IPage Two
The FooMCiller
A Pungent Periodical of Thrilling
Thought.
PUBLISHED MONTHLY.
J. L. PEARSON,
EDITOR.
One year to your heart, 25 Cents.
In clubs of Five or More, 15 Cents.
Entered as second class matter
March 30, 1910, at the postoffice at
Moravian Falls, N. C, under the act
of March 3, 1879. '
TAKE NOTICE!
Do not send postage stamps on sub
ncription. Remittances should be 'made by
registered letter, express or postoffice
money order.
Be careful to write your own name
nnd address plainly, and direct all
letters and make all orders 'payable
to:
THE FOOL-KILLER,
Uorayian Falls, - - - North Carolina.
Let Us Talk It
Over
Well, dear sinner friends, this is
The Fool Killer. 9
How does it set on your stomach?
If you like it, you can get more at
headquarters.
The Fool-Killer is not even a forty
'leventh cousin to any other paper on
earth.
It stands in a class by itself, and
its field is as broad as the English
language.
This paper wears no bell, muzzle,
collar nor halter.
You can put that down to start with..
I am the fellow who works at the
pump-handle on this pungent period
ical of thrilling thought. I print only
irhat I write; I write only what I
think; and I think what I doggon
please.
I own this entire establishment,
and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to
luy one share of it.
Does that sound strange?
Well, bless your soul, I am a great
deal richer than old John.
I never travelled any to speak of,
but I have read a great deal, and have
tliunk some.
I have also writ a few books which
I know are great, because they don't
all worth a cent.
Great books never do.
And then I started The Fool-Killer,
Just to quiet my nerves and keep the
old press from getting rusty.
From the seclusion of these wooded
hills there will go forth each month
a bundle of literary dynamite that
will shake the rotten foundations of
Dciety and cause the Church of Mam
mon to at least turn over in its sleep.
The Fool-Killer is a monthly mus-tird-plaster
for the blood-boils of
Eociety, Church and State.
It is salted with wit, peppered with
humor and seasoned with sarcasm.
Every line cuts like a whip, and
rery word raises a blister.
If vou are a fool von had better not
ubscribe for The Fool-Killer. If
you are wise you will. And so that
Btties it.
Bundle and News Stand Rates.
The Fool-Killer will be furnished
in bundles to one address at the fol
lowing prices :
20 copies of any one issue, 15 cents.
60 " " ' " 45 "
80 " " " " " 60 "
100 " " " " 75
Sample copies in small quantities
will be furnished free of charge.
THE FOOL
IDIOTORIALS.
Fizz!
Bang!
Hooray!
Did you "cilibrate?"
Ted, the pistol-to ter! Oh, my!
Patriotism with the seat of its
pants gone.
July is hot, but The Fool-Killer
is hotter.
The more money a "sawsiety"
woman spends for clothes the less
she seems to have on.
How does a fish sleep?" asks a
correspondent. In the bed of the
river, of course.
An oid broom may not sweep
clean, but it can raise a dickens of
a dust.
Man proposes, woman disposes,
marriage composes, and divorce
exposes.
Does a man succeed because" he
smiles, or does he smile because
he has succeeded?
The Melting Pot" would be a
world-beater of a paper if it
would only stick a corn-cob in its
infidelity bung-hole.
A New York man named Hoe
is being sued for $225,000 for
breach of promise. Looks like
Hoe just as well dig up.
There is a kind of cloth on the
market called "duck." If a-body
had a suit of that cloth and it
was a good fit, wouldn't that be
a duck-fit?
If "tut, tut!" is the strongest
cussing Woodrow Wilson can do,
his powers of profanity have
swunk up terribly since he made
that speech in Greensboro, N. C,
a few years ago.
Say, mister, here is another
question you can answer, while
your coffee cools: Do the people
belong to the Constitution, or
does the Constitution belong to
the people?
The big daily papers have be
gun to copy things from The
Fool-Killer, which indicates that
it is coming to be recognized as
one of the standard "funny pa
pers" of the country.
Old Jodar'ter Daniels, our pre
sent Secretary of the Navy, is just
almost bursting his belly-band
trying to get young men to join
the navy. But still the navy is
"short" several thousand men,
and Jodarter's appeals are not
bringing m any recruits. Goody!
