The
FoolKiller
-
MONTHLY 25 CENTS A YEAR. IN CLUBS OF FIVE OR MORE A? ONE TIME, 15 CENTS A YEAR
Vol. XIII.
Pores Knob, North Carolina, April, 1925.
No. 4.
tfttHn i ii ' i i - II II f
ODES TO THE MUSES
The anaconda is a prig,
We wobble forth to mention;
The smile he gives us from, his twig
Is acaconolescension.
The armadillo is a beast
That fits well in this story;
If he is not slow, at least
He is armadilatory.
The bee's a spiteful little bug,
And sometimes very rude,
And at its worst when it assumes
A sweet bee-attitude.
The goat is a mild-mannered chap
As ever you did see;
Twist his tail as much as you please,
Buttdon't monkey with his gost-ee.
The asp's a vicous little thing
That needs extermination; -
To greet a fellow with a sting
Seems all its asp-iration.
The jackass meekly bears his load
O'er plain or mountain fastness;
But if you dare to pull his tail
He shows his true jackass-ness.
actly fill the bill for Fool-Killer ! the administration before it is
stuff. Several have tried it and j finished.
failed. Two or three have even I Bright and early on the morn
started "Fool-Killers" of their ing of the 4th I took hold of my
own and tried o steal fhy thund- big toe and cranked myself and
er and my fame, but they could- i walked up Pennsylvania Avenue
not tote it even after they got it j to the White House. Knocked
in the sack. at the door just as I used to when
And I reckon that's why it j Teddy Roosevelt liverd there. In
THE APRIL FOOL ISSUE
Since JMs-is to be an April-
happens that old Pearson is still
the only and original VFool-Kill-er
Man," with a perfectly clear
right and title to the name and
all the glory that goes with it.
a minute I heard footsteps ap
proaching. Then Cal's nose cahe
in sight, and he was not very far
ancfparked Economy outside the
door and went in. All at twice
we heard a terrible groaning and
taking on somewhere in the
building, and discovered that it
was the Sixty-eighth Congress
drawing its last breath and the
last installment of its sajary.
Then somebody rung a sheep
bell and the meeting was open
for business. The old president
got up and stated the purpose of
THE IN-AUGERfATION
Fool issue, I hardly know where
to begin with my chin-music.
There is danger that I will make
it either too wise or too foolish,
aid you. know just a little too
much of either would plum spile
it.
It ain't as easy to get up all
this wise foolishness and solemn
fun as you might think it is.
Just try it for about fifteen-years
and you'll see.
Every month for nearly fifteen
years I've had to stand on my
head and kick holes in the air to
amuse 50,000 readers. It looks
like I would have been bald-head
ed by this time, but I ain't. The
same dark brown locks that dec
orated my dome of thought fif-
Well, honey, I just wish you
could have been -with me in the
little old village of Washington,
D. C, on the 4th of March. We
had one regular skrumshus old
time that day. It was the first
In-auger-ation I had. been to
since I saw our old friend Wood
row walk the tight rope in 1913.
When I go to In-auger-ation I
always start in time to get there
the day before, so as to get me a
bunk and a bite to eat before the
show starts.
On the occasion of Wpodrow's
coronation twelve years ago
things were pretty crowded, and
behind it. He was holding his the meeting and introduced the
smile in both hands and trying new president, who was then
his bej&t to put it on straight, j cussed in very quietly, after
but his nose was in the way and ; which he delivered a very eco
he never did get it fixed right. ' nomicaL address of ten minutes'
"Hello, Cal," sez I, "what you duration on the subject of
doing this morning?
