VOL. II.
MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, APRIL, 191L
NO. 4.
THE SUFFRAGETTE.
She stands in regal splendor . .
The woman of to-day
The queen of home, and likewise '
Of regions far away.
She looks upon the failures -That
boastful man has made ,
In every line of business
And every field of trade. ' . "
And then she presses forward
And opens every door
That had been barred against her
And this the men deplore. -
In every field of " action,
No matter where or when,
She takes the .gage of battle '
And wins against the men.
The home is hers supremely,.! :
, And there she'll ever shinet il
But woman is no longer .
A helpless, clinging vine. -
The star of hope is rising
Along the social skies;
She reads its faithful message
With calm, far-seeing eyes.
She'll vote against the bar-room,.
The brothel and the den, -Where
virtue falls a victim
To lust of wicked men.
Shut up, you fogy cowards
Who sound the warning note
Who think it would be fatal
To let the women vote.
You sing the praise of woman
In home's enchanted realm ;
Why fear ye for the nation
With woman at the helm?
So here's to Woman Suffrage :
And all it may denote; - .
Bring on your-snow-white ballots
And let the women vote. , -
JAMES LARKIN PEARSON.
RATS, HAIRPINS AND STORE
TEETH.
u-my-o! He-haw! Yum! Here it
is! Two fair damsels of Providence
Khode Island, recently inserted their
niy-white fistlets into boxing gloves
and waded into "each other 'to settle
the question as to which one should
u j viutio iiiai jjulu
of the gentle wildcats were smashed
on.
Don't know what I'd do if I were in
the young man's place, but it ' seems
to me he's in hard luck no-matter
which g,ets hini. After the sugar coat
wears off of the honeymoon, ' suppose
sne takes a notion to practice her
Pugilistic powers on poor little hubby,
what cculd he do? In the hands of a
Wlfe like that he wouldn't be any
more tban a dry leaf in a whirlwind.
PEARSON PLUS PIRINTER'S INK.
Boys, there is only one of me. I
can only be in one place at a time.
But :The Fool-Killer is a multiplied
edition of myself , and it can be pres
ent in many places at once. It can
go wherever the mails go, and it can
talk better than. I could talk if I were
there in person: . -
The printing press is a' great ma
chine. It enables a man to multiply
himself and send himself out over the
world. Thus he is able to form a
much 'larger circle of acquaintances
than he could. otherwise do. If a man
has something important, to say and
can only talk by; word of mouth, his"
figyjjsuss is necessarily .limited.-
' But if he takes ." advantage of
the printing pres's and multiplies his
thoughts on paper he can send his
personality to the ends of the earth
and make friends with people who
will never see him in the flesh; I
want to inject my own individuality
into the columns ok The Fool-Killer
to such an extent that my readers
everywhere can feel that old Pearson
himself is talking to them from the.
printed page. - . '
:: And to you, dear readers you who
have already stuck your ''feet under
my literary table and feasted your
center of sensation on my intellectual
cookin to you I must look for help
in getting myself introduced among
strangers. Every one of my more
than ten thousand readers knows
hundreds of people that I don't know.
If you -will introduce me -to. all the
folks you know, and the other" fellow
will introduce me to all the folk3. he
knows, I will soon know most every
body and most everybody will know
me. And when I get -everybody ac
quainted with this multiplied edition
of myself The Fool-Killer -then r l
will be able to do some talking worth
listening, to. Every new subscriber
means a little more" money, and the
more money I get the sassier I can
kalk. -. . ' - - . ' ;
COULDN'T GET IT.
t : In last issue of The Fool:killer I
promised to print a picture of my
iigly self in. this issue if I could get
one to print.- Well, I tried-three dif
ferent times, but the camera couldn't
Stand it. The last one I tried exploded
and blew the photographer - straight
up, through the sky-light and he hit
the ground a-running and hasn't been
heard of since.- But the neighbors
say it is still Taining heel-taps and
broken' glass around there.
U Whenever I can muster up . the
nerve to tackle another photographer
I will try again. You shall have that
picture if. I have to stand in. front of
Ji:8cJolng--glass.an(KtIraw-it:-'With
a Are ioal. . - : , -
DON'T TAX THE BACHELOR
A man who never tries to sing at
any other time will crack away at ft
when he gets into a picnic wagon;
- " -J . .
