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VOL. II. MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, NOVEMBER., 1911. NO. 10. NOT MUCH DIFFERENCE. Old Aaron made a golden calf He made it, I allow, Because he hadn't gold enough To make a full-grown "cow. We're not much wiser than they were Those Israelites of old; We don't make ours up into calves, But still we worship gold. THE BIBLE AND ITS ENEMIES. KEEP YOUR GUN LOADED. , SISTER CHURCH AND WORLD. BROTHER A great deal of hot air is being shot off these days about defending the Bible against the attacks of the atheists and infidels. Why, bless your i soul, mister, the old Book don't need any defending. Through all the past centuries of darkness, and doubt the Bible has been taking care of itself, and it is quite able to v keep on doing - fr.i;,ijm'iiu'i""v.''i-y1 ""wn:"''!1"!" Every generation . contributes its little coterie of warty-souled wise acres who swell up on their own little bigness and try to disprove" the truth of the Bible. Each one has a new method by which he is. going to lam bast the eternal tar out of the' old Book and relegate it to the limbo of the dim and shadowy past. He makes a great splutter while he is at It, and some of the weak-kneed brethren get scared and think the Bible is in dan ger. But it isn't. These great thun der guns of Infidelity, who turn them selves loose against the Word of God, always manage to blow their own saw-dust brains out first. They spin around a few times like a horse-fly with a pin in the seat of his pants, or a fice dog with a bone hung in its throat, and . then their little earthly spasm is over. They have not in jured the Bible , a particle, but they have played everlasting smash with their own poor, puny souls. Any fool can go out in dry weath er when the sun is shining and wal low in the dust and kick up his heels until he is enveloped in a cloud of dust and can't see the sun. But the sun is shining right on, nevertheless. The Tom Paines and the Bob Ingerr- solls of this world are just like that they paw and scrape in the black dust or unbelief until they get their eyes full and can't see the glorious light of truth. The darkness is not in the Book, but in the men. So many of. these worldly-wise viggletails have tried to destroy the Bible and failed that it looks like they would quit after, awhile. But the poor old addle-pated fools haven't got sense enough to know when' they are beaten. . , ' See here, you self-made Solomons of the doubting persuasion; you just might as well save your breath to cool your dumpling. Your kick against the eternal truth isn't paying dividends. You remind me of an old razor-back sow trying to root the Rocky Mountains down. Bust yo infernal gall-bag yelling "Peace!" Peace!" but keep your gun loaded. : - Yes, that's the dinktum. m , That's the way this high-stepping, hell-bent generation looks at it Sehd . a great gang of howling Hob sons to Congress, and let them rip, rant and raise general hell' trying to double the appropriations for battle ships and other death-dealing devil- j ment. Pay these fellows fat salaries for doing this, and pat them on the back and say, "Go it, boys! Give us war! Feed us on blood and thunder! Spend our money for guns and battle ships and let us kill and be killed! Great business! Bully fun. Hurrah for war!" And then spin right around on your heel and announce the opening of an International Peace Congress at The Hague or some . place else, and ap point a delegation' of long-coated le gal lights to go there and pound the Jrntojine.. d.uaU. pleading v-fox, peace and disarmament. The Czar of Rus sia was the daddy of, the first peace congress, but when the second meet ing came around . old Czar Nick was engaged in war with Japan and was too busy to attend the peace meeting. And such is life. While your peace congress is over there whooping it up for peace, your war congress , is over ' here tearing its shirt for war. One raises money for a. peace palace, and the other digs up the dough for a few more Dreadnaughts, and It's nip and tuck to see which can talk the biggest, spend the most money and get the least done. v . ',. And the flying-machine ! Bless your blooming soul, the first thing after learning to fly a little, they be gan to speculate about how useful the thing would be in war. If the airship can't b.e used to commit wholesale murder in the name of war it must be i pronounced a failure. That's what they would have us believe. It's a great bloody calamity when one lone daredevil gets his headlight telescop ed in trying to do the turkey-buzzard stunt across the eternal Alps, but if the thing can be used to swipe out whole armies or-cities in the twinkle of a sheep's tail that will be the stuff, Koxie. In that beautiful and wicked city of Washington, where . more hell happens in a minute than in hell itself, we have a great JPeace Palace standing right clab In the shadow of a - still' greater War Palace, and the flutter of the Dove's wings is drowned in the rattle of the guns. Wavo an olive branch and yell "Peace!" till the rafters of heaven ring, but keep your gun loaded. . It is stated on good authority' that 17 multi-millionaires own, , and "con trol this country. 