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THIS PAPER, IN SPITE OP ITS NAME, DOES NOT BELIEVE IN KILLING PEOPLE.
VOLUME 7
BOOMER, NORTH CAROLINA, JUNE 1916.
NUMBER 2
Here We Come-Head Us!
Sing a song of conventions,
Candidates galore;
Some with bellies full of pie,
And all a-wanting more.
REPUBLICAN PRAYER.
Almighty, All Beardy and All
Judgy Master Hughes, houseest
us here at thy feet, and thou
knowest what brought us here.
Thou knowest that the changing
tides of politics have drifted us
I to thy feet, and now we loot unto
a i rfi j wt, ;0 thee as our political saviour.
And Ted-oh, where is he? u f T, ,
lviasitjr nugues, iiiuu nam,
Hughes upon the Elephait,
Whiskers flying free;
Wilson a-straddle of the Donk,
Hot times in the country now
Right along till fall;
Where do you and I come in?
Gosh, we PAY for it all.
James Larkin Pearson.
Home-Made FHosofy
Bi Unkel Pete.
A revolushun iz "truth crushed
tu urth" takin a nosbun she will
git up agin.
An onnist statesman k the nob
lest wurkovGod, but tha hain't
much ov a stock lef t on hand
about awl sold out, I gess.
Capital iz like a boy hoo haz
bin razed up bi his daddy an mam
my, an then wants tew turn them
out ov hous an home.
A krank iz a man hoo haz a
good idy , but the wurld iz tew la
zy tew find it out.
When a man begins tew ware a
plug hat, it iz .purty good evi
dence that he haz eggzausted every
uther meens ov caliin attenshun
tew his hed.
When a leeder -gits tew big fer
hiz breeches, it iz cheeper tew re
duce him a little than tew git him
a new pair.
A corporashun hazent got enny
sole, but it makes up fer this bi
havin more hands an pockets than
enny thing els on urth.
-wrr ... 1 IT
Weortenttew be so nara on
the devil, when we legalize the
same kind ov bizness he iz engaged
in.
A dandy iz a poor imitanun ov
' the male chicken, wnieh the cnick
en wud resent if it wuzent be-
neeth hiz dignity.
Poiitikalpi iz what a feller gits
when he swaps off hiz prinsipels.
The party that iz aulwaysprom-
isin an never .periormin need
sumthin moar than greese.
A Dimmvcrat iz a man hoo
- expected good times an got fooled.
gloriously delivered us f j om thp
b'oody jaws of Toothadore
Specksvelt, whom we formerly
worshipped even as we now
worship thee. 3n fact, if thouf
hadst not stepped in and delivered
us, we would now oe maKing xnis
prayer to him instead of to the e.
We thank thee, gre at Master
Hughes, for becoming our Moses
in this trying hour. We pray that
thou wilt take up thy judical staff
and smite the rock of politics and
make the water of victory flow
out. We have not tasted any of
that precious water for four years
now, and we are almost dying
with thirst for it.
And we pray thee, Master
Hughes, to pick up Woodpile by
the slack of the pants and rub his
nose in the mud of defeat. We are
depending on thee to lead us out
of this wilderr ess of hunger into
the promised land of political pie.
Yes, master, pie is what we want,
and we would endorse anything
or vote for anything for the sake
of pie. We don't know but mighty
little about the issues, and we
care less. If thou knowest what
will be popular enough to beat
the Democrats, just trot it out
and we'll stand for it. Likewise
yell for it ard vote for it. If thou
say est peace we will be the great
est peace folks on earth; and if
thou sayest preparedness, then
we will yell for that.
And now, dear master, since we
have placed ourselves in thy
hands, we pray that thou wilt
deliver us from our enemies and
protect us from our fool friends.
Fill us with official pie, then make
us a good soft bed in thy whisk
ers and let us go to sleep.
AMEN.
