Newspapers / The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, … / Nov. 1, 1913, edition 1 / Page 1
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VOL. IV. The Millionaire Puppy. Hello, you million dollar pup, You little wooly devil! No wonder you are so stuck up Above the common level. You live the most exclusive way, By reason of your riches ; Of course you're not allowed to play With common curs and bitches. You have a suite of furnished rooms, With Turkish bath and toilet, And servant girls with mops and brooms To clean up when you Spoil it. You have a sof h and downy bed On which to do your snoozing; rIhe rarest dainties when you're fed, And all of special choosing. You have a doctor when you're sick To cure your pains and twitches ; Also a maid who knows the lick To scratch you where it itches. You've got a dozen suits of clothes That cost a thousand dollars, With shoes to warm your precious toes, And diamond-studded collars. Tour weakest little whine or bark Will bring your slaves a-trotting, While humans in the cold and dark Are perishing and rotting. Say, pup, you've got the laugh on us, "You high and mighty poodle ; But you ain't worth a tinker's cuss Doggon your bloody boodle ! James Larkin Pearson. About Personal Letters. Dear Friends and Club-Raisers: One of my greatest regrets connection with this business in is the fact that I cannot write each of you a personal letter in reply t each club you send me. I have the will to do it, but you . know that would be an impossible task, We must be content with letting the paper Itself serve as a personal letter, and I will do my best to see that nobody is overlooked in the mailing. In a business of this size a few mistakes are almost sure to occur, but I am always glad to correct them when they are called to my attention. So jost let the clubs roll in here like four men a-measuring apples. MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, NOVEMBER, 1913. A CONTINENT FOR SALE! 0 yes! 0 yes! 0 yes! New jcontinent for sale! Who wants a continent? A brand-new continent nearly as big as, your fist has just been Columbused away up in the frozen Arctic Circle, and is now being offered to the public for the first time. This is a great bargain. Nothing like it ever heard of before. Who bids, and how much, for the new continent? Bid up, gentlemen! Here is your chance to make a fortune in the ice business. The soil and climate are well adapted to the' raising of, icebergs, chill- blains, and. other garden truck; also seals, walruses, polar bears, an(J a verv superior grade of aurora borealis. How much am I offered for this new and promising con tinent? Bid up, gentlemen, bid up! Are you all asleep? This great property has on it an abundance 01 nice, white 11 AM . bones, the remains of prehistoric explorers whe froze to death there. These bones go with the land without extra charge. 0 yes! 0 yes! This is the poor man's chance. If you ever expect to own a continent, now is the time to get fly" , ' . ,... . Yah q II Irnnw tho hi MinnQiroc haye t this continent bound and gagged and its pockets turned inside out. A poor man don't stand any more chance in America than a fat grub worm on a fishing trip. Therefore The only way for a poor man to break into the Rockefeller class is to buy him a new country and grow up with it. This property is only a short distance from the North Pole, the well-knawn and rapidly growing summer resort, where you can find a ready market for stove-wood, ear-muffs and over coats. No mosquitoes, bed-bugs, lawyers nor book-agents any- where in that country, and such a thing as sunstroke was never heard of. Opportunity is knocking at your door with a battering-ram. Bid up, gentlemen I can't wait. Going Did I hear another bid, or was that the cost of living fell? Once The opportunity is passing. Twice Are you all done? Three times and sold, to Rocky D. Oily feller. "A FRIENDLY VISIT" SCAT! Bearing the greetings of the new world to the old, the great sea fight- ers of the Atlantic fleet were started on their way to the ports of the sunny Mediterranean. Nine sombre garbed war machines in battle formation and carrying thousands of American fight- I 11 1 J 1 - 1 mS men ana sailors, received tne nnai nod of farewell and slid slowly out in to the sea. Associated Press Dis patch. Great buckeJs of mud! That sounds mightily like old Pile's bell to me. Now let the band play "Possum Up a Simmern Tree," and we'll all grab a meat-ax and run. common corn-field English, tne com tacts are tnese: The United States has started n aanor nt ira hart pshinc rn m . 1 a. , ' , friendly visit' around the world, bearing the friendship and good-will of this nation to the nations beyond the sea. AH right, Brother Jonathan. 'When you see me coming to your house with my war-paint on and my teeth set, a forty-eight in each hand and a belt full of butcher-knives, don't you get NO. 9. excited and grab your old musket in self-defense. I will be coming on a "friendly visit. ' I will have only brotherjy love and good-will in my heart for you and everybody else in the world. But you will want to know what in the dickens I mean by coming at you bristling with fighting-tools like a blood-thirsty savage. And that's what I want tp. know. If I amuch a good, easy-go- mg, peaceable teller, wny do 1 want to pass nyself off for a low- bowed ruffian, a hot-headed bully, just spoiling for a fight We profess to be a great Christian ; nation," and we let off a great deal of hot air about good-will, brotherly love, and so on when Uncle Sam starts out to visit his sister nations, does he go like a Christian gentle- man or like an infernal dope- nrQi Viooli? Take the case, gentlemen. Give Us Justice Not Charity! The infernal . gold-plated plutes love to boast of their "charity." Great heavens!' If simple Justice was allowed to prevail in this old world there wouldn't be one par ticle of use for "charity." Every "charitable institution" on the face of God's xearth is a silent witness to the fact that Justice has been outraged and driven from the land. 'Safact. Back to the Old Head. My subscribers will notice tnat The Fool.Killer has a different head on itself this month, and a word of explanation may be in order. This head is the one I first used on the paper, and a little over a year ago I swapped it off for another, i But I never felt quite satisfied with the'- change, and so I am npw changing back J to the original head.
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
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Nov. 1, 1913, edition 1
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