!
VOL. IV.
Hot and Cold.
A day in June and it was hot
About as hot as I have felt;
And even when the sun had . sot
It seemed to me that I would melt.
There wasn't any breeze at all
To lend a bracer to the air;
And every bug that tried to crawl
Was panting like a hunted hare.
Aiid then when sleepy time arriv
The proper time to go to bed
You don't know how much I'd have
give
For some cool place to lay my head.
I opened all the winders wide,
And skinned off nearly all my
clothes,
And flung the sheets and things aside,
And lay down there on top to doze.
I guess I must have gone to sleep,
Because I didn't wake no more ,
Till day was just about to peep,
And the old clock was striking four.
I made a pass at that-thar sheet
And tore it open with my toes,
And I wish I may never eat
. , If I weren't doggon nearly froze.
Pack it on Pearson.
Come And See.
RnnA tiip little erliW
have only one or two thousand
onhamnhflro QwintoUr rof,Catn
believe mv statement that The
xni tz : n i o aaa : j
subscribers. They think it sounds
too big to be true, and that I am
simply lying.
All right, Mister Doubting
Thomases, the best way I know
for von to cret nonvineH iq fnr
-
vou to come and see tor vonr-
" . -f I
Reives Mv honVs are alwavrc nnpn
to inspection, and I cordially in-
Trite von tn pome and fnnnt tha
name? Tf that ain't enono-h t
will show you the original letters
containing orders for subscrip
tions. Are you game?
The papers are telling about
an Indian woman whose name is
Mary Full Stomach. Look here,
Mary, you surely ain't fool
enough to try to live up to that
name during a Democratic ad-
mmistration.
!
MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH
A SERMON ON FLIES.
Got any
flies at your house,
mister?
If not, I might spare you just
a few for seed.
I have had fairly good success
with my flies this summer.
The season has been favorable,
and no epidemic of disease has
broken out among them.
Of course there have been a
few accidents in which some of
my nies nave ueen prematurely
n ' i i -l i. I
cut off, but the percentage of
fatalities has been small.
Most of the deaths among my
flies have resulted trom the care-
lessness of my wife, who, oh
several occasions, has unthought-
edly left sheets of sticky paper
iyjng around the house. To my
certain knowledge I have lost 38
flies in this manner, and there
may have been a few others.
When a fly gets on that paper
vnn inst as wpII knork it in the
. "
head, tor you can't get it oft all
' ' j. i.
m une piece tu save your nee,
Ahd if you should happen to get
. .
1 1 I 1"
wing, it wouia oe a crippie ior
life and would never be able to
man v aim iaisc a lcimiiv. 1 uicic
marry ana raise a lamilv. it tnere
0 mm
is one thing a fly enjoys more
than anything else, it is raising a
family. That seems to be a part
oitneir religion, ana tneir pro-
tracted meeting lasts all summer,
1 oougnt me some screen aoors
to keen rnxr fliei? in the honse
r J "
J-T:l: 4-T 4- T 4-1 4-
uV peruaps wie uui-
a,r n oeneanny ior
"ICA" iia,nj wuc yyiu
slip out and ramble oft. However,
ne usuany comes uacK aoout
meal time and brings several of
his friends to dinner.
Everything considered. I sud-
pose my flies are doing about as
well as could be expected.
I recentlv saw a rich dude with
a big boil on his jaw, and his face
was disfigured almost as bad as if
la thought had struck him.
CAROLINA, JUNE, 1913.
WOBBLING ON THE SPINDLE I
Prof. George A. Hill, of the
Naval Observatory at Washing-
ton, has just anounced a new dis-
covery. After Ions: and careful
observation he makes the posi-
tive assertion that the earth is
wobbling on its spindle. He says
the North Pole don't stajr in the
same place any length of time,
but is constantly moving.
Now, gentlemen, what are you
j j i i ;l o t
going 10 uo a oout ni jjo you sup-
pose our Democratic Congress
could be persuaded to pass a law
covering this case? If not, we
might get the Supreme Court to
issue an ' 'in junction." Something
must be done to stop the earth
from wobbling, and it must be
done at once.
Just think of the suffering and
disappointment that this wob
bling is liable to cause some of
our explorers! Why, if Dr. Cook
should co hank to oet the r.icar
; r ; , v ,
that he laid down on top ot the
I Tii t:i u l 4. j T: : I
jruie wime ne uutumeu ma uvei-
coat he would have to hunt all
. w
1 ft -A I J J J M I
Ana it mignt nnany turn out mat
Peary used it to thaw his jaws
loose so ne couia cuss
wusc du iic tuuiu tuao vuuiv iui
getting there first.
Prof. Hill admits that his new
discovery is very hard to under-
stanu. in xact, ne aon t unaer-
stand it at all. He will gladly
weicume any suggesuuu uiatmay
lead to a solution nf the oreat
I 4-.
uiyoii
, ony.twnm, x am eri
mu ixuo, ""
I goodness am interested in your
uisKivery. 11 any suggestion 01
mine will help out, you are more
than welcome to it.
Possibly the North Pole has
some conscientious scruples a-
gainst being discovered any more,
and is simply trying to hide from
the explorers. Or it may have
contracted tne moving-about
habit from Dr. Arthur T. Aber-
nethy, the noted traveller and
NO. 4.
writer, author of ' Oh, Dam It,
I'm Called To Preach, " "I Won-
der Who'll Marry Me Next?" and
other well known works. (For
further particulars, apply to the
divorce court of the American
Brewers' Association.)
Then, again, it may be possible
that the Wilson panic has given
this country such a jolt that the
vibration has reached the North
Pole and set it in motion.
There may be other possible
I i , i ,
reasons lor tne unsettled COn-
ditions around the Pole, "but these
I have ' named are sufficient to
cause a good deal of disturbance.
If anybody can give a better
reason, the Perfesser will be
glad to have it.
Equal Rights?-Aw, Scat!
Don't talk to me about this be-
mo a land or hhertv and pnnal
hts! Tt, blubhft h
. -r ,i itt . . .
nei usi recently m w est Virginia
Wa Wn cW , TO
d m, cratnmftli :nto nrison for
L. nr nn a t ... , mi
h her wages What a crime it
must be for a poor laborer to ask
aiittle higher price for the only
thing he has to sell! But just let
a little old stuck-up merchant
rlp.r.idp. tn cm on n. st.rilrA sinrl caII
Mg goodg -f a higher price
a ofQT.TTn
the poor, half-starved workers,
and what is the result? Is there
any law to step in and punish him
for doing it? No sir! nary a
fetch-taked one!
Sure thing, if I couldn't find
any better employment than try
ing to defend the infernal whee-
whawed , cussedness of a system
that lets poodle-dogs wear gold
collars while children go ragged
and hungry, hang-taked if I
wouldn't go to Kansas and get a
job shovelling wind off of a three
story barn with a pitchfork.
Read that Personal Letter on
second page, and then hustle.