Tfie Fool-E&iller
. A ' Pungent s Periodical of Thrilling
i Thought. 1 S' .
.PUBLISHED MONTHLY. .
J. L. PEARSON,
EDITOR.
. One year , to your heart, 25 . Cents.
In Clubs . Of Five.:or More,15 Cents.
( Entered as" second class matter
March 30, 1910, at the posoffice at
Moravian Falls, N. C, under the act
of March 3, 1879. .
TAKE NOTICE!
Do not send postage stamps on sub
scription. n . - -
Remittances should be made by
registered letter, express or postoffice
money order.
Be careful to write your own name
and address plainly, and direct all
letters and make all orders payable
to: . , . ' - v
THE FOOL-KILLER,
Moravian Falls,
Nrth Carolina.
Lei Us Talk ' It
Ov
er
Well, dear sinner friends, this is
The Fool-Killer. . .
r How does it set on your stomach?
If you like it, you can get more at
i headquarters. :
V : The Fool-Killer is not even a forty
'leventh cousin to any other paper oh
earth." - v . v
It stands in a class by itself, and
its -field is ?s , broad - as the English
language. -- --"-: - - i '
This paper wears no bell, muzzle,
collar nor halter. ; "
-Youjan put that down to start with.
I amvthefellow who works at the
pump.-handle on this pungent period
ical of thrilling thought. : I print only
what L write; I write only what I
think ; and I think - what M doggon
please.
' :
I own this entire v establishment,
and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to
buy one share of it.
Does that sound strange ? ,
Well, bless your soul, I am a great
deal richer than old John.
I never travelled any to speak of,
but I have read a great deal, and have
. thunk some.. t
I have also writ a few books which
I know are great, because they don't
i sell worth a cent,
v Great books never do.
And then I started The Fool-Killer,
v -- ...
; just to quiet my nerves and keep the
old press from getting rusty.
From the seclusion of these wooded
hills there , will go forth each month
' a bundle of literary dynamite that
wilf shake the rotten foundations of
; Society and cause the Church of Mam
mon to at least turn-over, in its sleep
' The Fool-Killer will be a .monthly
mustard-plaster for the blood-boils of
Society, Church and State.' . . v
It will be salted with wit, peppered
vith: humor, and seasoned "with - sar
casm - , - ' v
Every line will cut like a whip, and
overy word will raise a blister.
If you are a. fool you had better not
subscribe for The Fool-Killer. If
you . are wise you will. And so that
settles it. . -
Idiotorials.
A good bluff beats a bad excuse.'
- . . :
I'm tolerable, thank ye. How- are
you? - . O
Get up a club for The Fool-Killer
today. - " , - -
This old world is a plum sight,'
anyhow. ' . .
Be safe and sane, and let who will
be devilish. r :'
A fable is an open-faced lie .with
a handle to it.
A banana is the soft tit of heaven
wrapped in a, buckskin. : y .' 4
Pay a,man to be good, and he won't
earn his salary. .
Men are the salt of the earth, and
women are sthe pepper.
- Seek damage in court and it's a
sure thing you'll get it. .
A man never sees a spittoon with
out being tempted to spit . in it.
A clock is about the only thing that
strikes and keeps, on working.
Hello, buddy! Whatjire you doing
to help" circulate The Fool-Killer?
The main advantage we have over
the ancients is that we are still alive.
A woman can say more in a look
than a man can in a book.'
Blackberries have 'petered out. -Now
all aboard for Chinkapin Station!
It's, a doggon sight easier to invent
a scheme than it is to make it work ,
A jug' and a pistol and after that
the chain-gang, r Boys, don't that
sound good? C
All who are not for The Fool-Killer
are against it. , Where do you stand,
mister? Speak up. "
By the time some people make up
their minds what to do, it's too late
to do it.
Woodrow Wilson reminds me of a
wet dish-rag trying to pass' off for a
silk necktie..
Try to make your mark in the
world, but don't let it be a question
mark. ' . . : " .
There are plenty of folks who nev
er make mistakes. They are under
the sod.
Have -we got Reciprocity, or do we
have to wait for Canada to thresh
all that straw over again? Hen?
A man can find a million reasons
for loving . a millionaire's daughter
and every reason looks just like a
dollar.
When the lion: and -the lamb lie
down together, the lamb is" usually
on the inside. A. ' 1 . "
An old philosopher said ohcethat
reading maketh a full man. So does
a "quart, of red likker.
Hot, did youvsay?. Well,.! believe
I had noticed .that it t was just, the
least bit warm. - . '" - -
The Catholics are plotting to -kill
Tom Watson. They had better kill
something Vthey can eat. :
Law! is like a spider web it catch
es and holds the little flies, but lets
the big bugs get away. 1 J
Kind words are often " wasted where
a good stout kick from a. number ten
brogan might have done some good.
I once '. knew a girl who went by
the name ofv "Postscript." Her real
name was Adeline Moore.
BOOZE & CO., PRINTERS AND
: PUBLISHERS.
I am thinking about buying a
flying-machine. It doesn't cost any
thing to think about it.
