VOL. IV.
Just Take a Dose of Salts.
; A writer in the British Medical
Journal makes the rather astonishing
statement that poets, may gain much
inspiration, and stimulate their ca
pacities generally, by taking occasion
al doses of Epsom salts. New York
American.
Hurrah! Hurrah! Throw up your hat,
And make the hills resound!
Here's what we poets long 'have
sought,
And now, by Ned, it's found.
Next time you try to write a "poem"
That turns ouo full of faults,
Just throw the blamed thing in the
fire
And take a dose of salts.
There's no more use to fret and fume,
And pull your hair and weep;
The doctor men have come along
And helped us out a heap.
When you've exhausted all your skill,
And still the measure halts,
Just lay your f ountain pen aside
And take .a dose of salts.
I always knew that salts were good
To keep a man in prime ;
But dogged if I had ever known
They did their work in rhyme.
Now when your brain goes on a strike,
And you can't make it waltz,
You know the proper thing to do-
Just take a dose of salts.
He Strains at a Gnat and Swal
lows a Camel.
One of my powerful good ex
changes has been getting awfully
shocked at The Fool-Killer for
occasionally printing a parody on
a sacred hymn. It was just dread
ful, you know, to paraphrase an
old familiar hymn written by an
ordinary mortal man who did
not even claim any divine inspir
ation. But Lord heln us! T see
now where this same exchange
nas aeiioerately ripped the im
mortal cuts out of the New Test
ament and hung them up on the
political fence. It has taken one
oi our Lord's parables (the sa
cred utterance of Christ Himself)
and rehashed it to suit its own
political whim. Think of a man
jumping on me for handling
lightly the uninspired writings of
mere men, and ' then watch him
brazenly profane the very Word
of God. Geeminy! It is a little
too much.
MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH
I WENT, I SAW, I SPEWED.!
Well, boys, I wonder how many
of my readers were in Washing-
on City on the 4th of March to
see Uncle Sam pull off his old
stinking sox and put them back
on again?
I was sorter afraid they could
not get along without me, and so
borrowed a clean shirt and
struck out. Got there just in time
to see Woodpile Wilson come in
from New Jersey. I guess his
cow must have died recently, be
cause he was wearing the churn
on his head. Or it might have
been a joint of stove-pipe I
didn't examine it very closely.
Iam pretty well acquainted
with Washington, having lived
there several years ago, but I had
never happened to be there on
the inauguration date before. So
I just took a fool notion to run up
and see the Democrats cut a few
didoes. I might have depended on
the plutocrat papers to give me
the news, but you all know what
collossal liars they are. They
would rather tell a lie on a credit
any day than to tell the truth
for pay down.
As an editor who talks each
month to 75,000 people, I .felt it
my duty to go and see for myself.
And so I went. Of course I didn't
get any seat up in the amen cor
ner, but I managed to see most of
the show, all tjie same. For three
mortal hours I stood there at the"
east front of the Capitol, wedged
in between a fat Democrat and
raw-boned Suffragette, till my
backbone gouged a hole in my
hat, and . my feet went to sleep.
Not less than 200,000 other idiots
were doing just like I was. It
was the biggest gang of tarna
fools that I ever set eyes on.
And so there we stood hour
after hour, like an army of young
cat-birds waiting for it to rain
red-worms. At last I caught sight
of a regiment 9f churn hats
coming down the Capitol steps,
CAROLINA, MARCH, 1913.
and, behold, I stood face to face
with Woodpile and all the other
High-Mdck-a-Doodles of Ameri-
can royalty. -
Maybe I ought to have trem-
bled a little, or got down on my
knees, or something of that sort,
butl didn't. I just stood there
and looked on and thought ' ' what
fools these mortals be!"
They waddled on down the
steps to a platform in front of
the Capitol-Wilson and Bryan
walking on 'each side of Taft to
help him tote his belly and
there they met old Chief Injustice
White, who proceeded to remove
the mantle of power from Big Bill
andplacfc it on Woodpile's shoul-
ders. It put me in mind of swap-
ping an old fat beef steer for a
kicking mule and getting nine
acres of blue sky to boot.
Then after a little more bowing
and scraping among" the high-
brows, Woodpile riz up and begun different lives during the
to talk out of his mouth. He Postages, how come we don't re
reeled off a hank of "glittering member anything about it?-And
generalities" that sounded plum how did the astrologers manage
snipshus and meant about as to find it out? Strikes me sorter
much as a fice dog barking at slonch-ways that it must have
the moon. been somebody else, and not us
And that was about all except that lived away back there,
the pomp and ceremony, soldiers But Mr. Astrologer is some akin
and swords, brass buttons and to Mr. Lawyer he can prove any
gdld braid, -that attended these thing on earth if you will pay
grand inaugural stunts. 7 him for it. And of course tie can
I turned away from it alia!, prove more for a millionaire than
went back .to my room, more he can for a poor devil like me.
firmly convinced than ever that But just wait till I save up a few
the Old Scratch has got this millions then I'll hire me a star
country by the tail and a down- gazer and find out how many
hill pull. times I have been "incarnated"
- - and how many kinds of kings and
If you are looking for a fat job princes I used to be, Seems like
under the Wilon administration I don't amount to much in this
you had better be just 49 years life, but Fll bet -you five cents I
old, as that seems to be Wood- made em stand around when I
pile's favorite number. I notice was king of Egypt-about ten
that five members of .the new thousand years-ago. And I guess
Cabinet are exactly the same that's some help, Ty Ned. '
t s ' . - ' m Mm 11 :
age just y.
Clark 'Russell, in speaking of
'
hell, says they ..use melted lead
for icecream down there.
c
r
NO. 1
HELEN AND THE STARS,
A Paris astrologer has "read.
the stars" for the benefit of Hel-
pn uould Shepard, the new bride
M Finley J. Shepard.
This astrologer finds that Hel-
en and Fin have been soul-mates
since the dawn of time. She was
nrst a Babylonian princess, while .
Fin was of lower rank. The next
incarnation finds them in Egypt,
Then another jump; and they are
subjects of the Roman Empire.
Alter which they diedsome more
and came to life during the
French Revolution.
In all these different lives Hel-
en and Fin were soul-mates, but
something kept them apart until
12:30 P. M., Jan. 22, 1913.
Lord love a duek! The very
idea ol sane people swallowing
that kind of - mental moonshine!
If we have all lived so many
No doubt the reason so many
local PaPers fail is because the
i. " J J.1"
10 wn gossip can get uie news
spread an over ,town oejore me
editor has time to set his type.