Newspapers / The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, … / Sept. 1, 1915, edition 1 / Page 1
Part of The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.) / About this page
This page has errors
The date, title, or page description is wrong
This page has harmful content
This page contains sensitive or offensive material
PooMviiMef THIS PAPER, IN SPITE OF ITS NAME, DOES NOT BELIEVE IN KILLING PEOPLE. VOL. VL MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, SEPTEMBER, 1915. NO. THE TERRIBLE JITNEY Once there was a mule-car, And it ran upon a track; It took folks where they'd like to go, And then it fotched 'em back. Bnt it couldn't go much fast No faster'n a mule could trot And the old plug had to stop and cool When ever he was hot. And so somebody sot in, And here's just what they done They put old Lightnin' in the shalves, And golly! how she run! And then that mule-car suffered, " The driver stormed and cussed, And swore that blamed old trolley-car Had treated him unjust. But the trolley held its own, And then some more besides; Till fust thing anybody knowed, It cornered all the rides. But now here comes the Jitney And takes the trolley's nick, Just like the trolley done the mule, And watch that trolley kick! When we can gouge another, We don't want any fuss; But my ! the devil is to pay When someone gouges us ! PARAGRAPHS Speaking of Warsaw, whadye reckon the war saw, anyhow? ' The empty dinner-pail contains plenty of food for thought. If nobody had too much, then rverybody might have enough. Most of the free advice we get is worth just about what it costs. It isn't a bit of trouble to agree with people who happen to agree frith us. Some people believe in free speech for. themselves, but no- tody else. Either the devil belongs to the church or the church belongs to devil. Which is which? Take what you think you know, and subtract from it what your neighbors think you don't know, ana tne results win oe wnat is left There are only forty Dog-Days and probably forty million dogs. And still tney tell us tnat every dog has his day." Toothadore Spexvelt's Exposition Speech By The Fool-Killer's San Francisco Correspondent And it came to pass one day in July that he who swalloweth lions for pills and eateth elephants as if they were candy kisses behold, this mighty being, whose name was Toothadore Specksvelt, did stand up at the Panama-Pacific Ex-1 position and utter great and won derful words, even the following: "Say, you confounded clabber- brained cranks, and nervous Nan- cified ninnyhammers, what did you come here to see? Remember, this is a great exposition, and in going through it you want to get your money's worth. Therefore, D ye fools, come away from that monkey cage! Cut out that for tune-teller's joint! Hike down from that merry-go-round! Yes, verily, I say unto you, come here and see the KEAL EXHIBIT! Before you, on this platform, standeth the only thing that is worth coming here to see. The main difference between me and the brazen serpent that Moses lifted up is the fact that I am not on a pole. Another difference is that Mose's brass snake didn't talk or wear soex. But it done the work. So do I. Look unto me, all ye that are hypnotized by the siren song of peace-at-any-price, and be ye cured of it. Kip! Snort! Boom! Bang! Lis ten! If you want your sleepy souls baptized in the gospel of blood, then adjust your louse-pas- kures to an angle of forty-five de grees and listen attentively while I pump the pure truck from the gap in my face. Hurrah for me! Here I stand before you Exposition sight-seers as the only man on earth who knows it all. Some other men claim to know it . all, but they are false teachers and undesirable citizens. There is only one ME in the world, but one is enough if you will all follow me. If any of y ou doubt my idenity I invite you to come up close and examine my teeth. And also give prayerful attention to my eye glasses. You will observe that the shoe-string attached to these glass es flows out like a cowboy's lasso just as it does in all the cartoons of me. And if you are still not sat isfied that this is me, I am willing to lift up my voice and say "Liar," "Thief" and 4 'Molly-coddle." I invented these words, and I alone know how to use them properly. Yes, boys, I am the Bull that maae tne Moose iamous. 1 am the Booger-Man that the mother- beasts in the jungles scare their babies with when they won't be good. So much for the introduction, you are all convinced of my If idenity, then let's get down to brass tacks or rather to brass shells. I stand before you to-day, O ye mollycoddles, as the apostle of glorious crimson War. I can't understand why anybody would want peace, when war is so much nicer. Peace is too blamed mo notonous not enough excitement about it to suit me. War is such a fine interesting game, you know, and just think how much pretty red blood a fellow can get to see. I have been informed that cowards don't like to see blood, but I can say from personal experience that brave men like me just love it provided, of course, that it is some other man's blood. A cow ard sickens at the sight of torn and mulitated flesh, but a brave man liKe me just dotes on it pro vided, of course, that it is some other man's flesh. Be ashamed of yourselves, you skulking cowards! War is the life of a country, therefore let us have war. Let it be with Germany or anybody else that will agree to fight us. A man or a nation that is 'too proud to fight" deserves to be trampled in the dust and kicked around like a dog. And you fool mammies who are raising up families of boys, let me say this to you: don't train your boys to be such low-down things as farmers, mechanics, merchants preachers, poets, editors and statesmen. Them trades ain't re spectable. To be a soldier is the only respectable calling that open to young men. Mammies of America, hear me! It is your patroitic duty to raise not less than fifteen boys apiece, and teach every one of them to be soldiers Teach them that walking around with a loaded gun on their should (continued on last page) STRAINING AT GNATS 151 Gosh, what fool ideas some people can get wedged into their hat-pegs! In spite of the serious ness of the occasion, I can't help being amused at all this twaddle about what is lawful and what is unlawful in the conduct of war. For several months now we have been tearing our hair and -ipping our shirt-tails in our ef forts to convince Germany, Eng and and the rest of 'em that they are violating certain points of international law. International fiddlesticks! What n the thunder does any sort of law amount to in a time like this, when two-thirds of the world is engaged in breaking everything that is breakable, including heads and hearts? Why will we grant that nations have a legal right to raise hell, then quibble over the methods they use in getting it raised? We are told that certain kinds of bullets and certain methods of warfare are cruel and inhuman. As much as to sav that other bullets and other ways of killing are merciful and kind! Great Gods! When will the blind world get its eyes open? Common hoss sense ought to teach us that the finished product of war is so cruel, so repulsive and so terrible that no mere tool or method for doing the thing can make any difference. If I had to be marched out into a field and shot full of holes, I wouldn't care a snap whether the bullets were soft or hard, round, oblong or square. And I can't see that soaking them in cologne water before loading would help my case any. , If I had to be drowned, I would3 not care to stipulate that the water must be just so many feet deep, and that .it must carefully filtered to remove all germs and microbes. If some enemy should come by night and burn my house, it wouldn't comfort me nary bit to be told that he used only safety matches to start the fire. Hang-take-it-all, can't you see what I am driving at? The chief aim and object of war is to kill, mangle and destroy, and the mere details of HOW it shall be done are only of minor impor tance. But like people of old times, we still strain gnats and swallow camels. i : . -
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
Sept. 1, 1915, edition 1
1
Click "Submit" to request a review of this page. NCDHC staff will check .
0 / 75