VOL. III.
ft
MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, JUNE, 1912.
NO. 4.
A MATRIMONIAL AD.
In advertisings for a wife, , -I
take this simple plan,
Thinking that I will be in time
To reach the reading clan.
She must be six or seventeen,
A brunette or a blonde,
Ab sweet as water-lilies
That grow upon the pond.
Her height must not be under
Two cubits and a span;
Must have strong inclination
To love an honest man. . .
I want her to be handy
' At cooking, ' and such" tHngs
And wear a sweet, .melodious
voice . -
Like bu.ll-frogs when she sings.
Milk, churn and wash the dishes,
Cook pies and biscuit bread;
Clean house up stairs and down,
And not kick much in bed.
She must patch my over-alls, '
And make nice, neat stitches,
And above all, I emphasize,' ', -She
must not wear the breeches.
LONESOME BACHELOR;
AN HONORLESS CAUSE.
Yes, I know they call me an ex
tremist on the likker question,
but that don't cool me down nary
bit. It's a dbggon hard matter to
be extreme when you are fight
ing likker, for it is the worst en
emy to progress that any nation
ever had to contend with. - ,.
I am teeth and toe-nails against
likker, and I don't care three
whoops in Hepsidam who knows
it. It is an evil entirely uncalled
for, born in the hearts of wicked
men aud nourished on the blood
of the innocent. It is sold for gain
and drunk for the want of sense,
and the man who sells it is guilty
of murder.:,:, i, vl:..;, ) k-.s:'-;'"
No fair-minded man, can justly
defend the likker, business with
its record of shame and crime,
and with absolutely nothing of
worth to its credit.
POLITICAL FORNICATION.!
These United Trusts of Amer
ica are as full of Protestani
preachers as a dog is of fleas, but
when it came to selecting a sros-i
pel horn to toot -holy" grace over
me opening ot the Kepublican
JNational Convention at Chicago,
old Paunchus Bill had to pucker
up his mouth like the nose end of I
a meal sack and recommend the
appointment of an ;old, bald-head
ed and pot-gutted Roman Catholic
priest wearing a Woman's night
gown for breeches and a two-story
collar buttoned up the-baek.r--
Now what in the devil does that
mean? Of course the drotted" old
convention needs praying for if
prayer would do it any good, but
I expect an application of hot
water and soap would be more
effective. But if they were just
dead bent on having somebody to
grab hold of heaven's whiskers
andLmake the pray come, why
must they snub all Protestant
preachers and hand over the
heavenly corkscrew to a darned
old Catholic priest? - Why show
so infernal much partiality toward
a diabolical bastard system that
is busting its belly-band every
day to take from us , what few
liberties we have left? That is
the , mission of Romanism in A
merica today, and there is no use
to deny it. Over yonder on his
gilded throne of superstition and
ignorance reigns the old Pope,
and between grunts of .gout and
roars' of rheumatism, he iasend
ing'out his orders ior the capture
ofAmerica. His purple-petticoat-ed
Jboot-lickers over here have
openly boasted that they are near
ly ready to take possession of this
nation in the name of '. the Pope.
Andjsarn-take my skin '. if they
ain't just about got it already.
They've got the Vice President;
the Chief J ustice of the Supreme
Court, a great- number, of Sena
tors and Representatives, :: and
just the same as got our present
sorry excuSe of a President. I
know Fatty Biirdenies. being un
duly partial to the Catholics, but
actions speak a blamed . sight
louder than words. Old Fatty is
fishing for the Catholic vote, and
Jie knows that the old gouty pope
pan deliver it solid to whomsoev
er he chooses. That's why Fatty
Bill prefers a Romish ram to bleat
blasphemy over the blossom end
)f the National Rucus. It's a
olain case of brazen adultery be
ween Big - Smile and the great
Ecclesiastical whore 4 'that sitteth
upon many waters'; and "reign-
(See Revelation 17:1-18.) ;
She Took It Off.
A little girl aged three had been
left in, the nursery by herself, and
her brother arrived to find the door
closed. '
"I wants to turn in, SissieJ' said
Tom. ;
But you tan't turn in, Tom."
"But I wants to." ;
"Well, I's in my nightie-gown,
an? nurse says little boys 'mustn't
see little girls in their nightie-
gowns. 7 - '
After astonished and reflective
silence on Tom?s side of the door,
the miniature Eve announced tri
umphantly: ' 'You tan turn in now;
Ps tooked it off!"
A Very Wise Boy.
A small Kansas -boy was once
called in toMew his new born ba
by brother. He looked it over with
dissatisfaction, and finally asked :
Mir... : v i . . if i ii i - " .
lviama, wnere am mis tning come
from?" "An angel brought it; Jim-
mie. " . 6 ' Wus you a wake, when he
came?" "Certainly, . Jimmie."
Well, then, mama, all that I have
got to say, is that youare dead
easy. I'd like to see any old angel
put off such a looking thing on
me.
5?
. Stiff, broad-brimmedminine
hats cover a multitttde of rats.'
MY VIEWS ON EATING.
Editor Fool-Killer, :
Dear Sir: Without wishing tox
find fault with you may I suggest that
there is one subject on which you
have thus far been silent; That is the
subject of eating, and it is one on ;
which there is a great difference of
opinion . Will you please say some- " , '
thing about it in The Fool-Killer and
thus settle, the matter once for all? i
- , L. W. MOON,
Duluth, Minn. - - ,
My dear Brother Moon: Allow
me to say that I heartily -believe -in
eatmg. Homer, Shakespeare,. "
Milt6n, Nero, Alexander, ", Napol- ,
rijrpnawdlWashittktonVLiri--
coln, Rockefeller, Roosevelt and
all the big lights of history were
eaters. I myself eat every day.
Could Leander have swum the ,
Hellespont or Horatius the Tiber 7
if they had - not been' eaters?
Could Webster have writterTthat
great story, ' 'The Underbreeches
Dictionary, if .he had not been
under the stimulating influence
of hog and hominy? Could -Don
Quixote have 'written "Uncle
Tom's Cabin'V or Plutarch his :
'Life and Blunders of President
Taft" if they had not been eat-.
ers? " . . , , ' S
Yes, indeed, gentlemen, I want
you to get this matter straight.
I want my readers to fully under
stand that I am unequivocally in
favor of food, and . I make it a ,
point to eat something at' least '
twice a day three times a day. '
if I can get it. '
Dr. Helen Kellosrcr advises her
sister wimmen. to cultivate big
feet. She points out that a huge
walking apparatus is somehow
connected with a massive intel
lect. But shucks! What does the :
average society woman care for
brains or intellect? She'd much
rather hop around in her dainty
number twos, with her feet pinch
ed up till theyjook like a cucum
ber in a bottleand feel like a rat
under a dead-fall.
Read this paper and pass-it on.