Newspapers / The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, … / Dec. 1, 1916, edition 1 / Page 1
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25 Cents a Year 15 Cents in Clubs of Five or More. When you get hold of something good, pass it around. Send in a big club. THIS PAPER, IN SPITE OF ITS NAME, DOES NOT BELIEVE IN KILLING PEOPLE. VOLUME 7 BOOMER, NORTH CAROLINA, DECEMBER 1916. NUMBER 7 g iSa,!g"B i-;- ALL FOOLS TOGETHER Sing a song of foolishness, laughing stocks and cranks! The more there are the merrier; come and join the ranks! Life is dry and stupid; whoop her up a hit! Donkeys live in clover; bray and throw a fit! Don't take yourself in earnest, never stop to think : Strut and swagger boldly, dress in red and pink; Prate of stuff and nonsense, get your self abused; Some one's got to play the fool to keep the crowd amused! Let me laugh at you, then you can laugh at me; Then we'll josh together everything we see; Everyone's nincompoop to another's views; Laughter makes the sun .shine! Whoop-te-doodle-do ! A SERMON ON POETRY. Up jumps the preacher agin, by granniz. , And if you-all don't ob ject, he will now proceed to chaw up a few cubic yards of at mosphere talking about 4 4 Poet- y." - . - " Say, I reckon most of you are acquainted, with the fact that your humble servant sometimes breaks out with a bad case of poetry when there happens to be no other disease handy. But, thank goodness, I never have had the disease as bad as some of these-here 1 'new poets" that are taking the day and most of the night here lately. Honest ly, the funniest, thing th'at has happened in the literary world since I got old enough to read is the present 1 'new poetry" fad. "Why, bless yer gizzard, honey, these-here "new poets" have done gone and kicked the old masters down into the- cellar among the rotten Waters and old shoes, and have set up a new poetic standard of their own. They have- taken Rhyme and Meter by their respec tive tails and slapped their heads off against a polyrcthmic . saplm. They have taken the shoe from the Petic Foot and turned it out plum bare-footed. In fact, they have played general smash with all the time-honored rules and and customs of Poetry, ancl the new thing they have given us in its place don't fit my conception of poetry any better than a leath er-wing bat's hide would fit snow-bird. It makes me feel like we have swapped a nightingale for a tin whistle that had been stepped on by a club-footed cow. The "new poetry" looks like the grandmother of a crosscut saw, and sounds like the howl of a lost dog at midnight. It strikes me as being the work of a gang pi literary cobblers who are ambi tious to be known as poets, but are either too ignorant or too lazy to conform to the old rules. Hence they-are trying Jo run a great bluff on us and make us believe that their sway-backed silly stuff is real poetry. They want us to believe that their lack of form is in fact a new form, and that it takes quite as much poetic skill to master it as the old forms. But it ain't so,sweetheart.There is nothing to it. I hereby, chal- enge any new poet to tnis test:: Let one of them grind out his very best effort in that line. Let him divide it up into long lines and short lines just as he thinks it ought to be, according to the rules of his new system. Ihen I will take it and write it out in plain prose form. Then I will ask some other "new poet" wno has not seen it in its first form to turn it back into "new poetry", divid ing it into lines exactly like the first poet wrote it. I'll bet my tuther breeches against your Aunt Smdy s corset that it can t be done. Furthermore, I will take a pair of tin scissors and a Gov ernment Report on the Cattle Tick in Texas, and in five minutes I can clip out and paste together as good a new poem'7 as any of em can write between now and next lassy-makin time. A TIP FOR FORD. Our friend Ellis 0. Jones has given Henry Ford some mighty good advice. He says if Henry wants to become a real success in life he must-study the highly pertected methods of John D. Rockefeller- Let him go to New Jersey, Colorado, and other .Rockefeller dominions, and ob serve how spleLdidly Mr. Rocke feller manages his help. The trouble with Mr. Ford is that he possess the fatal faculty of getting along too well with his men. He is too liberal with them."