VOL. II.
MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, MAY, 1911.
NO. 5.
THE TEN
COMMANDMENTS REVISED.
And Mammon spake all these
words, saying, "I am the only god
that the big bugs of the present day
are willing to worship ; therefore I
give unto my slaves the following
commandments:;
1. Thou shalt not waste any time
worshipping the true God, as thou
art too busy making goo-goo eyes at
ra?. ." -,' "'m;
2 Thou shalt not make unto thee
any graven image, except such as
thou makest upon the face of a dollar.
Thou mayest put,; the image of a man
or woman upon money : and worship
it .toothy 1 heart's 'content. For I,
Mammon, am "a lavish God, visiting
the wealth of the fathers upon the
children to the second and third gen
eration. By that time they have
blowed it all in. . :
3. Thou mayest cuss a blue streak
if thou wantest to, for a man can't
prosper in business unless he is a
good cusser.
4. Remember election day, and vote
for anything the millionaires want,
5. Seven days shalt thou work,
and part of the nights, if necessary.
Thou shalt not rest, thou, nor thy
son, nor thy daughter, nor thy hired
man, nor thy cook, nor thy cattle,
nor thy horses, nor. the book agent
that stopped in to spend the night;
for the trusts and corporations are
hungry and must be fed from the
hands of labor. - A ':,
6. Thou shalt not kill a rich man,
especially if thou thyself art poor;
but if thou art rich and standest high
in society, thou mayest kill a poor
man or a nigger and thou shalt not
be hurt for it. -
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery,
unless thou gettest tired of thy own
wife and seest another that lookest
good to thee. Then if thou art dis
covered and the case comes ; into
court, lay all the blame on the
woman like old man Adam did.
8. Thou shalt not steal, unless
thou gettest a : chance. The safest
way to steal is to own stock in trusts
and railroads. Rockefeller,; Morgan
and Guggenheim can put you onto
the racket.
9. Thou shalt not tell the truth if
thou canst think up any, kind of a
He. The truth is what hurts ; there
fore if one lie gets thee into trouble,
tell another and, get out. . That's
business.
10. If thou desirest to be "in the
swim," covet everything thy neighbor
has and then bust thy belly-band
trying to get it.
A SURGICAL WONDER.
KING GEORGE'S TOP-KNOT.
l" -s
' Tramp, tramp, tramp, Old Lady
Science is marching on. She has just
stuck one more big buzzard feather
in her calico bonnet.
Up ' at the Rocky D. Oilyfeller In-
stittite in New York, where medical
and surgical science blooms more
freely and bears a bigger crop of
sensations than anywhere else in the
worldthere it is that they have
stuck; the peg one hole higher. '
It's' got so now that they can just
whittle a . fellow all up fine and put
him back together with his head, in
his mouth- and he Will never, know
that mjwild-sehQfl.-niate.? King ;T4rae,:,dlfferen-nlesav gets hokfid
For want , of something better to
do, our friends over in England ar4e
going to pull off another coronation
some time in June.
What's that, did you say? , '
Why, honey, they are fixing up to;
sorter ' decorate the swell-ended top
knot of that degenerate grandson of
old Queen Vic. I reckon you' knew
had gone on to glory about a year
ago, and that his boy, George, has
been trying t hold down the' job of
king ever since. But it seems that
they didn't have much opinion of
George. They sorter took him on
probation, as it were, and didn't allow
him to cram his louse-paslure into
the Imperial Crown until . they had
taed him, bare-headed for awhile.
I have no fault to find with George's
reign, so far. I think' he has done
about as well as I could have, done,
considering the fact that he has had
to reign bare-headed and with noth
ing to wear but some of his daddy's
old reigning clothes. I don't think
they have treated George right, no
how, It ain't no fun to sit on a hard
throne and reign steadily all day.
But on the 23rd of June they are
going to take the Imperial Crown
out of the bureau drawer and see if
George's mental wheels, will have
room to go round in it. ' :
They are going to call in the lords
and the gods, the counts and the
dukes, the snobs and the asses; also
the lordesses and the -goddesses, the
countessess and the dukesses, the
snobesses and the asseses, and kill
the old rooster and make dumplings.