I thought the people would begin
to learn a little sense by and by.
- KILLER
The Expose Toilette.
Wow!
Come again.
Who knows?
I don't.
Better .hush.
Somebody's looking.
Ain't it just awful?
What? 1
Look and see.
Are you blind?
Ah, pshaw!
Be ashamed!
Don't mention it.
What?
Why, the "Expose Toilette."
Latest female fashion.
Expose what?
Legs and so forth.
Don't be so inquisitive.
I ain't going to tell no more.
Bryan's Too Busy To Talk."
Oh, wonder of wonders! I can't un
derstand, and it's hard to believe
the report;
I wish they would tell me who started
the tale, and I wish they would
prove it in court.
But sure as you're born it is going the
rounds and it makes my creduli
ty balk
That business is pressing in Washing
ton town, and Bryan's too busy to
talk.
There never have been such condi
tions before, and I'm awful un
easy for fear
That some international trouble is on,
and that general chaos is near.
I fear the merican Eagle will die
so dead thatit never can squawk
For surely there's something unusual
on hand, if Bryan's too busy to
talk.
4 it
The American people, on the
whole, are very happily situated,"
says an exchange. Yes, those who
n the whole" are getting
along pi am snipshus, but the poor
devils who are "in the hole" are
having a tuff time of it.
In a Pennsylvania town recent
ly a pretty typewriter girl was
arrested for being too scantily
dressed. Doggon! She must have
been one of these-here "visible"
typewriters.
Look-y here! What does this
mean about so many of my sub
scribers not getting their paper
regularly? Is there a plot among
the postmasters to destroy it? If
so, somebody will hear from
somebody purty doggon soon.
About Complaints.
Lots of my subscribers are
complaining that they don't get
the paper regularly. Well, boys,
I do my part I mail the paper
carefully each month to all sub
scribers, and when it don't reach
them it is either the carelessness
or the wilful, low-down cussed
ness of some postal employee.
What shall we do about it?
July, 1913.
Whew! Smell of this!, The
chief of the pure food depart
ment of the government declares
that the pure food law don't a-
mount to a hill of beans. Shucks,
I knew that all the time.
It is generally believed that the
presidency is the highest office in
these Benighted States of Amer
ica, but that is a mistake. Then
what is the highest office, did you
say? Why, the postoffice on Pike's
Peak.
ia . t mm '
I ain't gotv a word to say
against Roman . Catholic "re
ligion," except that most of it is
silly and unreasonable. What I
object to is Roman Catholic
POLITICS-their mad desire to
dominate the civil governments
of the world.
The response to my Special
Offer in last issue has been very
good, but not half what it ought
to have been. Thousands of you
have lost an opportunity to help
me and yourselves at the same
time. To those who did respond I
send my heartiest thanks, and to
those who did not, this is my
message I hope you will try to
do better next time.
Several months ago the sugar
trust got out a book called "Su
gar at a Glance," and Senator
Lodge took advantage of his
"franking privilege" to circulate
many thousand copies through
the mail. It is now estimated
that this transaction robbed the
governmont of $28,000 in post
age. Now, by George, is Senator
Lodge a servant of the people or
of the sugar trust?
Hello here! I see that the Secre
tary of Agriculture has started a
thorough examination into the
merits of the Farmers' Co-operative
Association at Rockwell,
Iowa. He seems to think the idea
might be a good one for other
sections to adopt. How very fool
ish! Don't the Secretary know
that the co-operative idea is "So-
cianstic" and therefore danger
ous bomebody ought to bore a
gimlet hole in Secretary Hous
ton s head to give his brains some
air.
THE RED LIGHT.
Hottest non-sectarian religious pa
per on earth. Its mission is to expose
hypocrisy in the churches, restore
the "oldtime religion," and fight the
temporal encroachment of Cath
olicism, Issued monthly at 25 cents a
year. Special offer: Send 20 cents
(two silver dimes wrapped) and 10
names of persons who might subscribe
and the paper will be sent you a year
on trial.
THE RED LIGHT, Wilkesboro, N. C.
(It gives me great pleasure to rec
ommend The Red Light to my readen
Pearson.)
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