The Pappy of Rome is fixing to ride
this country to the devil pretty soon.
He has done got us bridled and sad
dled,, and just the other day he tight
ened up the. belly-band - one .more
notch by. electing a Roman Catholic
United States Senator from New York.
Some rose-comb rooster recently
writ me a ream of rot in which he im
plored me to turn my biggest guns
on the Old. Bachelors and give them a
blistering bounce. But I ain't a-goin'
to do . it, nary step" I ain't. Instead of
that, I am going to hang this modern
Hainan with; the same rope that he
wanted me to hang the Old Bachelors
with: v
The unreasonable cuss wanted me
to: advocate a bachelor tax, making
the poor old bachelors . pay a tax ot
ten dollars a year on their misery. -
Now, dearly beloved, I suspect there
are two kinds of bachelors those who
want to- be bachelors and those who
don't ' I might take a notion to vote
for-a tax on ' those who want to be
bachelors those who , have had plenty
of chances to escape bachelorhood
and-wouldn't take advantage of them
but the poor fellow -who tries his
infernal est to get a woman and can't
. -- .. .
-'for him I have no feeling" but pity.
You can' blame the men for being
bachelors all you please, but in most
cases they- are not to blamed The
women are getting so doggon inde
pendent these days that a fellow has
got to fish with mighty tempting bait
if he catches one. , ' -
Let a man fall- head over heels in
love; let him write spring poetry and
lqve -letters ; let ; him lose four nights
a week sitting up with the dear thing;
let him be just as big a fool as the
average love-sick fool ever gets to be ;
and-then let the dear thing trot off
and marry c some , other pair of
breeches.. Do you think: the fellow
who got left ought to be "taxed?. I
don't: Of course it "might-have been ,
the .best thing that ever hannened to
him, but" you couldn't .make him
see it that way to save your life. The
poor fellow has built dream castles"; '
he has imagined for himself" all the -
happiness that his heart could " hold ;
and then he has seen" the dream go
all to smash, like a "rose-bud when a
cow steps on it. The "cottage for
two" dwindles down to a bachelor's
bedroom -with no" fire-place and- not
half enough coveri He has to sew on
-his own-buttons and darn his, own
socks, and if he "darns" a few other
things in the time of it,: we know' veryv
well, there s a reason.,- , , : -
r At leastrhalftherbachelors ;wouidt
father be I husbands, ; but they can't -the
poor" fellows don't have ' any
cnance. They somehow miss the. com
bination to the i matrimonial game. :
They: can't get the kind of women they
want, and the kind they could get the -devil
wouldn't have. And so they have
to back up into the shalves xf bach
elorhood and singlefoot it down the.
path of. life. to Uietune of" "What Is
Home Without a Petticoat A-Hangin '
On a Nail?" : '." .
,Tax tW "bachelors? Nit. Tax the
pumpkin because it ain't a water-.
melon. Tax a blind man because he -can't
see. But for the Lord's, sake
don't put any, more burdens on the.
bachelor. - He is miserable enough as
it is' ' - -
P. S I m not a bachelor.
Two. things that look mighty awkward-1-
woman harnessing a horse,
and a man dressing a baby. -
7 Those , who think , Taft's . adminis
tration is "colorless" had better look -
-- .....-TJ LL f T J. .
agdtu. -uui uiajfuc uicux uiggcio .uavc
turned white since he appointed them.
uvery son-oi-a-gun oi us sucKeru
ought to fall headlong on bur stom
achs three times a day and thank God
that ind, : water and ; sal vatidn are ;
free,1 if nothing else is.' The Square
Deal. ' The above sounds very strange
coming from- an editor who : has re
peatedly expressed his disbelief in
any God and who" has put himself
down as a disciple of old Bob Inger
soll. Down deep in their; heathenish
hearts - these ' Smart Eleck infidels
don't believe their rotten lies. If they
do, what in the mischief makes them
stagger - off -onto expressions like- th e
above expressions that give the di-,
rect He to their creed?' . . 'J ' .