- This makes them so annoyingly happy that they never want to strike, and so they furnish the authorities no excuse for shooting them down. Mr. Ford should mend his ways. He will never get rich if he keeps that up. Over and above the considera tion of any one class should be the welfare of the whole people If a few speculators or even a few producers get rich on war traffic while the whole American nation suffers , for food is it right? -is it justice? The way Ted delivered the Pro gressive vote to Hughes was sort er like a man trying to tote water in a siifeer. He didn't get there with much of it. - WOW! OUCH! Hank-take . the sarn-f etched, low-down, lousy, lamper-jawed, leer-eyed, liberty-hating lollops who are trying to muzzle the Great American Press As if the newspapers and maga zines jwere not being hit hard enough by the paper trust, now here comes a set of puffed-up pea nut politicians and sawed-off scrubs of scallowag statesmen and threaten to hit us poor editors another knock-out blow by rais ing the postage rates on us. bo they are going to git us a- goin' and a-comin what does it meaiv folkses? Looks to me a ti mal-nation sight like some unseen power in our government or behind it has made up its mind to utterly crush out and destroy the newspaper profession in this country. That power whatever it is is oppos ed to intelligence and don't want the people to keep informed. It thinks the people are reading and studying- too much getting too well posted on the skin-games em ployed against them and it is necessary to cut off their main source of intelligence -in order to keep them in the dark. That the power or influence wich has run up the price of paper is the same power or influ ence which is now trying to run up the second class postage rates, nobody can doubt for a minute. The methods are the same, and the object is the same. Somebody in this country considers it their business to wreck the newspapers. But who ? That the question. .But shore as you are born, honey, "that's just what we are up against. These enemies of free speech and free press are working overtime to silence every free press in America. If they can't do it by thribblmg the price of paper, then they'll slip up on the blind side of us and soak it to us in the postage bill. Going to make us pay about six prices for postage to send out our papers, after having already paid three prices for the white paper to start with. Who but an enemy , of enlightenment could suggest such a rotten scheme? "Who except an unholy combination of Devils and Dollars could be mean enough to do it? But say, honey, I want you to get this as straight as my old au tomatic word-gun can squirt at you : The Fool-Killer is hot goin or to be. bluffed nor scared by any such business. They can make i harder for The Fool-Killer to live and they can finally kill it if they keep on; but when it dies there won't be many other papers left.; Why, blame it all, if they push me, to it, I can pay ten cents a pound for paper and an average of five cents a pound for postage, and still run this red-hot rag of rebels lion right along. And I can do i1? without raising the subscription price of the paper, too. Sayf honey, suppose you cut loose and become a regular club-getter foE this fool paper ! Send in as many big clubs as you can at 15 cents a, year each, and 1 11 be moderately, durned if I don't keep 'em awake or twelve months, anyhow. PARAGRAPHS. I am coming to believe that here may be hope for the coun try yet. At least five congress men and two U. S. Senators have begun to read The Fool-Killer. The Fool-Killer is still a little behind, but it is coming in a trot About next month it'll have old Daddy Time by the chin whiskers making him yell for the police, Look out! If the human race finally de stroys itself in war and deponu- lates the earth so that God has to re-stock the old ball of mud, if I was Him I'd try tabby cats or white rabbits next time. Papers all over the world are copying things, from The Fool- Killer. An exchange just receiv ed from farraway Australia plays up one of my pieces in big type. Reckon I'm glad? Well, sorter One good way to reform the Children would be for their dadieg and mammies to quit being so con foundedly, hyocritically, cussed- ly rotten mean. Am, I talking to you? The Washington Herald reports that Villa has been passing off the time lately by getting married. Provided she was in a good strong iron cage, I would like to take a look at the woman who would marry Villa. s." i -. - i -- . What's this I hear about the war going to stop, maybe ? Gosh, don't you know that would most kill dear old Morgan and his gang of profiteers? - Do tell 'em to keep on fighting, for Morgan's sake. It ain't nary bit of wonder to me that Harper's Weekly went up the spout and petered out. Even The Fool-Killer would soon go to smash if it had such a crazy cuss as old Norman Hapgood to pour his putrid political paliver i through its pnlnrnnQ
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
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Dec. 1, 1916, edition 1
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