Newspapers / The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, … / Oct. 1, 1912, edition 1 / Page 1
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VOL. III. MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, OCTOBER, 1912 NO. 8. GOIN' AWAY. Hain't Never Done Nothin'. I'mgoin1 away on the evenin' train- Goin' to be gone for a right smart spell; - -Looks sorter cloudy an' looks like rain Guess I better take my umberell. Wind's from the north an' it may turn cold, An' I've got a ticklin' in my throat; Wouldn't get sick foa bag of gold Guess I better take my overcoat. When I get out to Sam's an Jane's I know their table will be a treat; But there ain't no certainty in them trains ' Guess I better take me a snack to eat. N. Always get dirty on that-thar ride, ThoughT'cah't telFas it ever hurts; But just for the sake of a little pride, Guess I better take me a change of shirts. That terrible sad and weepy publication known as "Life," which tries so devilish hard to be funny, has presented the follow ing list of negations.as evidence that Woodpile Wilson would make an acceptable president: He is not a lawyer. He has no war record. He does not care for hunting bears or other wild creatures. He has never been a judge and does not ooast of a judicial temperament.. He has not spent his life holding: political office. ,iie does not come into prominence on account .of either the death or the fayor of his predecessor, t Aljj)t31uqu me. isiow why m the thunder wouldn't I do? , Not Worth The Price. Might get asked to a brilliant ball Where I could dance with a painted beaut. T J r xr ittVi ci if T Tiro cs 4- -) XTo vi nr i oil Guess I better take my evenln' suit. If I'm goin' out for a high old time If I'm eoinsr to eo the pace that kills - I just won't look at a measley dime Guess I better take me a roll of bills. . Might meet up with a robber band, As wealthy travellers often do ; An' so? in order to stand my hand, Guess I better take my forty-two. Say, this old suit-case ain't no good 'Tain't goin' to hold all this-here iunk: " ' I A 1 . 1 Done crammed in install! o.onld A Certain paper WhlCh IS a Guess I better take my biggest bf an-new convert to Bullmoose- trunk- ism is powerful tickled at the I'd hate like thunder to get most there prospect of having Roosevelt to An' then think of somethin' that I'd forgot; ho, m order to keep my business square, Guess I better take my house an' lot. ' . K. Lamity's Harpoon preaches a whole sermon in the following paragraph: "It costs the public ten hundred thousand dollars to manufacture a millionaire, and as a rule he isn't worth a dam to the country after it gets him." Now if I was a cussin' man I would say it just that way. But as I don't cuss, you may just take K. Lamity's word for it. A POLITICAL LOVE AFFAIR. I am said to be the handsomest and most nonular man in thp Teddy Boy Speaks: country And Fll swpar vnn arp Oh dear Miss Peepul, me uv the prettiest girl I ever saw, so oo harder'n a mule can kick. Me what's to hinder us from getting uv oo ten sousand bushels. Goo, up a case? CanI sit down here? goo, goo! Does oo uv oo's Teddy That's a good girl. , Can I put mv Boy? Oh, honey, me des willin' to arm around you? Oh, you sweet die for oo, me" uv oo so dood. thing! Doggon'd if I ain't heels Ugh! By George! Me see some old over, head in love with ou a mean mans a-comin' to spark me' s ready! Do you love me, sweet-honey-bunch. -Now, honey, oo des ness? Then kiss me. Yum-yum! huddle up here to me. Don't oo Smack-smack! Um-m-m-m-m!" div dem old mean mans nary tiss. . Teddy Boy : "Say, you con Don't oo let 'em hold dem tweet founded imposters, gitaway.from hands, nuvver. Nobody .ain't dot here. This is my gal.'' no wight to oo onlys, Teddy Billy the Fat;-You're an in Boy. Am'tdat wight? Yum-yum! f "Qn:OY. -r - , WU1HVU 111 11 111 111. I TfT 1 llTr 1111 I x.ii wooay: i ou are ootn Diamea Billy the Fat Speaks: liars-she belongs to me. Hike "Law, law, Miss Peepul, who out, ' both of you, and let us a- is tnis you are spooning witn r i lone. , r : say, Big Tooth, you hike out of Teddy Boy:-"Hay-ah! Hay- here. Just tote your freight, now. ah! Dad-gum! Liar! Hypocrite! This is my gal. We have been MoIIvpoHHIp! Pnlprat! Son-of-a- sweethearts for years. I love her, gUn! She's my gal, I tell ye-I and she loves me, and I ain't go- love her the best!" : ing to be cut out by no such a p:iiv fha .-'"T'f n looking thing as you. Now git! vnn aalp-Pvprl' nnV-T Ihva Uurnmgto Miss reepuij: lum i.ep -tne best " here, honey, and tiss oo s old fat Great is "Property!" Amen! Aw, plague the luck! I'll just declare It's too much trouble to run about, An' I ain't got the time to 'stand between wild Socialism and the property interests of this country. " Why, uv ;y course. I l T- J i i . . '"' rroperty interests" are very sacred things in this country, but mere "human interests" are hot spare- WOrth talking about. Say, fellers, I'll tell ve we7 ve all made a Guess I better give my journey out. devil 0f a mistake in being torn J IiAkkln aksoh. humans. If we want the govern ment's protection" we must get A man and his wife are con- transformed into some kind of wderedone, but they often have "property." Which would you ig fusses about which one of rather be. a sawmill or a net nicr. I . - r - x l ' ' them it is. arailroadoraiackass? boy. Oh, darling, me's uv for oo am des too deep for words. Me tan't desquibe it, honey, but, oh, me des feels all over meself . Does oo feel dat-a-way, too, honey? Me Woody :- "Ho, darn it! , Golly whoop! Git out, you blankety blank grandsons of Ananias! She is mine I love her the best!". All Three at Once:-"Yow-' teach old Big Toof how to steal yow-gitconfound- love - liar. me honey-gal. Dat me will! Now div oo's big boy anuvver tiss. Yum-yum! Smack-smack! Um-m-m-m-m!" ' !;. Woody Wilson Speaks : Gee-whiz! I. see two fellers my oh! ouch! love gal- biff ! thump! sprawl! oh! hel-hel-hel-help!" A New Wrinkle On His Horn. It was the first automobile he yanderwith agirl. Anddoggoned had ever seen, and he yanked if I don't believe it's that beauti- his team aside as it passed, close ful Miss Peepul. Shore's I'm born ly followed by a motorcycle. "I it-is. iid that's old Big Tooth hearn lots about them things," and BigSmile trying to make he yelled, 'but consarn my skin love to her. The old self -conceited if I ever hearn they had colts fools! Firfix their clock see if I before." don't. I'll have 'em to' know that . I - m m I'm some lady-killer mysett. The reason doctors noia con (Woody approaches and speaks sultations" with each other is be to Miss Peepul) i Good-morning, cause one doctor can often thinly Miss Peepul! Allow me to intro- of something to operate for which -duce myself. My name is Wilson, hasn't occurred to the other. Pass this paper around till it is worn out, and then send for another copy. Help me introduce it into every home in America. 1
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
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Oct. 1, 1912, edition 1
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