VOL. IV.
MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, SEPTEMBER, 1913.
NO. 7.
Bryan's Chaw-Talk-Way Speech.
Here I am.
I guess you all know me.
I look a good dealllike the car
toons of me in the papers.
Drotthe cartoonists, anyhow!
My name is Bryan.
Some folks call me Bill.
Others call me Kernel.
But it all amounts to the same.
I am your honorable Secretary
of State.
Me and Woodrow Wilson are
running this government.
A big fellow by the name of
Taf t had the job before we got it.
Taf t believed in high tariff, and
the high tariff made everything
else high.
The cost of living went up so
high that nobody only millionaires
could stand it. ,
Me and Woodrow said that was
wrong.
We believed in low tariff, and
we promised to bring the price of
grub down within reach of the
poor.
It was on the strength of these
promises that you elected Wood
row, and then he appointed me to
tell him what to dp.
The first thing I told him was
to knock the stilts from under
the tariff.
He knocked 'em.
That is, he knocked at 'em.
But the job ain't as easy as it
looked.
We are still wrestling with the
tariff, and the end is not in sight.
You suckers are paying me
$12,000 a year to Jo a certain job
of work.
That's about forty dollars a
day.
Or four dollars an hour.
Maybe I ought to stay on the
job for that much money.
But here's how it is:
My Jeff ersonian simplicity is so
strict, and the cost of living has
come down so much,' that I simply
can't live on $12,000 a year dur-
Let's Cut Him Open and See.
Doctor
Doctor
Doctor
Doctor
Doctor
Doctor
Doctor
Doctor
Doctor
Doctor
Think, he thought the patient had a dislocated hip;
Smart was very certainjhe was suffering with grip;
Guess then diagnosed it as a swimming in the head;
Stuff said nothing ailedlhim, only he'd been underfed.
Gash said: "Well, by grannies, seeing that we can't agree,
Let's! cut him open and see."
i
t .
Plug announced it measles, pointing to the patient's tongue;
it'
Quack, he said consumption had destroyed the fellow's lung;
Puff had every reason to believe it was the gout;
Blow declared his stomach simply needed cleaning out;
Gash rolled up his sleeves, and with authority spake he:
"Let's cut him open and see."
Doctor Pill believed the patient had a 'humor" in his blood;
Doctor Squill said it was hookworm, caught by wading in the mud;
Doctor Doubt said fits or fever, and he weren't quite certain which;
Doctor Claw said it was nothing but the plain, old-fashioned itch;
Doctor Gash said: "You 'uns hold 'im! Hand that carving-knife to
me!
Let's cut him open and see."
James Larkin Pearson.
ing these prosperous Democratic
times.
And hence it is necessary for
you suckers to pay me $1,000 a
night to neglect the work which
you have hired me to do, and
strut before the footlights as a
Chaw-talk-way star.
I am getting double pay for my
time, and then using it as my
own.
Can anybody beat that?
Say, you feller that works in a
shop for $1.50 a day!
Suppose you walk off from your
work tomorrow morning and put
in the day giving a Chaw-talk-way
lecture to the man who pays
you to work in the shop.
Will you get double pay and an
invitation to do it again?
Not on your life, buddy!
You'll get fired quicker than
howdy, and on top of that you'll
get the doggondest- cussin' that
ever you got.
Gee, but you fellers are easy!
You are a great gang of Henry
Dubbs, all right.
And so endeth this Chaw-talk-way
lecture.
Good-night, suckers!
How to Use Patent Medicines.
Sick Headache Place a paper
of Killum's Headache Powders in
the slop bucket, then go to bed
and rest till your head gets easy.
Pain or Cramps Put a bottle
of Painkiller in the ice-box and go
without dinner.
Cold in the Head Put a bot
tle of Dr. Sting's New Dope on
the top shelf of the cupboard and
go to work.as usual.
Fretful Children Empty a
bottle of Mrs. Sally Swiggins's
Soothing Syrup on the sole of an
old shoe, rub in well, and apply
to the child until the symptoms
disappear.
Cold Feet Pour one-half pint
of any reliable tonic over behind
the back-stick, and then sit down
and poke your feet to the fire.
Loss of Appetite Get a box
of Dr. Poysener's Liver Pills
Roll each pill around the house
three times witha golf club. Eat
a hearty dinner.
Speaking of coming back,"
what's the matter with Harry?
THE THAW DOPE.
My-y-y-o! Did you ever stop
and think of the time and money
that has been wasted by the
American people in reading about
Harry Thaw?
And here I go, adding some
more to the collection of Thaw
literature! Doggoned if it don't
look like the 'rest of us are about
as crazy as Thaw is, or we would
not waste our time writing and
reading about the onnery cuss.
You remember how it was
when the Thaw businesss started
several years ago. Let's figger on
it just a little. We will say that
probably 1,000 daily papers de
voted , four, columns each to the
Thaw case every day for about
six months. Each of these 1,000
daily papers probably averaged
50,000 circulation, which would
give a total circulation of 50,000,
000.
Now we will suppose that an
average of half those who got
the papers spent an hour each
day reading the Thaw dope.
There we have 25,000,000 people
employed for one hour each day.
Figuring their time at ten cents
an hour we get $2,500,000 as the
cost of reading about Thaw for
one day. Multiplying that by the
number of days in six months we
get $455,000,000, which is a
reasonable estimate of what it
cost the American people to read
about Thaw while he was in the
limelight before. And now we
are starting in again., Where will
it end?
If the plutes of the Benighted
States want somebody to go down
and defend their property inter
ests in Mexico, why in the gee
whiz don't they go themselves?
Many a Rastus whose voice was
made to drive a team of muley
bulls with, has got it hemmed up
in one corner of a two-story collar
trying to make it preach.