THE FOOL-KILLER, PORES KNOB, N. C, MARCH, 1925
The Fool-Killer
A Monthly Mustard-Plaster for the
Blood-Boils of Society, Church
and State.
PUBLISHED MONTHLY
at
Pores Knob, North Carolina
James Larkin Pearson, Editor
SUBSCRIPTION RATES:
Single Subscription one year 25c
In Clubs of Five or More 15c
Entered at the Postoffice at Pores
Knolj, N. C, as second class mail
matter.
HOW TO SEND SUBSCRIPTIONS
"Vyhen you send" in clubs it is not
necessary to write long letters. A cor
rect list of names and addresses, with
money order or check to cover same,
and your own name and address as
club sender, is enough. But remember
this: Please do not send poorly or
carelessly written lists, as they are
very difficult to make out, and if we
cannot make them out correctly the
subscribers will not get their papers.
Always have the lists typewritten if
possible, and in case you cannot do
that, please PRINT OUT the names
and addresses in printing letters, with
pen or pencil. This is VERY IM
PORTANT Jf you have something important to
say, condense it all you can and write
it on a separate sheet of paper. Never
mix subscription orders with other
matters in the body of a letter. And
always remember to write on one side
of the paper only. Never write on
both sides of the paper. This also is
VERY IMPORTANT.
In ordering your address changed,
always give the old address as well
as the new. That is terribly important.
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istered letter, express or postoffice
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make all orders payable to:
THE FOOL-KILLER,
Pores Knob, North Carolina
PARAGRAPHS.
NOTICE ! NO BABIES
WANTED!
. I am informed that there is a
sect of people somewhere who re
quire that all their members re
main unmarried and that they
strictly practice chastity and
continence all the days of their
lives. In plain words, they must
crucify sex and refuse to repro
duce their kind, either in or out
of marriage.
Looks to me like that bunch is
trying to exterminate itself. It
is sitting on a limb and sawing
the limb off between itself and
the tree. Where does it expect
to get recruits if it don't raise up
any young-uns to follow in its
footsteps ?
Just suppose everybody should
get converted to that idea and
practice it for seventy-five or a
hundred years, this old earth
would be one grand hospital for
old folks, and nobody young
enough to wait on 'em. I am
worrying about that. Ain't you ?
Doctors write their prescrip
tions in a dead language, and
after the patient takes the stuff
he is soon as dead as the lan
guage is.
A "dry agent" never stays dry
any- longer than it .takes him to
get hold of something wet.
Run along, kiddies, and bring
mammy a bucket of water. It
ain't again the law any more.-j
There may never be any bet
ter time than right now to get up
that club for The Fool-Killer.
Yes, I am talking to you.
If you haven't died from drink
ing poison moonshine ,there is at
least a chance that you are still
alive.
It seems that some of the
thirsty fools would rather drink
it and die than to live and do
without it.
Well, chillun, the 20th amend
ment has died a-bornin', and now
you young-uns can go to toting
in stove wood.
A good deal of the "cream of
society" ought to be churned.
The English language is a very
good language to cuss with.
The smaller a man's sour is,
the more meanness it will hold.
It's a mystery to me why table
knives are called "cutlery." I
never saw one that would cut.
If it wasn't for fishermen the
fish would live forever, as it is
impossible to drown them.
If a poor man had plenty of
money he wouldn't need it. Be
ing without it is where the need
comes in.
Have you "resigned" from the
cabinet yet? Or did you just get
kicked out of the Postoffice Department?
Sure enough, this is the very
same year that the almanac said
it would be. My, but ain't the
almanac smart ?
They say the world owes every
man a living, but it is a mighty
bad debt, and niost of us have
lots of trouble trying to collect.
Yes, honey, there is plenty of
evidence that the scum always
rises to the top. But where in
the dickens is the skimmer?
Whether you call it a dry wet
congress or a wet dry congress,
it is all the same. It seems that
the "great statesmen" who made
the law must have their dram in
spite of the law.
An exchange wants to know
what the "modern girl" of today
will be twenty years hence.
That'seasy. She will be an old
woman worrying her head off
about the "modern girl" of twen
ty years hence.
Conan Doyle says marriages
are common in the spirit world.
And divorces, too, I guess. When
a spiritual wife hits her spiritual
husband oyer the head wjth a
spiritual rolling-pin. I'll bet
there's some tall spiritual cussing.
