25 Cents
a Yt ar
id Cento
ill Clubs
61? Five
oir More.
When yon
get hold ol
something
good, pasa
it around.
Send in a
big club.
U
THIS PAPER, IN SPITE OF ITS NAME. DOES NOT BBiUEVE IN. KILLING PEOPLE
VOLUME 1
BOOMED, NORTH CAROLINA, MARCH, 1917.
NUMBER 10
Why Not!
If a female duke is a. duchess,
Would a female spook be a spuchess?
And if a male goose is a gander,
Then would a male moose be a
mander
If the plural of child is children,
Would the plural of wild be wildren?
If a number of cows are cattle,
Would a number of tows be battle?
If a man who makes plays is a play
wright, Would a man who makes hay be a
haywright?
If a person who fails is a failure,
Would a person who quails be a
quailure?
If the apple you bite is bitten,
Would the battle you fight be fitten?
And if a young cat is a kitten,
Then would a young rat be a rittent
If a person who spends is a spend
thrift, Would a person who lends be a leng
th rift?
If drinking too much makes a drunk
ard, Would thinking too much make a
thunkard?
ADAM'S RIB.
"And the Lord caused a , deep
sleep to fall upon Adam," etc.,
etc., etc. So that was the way of
it! Well, we won't quarrel with
the ways and means, nor the
whenceness of the where. Inspira
tion is silent as to the kind of
anaesthetic used to quiet the kicks
of Uncle Adam. It is enough for
us to know that a quietus of suf
ficient magnitude was brought
A SERMON ON SHOES. nished actuality that the hides o
the partes, suitably tanned, would
Some consarned, contemptible make good leather. Also the hide
critter has smeared a lot of Lord- of the brindle jass-ack (two- limb-what-shall-we-do-now
stulf over ed variety) is almost equal to
the front page of an exchange cow-hide.
telling us that owing to the war Shoes! God save the markl
and the scarcity of hides, etc., Let's not worry over such trifles
we'll all be bare-fcbted as gees'e as shoes!
in a few months, and, lo ! the
price of a pair of shoes-will be
around $30,00, or maybe more.
One of my neighbors, a long-
Who Are the Traitors?
The Fool-Killer office owns three
Oliver typewriters and is thinking 61
buying another one or tvtfo besides
the one that is going to be given away.
about while Jehovah removed the gammoned, easy-going cuss, caine 'Tiley are sreat value, especially whea
f hi siHp jmd n thfi A far- 4W iv, h a.naiv! Uiem given W you.
language of the poet, 4 fashioned ; over the shoe question. 1 told
a rib into a beautiful and lovely J him shoes could be made of satin,.
bride.
And I say unto you that consi-
velvet, canvas or broadcloth, and
soled with "Neolin " the new
dering the raw material and the substitute for leather.
expenditure, the finished product
surpasses anything yet evoived.
When we contemplate what a con
fection and invention and piece
of perfection is woman, we un
hesitatingly pronounce this rib-
product far beyond even Edison's
But he wants leather shoes.
That's the way with the fool
poor f olkst Always wanting
something. Some of them have
even dared assert that we ought
to have - decent food, warm
AMERCIA'S ENEMIES.
Look here, by cracky! Speak
ing of America's enemies, how
does this look to your glass eye!
In the same issue of the same
paper appeared the following two
news items from : ew York:
First news item-
"A bread riot! Sdveral hun
dred women, many of them with
clothes, and even a little . happi- babies in their arms, storming the.
latest- 1 would still maintain this ness. And all this when we knowjcjty Yi& crying give us bread!
And old Alton B. Parker had to
stick his drotted lip into it! The
idea of such an up-start as that
calling William Jennings Bryan a
" traitor' ' and a "Benedict Ar
nold!" Why, even the dirt under
Bill Bryan's toe-nails contains
pore real patriotism than a cow
pen full of such corporation lick
spittles as old Parker.
If the blood-thirsty war-jingoes
want to make Bryan the greatest
popular hero in this country, just
kt them keep on with their
"traitor" and Benedict Arnold"
Stuff. In past years The Fc oi
lfiller has' criticized Bryan more
Or less, but now when it comes to
H ( choice between him and the
blood-craving war gang, this
piper is going to stick to the1
6reat Commoner. And there are
ucany millions of common people
in this country who will think
ifcore of Bryan because of this
dirty attack on him .
