25 Cents
a Year
15 Cents
In Clubs
of Five
r More,
When you
get hold of
something
good, pass
it around.
Send in a
big club.
no
THIS PAPER, IN SPITE OF ITS NAME, DOES NOT BELIEVE IN KILLING PEOPLE,
VOLUME 7
BOOMER, NORTH CAROLINA, SEPTEMBER 1916.
NUMBER 4
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WHEN THE WAR IS GOING TO EIvD.
Absolute knowledge have I none,
Rit mv aunt's washerwoman's sister's
son
Heard a policeman on his beat
Say to a laborer on the street
That he had a letter just last week
(Written in Latin or was it Greek?)
From a Chinese, coolie in Timbuctoo
Who said the niggers in Cuba knew
Of a colored man in a Texas town
Who got it straight from a circus
Clown
That a man in Klondike heard the
news
From a gang of South American Jews
About somebody in Borneo
"Who heard of a man who claimed to
know
Cf a swell society female rake
Whose mother-in-law will undertake
To prove that her seventh husband's
niece
Has stated in a printed piece
That she has a son who has a friend
ITho knows when the war is going to
end.
James Larkin Pearson.
JUST YOU AND ME.
Uncle Sam's Tin-Type.
One time there was a Fool
He was a powerful smart Busi-
, ,ness Fool.
ThisFool lived on a little Farm
And worked very hard
Raising Something to Eat.
His crops did well
And his harvests were abundant
He gathered great quantities
Of grain and fruit and vege
tables Plenty to keep for himself
And some to spare.
So he very wisely sold
The surplus to his neighbors.
But the Fool was not satisfied.
He wanted More Money.
He seemed to think Money
Was the only thing needed
To sustain Life.
So he went ahead and sold the
balance
Of the Food Supply that he had
made.
He got great piles of Gold for it.
But when he had cpunted over
his Gold . . . ' .
A- great many times,
He -was afterwards hungry
But he looked about him, and,
behold !
There was nothing to eat!
The neighbors found him
About a week afterwrards
Half buried in a pile, of Gold
and Silver,
Perished to death.
FOR WIMMEN ONLY".
"What The Fool-Killer said of
Wilson's last speech-making trip
is now equally true of the Hews
effort it fell on the public car
just like dropping a hunk of rye
dough into a cold skillet.
Explorer Stefansson, who is in
the Polar regions, has decided not
to return to civilization this sea
son. Good reason for it he don't
know of any place on earth where
he could find any civilization.
Dear Comrades:
- Please lend me your ears. 1 will
return them in about five minutes.
I've got something important to
tell you, and i want it to stick in
your memory like a cuckleburr in
a mule's tail.
Now listen! You know The
rooHrviller has been running a
little behind schedule time all
summer, and one issue was entire
ly knocked out by the great Flood
that visited this section in July.
I am very sorry these things had
to be so, but it couldn't b'e helped.
I have done the very best 1 could
under the circumstances.
Now some of the things that
bothered and hindered me are off
my hands, and I can begin to see
my wTay clear to push business
more than I have been doing.
However, there is still one
great big booger standing in the
path and it don't show any dis
position to get out. ;That is the
Paper Panic. Print paper is still
climbing Jacob's ladder about
four steps at a jump. All papers
and magazines everywhere are
doubling up their subscription
prices, and The Fool-Killer may
have to do the same in the very
near future.
But before raising the price, if
it should become necessary, I
want to give everybody a fair
chance to come in on the present
price, and those who run the risk
of having to pay more later will
have only themselves to blame.
Tell everybody and send word
to the rest that if they want The
Fool-Killer at the present price
(lo cents m clubs of five or more)
they had better rush in their
clubs pretty quick. I can't guar
antee this price longer than the
15th of November. It may remain
the same after that, and it may
not, so you better not . risk it.
Keep on the safe side, folkses, by
hurrying in your clubs of five or
more at 15 cents a year each be
fore November 15. Then you will
be solid for another vear at least.
And at the same time you will be
making The Fool-Killer more
solid by giving it your financial
support and encouragement, I willl
make the paper still better and
get it to you more promptly in
spite of all the paper trust can do
if you will just keep on squirt
ing the oil of cash into the cog
wheels of this-here sanctum.