It will be a great day for merry old
England. The royalty will trot out
its finery and bow and scrape before
His Majesty, the King, with all the
enthusiasm of a mammy cow licking
her new-born calf. ' . -.
on hair. - "
The firm of Sawbones & Company
have got limb-grafting down as .fine
as frog-hair, and nowhere: can they
carve up a' man so successfully as
at the Rocky hangout.- The fame of
that powerful Institution had drawn
together a great- number of the halt
and the lame. Among the number
If you like The Fool-Killer, send
in a few subscribers..
There is nothing like sticking to a
thing, as the cat; said when : she sat
down on a sheet of fly-paper. ' -
was a preacher, a lawyer, a farmery
a dude, a drummer a blacksmith, an
editor and a tramp. These men were
almost complete physical wrecks,
but it happened that each one had
just one sound limb or part, and each
man's sound place . was in a. different
part of him. , '
So ; the wise Rocky, doctors :. got
these poor fellows on their carving
tables and began to carve and saw
like a butcher cutting up an old
steer. They cut out and throwed
away all the diseased parts, ' and
when they took an inventory they
had just enough remnants to make
one man. They were a little shy on
brains, and had a little more belly
than they needed,' so they hashed up
some of the belly and put it in for
brains. ;
Then they began to assemble" the
parts. They took the head of the
preacher, put into it all . the brain
matter they could scrape up, and
then whanged it onto the chest of the
drummer with a leather string. Then
they took the heart of the lawyer,"
and the stomach and bowels' of the
farmer, and put them in place. Their
stock of arms consisted of the left
. '. . ....... ' . -
arm of the blacksmith and the right
arm of the editor, and ? these were
soon attached. Then they had one
leg of the dude and one leg of the
tramp, -and it was only the work of
a few minutes Jo get them spliced
on at the proper place.-
And thus the composite man was :;
finished. ' The doctors air gathered
around and looked on in great ad
miration. Their new creation had
the appearance, of being just a little .
bit out of proportion in' some places, -but
they thought he would get over
that in a few days. So they got an,
oil can ' and oiled his bearings :
thoroughly, put some clothes on him
and told him to get up. He yawned
and sat . up , on the table and looked r
around the room sorter funny. 1
; "How do you feel?" inquired one of
the doctors. y . V
"I feel " like - a bowl of , mule , hash
with dog hair in it,"' replied the man.
"Do you know who you are?" asked
another ; doctor. ,. '
"No, I ain't been introduced to my
self yet," . said the man.
Then they put him to bed and al
lowed him to sleep a few hours, after
which he felt better. After a few
days rest and recuperation they told
him he was well enough to go home.
"Where in the Tom Walker will I
go to ?" exclaimed the new". man in ,
alarm. "My head lives in Boston
and elsewhere; my heart lives in,
New York; my stomach lives in Vir
ginia; my left arm Jives in Pittsburg
and my right arm in Philadelphia;
my left leg lives - at Newport and
Fifth Avenue, and my right leg ain't
got no home. Now ain't you fellers
got me into a devil of a fix?"
- Whereupon the - pieced-up man
marched angrily out of the room,
and the next day the papers stated
that he had killed himself by trying
to follow all of his trades at once.
His mouth wanted to "preach; his
heart wanted to tell lies; his stomach
wanted to plow, and eat corn bread
and bacon; his left hand wanted a
hammer and his right hand was
crazy for a pen ; his left leg wanted
to strut and dance and his right leg
didn't want to do anything much. And
thus' the conflicting desires in his
person caused him to fly all to pieces,
and they buried him in a back lot
just as the sun went down, and on
the gray slab that marks the spot
they chiseled these solemn lines:
"Poor "Mr. v Pieced-Up Man,
His fate is hard to tell;
Perhaps some of him .went
heaven.' ' ' . ;
And maybe some to hell."
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