'Neither the Pres ident nor- Congress would dare to do anything against the wishes of these 17 men. And yet there are some peo ple foolish, enough to call this a free 'country. Oh, the dickens! Time was when you could distin guish the difference between a church member and a sinner by their daily walk and conduct, but you can't do it any morel ' Sister Church has taken the arm of Brother World, and they go galloping around -together like two young fools at a country dance. They galavant up to the house of God together, and therje they sit snuggled up in the amen corner looking as innocent as two pet rab bits. A stranger would- be sure to think that the angelic pin-feathers were sprouting out ! behind 'their shoulder blades. While the poor old preacher is working for,' dear life at the handle of the old gospel pump, the Church and the World sit there with their, mouths open like a gang of young cat-birds, looking as sancti fied as ; an angel's grandmother, ; But as -soon as the benediction ;is pro- SNUFF-DIPPING GIRLS. Look here, you little old ignorant, backwoodsy, snuff dipping goslings, I'm talking to you now. I know how you slip out behind the house and smear your mouths with that infernal old nasty stuff. Gee whizz! You must have a dog's stomach. A snuff dip per's mouth reminds me of the back door of a tanyard If you have seen other . fool 'girls swabbing their tattle traps with a solution of snuff rand slobber, I can't imagine what you . : saw about it worthy of imitation. The habit is so nasty and repulsive that ' 'any decent girl ought to be ashamed of it, and no respectable young man wants a sweetheart with a bale of snuff leaked in each corner of her mouth. , ' " " . v You wouldn't dare let your mammy catch you dipping snuff, and you are fools enough to think she will never , know. But that's where "you are mis taken. Any mammy with sense enough to grabble taters or feed' the nounced. these two inseparable com panions; the-Ghurch-and-the--Worldrfpig will- notbe-long-bouttSutching" go hiking off to the devil's stomping ground, where the gossips and the toughs congregate, : and there they al-J most rupture their leather lungs try ing to see who can reel off the biggest and nastiest yarns. Some people seem to have an idea that religion is a thing that they can put on and off with their Sunday coat that they can be a saint in the church house and a devil everywhere else. But they can't .cram that sort of doctrine down old Saint Peter's wind-pipe. When these double-faced hypocrites get to the Golden Gate and try to slip through on the sly, old man Peter will grab a chair-post and frail the devil out of them. There's no seventeen ways about it, a man simply can't serve God and the Devil at the same time, neither can he serve God one day and the Devil the next He must choose one side or the other, and then stick to it like a puppy to a root. The professed Christian who tries to stand in with the world by doing as the world does, will discover soon- er or later mat ne never uiu nave religion enough to save the soul of a chicken-louse. , I like to see a man show his colors by getting down in the dust with his new pants on to lead in prayer. And it's all right for him to bellow "A men!" every minute during the ser mon if he wants to. All that looks good to me. But when I see the same sanctified sniper jack set him self up as the ring-leader of a gang of neighborhood rowdies, cracking coarse jokes and spinning vulgar yhrns - for , the amusement - of said - rowdies, I feel that somebody ought to get busy with a blacksnake whip or a two-handed paddle with holesin it. . ., up with you. And when she does find it out, if she. is themammy she ought to be, she will remove ? every thing but, your hide, and " then get a peachtree limb and proceed to ?. re move about half of that. PROVERBS REVISED. We American hypocrites send ship loads of ; Bibles ' to the heathen...Chir nese, and they make them into fire crackers and send them back for us to celebrate the birth of Christ with. 1 The proverbs of Pearson, the ed itor of The Fool-Killer. 2 My son, hear the instructions of this paper, and forsake not the advice . of its editor. 3 The editor by wisdom r hath founded The Fool-Killer, V and by un- , derstanding hath built up its circula- tion. 4 The .fear of the Lord is. the be ginning of wisdom, but the reading of The Fool-Killer is funny. 5 A wise man readeth and handeth to his neighbor, and a man of under standing getteth up a big club. 6 Blessed is the man that sayeth unto his" neighbor, "Look here! This is a good paper. Don't you want to subscribe?" , 7 And -why wilt thou be cheated a strange paper, and pay thy::' rc to a stranger? . 8 Say not to the club-raiser, "Go, and come again tomorrow; and L will subscribe," when thou hast the money in thy pocket. 9 A funny paper ' maketh a glad ; subscriber; but a foolish paper is a heaviness to the reader. . 10 The fining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, but The FooIt , Killer killeththe fools. 11 As vinegar to the teeth, and as smoke to the eyes, so is The Fool Killer to the rascals and hypocrites. 12 : The fool wanteth his paper sent on time, but the wise man payeth in advance.- . . t 13 , Commit thy nickels and. dimes . to my pocketbook, and thy subscript : tions shall be recorded.- 14. Whosoever subscribeth to The-: Fool-Killer showeth wisdom, and he., that gettetfr subscribers is wise.
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
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Nov. 1, 1911, edition 1
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