VOL. V.
THE APEIL-FOOL.
If a man was a fool but once a
year
On April the first alone
And had good sense the rest of the
time,
Hard times would not be known.
But I've -been studying all these
things,
And this is what I've found
That the average biped called a man
Is a fool the whole year round.
I can't tell why the All-Fool's Day
Is set for April first,
When it's- November election time
Men act the fool the worst.
James Larkin Pearson.
A SERMON ON MEXICO.
And so this is going to be
few scattering remarks on the
situation down in Greaserdom.
Yes, honey, the music is still in
progress down south of the Rio
Grande, with a pretty good pros
pect of getting over on this side
before it ends. And so I reckon
a Fool-Killer sermon on the sub
ject won't hurt anything.
The eyes of the world are on
Mexico, and every feller has his
opinion about-it. If opinions
could have settled the fuss, it
would have been settled long
ago. ""But that's the whole trou
ble there's too many opinions
and here's one more. If all
the Mexicans had just one opin
ion there wouldn't be anything
for them to fight over. But a
Greaser would die if he couldn't
fight, and he's mighty apt to die
if he - does fight, and so just let
him fight and die till he gets his
belly fufi of it. I'd much rather
it was him than me.
I have got plenty of things a
galnst Woodpile Wilson, but try
keep out of that Mexican
mess is not one of them. The old
school-teacher's head is level 'time.
enough on that subject. Many
a cussiir have I heard Woodpile
Sfet because he wouldn't declare
war against .Mexico and send our
army down there to eat 'em up
blood-raw. But I have never vol
my
got any of these blood-thirsty
"patriots" to tell me what busi
ness we've got meddling in Mex
ico's affairs. . The only thing
they can say' is that a-few rich
Americans have got large prop
MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH
erty interests down there, and
it's our duty to protect these
millionaires and their property.
Protect the devil! Why is one
man any better to be protected
than another? They don't think
nary time about protecting the
poor fellows who have been
wh edled into joining the army
Blamed poor business I call it
to have several thousand poor
men murdered just to protect
the property of a half-dozen mil
lionaires who knew the condi
tions in Mexico before they went
there. If the . capitalists were
not willing to take their chances
and bear the consequences, why
in dickens did they invest their
precious dross in Mexican prop
erty '? Nobody compelled them
to do it. And now if they ex
pect me to stick my carcass up
between their property and the
Mexican bullets, thev are bark
ing up the wrong tree.
Of course if some of these
blood-thirsty il patriots" here in
this country want to take it up
on themselves to go dowTn there
and have their guts hung out to
dry on the cactus bushes of Mex
ico just let 'em hit the grit.
But, lawzy-massy me ! If it
should actually come to war
these same brave boys who have
been wanting war so bad would
be the first bucks to hunt for
a cave in the mountains.
Hesult of Ore Smile.
One smile makes a flirtation.
une nirtation maKes two ac
quainted. Two acquainted make
one kiss. One kiss makes several
more. Several kisses make an en
gagement. One engagement
makes two fools. Two fools make
one marriage. une marriage
makes two mothers in-law. Two
mothers-in law make a red-hot
Now, boys, as a parting word,
I ask you to show this paper to
all your neighbors and friends
and get them to subscribe. I wil
strive to make The Fool-Killer
better and better tach month.
In next issue there will be some
juice that will pucker the devil's
mouth to beat sixty.
CAROLINA, APRIL, 1914.
BACON AND BOOZE
Of all the far-fetched and in
fernal arguments that were ev
er hatched up by the bug-house
brain of a blubbering booze
artist, here is one that caps the
stack.
The editor of a local paper, in
adding his mite to the discus
sion of the high cost of living,
drags in the startling statement
that the prohibition law in North
Carolina is responsible for the
high cost of meat.
Shades of dad's old sow ! What
a cimcneri inow we nave it
straight from the foundation
head ot wisdom, and the ques
tion is settled. It must be a
thrilling sensation to be
like that.
smart
Several years ago, when gov-
it
eminent distilleries were as
thick throughout North Carolina
as fleas on a valler doe, it was
the custom to fatten hogs on
'still-slop." The stiller built a
hog-lot adjoining his booze fac
tory and all the neighbors
brought their hogs there '. to be
fattened on the "slop" which
ran into the lot through great
nasty troughs. The farmers sold
their corn to the distiller and
took their pay in likker for them
selves and "slop" for'their hogs.
And they thought they were getr
ting a great bargain.
But now the stills have been
driven out and the rivers of
4 still-slop " have ceased to flow,
and that is the reason the people
can't raise hogs any more be
cause there is no still-slop to fat-4
ten 'em on.
Great argument ! Profound
reasoning! Of course no one ever
thought of feeding corn to hogs.
But why couldn't it be (tone?
Why wouldn't a bushel of corn
do a pig more good than just the
slop that a bushel of corn would
make? Do the four-legged hogs
fare better on just the dregs . of
the corn after the "drunk" has
been extracted for the two-legged
hogs? "That seems to be the way
our wise editor looks at it. But
he is so infernal cross-eved that
if he 'should cry the tears 'would
run down the back of his neck.
The prohibition law responsi
ble for the high price of meat !
Why," you might as well argue
that the mud between a little
nigger's toes is responsible for
the changes of the nioon.
NO. 2.
VIRGIN MARY OUT OF
DATE.
Now, then, what do you
think? The infallible Pappy of
Rome has got down on his gold-
plated belly and lavished a lot
of his holy slobber on the pretty
pink toes of that dazzling darl
ing, Dame Fashion.
Who would athunk it?
And that makes it look to a
man up a tree that Dame Fash
ion is more infallible than the
Pappy is. How does it look to
you?
Ever since Heck was a pup,
one of the iron clad rules of
the Vatican has been that the
wimman folks of the - Roman
Catholic lay-out must wear a lit
tle string around their necks,
and said string must support a
little doodad which must hang
down in the neighborhood of
where the baby gets its dinner,
and on the said doodad must be
a picture of the Virgin Mary.
The arrangement worked all
right until Dame Fashion came
along with this new style of col
lar which buttons around the
waist, and then the little Catho
lic string with the Virgin Mary
doodad hanging to it, and .show
ing against the snowy breast
works of Cupid's War Depart
ment well, that had a sort of
tendency to mar the landscape,
you know.
.And so the good Catholic sis
ters set up a mighty howl about
it and prevailed upon the Pappy
to decree a new decrecment on
the subject. He straightway did
so. He knocked the head out a
brand-new barrel of infallibility
which had just arriv on the noon
treight, anjd he discovered in
view of the whereforeness of the
whatnot, that, the doodad was
not absolutely essential to sal
vation nohow.
But that isn't the point, ex
actly. Essential, or non-essential,
when fashion said it must
go it went. To be sure, the lit
tle image of the Virgin Mary
didn't hide a very big scope of
the country, but the Pappy reas
oned that if a little nakedness
was good for the Catholic church,
more nakedness would be better,
and so he has, passed the word
down the line that the little im
age can be wrapped up in an old
stocking leg and laid away.
IF