GREEN APPLES. Now our great statesmen don't
act with half as much sense as that
If the p'utocrats and war jin- honest old doctor. Here is a world
goes don't get rid of their little with a bad case of the belly-hurt,
waiting-boy, Woodpile, and hire a caused by eating the green apples
man who is a better hand to keep of boss-rule and private plunder,
secrets, bang-taked if he won't To remove the cause would cure
queer their whole cussed game the disease, just like it did in my
before long. case.
As an example of Woodpile's But Woodpile says he is not
carelessness in letting the truth "concerned" about the cause. Of
slip out now and then, let me call course not. He and his military
your attention to a speech he made advisers are afraid to discuss that
before an audience of Washington feature of the question. They
highbrews not long ago. Having themselves know the cause of this
been invited to plav a few ttt o aitH rf all move Vn 4-
I v 4 a , etui, vrx an n aiO) ' uuu uuuj
igs on his Princetonian jawbone, want to beep tbat in the back.
he took his text in the 'levnteenth groUnd. It furnishes too much good
chapter of the W ar and soon had juicy graf t f or their gang and they
nis montn leasing a sona steam COuldn't bear to see it removed.
oi stun line tnis: nu cnniro ;n Ai,,0ft tv v,o.
"With its causes and its obje2ts we such fellers as Woodoile cavortini?
are not concerned. The obscure foun-1 i I , , i
fcn frnm whinH it Rf.ntndoi, flnoH "ouna mg to sxopwe war, ana
x 1 i xi a: a-- l i
has burst forth we are not interested a same time rei using to iook
to search for or explore." for the cause that started it,
There you have it hot from the reminds me of the old fool who
skillet. Woodpile speaks for his had a leaky house. He held an
military masters, and he assures us umbrella over his family when it
that thev are not at all concerned rained instead of fixing the roof.
about the "obscure fountains" Yes, honey, the "obscure foun-
from which the great war burst tains" from which this war burst
upon the world. forth can be found in the cussed
But why not? One time when I commercial system that dominates
was a little bit of a dickens going thls world- A f w infernal hogs
in mv shirt tail I was taken with with nearly everything in their
an awful severe case of the bellv- posession, and lighting for the
Virt T'Viott conf. fnr fVo rlrwf.ni I Test.
All people who are not fools
will subscribe for The Fool-Killer
as soon as they see a copy. Put
yourself on the wise side by com
ing across with the price. Fork
it over, boys, and enjoy the fun.
He came and looked me over and
asked me what was the matter. I
told him there was a 40-horse
power pain across the small end of
my misery.
llr-v " ... V .
vo you want tne pain remov
ed?" asked the doctor.
"Do I?
Green apples 1
Let's cut 'em out.
It's doggon funny how the rich
folks are always talking about
"the blessings of poverty." In the
eyes of a person who never tried
Just try me and see," it poverty may seem like a "bless-
says I, doubling up with another in g," but when a feller hasstrug-
spasm of pain. gled through it for an average
Ain't you been eating green life-time it don't look so alluring.
apples?" says he. Anynow, tne ricn aevns seem
4vYes," says I, kinder sheepish- willing enough for the poor to
like. enjoy all the pleasures of that
Well," says the doctor, "you great "blessing."
just let them green apples alone
and your pain will soon be gone. Say, you silly one-gallus boob,
That's all the treatment you need. will our American intervention in
Good-by. I at j vnn jo tt
Now whatdid thatdoctor do? MLW uu . T ve
Why, hang-take it, he went to you got anything down there to
digging right after the CAUSE of protect? No, drot your measley
my trouble, that's what he did. skin, you ain't. Then who will
And there was sound sense in it. benefit by American intervention?
He might have doctored me a Why, the American millionaires
month and let me go on eating who have vast holdings in Mexico!
green apples and I would have Gee, ain't you just itching to go
died. But he removed the cause down there and bleed and die to
and I was soon well. protect THEIR property?
(