Newspapers / The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, … / Sept. 1, 1911, edition 1 / Page 1
Part of The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.) / About this page
This page has errors
The date, title, or page description is wrong
This page has harmful content
This page contains sensitive or offensive material
VOL. II. MORAVIAN FALLS, ; NORTH: CAROLINA, SEPTEMBER, 1911. NO. 9. SONG OF r DISSOLUTION. You may dissolve : old Standard Oil, You may kill it if you will"; , . But the same old . Johridee gang Will run the business still; - V.. A little change in the method ; A slight reform in the ,namei But the same old John in the saddle, And the motive power the same. So don't you get too' happy" . . t And think the millennium's come; For Standard Oil will be 'your "light For some time yet, by gumL HELLO, SONG" WRITERS! C SATAN'S SONS AND DAUGHTERS. , M Word ,;comes -1 Jfrpm-Hageycstoiifi Maryland,' that a gang of -soulless snoligosters in the shape of human beings held a regular break-down ahindig and double-geared dance in a graveyard at that place one night recently. ", ' ' It seems that some of the , fast bucks and buckesses tanked up on red-eye4 and other delightful dopes till they lost what little : conscience they ever had and felt able to fight a Kansas cyclone or drive the devil out of his den. And in that glorious state of mind and body they wended their way to the old graveyard where their good old ancestors were resting under the s od. They hung lanterns - on .: the monuments to cast a dim glimmer over the awful scene, and they lock- tdj arms and crow-hopped it over the grassy mounds till the . ... place looked like where a tribe of savage Indians had held a war-dance. When this shameful performance was discovered by the decent citizens of the community, there was some thing else doing. -They called on the officers of the law to take charge of the gay young heathen, and if they don't make them see stars they will fail to do their duty. Such a set of wild and wooly: barbarians ought to t e stripped as naked as Adam and cow-hided till their " miserable car casses wouldn't hold shucks. : And then they "ought to be put in the pen and made to work eighteen hours a 3 ay making white oak paddles to be worn out over ; their ; western hemi spheres. ' . , Say; chicks, why - don't you J . get rich? There is- no longer any' ex cuse for being poor. We have per fected a - plan that gives every per son a 'chance. - , " '"',.-' i You can make just dead obdlins of money writing -songs and ;' song poems. ' The rottener they are the better. A' grand prize of . fifteen cents will be given to the gink who can ; carve out "a . song that ' stinks worse than the rest of. the rot. best seller: "Squeeze . Me To Your .LrverV Kid; For I'm- rYoiir ..Mustard Plaster." If that . don't -get him she'll have a perfect right 'to hit him with' an axe. " ';". " These are just a "Jew samples of the catchy,"-, popular titles that we can furnish you on short . notice: Special rates ,on; , car-ioad - lots. Don't put" your songs in the fire. Where they . ought - to go but rake up $35 tor each onejand send them to us. Before sealing your letter, be careful to see that the money" is en-: . You may think you can't . write a j closed. It - really: don't. ' . matter : so popular song but that's where your much about; the songs they can go; thinker steps on itself: -Anybody who j to the" devil for all we care,, Address: song.-, ' Any song or song poem that era, Chicago,. What-a-noise. v This old life is nothing but a game of grab and run. Did'that fact ever kit you in the solar complexion? will , be ' ' all-fired" popular with us; We don't-care whether it rhymes or measures or has any sense - to it' or not. You - can trim your toe-nails and send us the trimmings, together with $35, and we: will guarantee to make ' a ; popular song out of 'em. The $35. is what counts. Don't get the idea that we are go ing to make you rich and famous just for our health not by. a jug full. The truth is, we've bought the United States government on the in stallment plan, and" we've just , got to have your money to pay " for it with. We can furnish you all the references you vvant as to our crookedness, and we will forfeit five cents worth of smoking tobacco to anybody who can prove that" we are honest. , ' There are lots of red-hot titles for songs that no