Page Two
The Fool-Killer
A Pungent Periodical of Thrilling
Thought.
PUBLISHED MONTHLY.
J. L. PEARSON,
- EDITOR.
One year to your heart, 25 Cents.
In clubs of Five or More, 15 Cents.
. Entered as second class matter
March 30, 1910, at the postoffice at
.Moravian Falls, N. C, under the act
of March 3, 1879.
TAKE NOTICE!
Do hot send postage stamps on sub
scription. Remittances should be made by
registered letter, express or postoffice
money order.
Be careful to write your own name
and address plainly, and direct all
letters and make all orders payable
to:
THE FOOL-KILLER,
noravian Falls, - - North Carolina,
Lei Us Talk It
Over
Well, dear sinner friends, this is
The Fool Killer.
Howydoes it set on your stomach?
If you like it, you can get more at
headquarters. '
The Fool-Killer is not even a forty
'leventh cousin to any other paper on
earth.
It stands in a class by Itself, -and
its field is as broad as the English
language.
This paper wears no bell, muzzle,
collar nor halter.
Tou can put that down to start with.
I am the fellow who works at the
pump-handle on this pungent period
ical of thrilling thought I print only
what I write; I write only what I
think; and I think what I doggon
please.
I own this entire establishment,
and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to
buy one share of it.
Does that sound strange?.
Well, bless your soul, I am a great
deal richer than old John. .
I never travelled any to speak of,
but I have read a great deal, and have
thunk some.
I have also writ a few books which
I know are great, because they don't
sell worth a cent.
Great books never do.
And then I started The Fool-Killer,
lust to quiet my nerves and keep the
old press from getting rusty.
From the seclusion of these wooded
hills there will go forth each month
a bundle of literary dynamite that
will shake the rotten foundations of
society and cause the Church of Mam
mon to at least turn over in its sleep.
The Fool-Killer is a monthly mus
tard-plaster for the blood-boils of
Society, Church and State.
It is salted with wit, peppered with
humor and seasoned with sarcasm.
Every line cut? like a whip, and
every word raises a blister.
If you are a fool you had better not
subscribe for The Fool-Killer. If
you are wise you will. And so that
settles it
TBtE FOOL
IDIOTORIALS.
It never makes a sin any whiter
to call ita mistake.
Never give advice it is better
v
business sense to charge for it.
The self-conceit of a fool excels
all other forms of grandeur.
We are now living under a
Tumulty-ous administration. ..
Well, the nation ain't quite
broke yet, but it's doggon badly
twisted.
A genius is a man who can sup
port a big family on $50 a month
and have a bank account.
It seems that the Promooseive
Party found the gulf between
capital and labor too wide to
straddle. f
Perhaps the reason the lions
didn't eat Daniel was because
most of him was backbone and
the rest was grit.
They tell us now that China is
rapidly becoming Christianized.
Well, if that's true, maybe there
is still some hope for America.
The name of Woodpile's private
secretary Tumulty is no doubt
prophetic of the "tumulty" times
that are just ahead of us, when
Romanism " gets a little more
power.
AN ESSAY ON UMBRELLAS.
An umbrella is a circulating
medium which passes from hand
to hand like money.
The object of an umbrella is to
keep the rain off of the wearer's
hat andx deposit it on his shoul
ders.
An umbrella's rib is its most
vital point. A man may break a
rib, or even have it shot in two
by an anarchist, and still live to
be defeated for president. But
wr r n an umbrella breaks a rib,
it is good only to lend to a per-
1 : 3 V
nai menu.
When a wet . umbrella is
brought into the house, it is us
ually closed up and set in a corner
to drain. For the purpose of wet
ting the floor that is thought to
be more artistic than cutting a
hole in the roof .
An infant umbrella is called a
parasol, and is used by ladies to
keep their drug-store complexion
from getting sun-burnt.
The umbrella is the bashful
lover's best friend, as it gives
him an excuse to approach his
best girl and offer his services in
carrying it. It also furnishes use
f ul employment for his hands
which would otherwise be in the
way.
- KILLER
TOO NASTY PER THE WIM
. - MEN."
Here is a regular ring-tailed
snorter of a sermon on Woman
Suffrage, delivered before the
Anti-Suffrage Club of Studhoss
Ridge by the Honorable Hank
Hard wad. It seems to me, that
Hank has got his argument sorter
twisted, but I give it to you for
what ft is worth. Here it goes:
"No sir-ee-bob! It never would
do in the world to let the wimmen
vote.
