WHIPFLEDIOXl
The following putrid package
has just been delivered to ' me
from some low-down; lousy, lop
Hvered larrupin' lunk-head who
is too much of a measley coward
to give his name and postofiftce
address. The mess was written
with a dull lead pencil in a very
ignorant, strangling sort of hand.
Xot knowing the rascal's real
name, I am going -to. call him
-Whiffledick," just for Hhe sake
of a handle to pick him up by,
.v listen : . . : , j ,v
Too the odtcur of the foOl killer
Sur i rite this letter too caul you
Down a little, you seam too think
you air orful smart, buttin in Aboute
what aint none of yore Bisness. i
seen a pe-ece in one of yore isshews
wh; 1 it sett tei backer and snuff wos
n sty. Now lookee here mister editur
i have chawed terb"ackr all iny life
ml iny ole woniern she dips, and
we air both as clean as you air. and
i seen whar you throwed off on sum
of our high offishuls, callin them ole
rasails, plugs and sich like. You
;;ml your little ole paper ort too be
driv out of the country, now mister
lool killer gu-s -this letter will cook
oic duniplin so good by."
Law sakes. Whiffledick! -lAnd
you thought .you'd call me down
u little, did yoiH Dog-bite your
rotten skin, you'd have to call
mo down a long distance before
I'd bo down on your level. And,
besides that, 1 absolutely refuse
to be called down to any such a
depth of moral depravity as the
plane of life you occupy. - You
need not have told me that you
chawed and your old woman dip
ped. I knew it. There was enough
ambeav on your letter to kill a
dozen of the toughest old Tom
eats in the state. If I would print
your copy of The Fool-Killer: on
a Tobacco leat ana throw m a
bale of snuff as a supplement, I
guess you and your old woman
would subscribe for a hundred
years in advance. You are a pret
dng old drippy-chinned
rascal to be trying to "call me
down." I'll bet you ain't wash
ed your lace nor put on a clean
shirt in six months A plunge
bath in a hog-wallow would im
prove your smell, you rotten old
reprobate you. And yet you have
the gall to come ranting around
here and trying to tell The Fool
Killer what its duty is. - -
Hold on there, Whiffledick ! I
thought I was done with you, but
T ain't, What "high officials" is
it that have hired you to defend
their records against the attacks
of The Fool-Killer? It strikes
me that any official who has to
depend on you for protection had
just as well throw up his hands
and surrender. And let me just
whisner this" f not into vrmr wnnlv
Club
MORE .-IDIOTOHmiSr
M Pubs of; Five, 15c -a Year."
The price of aingle subscriptions to The FooltKiller ia 25- cents a year,
but if you will get several of your, friends to go in with you and send in a
club of five or more at one time, you can all get the paper at 15 cents a
year. ' The Foci-Killer is creating great excitement wherever it : is intro
duced, and it now goes into every State in the Union." Join the army of
club-raisers. .Do it now. Address:. T
: TEE FOOL-KILLER, MORAVIAN FALLS, X. 0.
THE LAW OP THE EARTH.
Life for life is the law of the earth;
Death for death is the price we
pay; ' .
Battle and bleed from the hour of
birth.
Back to the arms of r the primal
. clay.
Only the seed that falls and dies
Lives again in the tender plant;-
And the blood of a thousand murders
cries .
Through every life that the hea
vens grant.
The . atom dies that the worm may
live,
And the worm must die for the
fowl to feast; -And
the fowl, ere long, its life must
- give
To prolong the life of the hungry
beast. ,
And then we follow the winding way,
With life and death in the mingled
plan, ; .' ; y':'.yf 'T--:';rT
Till the beast his head on the block
must lay l
To feed the life of his master, man.
The soldiers march to the roll of
drums.
And many a battle is bravely
planned, ; v
And the fight goes on till the finish
comes, '-'
And men must' fall that the- state
may stand.
And, oh, how transient is the state!
For kingdoms crumble like the
clod, - -i
And all our works that seem so great
Are play-things in the hands of
God. -. ,::
' JAMES LARK IN PEARSON.
HELEN HIGHWATER !
old
ear: A '"high official" is no
more in my sight than any other
common fellow. If he behaves
himself and does his duty I will
not pester him ; but if he goes
crooked I'll biff him just as quick
as I would a one-gallus rail-splitter.
Now tote your freight, Mr.
Whiffledick, and if I ever have
to give you another skinning you
Won t get off as easv "as von hn vp
thn time. - -
. Sara my skin -if it don't beat
bobtail ! Now just think -there
have been pink-colored duds, on
the markets of this old world
ever since Heck was a pup. Many
of the common cusses, and a few
of the uncommon cusses,- have
paddled around in pink to their
heart's content. : But it wasn't
any use. They couldn 't get the
fashion- world set on fire. v The
dinky-dee darlings of - fashion s
four hundred-were as blind as
bats and could not discover that
grown spring pullet with her legs
tangled in a hank of stocldn'
varn. ' , .
