present day trying to raise the dead with their outlandish bucking, and bellowing. v . . The old prophet tells us that God was not in the mighty wind, nor the earthquake, but r in the Still, Small Voice.; But the little" old sash-saw and - winding-blade pop-gun preacher hops up ; and just bellows his little gizzard out trying to make somebody think God is talking through rhim. Maybe so, but that don V sound like God's voice to me. Sir; Oliver . Lodge; a wobbly minded scientist who has been caught in the current of Spirit ualism, ; says : 4The boundary between the known ; and the un known is wearing thin in' places." Aw, shucks, Oliver, it ain't half as thin yetj-as your Spiritualism slush. T v, " : H ' - 7. X -5 v I
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
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Feb. 1, 1911, edition 1
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