In the first place, wimmen ain't
got sense enough to vote.
They would wreck and destroy
this glorious f ree country where
we have the blessed privilege of
working one day for ourselves
aud two for somebody else they
would ruin it all inside of a week.
' And", besides that, politics are
too nasty and corrupt for the
wimmen to dabble in.
Wimmen are too pure and
angelic for such business, and
that's why their influence in
politics would corrupt and de
stroy our free institutions.
We must preserve the purity
and integrity of this nation by
keeping it in the hands of the
men the same high-toned gentle
men ' who., by their superior
knowledge and fitness for the
dudes of statecraft, have succeed
ed in making politics too nasty
and corrupt for the wimmen to
dabble in. .
Then again, if the wimmen
were given the ballot, who would
stay at home with the babies
while the wimmen went to vote?
I dare anybody to answer that
question.
Of course a woman can go to a
cotton mill, or factory, or some
other kind of a sweat-shop, and
work all day for fifty.cents while
her loving husband sits around
the cross-roads store smoking and
telling lies, and the public don't
care a cuss what becomes of the
babies.
Or a woman can take in wash
ing and bend over the wash-tub
for ten hours at a whet, while her
devoted , and patriotic lord goes
a-fishmg, and the babies can look
out for themselves.
Or a; poor girl can work in a
great department store at such
pitiful wages that she has to take
her choice between prostitution
and starvation, .and gallant man
don't care a doggon which path
she chooses.
The refined occupation of being
a wage-slave is good for a woman.
and it don't take her out of the
home and away from her family.
Oh, no! Of course it doD't.
But to walk a few steps once in
two years and drop a piece of
paper in a box that would take
her out of the home and awav
from the babies and just tee
totally ruin everything.
Yes-sir-ee-bob! Politics are too
nasty for the wimmen. "
PERSONAL CHAT.
Well, folks, how is your happiness"
by this time? Hope you are all right
side up with care, and living 24 hours
a day. I am a little bit late again, as
usual, bui just naturally couldn't get
to you any sooner. Seems like there is
always something to ootner me
ain't one thing it's another.
As stated elsewhere in this issue, I
found it necessary to make a trip to
Washington recently. The ' main
object of the trip was to see the
Belknap. Stencil Addressing Machine
in the Government Printing Office.
Always like to see a machine at work
before buying it, you know. But,
incidentally, I stayed to take in the
Inauguration. Elsewhere in this paper
you will find some comments on the
"big event." N I
That Washington trip spoilt the
biggest end of a week, and then after
I got back we had a big rain a
"freshet" we call it here in the back
woods which damaged several rail
road bridges and delayed my shipment
of paper another ,week. Guess I'll
order paper for about six months
ahead and not get caught in that kind
of a trap any more. .
I had hoped to get the new mailing
machine installed and working in
time for this issue, but there are al
ways unexpected delays in such mat
ters, and I hope you will all bear
with me as patiently as possible.
After the machine gets here it will
take at least a month to get all the
names of my 24,000 subscribers copied
off onto the stencils. But when that is
done the big job will be finished the
lists can then be printed off very
rapidly.
A. M i 1 1 UllgUVJ WW gSV VJ UOU
in better shape, because our present
method of writing off everything by
hand is very laborious and unsatis-
T o-rrt tvwi nrViir otiYinna fn or of. 4-.fi a Ha4-.
tactory. l am expecting xne jjooi-,
Killer to at least reach the 100,000
mark by this time next year, and I
might as well go to putting in ma
chinery that will handle the business.
Subs are coming in now at the rate of
nearly a thousand a week. I am both
surprised and pleased with the won
derful success of the paper. Friends
and comrades, you have done the
work, and the honor is yours. And
there is absolutely no limit to what
you C AN do along this line if you
will only keep up the present gait.
Well, here we go under another
Demmy crackit administration.
V j ...
The poor fools reap a fool's re
ward trying to imitate the lives of
the rich fools.
Fools and fads form a fitting
friendship in fashion's flirting
follies.
AnTionest mind is in continuous .
progress, but that of a fool is for-
ftvp.r fixA'H
The loudest mouth frequently
accompanies the most brainless
head J
If a thief undertakes to steal
from you, and you object to'
it, or foil his plans, he at once be
comes your enemy.