Newspapers / The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, … / Oct. 1, 1916, edition 1 / Page 1
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25 Cents a Ytar 15 Cents in Clubs of Five cr More. When you get hold of something good, pass it around. Send in a big club. THIS PAPER, IN SPITE OF ITS NAME, DOES NOT BELIEVE IN KILLING PEOPLE. VOLUME 7 BOOLIEB, NORTH CAROLINA, OCTOBER 1916. NUMBER 5 Fool-Kt PC -fi n i ill 1 1 irfriiiiiH-ai YES, I'M SOME PREACHER MYSELF. A preacher is usually judged by the size of his audience, and if be can get four or five hundred of the brethren and sisteren out to hear him toot his gospel horn once or twice a month, he thinks be is a pretty bang-up preacher. And each member of the flock is expected to shell out a dollar or two about every so often to help grease the gospel gimlet. That's all very nice -arid proper, no doubt, and I haven t a word to say against it ; out wnat i start- oh. er is indeed bv the size of his audience, then I am some preach- er myself, for I am preaching nee a month to an audience of oyer 50,00 people. And I don't give them just one little sermon and quit,4ike the other' preachers do, but I stay and preach sixor Teight good sermons on every trip. Arid then just think of the price ! Your preacher thinks you are mighty stingy and close-fisted i-p trni-i Ann '-f flfl'PaOo Vll VkAnlrp-f f f the tune of ten of fifteen dollars No, no, Mister Smart Ehck! If a year, and ho will not get mad if thl?k The Fool-Killer has you double or treble the amount. ever one word against the But I give you more preaching trne religion genuine Christiani and better preaching than he does ty you'd better take your think- for only 25 cents a year; and if er lo.xn oiainuu anop you'll hitch up the wagon and ave it cleaned out and repaired, bring several of your neighbors -to The thlnS thls old sm-soak-meeting with you, you can all get fd earth needs most and has the your year's preaching for fifteen, east of genuine old-fashioned, cents apiece. - honest Christian" religionthe Now, can you beat that for a kln that can take a low-down be bargain? I think not. There has sotted wretch, a drunkard, a never been so much good preach- thief lawyer, a deacon, or even ing offered so cheap beforehand a. congressman, and tranform if you ever expect to get the bim mt a decent critter. There euckleburrs of sin curried out of used to. be that kind of religion your mane, now is the time. The on ear.th and I am convmcedthat currycomb of truth which I use ere is a little of it yet, but it is n romavp tiiA. Knm and also getting so scarce that mighty loosen up the bark on you old . hidfthmmH sinnprs. Tf mav hurt considerably, and you may have to Rmurm and .twist HVa 'flvflJmn- dred, but it will be good for you. Dplnv k nwrmia o rlon't nnt, it off, but buy your tickets to-day w.ld half-bushel of seed for a year's admittance into "The tlck? be worth m mafang Pool-Killer" church and ten all family Pie- The Fool-KiUer your neighbors to do likewise does. condemn the modern Mam Help me to get the biggest con- mmuzed churches for their hifalu gregation of any preacher that m formahty m which there is has ever opened his mouth be- about as much true christi- tween the two oceans. anty as there is guts in a miU; stone. Ten million bushels of wheat If this world is ever lifted up going to Europe every week to and transformed into a decent feed the soldiers and prolong the world, the spirit of true Christi- war. And ten million people rignt anity must do it. There is no here at home who will starve for other power that can.. But the that wheat next winter. We are churches of to-day are largely committing a double crime, and filled up with white-washed hypo- still have the gall to pose as a "great Christian nation!" Eter- nal shame on such pretended vnnstianity I LET'S CUT HIM OPEN AND SEE. Doctor Think, lie thought the patient had a dislocated hip; Docto-r Smart was very certain he was suffering wiJ ' grip; Doctor Guess then diagnosed it as a swimming in the head; Doctor Stuff said nothing ailed him, only he'd been underfed. Doctor Gash said: "Well, by grannies, seeing that we can't agree, Let's cut him open and see." Doctor lug pronounced it meascls, Doctor Quack, he said consumption Doctor Puff had every reason to Doctor Blow declared his stomach Doctor Gash rolled up his sleeves, "Let's cut him open ut LUl x m IJ-l,cvcu iwiniu doctor aquiu said it was nooKworm, eaiignt by wamng in the mud; Doctor Doubt said fits or fever, and he weren't quite certain