Ifcse Four
THE FOOL-KILLER
January, 1913.
SWEET-SCENTED SUCKER-BAIT.
ness ana tnen imocK the verv MIS I KK TKA1JN CALiL.UK. A IKUSlDJi; TALiH.
devil out of it.
Maybe Mister Tommie can Say, honey, was you ever in Friends, Comrades, Brothers:
Well, well, well! I'll just be make some folks think he is sin- the waiting room of a big city On each of my monthly visits
literally flabbergasted and eter- cere and honest in this matter and depot? And did you notice the to your fireside I always want to
nally horns woggled! If there ain't that ne rea,ly wants to Putthe feller that comes m every few nave a nttie private persona
roc eternal kabosh on stock gambling, minutes and makes a pretense of talk with you before I leave. It
someofthe doggondest varmints , , , . . , ... . , . . , , . - v . , h(lr,a na fn Wtpr liai-ntPi
calling me tramo : xiiajuis, uc "wfu -u
but mv throat is not built rio-ht
going loose that I ever hearn tell f or thatyarn to go down me. It
cf. T'other day I happen to be just hanga against my Adam's
nuzzling around through a copy
of Everybody's Magazine, and I
found where Tom Lawson had
piled up leaves and made a bed
for some of his literary offsprings
to kick around in. '
Now, children, lemme tell you
sump'm. That-thar Lawson feller
my
Apple and refuses
an inch.
Shucks in August! It will be
t i i i n j 1 nm1 4-Vr4- - 4-i -i 1 1 it vio1to no-
is supposed to oe tening tne uawiauj ioco
crowd what train is getting ready better friends, you know.
to budge to start so they can grab their Some of you have been read-
bundles and crawl on. ing my sassy talk and tomfoolery
But vou might listen all day for two or three years others
late in the day when Tom Lawson and you never could guess what or a shorter period and you all
or anybody else wipes out the the old fool was trying to do. The seem to like it, judging by the
stock exchange with a wad of average person would be apt to way you keep on asking for more,
magazine copy about the size of a think he was a Mexican greaser Well, that suits me exactly
fat man's fist. If Tom had any idea choked on dog-liver and trying wish I had a million subscribers
that his articles would hurt the to rasa the railroad in the instead of 20, ObO. And I'm going:
to have a million, too, first thing
judging by the kind
lie is blowing off.
sin't as big a fool as he makes out , " " , CUBS , WAe
Will SfiDof nnrt era ho nnn H riL.'....
i:u t4. i uv,Wyvi-.vx0, uv "vuiu muege language.
xrorxrW aUp tr. nnmh cVnlU Pay the magazine a big fortune to There he stands with his bay anybody knows,
everybody else are numb-skulls, . , . r , . , , tw.
Of hot wind uuiu cvwj wpj WluuOW SlUCK OUt HKe a UUmpi x judv uccu wuimcimg
nas oeen printed, ah lom wants 0n a tree, and bellers like a bull wnai son oi a critter you-au
l o a liff 1 -mr-mei aIiaht nTrAKfininr 1 1J? 1 X. J? j J i tllirilr T HTM QnvVirtw Clll OCO C3ATa
WW noTnrvl Wo nlil wnrtv o,y x can 1Qst irom us mammy, auuii
Why, coniouna nis oia warty ,,,, . Lf fc w mAniM
lid IWa Via ic nrpfnrlino- that -vt0xVt v . you naa tu ue uung ur uuuer- v.,
iiae, mere ne is prerenaing inai , . , , , . um, . , . , , loo miin. n;MA,in .:4-u
i. v.ntc n i,of s AUI SUVJLCl!)au usiug stana a single wora oi tnat Dei- wuw, wim
itw v v IPM UU C.tr I i - t 1. r cm b fhof nrixino lur anA
xticixiovij uaiii. y , miatoi , l lCTing. I WOUin t give mUCIl lur I va.v vT&uia piuui aiuuuu
are you going to bite? Vnur npck my nead three times and never
,1 could tie a bullfrog to a stick comes oft.
Morgan on the Stand. DOke him in at the window. Sorry, my friends, but you'll
- - ' I m - -
and he could "call trains" a nave to guess again. I am just
Wall Steet stock gamblers, and at
the same time bragging that he is,
j jid has been for years, one of the
biggest gamblers in the bunch.