An d then , bless your soul, there
was someth in g. doin g in th e fash
ion world. It suddenly dawned
on the gay and giddy bunch that
pink was THE thing and in about
three shakes - of a sheep 's tail ev
ery high-kickin' hussy in all the
rotten realm of Snobdom had
made a raid on. the drygoods
stores, and came forth harnessed
and hobbled and "bibbed and
tuckered in a complete outfit, of
the wonderful ' Helen pink. ' ' '
Helen pink j Helen -'High water !
Also Helen Blazes! Such a drivel
ling display of fashion's flunkified
foolism is enough to make a smile
play over the face of a wooden
Indian, or tickle the funnv bone
of a brass nigger. Pink dresses
am t one doggon bit prettier than
1 1 . -w-r .
tney nave always oeen. rears be
fore Helen Taft was ever thought
of a pink ; dud was just a pink
dud, and that s all it is now. But
I they had to wait and let her set
the fashion, because she is the
pampered progeny of a pot
bellied president
I can remember the time when
it was Alice blue ' this and ' ' Al
ice blue" that, and all because
the daughter of Ted the Terrible
had an old blue frock But those
days have passed. Alice rblue '
has gone into oblivion, along with
the sweet-scented cigarettes that
Alice used to smoke. We are now
living in the pink age and under
the reign of the pink petticoat
Everything must conform to the
prevailing color. The dudes must
wear pink breeches, chaw pink
terbacker, and kill enough booze
to paint their noses the same
beautiful Helen pink. If you want
to be the" pink of perfection in
society circles these days you
must dike yourself out in pink alt
over even your' teeth and the
white of your eyes "must be Helen'
pink. Among the dog-loving de
generates of fashioii's realm pink
poodles are all the go. If some
second Luther Burbank will rise
up and go to breeding pink dogs
he would soon have John Rocky
faded to a pale shade of pink.
Next thing we know they will
be sending a gang of painters
seootin ' up J acob 's ladder to
change the blue sky to Helen
' It is . lots easier "to : raiserbeliy
than brains. .
Money makes a move, and the
devil seconds the motion.
.'Truth crushed to earth" has
to get up by itself, but a lie al
wayshas help. . ; . v
' You can get justice1 in. . our
courts if you have enough mon
ey to pay for It. -
This has grown to be a country,
of the millionaires, by the million-
aires, and for the millionaires. If
it ain't so the devil's a witch.
They say there is a ' 1 Total Ab
stinence Club" in Congress.: I'll
bet it ain't got more than one '
member, and he don't meet once
m ten years.
1)Q you reckon- they '11 charge
a-body house rent in heaven? If ,
not, where in the gee-whiz do the
big stuck-up churches get .their
an thority for charging pew rent ?
A little retrospection once in a
while may be a good thing, but it
don't pay to look pack over -the
past too much. Remember -what
appened to Mrs. John W. Lot,
of Sodom, for looking back.
If you will take a copy, of Web
ster's Dictionary and chop it up '
fine with a feed-cutter, and then
spread the stuff out on a plank
and try to read it, you can get as
much sensed pnt of it as you can
out of the ordinary "legal paper'
fixed up by a gan g of; lawyers
WE BUY NAMES
Send 30 cts and the names and ad
dresses of thirty heads of families to
The National Directory," Moravian
Falls, N. C, and we will mail you for
your: trouble a high grade Masterman
Fountain Pen. This pen would cost
you $2.00 at a, retail store anywhere.
; ; "CASTLE GATES."
By James Larkin Pearson.
The above Is the title of a little
Book , of Poems by - your humble ser
vant. My spare ""moments for the past
15 years have been spent in writing
the book. I also printed it and bound
it in cloth with my own hands. , The
book has 10S pages, and contains 93
poems, all . of which are said to be
very good. ; Price 50 cents, postpaid.
JAMES LARKIN PEARSOK,
Moravian Falls, N. C.
pink was 'purty" until one day
when Miss Helen Honey-Bunch : pink. And after this great earthly
Taft, that great, strappin ' she- r fashion . show is over and done,
male offspring of Big Bill, jump-Land the returns come in and the
ed head" foremost into A a pink votes are counted, the fanatical
hobble-skirt and went waddling fashion fools will take the eleya
about over th e ballroom carpets tor down and get acquainted with
of .Washington Town like an over-j Helen Blazes. .
SUBSCRIBE FOR
"THE BIO PJSTOL."
'PVi Tomona "Pa anal inilflr , nf tliA
Age. Every shot hits the center of
the blackness of all social and polit
ical sins and shams. Every chamber
loaded with fire and 'brimstone, and
shot off monthly for 15 cents 'a year.
Address: THE BIG PISTOL,
Campton, Ky.
"THE LIFE OF NAOMI WISE."
A true story of a beautiful girl and
how she was"killed,by Jonathan Lew
is "in Randolph County, . North Caro
lina, about one hundred years ago.
A masterpiece of passionate and
thrilling interest. We include the
song of "Naomi Wise" with the book,
which is neatly printed and substan
tially ; bound,' all sent- postpaid for
12c with our new catalog.
-r-i -r-v iTrnrrnTTiif O nr VTMfl XT -
Hi. ST. lNCiVVO UXM OC KsVJ., IV1V v.