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THIS PAPER, IN 8PITBOF TS NAME. DOES NOT BELIEVE IN KILLING PEOPLE.
fOLUME 7
BOOMER, NORTH CAROLINA, NOVEMBER 1916.
NUMBER 8
Fool K
O
MONET TO LOAN.
Oh, "Money to Loan
is a common
sign;
It everywhere greets these eyes of
mine.
There's money to loan to the mer
chant-prince
When bad collections have made him
wince.
There's money to loan to the farmer
bold
Who owns wide acres of fertile mold;
Who keeps a hundred blooded cows,
And rides on a tractor when he plows.
There's money to loan to most any
skate
Who has aboundance of real estate,
Or hogs or cattle, or bonds or stocks,
To be security for the rocks.
There's money to loan if you're cut
ting ice;
There's money to loan if you have the
price;
But not a plunk, nor a dollar's ghost,
To loan to people who need it most!
Mason and Me.
A SOCIETY OBITUARY.
From mv esteemed contem
porary, The Rebel, I learn that-
the untimely death of Miss Vera
Yueeless, only daughter of Mr.
and Mrs. Wursen Yueeless, was
an event of more than usual in
terest in the society news of the
week.
Miss Yueeless" was one of last
year's debutantes, and her coming-out
party was considered at
the time' to be one of the most ex
travagantly eleborate and waste
ful that ever graced the columns
of a society page.
The Yucelesses are one of the
most prominent families in Ameri
ca. Lord Howe Yueeless, one of
the most distinugished and re
spected ne'er do-wells of his time,
came over in 1640. In the Revolu
tionary "War, Commodore Moore
N. Yueeless distinguished himself
by being opposed to independ
ence until he realized that the
American forces were triumphant
and then he came out as one of the
original exponents of freedom.
Since that time his descendants
have kept up the Yueeless tradi
tion as staunch and patriotic sons
and daughters of the American
Revolution.
Mr. Wursen Yueeless, who is
one of our leading magnates and
financiers, is naturally proud of
his name- Other well-known mem
bers of the Yueeless family who
nave ngured prominently in
society events are Miss Remayne
iYuceless, and Messrs. Ever Wazz
and Will B. Yueeless.
The funeral services, which
were held at the Church of the
Sanctified Securities, were a
splendid triumph of expensive
ornate and well-bred gloom.
A SERMON ON KISSING.
By Robert Quillen.
There's no telling who invent
ed the art of kissing, but it is a
safe assertion that no other in
ventor ever saw his example so
universally adopted or so "gosh
awfully" enjoyed.
Kissing is a pleasure, a habit,
; an ecstacy, a duty, a sin, a crime
depending altogether on the cir
cumstances. Kissing a baby is about the
sweetest kissing on earth, but it's
mighty hard on the baby. He
gets such a lot of it. Pretty girls
kiss him; married women kiss
him; old bachelors kiss him
everybody's doing it. If he were
big enough to assert himself he
wouldn't stand for it, not all of
it, anyway. But, then, if he were
bigger no one would care to kiss
him.
Kissing a girl whose lips are
like warm velvet and whose
cheeks are as soft as the dove 's
breast would be about the niftiest
thing on earth, except for the fact
that no one gets to kiss that kind
of a girl except raw boys
who haven't learned how to kiss.
Kissing one's wife is about as
near perfect enjoyment as a mere
mortal need hope to get. But it s
a custom not universally follow
ed. Some men never kiss their
wives- And of course some men
kiss other men's wivea . The man
who dosen't kiss his wife at least
ten times a day dosen't deserve
her. The woman who dosen't
want to be kissed at least ten
times a day dosen't deserve a
husband. And yet, if the old man
keeps a quid of cut plur in m
jaw, the wife who stands for ten
kisses a day deserves a halo and a
cushioned seat alongside Job in
the New Jerusalem.
There are many ways to kiss.
A Iittje baby merely opens its
mouth and slobbers. A' coy w'v
en closes her eyes and lips tight
and lets some one else do the kiss
ing. An old maid ties her lips into
a hard knot and pecks at the vic
tim like a wood-pecker. An old
bachelor puckers up and smacks
like the dredge of a steamshovel.