Now don't forget about this. It
means a great deal to all of us.
Show this piece to everybody you
see and hustle up as many big
clubs as you can right quick.
Yours from the ground up,
JAMES L. PEARSON.
Oh, say, take off your hat and
sit down long enough to hear this
great and glorious chunk of re
ligious V news that has just come
in by wireless freight.
Billy Sunday lias broke his
t'uther gallus and sprung a new
sensation. Yes, Billy has rum
maged around in the dark corners
of his vulgar soul and scared up
enough new scandal to make a
RURAL CREDIT BUNK.
Hellp, you good old gullible
hayseed farmers! Haven't you
noticed a tarnation big improve
ment in your feelings lately?
Sure !
But you ain't got the least idea
what causes it, have you?
Well, just keep your ambear
spout closed a minute and I'll tell
you.
The High-Mucks at Washington
'Sermon for Wimmen Only", and have recently passed a new law
ie is pulling it off about every so known as the Farm Loan Bill, or
often in the presence of as many Rural Credits Act, which is guar-
female wimmen as he can crowd I anteed to make rivers of molasses
into his religious stockade. flow through every farmer's yard,
''For Wimmen Only!' with both banks lined with flitter-
Don't that jar the foundations trees all ready for shaking.
of your modesty? Hereafter, when a poor tenant-
But it's just like the dear wTim- farmer gets in a tight place and
men to bite at that kind of a bait, needs money to pay his debts and
The first announcement of it got support his family, the process of
their f curiosity aroused and they getting it will be very simple. In
wouldn't have missed it for a new the first place, he will have to go
hat with two rooster feathers on through the mere formality ot
it. Of course they expected to getting able to buy a farm. Per
hear something that wouldn't be haps he has worked for years try
fit for men-folks to listen at, and ing to do that very thing and
I guess they did. never could reach it. But now I
Men are so pure-minded and reckon some sort of hbodoo charm
innocent, you know, and Billy has is going to make it easy for him.
to be mighty careful how he talks Anyway, there is no provision
before them so as not to corrupt for him to get any money from
their morals. the Land Bank until he becomes
But the very nature of the case a land-owner. And it looks lika.
demands that Billy must have a slim chance for him to become
some chance to take the brakes a land-owner until he gets some
off of his gab-trap and say the money. At that rate, when will
veiy worse that is in him. Hence he ever get anywhere ? . In the
his ' 4 Sermon For Wimmen Only." language of Taft, "God konws!"
Gee-whiz! Don't you suppose But Wilson says it can be done,
that is a glorious mess? And and if Wilson has lied I ean't help
wouldn't you like for YOUfe wife, it.
sister or sweetheart to be housed And so when the poor strug
up with that bow-legged buck and gling tenant-farmer, has lifted
listening to a tirade of bawdy- himself up by his own boot-straps
house bluster and baseball slang until he gets where he don't need
that you were not allowed to any help, then here comes the
hear? Land Bank and says, 4 'Please,
The wimmen who go to hear Mister, let me loan you some
such stuff and the men who allow money!"
them to go ought to all be hitched vOh, it is a great piece of bunk
up to a hog-pen on wheels and legislation, and besides refusing
driven through town by a bob- to help those who need help worst,
tailed monkey. the new law is expected to drive
. up the cows and cut stove-wood
One on Mother Nature. lor the rich.
And that's what's making you
Smart men in different ages of feel so good, you durned old fools
the world have often pointed out you.
where Nature had made mistakes. '
But the Evening Spasm gives the "We do not believe that either
latest new on the subject. It party has a monopoly on demo
says that Sammy Diddle Wash- cracy, or that Mr. Hughes is one
pan, who is trying to become whit more likely to become the
famous, has sugested to Nature tool of predatory 'wealth than Mr.
that instead of making bullfrogs Wilson," says the New Yovk In
out of tadpoles, it would be better dependent. Why, bless your giz
to just make catfish out of them, zard, nobody is expecting either
He says that a tadpole has a tail, Wilson or Hews to BECOME the
anyway, and when he is made into tools of predatory wealth. They
a frog he loses the tail. And as have already done so. Wouldn't
the catfish has a tail, it could be it sound odd to hear a preacher
left on the tadpole and have a use warning his flock that the Devil
for it. was liable to BECOME bad?
t