September, 1912
The Candidate.
THE FOOL-KILLER
With a jng of corn likker, v
And a tongue even slicker ? 7
Than ever was known in the earlier
days, ..." 1
He starts out to travel; . , ,
And paw up the gravel,
And raise merry hell in a number of
ways.
He stops at a city,"
And oh, what a pity !
He goes in a house and proceedeth to
speak; x
He speaks till the winders
Are broke all to flinders,
And the old shingles rattle for nearly
a week.
A few, solid voters,
And all of the floaters
The riff-raff of every political' craft
Come crowding and pressing, Y
Their sins alT confessing, -
And asking a slice of his jucieet graft.
The world's full of trouble, .
And te is a bubble .,'
That floats on the crest of an ocean of
But my greatest objection
At every election
Iti the chronic spell-binder a-workin'
his chin.
J. L. P.
ItlD
R
test-
THE ARSENAL OF DOUBT.
hi c:
ubs of
Five
15c a . Year.
The price of single subscriptions to The Fool-Killer .is 25 cents a year,
but if you will get several of your, friends to go in with you and send in a
club of five or more at one time, you can all get the paper at 15 cents a
year. The Pool-Killer is? creating great excitement wherever it is intro
duced, and if now goes into every State in the Union. Join the army of.
club-raisers. Do it now. Address r -, ?
THE FOOL-KILLER, MORAVIAN FALLS, ff. C.
UNCLE BEN.
A Sermon on Gals.
When We Don't See Alike.
My first duty as an editor is to
be true to my own honest convic
tions, and wherever they lead me
I must follow. ; ' If I believe a
thing to-day, and to-morrow be
come convinced that I was mis
taken, I am just fool enough to
admit my error and. try to get
right. That's me. Prejudice is a
mighty poor foundation for any
body to stand on.
I ain't expecting The Fool-
Killer to please everybody that
leads it. My business is to knock
things right and left, and I am
the aptest in the world to biff
you one on the busser if you get
in my way. People don't always
subscribe for this thing just to
get pleased, nohow: They sub
scribe to see what in the tarnal
mischief old Pearson is going to
say next.
Say, pardner, answer me this:
Ain't you got more respect for
the man who honestly disagrees
vrith you and tells you so than
yeu have for the little old whining
whimperdink who agrees with
everything and aih'f got no more
c on victions than a toad-frog ?
Sure you have.
Then give me your 'tater-grab-
bler on this proposition, and the
next time The Fool-Killer hap
pens to tread on your sore toe,
just smile like a Mormon preacher
and say to' yourself, '."Well, that's
all all the sense old Pearson's got,
but he is honest in it and so just
lot him rip!"
A man will turn his v cuffs to
save 3 cents on his laundry bill,
and celebrate his economy by
smoking a 15 cent cigar.
Once upon a time there was a
feller named Ben Franklin. Ben
jamin was the tail-end- of a pro-
cession of seventeen Franklin off
springs. His first wise act was
to choose Boston for his birth
place. ",-"'V.:J':
During of Ben's kidhood days
he engaged in the greasy and in
teresting Occupation of furnish
ing taller candles to the people
of Boston. As that was way back
in the dark ages, and being as
there was no Sherman law then,
Ben done a good business and
soon saved up enough kail-seed
to allow him to retire from the
candle buisness and "accept a
position" as printer's devil. But
Boston printers hardly ever raise
the devil, and as our hero thought
he deserved a promotion, he
packed up his little bag and Dag-
gage arid beat his way on a freight
train as far as Philidelphy.
Benjamin made his first big hit
in the Quaker City by waltzing
up Main street with two loaves
in his mouth and one under his
arm.
After working around at sev
eral different printshops, Ben de
cided to go into the almanac bus
iness. He made good at that too.
Une day wnen there was a
thunderstorm and Ben having
took on to much budge, got out a
kite and started flying it As a
result he was struck by a small
portion of lightning and an idea
that was as bright as the light
ning. Beimy turned the lightning
loose, but kept the idea and pass
ed it along to a few of his friends.
They thought it a good idea,
which proved to be correct!
He left a number of - copies of
his autobiography, a book that is
full of good old advice, but it has
been used so doggone little that
it is most as good as new.
