THE FOOL-KILLER
The Jaw-Bone of An Ass:
Once in a far-off country,
So I've heard the old folks say, '
There lived a man named Sampson,
Unforgotten to this day.
And Sampson loved a maiden
Delilah was the lass
And Sampson slaughtered thousands
N With the jaw-bone of an ass.
Now Sampson tore up lions,
And lugged off city gates,
And Sampson tore down temples
So history relates.
And Sampson was the strongest man
That ever trod .the grass ;
That's why he killed his thoudands
With the jaw-bone of an ass.
Bui all this happened years ago,
And the world moves on apace,
And the big-mouthed politician
Has taken Sampson's place.
Ha ain't' so strong as Sampson was,
x But he's in the Sampson class
Because he tries to kill us all
With the jaw-bone of an ass.
- v:.'; 3. L. P.
LOVE AND TOBACCO.
By Robert Quillen
This paper has never, to its
knowledge, criven ahv one5 license
to believe that it would or could
run a::AQestions 'andAhswers,j
department, '' but oh the other
hand it has never attempted to
shirk responsibility, and it will
not do so ftbw:
J A young lady, unknown to the
editor. 1 has sent iri the f ollbwiner
touching appeal:
' ''DeEditbr: I am engagedtb
a very nice young man who chews
tobacco; T love him, 1 butf he won't
quit chewing and I hate the
taste of it. Would you advise me
to marry him anyway, or not?"
This is a very serious ; affair.
Most decidedly I would NOT; ad-
viijc ,yuu iu intuij linn, j-'ut tiici -
more I can heartily, second your
antinathv to tha taste of second
hand Brown's mule.
Many otherwise perfectly good
Ibve affairs have been snuffed out
by tobacco.
There was nnrp a.vnnncr man
named Carl who chewed tobacco
and loved a young lady both
very hard and both at the same
time. He used to court her with
. htranmnATfm " s o . y
V f 51. v ff ii VfiiA H J 1; vUCOIllNf
of histface, . and talk out of the
other side. While honeyed words
dripped from one corner of his
- mouth good 'rich essence of- to-
rbacco leaf dripped from the other
corner. The more ardent the
young rfellowf became, the more
enthusiastically he chewed,- and
when he got wound up on his:pror
i posal he shed -juice like - a Asprin-
kling-cart: K -t : -
'Nevertheless, -the girl accepted
huTqhawfan(i all, for, better or
, f ororemand probably. would
i -hpfti married him, if it hadn't been
Itifeppnedfthii rWay. f It - was
cummer tine, and the young
folks sat in the parlor, close to
window. Pa'leaBed bacfciii a chair
against a tree outside, ' 0 listening
to their yumyumming... It was a
very dark riightrand neither the,
girl nor Carl knew that Pa was
on the job.
Carl was repeating, for the
seven-hundredth time that even
ing, that he loved her like a muley
cow loves salt, and with each
word he chomped down on his
quid. Before he had finished his
first sentence his mouth was runf
ning over and he leaned his head
back to hold the tide. Still he
talked on, his - words coming
rather splashy and thick.: His
mouth was open and he had quit
trying to chew. He was nearly
drowned when at length the little
bratioin was" finished and' with a
deep) lbtigdawn sigh of relief he
turned his 'flooded j a w toward
e window, puckered7 up and J
let'erfly. -
Pa had been working hard that
day and he was sleepy: It was
past his bedtime, anyway.' Exact
ly at the same time Carr loosed
that flood 'from out his face; Pa
turned toward the window, shut
his eyes, stretched out his arms,
and yawned;
Of course it wasn't Carl's
fault, and the bid man had no
business there anyway, especially
with his mouth openl But it gbes
to show that trouble will follow a
There was another case of a
young man who told his sweet
heart's youngest brother f that
tobacco chewing would make
whiskers growon his face. The
boy tried, but swallowed the juice.
It made hair grow on the inside
of his stomach and after it got
long and curly it tickled him to
death. Just before he died a
young doctor was called in, and
he made the boy swallow a safety
razor, but it was too late then.
Three Fools Heard From.
so
It seems that there am t
awful many infidels in the Social
ist movement, after all. At least;
if they are there,- they are learn
ing to' keep their lip out of The
Fool-Killer-s'businessr I did some
pfetty straight talking along that
linejn my - August : issuei and I
fully expected to! get a general
and'eoncerted "cussing chit' i rpm
the wild menthe agnostics and
dnfidels-of 'thepartyrNow how
many - kicks' " do you reckon : I
gpt?- About threes I think. And
two of tfoem came from men (I
reckon thyfpass for men) who
evidently? don' t knowD enough to
keep.outofc the. fire without b&
ing tied ! to. the .bed-posi" They
pu me, in, smind of a blind
uuiuuieue trying, 10 iiy, mrougn
a gfass window. trJust KfiW: arid
flutter, splurge ' and" sputter, sis
t)OGS. , DOGS; DOGS!
; Byi RAy; L, Barlow.
toa Angeles, Calif ..-r Mrs. J,M.