If a man has to be called a
traitor for following his honest
convictions and doing his level
best to keep his country out of a
tieedless war that the self-constituted
"patriots for plunder" are
trying to push it into, then I say,
God ive us mnreiiKehiiii! Hut
rah for Bryan !
pie-
opinion if it had taken forty-1 the earth and the fulness thereof
seven ribs, half the back-bone, all
the eyerteeth and ten toes of
Uncle Adam.
For verily, she maketh life in
teresting. If it was not for this
rib-product there 'd be nobody to
work for, nobody to dress up for,
nobody to love, nobody to hug,no-
body to kiss, for it would be a
belongs to the long-eared,
faced plutes!
We're a resourceful people, and
if hide fails we will no doubt be
able to make shoes out of old hats
and such. Of course in summer
we can all go bare-footed with our
paddles unfettered and free in the
style of primitive man, and feel
spectacle to make angels weep to ; a thrill of pride that we are able
1 .4
see one man kissing another!
There 'd be nobody to break our
hearts, or mend them after some
other she had broke 'em. Nobody
to imitate our ancestors. No
doubt we'll feel the red-hot
thrills of burrs, nettles, barbs,
briers, broken bottles, etc., but we
to blame with our short-comings must be thankful that we still
and long goings in short, this
life would be a flat, stale, unpro
fitable mell of a hess-
Let us be duly thankful that
Adam's rib was changed by a
miraculous transubstantiation in
volving the elmination of the rib
and the miraculous creation of the
woman, into something that is at
once deliciously mysterious and
mysteriously delicious - man's
best friend, his worst enemy, his
monitor, servant, and worshipped
idol.
People starving at home, and
belly-timber still going to Europe
by the ship-load. Again let me
ask: What country is Woodpile
Wilson supposed to be president
of, anyhow? Judging by the in
terest he takes in feeding Europe
while he lets th's cow. try starve,
what do you think about it
KQg 'Tater is on the throne, j
About two hundred sub hustlers
have already joined the Great Con
test, and o.thers are coming in every
day. Come along, get an early start,
and help enjoy the fun.
If some uncivilized ruffin "in
suits" you, and you pull your gun
and shoot him the government
yanks you up and sends you to
the electric chair before you can
say scat. But just let the govern
ment get its fur rubbed the wrong
way a little and it pulls its gun
and commits the same crime that
it punishes you for. Don't you
suppose God has a big electric
chair ready for these wicked gov
ernments 01 earth ?
have feet. It's a wonder they
don't amputate the feet of the
poor and stew them into gelatine,
glue, calf's-foot jelly or some
thing, anyhow.
Why, good lands of gangrenous
grouches, ,we can substitute some
old thing for shoes! During the
Uncivil War, when the calomel
and jalap and blue mass pills
gave out and not a dose could be
found for love nor money, our
grand-dads and grand-mams boil
ed walnut roots, thickened the
resultant horrible liquid, made it
into pills, and produced a brand
of belly-ache that was seldom
equalled and never out-done, even
by calomel. The way that stuff
tore up a-body's innards was a
caution to the cats ! Some claim
ed to derive great benefit from its
use. In those days medicine that
didn't -almost kick the human
machine to pieces was not tolerat
ed or believed in..
But where was I at?
Oh, yes, shoes !
We respectfully ask our gran
nies to suggest some "substitoot"
for leather. I'll bet they can find
one, by gum! And right berel'd
ike to tip them oil to the unvar-
We are starving ! Give us bread lli
Second news iten
"Four hundred and eighty
tons of food stuff emptied into the
sea! The food was good when it
left the farmers, but was held for
better sale till it spoiled and waa
condemned by the health depart
ment." Nov, mister, if you can find
anything to head that, let's see
you trot it out. The idea of th&
fetch-taked food speculators hold
ing the belly-timber in theis
storehouses and demanding three
prices for it, while women and"
children unable to pay such prices
were starving all around them.
And after all the crimes they
committed trying to make a big
profit on the stuff, they finally
had to lose it all. Wouldn't it
have been a thunderation sight
better to sell it reasonably and leH
the poor hungry people live?
America's enemies ? Holy
smoke I The sneakingest Germao
submarine that ever nosed its way
through salt water is a white
winged angel compared to some
of the brass-bellied speculator
sharks that operate unmolested
right here among us. If Uncle
Sam wants to bite something, why
in the blistering blazes don't he
try his tushes on something near
er home than Germany ?
President Wilson congratulated
the campaign managers upon the
grand victory for the people. If
Mr. Hughes had won, he would
have done the same thing. It is
gratifying to know that which
ever way an election goes it is a
grand victory for the people. They
simply can't lose.
Samples free to sub hustlers.
rou one?
Are