Thomas A. Edison, the great
electrical wizard, says that 'the
day is coming when machine
will be so perfected by f invention
that practically all the work of the
world will be, done by pressing an
electric button, without employ
ing much labor. When - that day
comes the people must collectively
own that button or individually!
starve to 'death. .
We often hear some of our old
folks say. "The' gals ain't nothin
1:1, ii. . ; ,
jme w nax i iney . was wnen 1 was
young." Well, no they ain't. They a :o
-i - , i . aiiu x urn wi ico i
Why is it that you see every
where opulent wealth on one
hand and abject poverty on the
other? .
Why is it that though the mills
and elevators are bursting with
grain, the groceries and markets
full of meats, fruits and Vege
tables, thousands of our people
are but half fed? .
Why are the clothing s tores
piled to the ceiling: with clothing,
yet thousands are but half
clothed?
Why do we always have an
army of unemployed, with two
million children working in mills
have changed a whole lot .But Why do 75 per cent of our peo
they am't the same gals nohow ple pay' rent when five sixths of
,Upunof few days agoafe er land is idle and unoccupied? - :.
who had. been sentenced to life my j0 weiVeach against tax
unpnsonment was pardoned. He ation.without representation, and
bad been in a cell, cutoff from rt,ci,nTOi -wn.i .ff,?
the world, for thirty years and had Why do we pretend to love and
seeniany . cnanges tnat naa respect our women, and then
uuuu buii wiuc. j. n CQ them with wminalc . iriisvl-e
newspaper man asked him what an(j aliens?
he thoubt had changed most Tf tboftvpracrp rvrVAr nrnHn
Well, said he, everything has $3,000 of wealth per ' annum and
changed mighty, but I reckon gals receives back $600 in wages, what
has changed 'more than anything becomes of the other $2,400?
else. Thirty years ago a gal wore men the protected interests
a hoop-skirt as big around as a in this country pay sixteen mill
hogshead, but now they wear a ion dollars into a campaign fund
dress that looks like one leg of a for one Grand Old Party, and then
dude's britches and their figure is sixteen million more into a cam
flat and oblong like a .pencil-case, paign fund for the other G. O. P.,
The way the gals have" changed do they know beforehand' just
surprised me a lot more than auto- about what they are goirig to get
mobiles and airships.'' . t - in return, or is it a mere matter
Hanged if they ain't changed, of patriotism? r
; Nowadays when a little gal finds Why should a class oi people
she has a sweet, purty voice she whose interests are identical vote
wants to light out to some city to against each other? T ,
go on the stage and feels disap- Why do we always fight effects,
p'inted if she can't git to go. But and apparently forget that there
she hadn't oughter be. She can be
a song-bird in the home nest. V
Many a purty gal thinks jist be
cause she is good-lookin' she ain't
made for nothin - but to look at.
She will set herself iu every win- There is a feller in the Univer
dow, on every street corner, hang sity of Missouri who is either a
around the depot, and set in the monkey or a fool. Here is the
most conspicuous place in church, complete story: a
so as to show herself. She keeps on Dr. E. T. Bell, of the Univer
actin' and believin' that way till she sity Medical Department, claims
soon gits so she ain't good for to have discovered among all the
nothin' else. Ai)d by 'the time she students of the school just one
gits to be a middle-aged woman poor fellow who positively de
she is the weakest and sickenin'est scended from a monkey. Doc has
of human beings a faded beauty, found a bump on the student's ear
I feller can neaHyaHus find a which he says is a never-failing
gal who 'can 'play.ajpianner, : sing sign.
or dance, or paint picters to amuse Shucks, Doc, that might have
him, but the pore cuss often goes been a 'skeeter bite, for all 'you
a-beggin' for a wife who can sew know. ' " ' '
on buttons, patch his britches when , Bn student thus accused
the gablend of them gits rag- , , . , , ,
gedy, or cook his feed with econ- of bem a monkey's grandson
omy and flavor it to suit his taste, don't cause a two-handed club to
' ' y:"r ' m ''iT ' ' ;. descend onto the head of that prb-
V A man's stomach is ' sorter fessor, dogged if I won't begin to
round-like, and yet nothing fits it believe he is guilty of the charge.
so well as a square meal. Ain't m ' 1 . ;" " -
thatfunny : . : ' ,s - Send in that club, quick!
never was an enect witnoux
cause? . ': - :'.
A Monkey Or A Fool.