Most people are all right when
they are asleep. The trouble is, they
don't sleep enough: , .
If men were as big as they talk,
some of them could spit over the top
of a telegraph pole. , -
Virginia and North Caroling are
coming out of the kink, thank you.
They are getting so ' they can afford
nearly as many, swell murders as
New York. r - ' .
Miss Madelaine Sullivan, a Chicago
white girl, was recently married to
an Indian Chief named "Plenty
Hawk." Now about , the first time
Plenty Hawk comes home full of
plenty likker . there will be plenty
devil, to pay. , ' v . "
v ir somebody will - invent a" plan by
which the coatless man may leave
off his suspenders and. at the same
time s wear the waistband loose
enough for comfort without danger.
of losing his breeches, he can make
a fortune out of it. - t
4 1 ain'f in politics nary ' bit, but if
some' party will get up a ticket read
ing "Roosevelt and Bryan," dog my
cats if I don't vote it. Roosevelt and
Bryan are the two cleanest and best
men in American public life today,
and they are near enough together
in.their views v that they could con
sistent run on the same ticket. So
here's the opening gun of the Roose-velt-Bryai
boom. Hip hurrah!
BURY HIM.
If this country can't find better
material for President than either
Taf t or Wilson, I think it is a dickens
of a bad chance. .
.-They are talking about making the
silver dollars heavier. Please don't
do it they are too hard to raise. al
ready. .
The reason why lightning never,
strikes twice in the same place is
because the place is .not, there after
the .first n visit. . ' ' J -
Bury the mteer out in the woods,
In a beautiful hole in the ground,
Where the Woodpecker pecks and .th
.bumblfebee bums,
And . the straddlebug straddles
-. around
He ain-'t, no use In the world of 'men
; Too unpractical, stingy and dead; "
But he wants ttie earth and 'all of its
. crust, . ' r ' -,
. And the ..stars! that shine overhead.
Then hustle h
-1
(m off to the bumble
bee's roist, T -
And bury hiii, deep in the eround:
He's no use heVe get him out of the
; way,
, And make robm for the man that
. is sound.
"Well, .dog my cats hang my buttons-
and blister my sun-burnt hide!
It-, here ain't another pretty kettle of
fish. . For behold it ' cometh to pass
that the old pot-gutted : Booze Brig
ade has buckled on a brand-new
breast-plate of hellishness and start
ed out to subsidize the 4ocal press of
the country;
,.: It seems, if I understand it.' right,
that the low-down likker-lovers of
this ' land of the spree and home of
the police court have organized a
newspaper syndicate and are r now
proposing to furnish a free plateser
vice to all country "editors who . will
use the same. - '
In other words, Old Man Booze and
his campaign committee will obligate
themselves to get up the copy, set the
type and "send the plates prepaid
with their compliments and a sample
quart of red-eye.
If the editor : is sorter pinch-gutted
tmd wants to kick . about that,-the
dear old Booze Gang will also furnish
the paper, pay the printer and the
postage bill, and send the editor, a
two-gallon jug of old corn.
If the editor is still stubborn and
hard-hearted, Old Booze & Co.' will
further agree to take over the entire
outfit, including debts, deadbeats and
delinquent subscribers, and x to, board
the editor and his family ,and all of
his wife's relations r for the next
twenty years. - - v
; And all that the editor has ; got to
do in exchange - for all these favors
is to , give hell a . mortgage J on - his
manhood and selL his soul ? to i the
devil. . Piirty "cheap, ain't. it? - C
Law- sakes alive, honey, ..ain't ; Old
Booze & Co; the free-heartedest . fel
lers you'ever did see? How they do
love the poor,, hard-working : editor !
They know how hard' it is for him to
write news when there is nothing to
write. -n They know how his brain gets
befuddled sometimes and how the
voice of the printer yelling "copy"
makes the poor editor faint. :
I don't know how in the thunder
they found out all this, but they seem
to know it, and their great, loving
hearts have opened to help the poor
editor. ' "
Df course the papers printed from
Booze & I Co.'s free plates will not
contain any sermons, ? Sunday School
lessons, temperance lectures, and
other "harmful reading. Such un
necessary and dangerous : stuff will
be crowded out and the space devoted
to telling where you can get - five gal
lons of Guggle & Sputter's Celebrated
Whoop-Juice at so .much per, with a
whole gross of headaches thrown in
to be used on the morning after the
night before. '
Now, boys, as many of you as want
to can sell oxrt to Old Booze, but this
is to certify that Pearson and his
Fool-Killer are not for sale just yet.
As" long as I am able to drag a "lead
pencil across a sheet of paper I will
try to write my own thunder; or else
beg, borrow or steal it from some,
decent source, r if it ever" comes to
the "pass that : I have to ip my edit
orial gravy out of Old Booze's ; liter
ary kilieC hang-taked if , i don't
close up . the . shop and- hire out to
wash- guts at a .butcher-yard . T.
The shade of a chuxch. won't bleach
out a - black character .-any . quipker
than the shade of a barn will. . .
V
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