July, 1913.
The He-Virgins Had a Fit.
Help!
Murder!
Police!
Run here with a hoss-blanket
quick!
Here's something that's just
:got to be kivered up.
Oh; my!
Excuse my blushes.
It seems that some degenerate
French artist has painted the
ux a ucauuxu. young gir.
r",8 U1U. rany fve s .wea:
amg aress witn trimmings ol real
p wuuwu cxLuutauu
r 1 xi.' m , ,
r C
uie witness siana ior just a
minute:
"'September Morn' is a beautiful
oil painting of a young girl in the
nude, by a Paris artist, depicting a
September sunrise on the banks of
the famed Moselle. When the male
prudes in the New York'custom house
opened the package containing the
. 0 ,
painting was forwarded to Secretary
of the Treasury McAdoo
and he was
shocked. It was then sent to Bryan
ei3 ttij puponj- Buuv,Acu.
A-nd then it was sent to Postmaster
General Burleson, who was so scan
dalously shocked that he prohibited
its entrance in the mails."
Well, that is a plum pity.
Let's you and me cry about it.
Boo-hoo!
I am awful sorry that such a
vicked picture has fallen into
the hands of our pure and immac
ulate cuslom-house officials and
the dear little innocent buddies
who compose Wilson's cabinet.
There is danger of corrupting
their snowy innocence, don't you
know? Of course neither the
custom-house angels nor McAdoo,
Bryan or Burleson had ever seen
such a sight before. They had
always believed that clothes
grew on a woman like wool on a
sheep, and when they found out
different it must have been a
terrible shock.
Seems to me that the parents
of these honorable officials must
have neglected their duty. They
should have presented their
, .
11, u 1 4.-4-1 a
Stall's books, entitled, What a
Young So-and-So Ought to
mu i
Know. The knowledge con-
7 . i .4. u 1
tained therein might have acted
6
as a sort 01 snocK-aosoroer in a
case iike the above.
While fully sympathizing with
the officials, I can't help being
sorry for the young lady, also. It
must have been very embarrass
ing for her to appear before the
Cabinet without any clothes on.
L .
herself. She is probably a very
nice girl, and it would be a pity
to send her back to Europe. I'll
THE FOOL-KILLER
CH 1
lub
In Clubs of Five, 15c a Year.
The price of single subscriptions to The Fool-Killer is 25 cents a year,
but if you will get several of your friends to go in with you and send in a
club of five or more at one time, you
year. The Fool-Killer is creating great excitement wherever it is intro
duced, and it now goes into every State in the Union. Join the army of
club-raisers. Do it now. Address:
THE FOOL-KILLER, MOBAVIAN FALLS, N. C.
a hobbleskirt so she can make
her debut in American sawsiety. I
tW nforna.
artist ought t0 have his head
cracked, that's what he ought,
for getting a nice young lady and
a crowd of nice men into such a
scrape. Old mean thing!
Saj', friends, here is a piece of
news that may interest some of
y0u, especially those of you who
are inclined toward religious lit-
T , , .
ciaLUlc "avp "L1 I
Fool-Killer for nearly four years.
Lla V C lUilUC a 11LU1C LllUllC.V O.UVJ.
have had several wagon-loads of
luuuut ul it, uut iu,y wue vwuu
is a good modest Christian woman)
has always been sorter ashamed
of the fool thing. She considers it
a purty tolerable sorry excuse for
a paper ana wonaers wny so
1 T T- I
many folks are so crazy over it.
And so, in order to show me and
the rest of you what a real paper
looks like, Mrs. Pearson has turned
in and started a paper of her own. get it? And if so, what has be
lt is a non-sectarian religious come of it? There don't seem to
monthly, and its name is "Good
News." The first issue has just
appeared. And right here let me
make this public confession the
widder has done got me skinned,
Good News" ain't as droll and
funny as The Fool-Killer, but, it
is ten times better because it talks
about better things. It is also well
written and full of fresh new
ideas. One issue contains more
Bible truth and spiritual uplift
than a dozen ordinary sermons. I
know some of my readers don't
believe in religion at all, but there
will come a time when they will
x, , , , T .
,
all my readers, no matter what
. . . u A
their religious views, to subscribe
. ... T, . A.
for my wife's paper. It will do
my wire's paper, it win ao
you good. Th price of single had before. Freedom to go hun
subscriptions is fifteen cents a gry and wear rags. Freedom to
year, but in clubs of five or more
it is only ten cents. Send money
by any safe method, and address
all orders to:
Mrs. Cora Pearson,
Moravian Falls, N. C.