Wives real wives kiss like the
lingering clasp of hands between
men friends who know how to
love. And mothers? Ah, mothers
kiss like the soft beating of
angels' wings like the soothing
notes of some celestial harp
through the twilight like God's
benediction whispered over one's
bowed head.
If you want a few shares in the
Republican party, you can buy
them pretty cheap now.
A SERMON TO THE DOCTORS.
Hello, Doc! I know you are a
clever old humbug, and I can't
help but like you, but the objeet
of this sermon is to find out what
you are good for?
Set down your colored water
and bread pills on that-thar stump
and let's talk awhile-
You look like a sensible man,
and maybe you know a right
smart, but what can you do?
That's the question.
You pretend like you can just
almost raise the dead with one
mighty shake of your drotted
ittle pill-box, and here you go
galloping over the country, "pour
ing sick people full of slop and
collecting big fees, and when one
lappens to get well anyhow, you
swell out your well-fed belly and
exclaim: "Behold what I did
with my. little pillbox!"
And the worst of it is that so
many of the people believe you.
They just think if they can get
tanked up on about six gallons of
your Doodlebug Draps they will
soon be able to pick up a bull by
the tail and throw him over the
barn.
Poor pitiful plugs! They don't
know any better, I reckon. But
you diked up doctor doinses
you know better. You know that
nine-tenths of your belly-wash
ain't worth the rain-water and
poke-berries it takes to make it.
You know if you was half dead
you would fight a circle saw be
fore vou would take your own
medicine.
But this drug-doping devilment
is a fine full tit for you pill-pouch
parasites, and of course you won't
turn loose till you are choked
loose.
It's a puzzle to me the way you
fellers operate, anyhow. Other
people don't get pay for doing a
piece of work unless they do it.
When I pay the grocer for a sack
of floor I expect to gett flnr
When I hire a man to build a
house or dig a well, I expect him
to do the work otherwise he
gets no pay.
But you doctor fellers must
have pay for looking wise and
making a blind, staggering guess
at something. Hit or miss, it's
all the same price. Funny busi
ness I call it.
Suppose I wade in a mud. pud
die and get the hookies, or eat
too many cabbages for dinner
and have a pain across the small
end of my misery. I call in the
doctor man and tell him there
seems to De sometning wrong
with my 17-jewelled innards.
and I want something done for
myself right forthwithabus. He
sets down his hog-hide hamper -
sack, looks cross-eyed at fhA
mole on my lip, and says :
"Ok, you've got a bad case oX
Extemporanimus Obstrepidoodle,
Damfino. Drink a gallon of this
medicine every firteen minutes
till you either die or get well..
Ten dollars, please."
REMARKS OP THE HUMORIST,
A fork is supposed to leak.
Time will cure snoring, but it's
got to be day time.
One of the best possible places
to enjoy a vacation is somewhere
else.
Beauty is only skin deep, but
the envy it creates strikes to the
marrow.
Men who live from hand to
mouth get most of it on their
vests.
Battles could be considerably
shortened by fighting in the last
ditch first.
Even if a watch is out of fix, it
is always possible to tell day and
night on it.
When a woman misses her
thumb with the hammer she gene
rally hits the tack.
It is said to be mighty hard to
drink a hard-boiled egg through a
straw. . -
If it wasn't for fishermen the
fish would live forever, as it is im
possible to drown them.
A jury is a body of men ap"
pointed to say which side has the
smartest lavyer.
Some men marry poor girls and
settle down, while others marry
rich girls and settle up.
The cry of "turn the rascala
outr' is often raised by othe$
rascals who want to get in
It is all a mistake about women,
not being able to take a joke. Just
look at the. things some of them
marry.
Scientists have been unable to
find out how a worm spends its
time while waiting for the chest
nut season to open.
By camping' 'out behind the
chimney and rubbing poision ivy
on yourself, it is possible to secure
an exact duplicate of a summer
vacation at one-tenth the cost.
The Durned Socialist was ap
proached the other day by a
stranger who extended his hand
and said: "Good morning, sir I
Your face has a familiar look .
where in he'l have I seen you be
fore ?" "I dont know," replied
the Durned Socialist. "What part
of hell are you from, anyhow."
I am as well satisfied as I ever
expect to be in this old wicked
J WOrld. How are you?