Heiiidoii a wealthy ;Pasadena jwo
inan, went to Venice to-day ;in : her
largest touring car, drove to the dog
pound and told the keeper to lead out
all the canines confined there and
she would give them a joy-ride. As
the invitation also included himself,
Poundmaster Jeager was not long in
getting out the animals r-about fifteen
curs of all descriptions. They jumped
all over the ' automobile and Mrs.
Herndon, but she seemed to enjoy it
and directed the chaufferto speed up
and the run began. JT. Y. World.
Now by Gees! By the great
horned toad's wigglin' tail! 1 But
don't that beatche? It's enough to
beat J everything ta a f razzel;rthat
is everything except dogs. I I've'
hearn of these 'ere wimmen. folks
that loves poodles ' betteren any
thing on. this whole earth but) it
smslthaVall-'dogs "Ibpk-alike'-to:
Mrs.4 Herndon; ' - .r';: i: : :i ;
F1K betche' that Mtsj tHerndon
never in all- her lifeliook that old
buzz wagon 'of hern arounot? and
picked up ! little children at' the
orphanage and carried- V them- a
round on joyrides, and I sorter
guess you will not bet your old
buck-skin purse and contents that
she ever has, if you did you'd be
a; goner. ,; ; " ; j
Mrs. Herndon would not enjoy
having a car full of children ak she
enjoyed that car full of ' nasty,
stinkin' curs; No sir-ee she must
have a pack of dogs a yelpin't all
around -her!. '. '. "
? It is- a shame to v any civilized
country where they take dogs out
joyrides, and leave little children
hungry i starving,5 lame and blind
crowded in the dirty v tenements
without joy or pleasure". But such
is the condition the swell society
of this country is wallowing in to
day By Geeminy, tho! Just think
about it, will you fifteen jump
ing, scrambling, yelping dogs in
one car. Wasn't that a canine col
lection, tho? Wouldn't it have
made you puke, honey? I kinder
think it would have made me vom
it to beat an old mammy hen
scratchin' for" worms for the bid
dies. 'r 'S''-
Prayer .and Politics.
Oh Mister South Carliny,
Who's, got your candy, now?
And doa' t you. beatv the dickena
At votin anyhow? ;
You prayed to beat the devil -'
That wickedness should cease ;
And then you went, bjrgraiiny,
' j And cast your vote fdn Blease.' . j
If you ain't learned your lesson,
-1 hoe you" wiU some day ;
Next time you: pray for something,
; ;. Go vote the -way you pray.
; ' , ; : j. u p.
all they can do. It wouldebsmusi Howdy, Simoniexou ub-
Theool-Killeryet?
s.
September, 1912
Come Ahead, Bro. Hale.
Dear Bro. Pearson:
v ; I received your Fool-Killer last
Saturday and read it through iQ
the first half hour, and' then read
it oyer. again after dinner just for
a diges(r . Say, brother, but I'll
be tetotally hqrnswoggled if The
Fool-Killer ain't the dingbustedest
f lamdoodlest red pepper I've tried
to swallow for a long time. I am
sending you another quarter and
I want you to send me another
copy. I want one to keep to read
when I get the blues, and the other
to give away. I will likely send
for more soon. It's good for you
when you don't know;; what's the
matter with you and X know lots
of peoplo v?hO' are ? troubled with
that .complaint now. v
I am going- South just as soon
as l can sell what r have here, and
may stumble into your sanctum.
Who khowsM ain tired, and, com
pletely tdisgusted iwith this com
petitive hell in the . commercial
world, and am just aching to get on
a little farm down in Dixie some
where1 'where I' can sit under my
own vine and fig tree, dig my own
taters and quit living out of paper
bags and tin bans. So1 send The
Fool-Killer 'along. It may be the
means of finding us a home among
your people one of these fine days.
Tours 'for a better.' time . coming,
tacey Wash.
Did you ever notice how quick
a rich .man g$ts poor when he
dies Xi Xilfc.; about ;' 'dyin' a pau
per!'' I'd like fojr spmbbdy to tell
me of any. one who did not die a
pauper. '
Whenever I get so near out of
business that I Jiave to go around
tattling about my neighbors,
hang-taked if I won't hike out to
Africa and sell patent calf tracks
to the sons of Ham.
'. - -r '
A correspondent wants to know
why so many, thieves live in cities.
Lawzy massy, mister, that's easy!
So many folk there doin' nothin'
that they just got to steal or per
ish to death. : u'; ):;
Wjtnijf
ment, wliicTlpst las
terLcjmthandie Circulation of
,O0Q easy enbugh go fall inline,
boys, and lielp me cover the earth
witbFooUKillers:v
I believe; in independence in all
things; V Worships at . any : church
you please, vote as you - please,
court as you please. If the girl
and old man don't object, you
have the righ ts to: go. baref ooted if
you hive.Vno shoes. . If you have
no , comm on sense of you r own,
there is hVjawto cornpel ypu to
use the stuff.' " f