Every infidel paper published
during the present year will bear
the date 1925. That is a silent
but necessary tribute which they
must pay to the Christ that they
deny. Why don't the infidels cal
culate their dates from the birth
of Voltaire?
Charlie Chaplin is in a bushel
of trouble. Some sort of a cheap
skate who calls himself "Charlie
Alpin" has stolen Charlie's make
up and stepped onto the movie
stage in an effort to get some
of Chaplin's honors. I know just
how Charlie feels about that.
Several up-start editors have tri
ed to get up imitations of The
Fool-Killer. But they never
amounted to much.
The vacuum tube is a fine
thing for magnifying sound.
Wonder if a feller could swap
ends with it and make it reduce
sound? That would come in
mighty handy sometimes.
A mountain in South Wales is
said to be moving because of
heavy and continuous rains.
That's a funny thing for a moun
tain to do. Why didii't it just
go in out of the rain, or get ah
unbrella? 1
The birds don't have any
politics nor any government that
we know of, and yet they live
happily together and always feel
like singing. Ain't it a pity that
people can't have as muclfsense
as the birds?
THANK YOU!
I cannot let this issue go to
press without a word of thanks
to all you folks who have given
The Fool-Killer such a warm wel
come and such loyal support
since it "came back." The re
sponse was immediate and very
generous, and the words of wel
come and good-will from thou
sands of old friends are enough
to make any man feel good. It
repays me for all the struggle
and disappointment just to know
that I have been missed , and that
my "come-back"4s such a joyful
event to my thousands of unseen
friends in every part of the
country.
The number of subscriptions
received during the first month
was more than twice what I ex
pected, and the streanvis getting
bigger every day. Just keep up
that lick, folks, and we will soon
show the world what the word
"circulation" means. Tote the
paper in your pocket and tackle
everybody you see. Don't let a
soul escape. I will try to give
you the very best dope you ever
read, and the office force will get
the paper to you right hot out of
the skillet. Now go to it!
Altogether.
This issue of The Fool-Killer
clears up one mystery that never
i' '.-I 1- - 1 -1 1- J! X 1
naa Deen expiamea Deiore tne
question as .to where Cain got his
wife. Read the letter from Cain's
Wife in another column and
learn all about it.
Haldeman-Julius names over a
long list of men that he consid
ers greater than Jesus. But for
some unknown reason he contin
ues to use the birth of Jesus as
the starting point for his dates.
Fi-zim I'd quit that. t
"IMPERIAL" CORN MILL
Write today for free catalogue
and prices of the "Imperial"
Iron Frame Corn Mill for Bread
and Feed. Address;
R. C. Meadows Mill Mfg. Co.,
Dept. P, Pores Kncb, N. C.
"Hair Covers Baby at Birth,"
says a headline, and the doctors
are wondering what it means.
un, 1 reckon it's lust another
proof that man evoluted from a
monkey.
THAt-THAR "POETRY" BOOK
Say, honey, do you remember that I
used to talk about getting out a book
of my poems ? Well, after so long a
time I did get the" book ifade. It is a
great big nice looking book of nearly
40(b pages, printed on heavy book pa
per, bound in dark green cloth with
title in gold, and weighs nearly two
pounds. It contains about 300 poems
the best of all I have written in the
past 33 years. I priced it at $2.10
postpaid, but have decided to offer it
to all my old Pool-Killer friends at a
reduced price. You folks have been
my old chums for so long that you
seem just like home folks, and I want
to send you a copy of "Pearson's
Poehis" for only $1.10 postpaid. That's
just about selling it at cost. Books of
a similar size and quality usually sell
for $2.00 or more. But, doggon it, I
reckon Fve got a right to give my
friends a bargain if I want to. May I
wrap up one for you at $1.10 ? J want
to" hear at once from all of you who
want the book at that price. That's
right. Thank you. Address:
James Larkin Pearson, Boomer, N.C.
JOY PACKAGE FOR 15 CENTS
Jf you want to laugh and forget
your troubles, read The Fool-Killer,
of course. But if, when the laugh is
over, you feel as blue and bad as ever,
let me tell you how to get the joy
that sticks. Send me fifteen cents
and you will receive a dainty little
book of verses written by Yours Truly,'
and a pamphlet entitled "How to Be a
Joycrafter," whicH will be worth more
to you than money if you will use it.
Address:
Cora Wallace Pearson, Boomer, N. C.