which; Doctor Claw said it was nothing Doctor Gash said: "You 'uns hold Let's cut him open and BRASS-BAND HYPOCRITES. few P?Ple ever Set to see t Operation. s fine fiddle-diddle sort of religion that is so popular and so plenty everywhere is worth about as much toward redeeming a crites who can kiss you on the lips and then turn and stab you in the back before you have time to wipe xneir nasty sioDDer on. pointing to the patient tongue; had destroyed the fellow's lung; believe it was the gout; simply needed cleaning out and with authority spake he and see." a milllul m nis uiuwi; but the plain, old-fashioned itch; 'im! Hand that carving knife to see. -JAMES LARKIN PEARSON. fm.-i i i p A . i i xnat Kma O! cauie are to umme for the great wave of nnbelief max is sweeping over me earm. A 1 i jl .1 iiiosc on xue ouisiae are not so much to blame for being doubters. They know very well that most of uie so-cauea religion, tney see around them is a rank humbug, and they naturally conclude that it s all alike From their worldly stanapomt tney are not aoie to SG6 tile QlllCreilCe, If the churches of America would practice what they preach tor just one week, can you guess what would happen ? Why, bless your mortified gizzard, the red- eyea sinners woiua De as uiick things standing up in the pres around the altar as tramps around ence of God and man and declar- a tree lunch counter, inere would ne more dirty Knees tnan you ever saw Deiore, and enougn tears 01 repentance shed to wash up all the ambear that the amen deacons have squirted over the floor. Yes, sir, give us the genuine oid-iasnioneci unristianity in "I 1 t t 1 iNI . great hunks -the more the better but Lord deliver us from this modern man-made mongrel mess of moral mush dished out by a bunch of brass-band hypocrites- The Fool-Killer does not give premiums to club-raisers. 13ut instead of that, it puts the prem- ium money into giving, you a better naner. Mv Jriends love to get up clubs just for the fun of it, and for the good they can do. They are not so little and stingy that they have to have a premium' ' every time they speak a word for me. Are you that kind of a friend? If so. please let me hear from you with a big club. Mister Puff and Miss Slobber. Old Man Time, as he jogs along, spills out of his leathei apron many wonders. But nothing caps the stack like the things that happen when an able-bodied case of forty-rod low gets breeches-holt on a couple of natural-born fools. Sufficient proof that God is all powerful is the fact that He can find mates for some folks that marry. Nothing short of Omnipo tence co) d do it. It was my luck, not long ago, to witness a scene that would make Cupid crawl in a hole and give Old Harry the blind stag- eTS t saw a love-smitten pair pre- sent themselves before a dieni fied J. P. for the purpose of get - ting their feet hobbled in the saw-briers of matrimony. The groom was about half aruns and staggard m Durtinsr a cigarette that smelled like burn- xntf Tiooc-haiv in n slcillpt TTi ricrnt I & o " hrpph ps Ipct whplfc running whoTnnftrffft11in aftrftRa ; from th I X O " ' south-east three holes and one r;n 1,00 npn np f Anwn And the hride was one holy siffht Her f ace couW not DOSsibiv iavp hplH flnv mnrt nt,iinm lirj. less it had been made bigger She carried in her left hand a snuff- box that would h0ld something I 1ac ViaTi o rvollnn WViiln win hn i,pr fflPA was dpftnrt with two streaks of brown slobber and a handspike that did service as a tooth-brush imagine that pair of purty fog that they loved each other! But they did it, all right. Yes, they stood there side by side While the knot was being tied; That old stinker he did puff, While she dipped that nasty snuff. There they made their solemn vows To indulge in family rows, And to work at least enough To buy cigarettes and snuff. Now I'm satisfied in mind Its a blessing Love is blind; If he'd seen that pair, no doubt He'd have spewed his innards out. And the dignified J. P. rose and said : "Mr. Cigarette, will you take tnis Toothbrush to be your awful and areaaea wile, to smell to- gether in the rotton estate of mattery noses, to Keep ner m sicimess ana snuff, to shove and perish her as long as ye both snaii nve ow tnereiore, 1 pronounce you puff and snuff now and iorever, world without end amen, and may the Lord nave mercy on your poor tool souisr
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
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Oct. 1, 1916, edition 1
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