fool has .yet thought of, and we'll . just hand you a few samples to go by. Dig up your thirty-five plunks and then write your song to one of these : titles : "It's awful to be Bald-Headed in Fly Time" this one ' would make ' a big hit with the old maids so touching and heart-rending in its tenderness. "Shooting Marbles " With Grandma's Glass Eye" here's, a honey-cooler and don't you forget it. "Swat, Swat, Little . Fly, That's ' Swat You 1 Are" isn't that cute? Dogged if we don't think it's almost too good to publish, but send along your money and; well risk It. And this one: ' "Red-Eyed Sal,. She's My Gal, and I'm Her Lem on Ade." Money, put i'nto: that, song would be safer "than , in the "bank. Here's one of those light; airy, fairy, fantastic ' titles, suitable 'fof a; young lady to reel off in the presense of her. 0. HELL. Hold ,on -there don't look at me in -that awful tone of voice. May be you think I've -v lost , my religion A; MATRIMONIAL DOG-FALL. Bless-my time!" What messes they1, do have up in Swelldom!; It's enough to make ; a turkey buzzard . throw up -his dinner of dead hoss. , t -r - . . - Whenever two of these uppity no bodies take 'a 'notion to.clawfleas under the "same quilt, they have to make" more fuss about ' it than ' a thousand old -women at a quilting. " : Now for ' the past month or so the papers have been full of that Astor Force matrimonial farce, and if - the horses didn't! laugh it- was because they didn't read the, newspapers. ' There' wa once a . John-Jacob - As ter' who "would 'sorter do, but he.gave his money I an (f his name to a he-thing that hnsWissriided' both,-; J don't know how many times John Jake and his present v honey-gal" had been married before - their goo-goo eyes .rested . on each other, but I think , they had both been hitched and un- and gone to cussing, but I ain't, hitched : nearly as many times as a Th'e ' above heading is " simply the name of a merchant who , lives in Brooklyn, New York, or else the newspapers have lied. And you surely don't think that a newspaper would be guilty of telling a fib. It i stated that O. Hell and his father, old man Billy Hell, are about to open up -a candy store in Brooklyn. And I . understand that Mr. Hell has pe titioned the court to change his name to Hill, as it never would, do to-tell the folks- to go to Hell for their, candy. WATERS. O 'taters, I love you, s But we must part; Three prices a peck Would break my heart." . - Elam's' Olio. ; -The heart wouldn't" matter, But what's still worse, Such prices for 'taters" Would break my purse. - ' , Pearson. Ain't it awful -funny, to think about how dearly the dog does ; love the rabbit? 'Say, Rube, the silk-hatted plute loves you just like that. , Do good, and the papers wont mention your name to save your life. But go and commit some crime and you, will get .a double-column scare head on 'the front page". That's the kind of a hang-taked: premium that the:vnewspapers put on rascality. plantation mule. And so they got the . glad rags ready - and sent for. a long-coated Reverend to say -'the tie-up words. But the good man held his. nose and Jake reached down in the neighbor hood of his groin and fished. out $500 and shook it at the preacher. But the preacher, who seemed to have a little self-respect, quietly informed the shameless couple that s $500 in spondulix was no inducement for him to mix up in, such a -mess. Therefore John Jake and his' jangle-jointed jularkie shouldered heir dough and -their duds and hit the ' high .places in search of another, skyrpilot At last they found one who had v lost ; his smeller and couldn't see eood. and they finally persuaded him; to take the job and the ; money.- They told hitn. not to tie it very hard, . as - they plight want to get it loose next week. And so John Jake and iflubbydub Force i were : pronounced , hub - and honey until one day after date. . And that's the sort of matrimonial dog-falls 4they "have up there in the rotten realm of s-ocial - snobocracy. How .would you like to be one of that -gang? - " . Gul-lup, gr-r-r-au-hookup! r Oh, do brihg me - something ' to , vomit in, jquick!, ' , , . - One - of - the most sickening sights I ever saw is to see a full grown man smoking cigarettes. '-
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
Sept. 1, 1911, edition 1
1
Click "Submit" to request a review of this page. NCDHC staff will check .
0 / 75