Why, man alive, you just ought
to hear Tom brag about how he J KerPnt Morgan's testi- blamed sight better than some an ordinary poor country clod-
i j i. mi: ,i muiij' ueiurc iuc uuiumi i tee 111- Tellers l ve nearQ trv IX. wiwi iw Dupwiui laiciite
I vncti rteriTiflr tka vrA-T I Ti J 1 J Jll 1
gambling hole that they call Wall
Street. He knows every crook and
turn of the game and admits that
it is a sin of the devil's own hatch
ing. But while he is engaged in
writing his sensational exposure of
this monster crime, he takes care
to write with one eye on the stock
ticker, and every time there is a
furry in the market Tom jumps
up from his ' Remedy" and rakes
in a million or two of small change
by the same identical gambling
methods that he is pretending to
"expose." Yes, sir, he blabs it
right out and tells you that he is a
rascal and is proud of it, and that
he is going to keep right on be
ing a rascal till everybody else
gets good.
Does that smell fishy to you?
It does to me.
It's too much like the devil
writing sermon on repentance
and baptism with one hand and
chunking up the fires of hell with
the other.
Nobody denies that Tom Law
son is well acquainted with his
subject. He has made and lost
enough fortunes on Wall Street
to make him acquainted with it,
but the thing that hurts my sore
place is this: If Tom has got con-
vestigating the money trust" it seems that thte onlv aualifi- or training, and if you saw me
was certainly a peach. It' went cation the railroads require in a in a crowd you would never pick
something like this: 4 'train caller" is that he must me out for a "funny man," Fact
My name is Morgan. have a voice like dragging a raw- Ps I can't understand how the
I am a poor man. hide over a tin roof, and if he notion ever got started that I
Have to work hard for a living, should happen to speak a word was capable of being funny: My
I have no financial interest in so that anybody could understand face we ars a sad, tired expres-
any bank or railroad, nor any ft, he would lose his job. S10n ano- 1S deeply marked with
other public institution that re- If you don't think I'm telling suffering.
quires money. the truth, vou iust take notice 1 was born in a log cabin and
I am not president nor director the next time you go to a city. Srew up in poverty. Spent my
of anything. And if vou find a train caller in boyhood working on a backwoods
I can't understand how the be- America that you can understand arm and had no school advan-
lief got started that I am rich and onG WOrd out of fif tv. nlease send tages. But I am a graduate of the
me his name and a lock of his hair. University of Hard Knocks, and
am still taking my post-graduate
that I have great power in the
financial affairs of the country.
T j 11 T A 1
i ten you l am awrui poor-
can' t hardly keep decent clothes
aid enough to eat for myself and
family.
I have no power whatever.
There may be a money trust,
but how could you expect a noor
a
man like me to know anything
about it?
HOGWALLOW NEWS.
course. Have been an "under
dog" all my life, and that's how
The Old Miser has been savinff 1 know s? wel1 how to. sympa-
up the potatoes that are stuck on thize with the under dog. I feel
the spout of his coal oil can by the close kinship with the workers of
store keeper and will soon have the world, because I am one of
enough for a meSS. Athem hv birth smH training Q
Cricket Hicks, while going along t hone I will never hprnmp rioh
ii i ir l j. t;j ...I-- x "
ro,aa on aixr u V T enough to forget how it feels to
iaon-1 Know anytnmg aoont io. ntnmnW who took h s w UU1 iaggea, uare-
anytnmg. picture, but no other valuables.
x aixi iucpuuirai, weakest auu Jefferson rotlocks says some
most ignorant man in America. men with theT pr0mises is like a
I'lh swear I'm telling you the lot of fiddlers-they are all the
truth. time tuning up but never play.
Now won't you please let me Luke Mathewsla has bought a
off? I just must hurry back to New pocketbook to keep his money in,
York and see if it's necessary for but now finas himself in as bad fix
verted jind gone to preaching me to run tne Balkan war any Ls e as before, having spent all
against the evils of stock gamh- loner and 1611 -Kockefeller, ys m0ney for the pocketbook.
little
footed boy.
Now, fellers, you know who I
am, where I came from, and
what I am trying to do. As I
have told you in another column,
I am working now to get a large
web press and a linotype machine
so that I can enlarge The Fool
Killer to sixteen pages and print
a million copies each month. This-
new machinery will cost several
ling, why in the devil don't he Carnegie and the rest of the boys Poke ig making the ELSTSSta T' anTwonTy
practice what he preaches? If I what they must do. necessary arrangements for bnild. 0f gSg ?he SjS
thought a business was good
enough for me to engage in, I'll
be drot if I'd go around knocking
it to please somebody else. Or if I
felt that my business needed
knocking, I'd first quit the busi-
President Taft shook 7,000 ing himself a house near where for mv on. 000 present subscrib-
hands on New Year's Day, which the sorghum mill was located. In gQ fa
AAn es. innliirln mmaaa-II.. OTniT in JHT, LIIH. nflUKK IUSL KXal.LIV I
ccuid vu uiwuuc uiacticclliv I " i :ui. r
AvpfvoTifi whn vntH fnr the rieht size he will lay the floor. .u.e. o
then put his family on it, and piease let me near irom you ax;,
See club rates on page three, build the house around them. once with a great big club.