One of my neighbors has just
ffot back f rom his vaCation. He
went away tov change and rest.
But the hotels got the change and
tiiA Tmrtnrs ffot the rest.
ates!
can all get the paper at 15 cents a
ANOTHER SERMON, THANK
YE.
0 All right, little 'uns, just be
still and your uncle will preach
you another sermon. Ain't
thought of nary subject to preach
about yet, but maybe if I start!
out the subject will come. So
I am going to give my thinker
absolute freedom on this occasion
and see what kind of a caper it
will cut. Oh, goody, goody!-
there s my sumect Freedom!
. . . VJ
J-moio suing w uc a ocimun un
Freedom. "Ain't that a jim-dandy
Wily 1UI a AClICi tU gtJL
I'll try that trick aain
;0"
I 11 try that trick again sometime.
vveimve iitjctru su many rourtn
of July orations on the subject
that some of us have actually got
to believing that there is such a
thing as American Freedom.
TTT 1 V i1 I 1 .
wonaer wnere tnat 1001 notion
started from, anyhow? Our an-
cestors paid a big price for free-
dom, and they thought they got
what they paid for. But did they
be any freedom lying around loose
these days. Possibly the million-
aires have got it. They have got
most everything else. Sure thing,
the common people of this coun-
try ain't burdened with freedom.
Their burdens are of a different
kind. They are actual slaves. No
use to deny that. The slaves of
circumstance and the serfs of
commercial greed. And no man
can be a slave and a freeman at
the same time.
Take the average working
man. and examine his so-called
freedom. What does it consist of ?
, , u
, . , ,
for a bare existence. Freedom to
, , . ,
change bosses occasionally, and
, & . , ' ,
perhaps get a worse one than he
pernaps get
five in a shack that a rich man's
dog would scorn. Freedom to
supply the world with abundance
and take the scraps for himself.
Freedom? Oh, yes, I reckon
there is some freedom in Ameri
ca, but the money sharks have
got it. And they are going to
oot.
hold on to it like a puppy to a
Hurrah for "American Free-
dom!" Why don't you holler?
Page Three
A Sermon on Breeches.
The following news dispatch
has been sent out from Washing
ton:
"Another thrill is in store for
Washington society. Mrs. Christian
Dominic Hemmick, aged 60 years, is
having trousers made by a local tailor.
They will be worn with suspenders,
and as soon as they are finished Mrs.
Hemmick and some friends she has
induced to adopt the new style will
appear on the streets in the new
garb."
Oh! v
Ouch!
Geeminy sakes!
Did you hear that?
And so the doodle-bug sawsiety
of Grafter's Headquarters is go
ing to have the blessed privilege
of rubbernecking after a pair of
summer breeches as they go
straddling- down the street with
an old Dominic Hen inside of
em! Won't that be ge-lorious? I-
can just imagine what great in
terest it will create. Woodrow
-n j.
Will come out on the front SteDS
- i- v f. Jl all fV
wheels of government on Can't 1
Hill will stand still to see the
k it,
will be forgotten for the time
being, and the pie-hungry Dem
ocrat will have to suck his thumb
and wait.
The world is just beginning to
learn what magic power there is '
in a pair of ' breeches. We can
well afford to let everything else
go hang till we absorb all the
spiritual blessing that can be
squoze out of this momentous
event.
Oh, fudge! Now ain't that
something to take on over? Why,
Mrs. Dominic Hen can haul on
one pair of breeches over another
till she gets 'em a foot thick all
over herself if she wants to. It
ain't none of my business. I wear
breeches every chance I get, and
the entire shemale shebang of
Washington City can do likewise
if it suits 'em.
No doubt it was just as much
of a novelty when men first be
gan to wear breeches as it is now
, .1 1 . . -
. 11T1 At, A
to take it up. And if it had just
happened in the early days that
uart.MM frt mMr. Aaoaa
men had begun to wear dresses
0 n 0, mA r-1 , Ua
instead of pants, we Would be
, . . A fJ
doing it yet and would think it
was all right. You see it is all a
matter of being used to a thing,
and if we have got to accustom
ourselves to women in breeches
we might as well begin now as
any time. So just let Mrs. Domi
nic Hen and her brood alone.
Maybe they are the pioneers of a
great reform. Who knows?
Some people come to grief,
while others just sit down and wait
for it to overtake them.-
giVC bvU Vllvo w Y v vj 3 J w x : ,