"Just been taking my morning
Economy." He used his words
very deliberately, being careful
ride on 'Economy' that's the u' j 7u Juab
name of my electric hobby-hos , I hke e found them . It was a
you know. Fine hoss. No head, t verAy11b-?otlfS1 aP iU
Don't need any. Got no use for ! XT ,ou uluc" 1UI "la,
Iws-apnsp at-rtiiivrt this nw ' Next, we s down on the window
Fine hoss, anyhow. Easy to j sm &l ?en the J? bo
who had lunches along did like
wise. The janitor played us a
time ftn iVi o i oX7a1n a tmi txVi llo wrcx
1 i 1 J 1 1 1 m 1 I miM.mm. Vll VilU JVITU tJ T XU1V T -
there stood the electee hoss as were Dinner finished, we
patient as an old steer. Over on ; all down dn the floor and gl t
m00816 was..a p.IC,tur! ! awhile. After which we all went
ui xeuuy, aim i saw 11, wiiik. ui , fu oa4. ri,
watch "Helen Maria" put cuckle-
burrs under the tail of the Sen-
keep. Don't eat anything. Want
to see him ?"
Cal led me into a room and
me.
"Well, Cal," sez I, "I just drop-
viUWUCUj ! ntiniin- -4- a rp ttm1 nrnmn J TTT1 1 t mm A -r i
I came very near having to sleep L?Z? " ",ate. wnicn ne am. it was me
n neeoTvioTi sums xn-augci-aWuu. ioniy live news item 01 tne aav.
sez Cal. Things had been "cool with Cool-
v I "i 11 Afi c t in ait r I rr Avrrrtr
est request the congressman
finally agreed to sleep on the
floor. f
i
But this time I didn't have any
such trouble. The watch-word, as
you know, was "Economy," and
Be ready to start in a few min-, to see Charlie raise the tempera
utes. Going to ride this hoss. ture.
You can ride benmd it you want; Bv and bv Cal iumned
x
to.
"Economy" and trotted off
on
to-
Then hurrying off to the kitch- ward home, and the rest of us
en, Cal told Grace to fix up a lit-
Cal didnt let em spread on the 'tle lunch for him to take along,
glory as thick as usual. There f s he mignt be late getting back,
wasn t hardly enough visitors in ?So Grace hunted up a shoe box
town to hold inquests over the;an(i Dacked in dinriRr Pnono-h for
hotel-keepers that died of broken Cal and me. and we iumned on
teen years ao. are there yet.
Which shows that hair and
Economy" and started.
"He ain't never toted double;
went to the movie. It was the
end of a perfect day.
A SOLDIER'S MONUMENT
If I could have the designing
of a soldier's monument to be
se
z Cal, "and he ain't ; erected in the public square of
hearts. , -
The little town has changed a
good deal in some ways since 1 i before "
saw it. .but tne uapitoi is in tnejnever been rid out of doors. He; every city and town, I would not
same $ace, the White Houses may take the studs, or run away, design a general on horseback
'liocrt'-f- ty- rvT dr orirl m r c Jr r-? "tVtal . r ' - i t r i
hrninc nxn urmotimr.a Ti'va 'fn , vx , or sometning. - . vvitu waving swora ana nasnmg
lTtnJetlTCS hve t0" streets are right there yet. They i ain't, afraid." sez I. "Put medals to make war look fine and
gether in peace.
The Fool-Killer is a good deal
different from any other paper.
Anybody that reads it one time
will agree to that. And mere dif
ference in style isn't the only
difference, either. For instance,
or three men (and sometimes a
dozen) that they can depend on
for the mental juice to fill their
pages. But in this-here editorial
joint there is nobody but old
Pearson to, keep the hopper full.
If my personal supply of fool gab
runs out the mill has to stop.
Well, it has been running for
fifteen years, and it ain't stopped
yet. There is not, never has
been, and probably never will be
any other man who can just ex-
have cleaned up the ashes and ; the spur to him and let's go."
I
tin
cans on the lot fronting the ' vCal dug the spur into Econo-
respectable. No, I would make
my design represent a private
Union Station, .and two old nigy fjnks and popped the whip; soldier crawling on his hands
x - o aiiu cu vv a y wc wcut uuwn tiic ivc- x iviicco, vviwi uiit; iiu.t; u ins
ger ylmmenwere
pa, en m nisn tateis. nue 1Ke the hired man oromsr to iace shot way. and his 2-uts
I Was also &lad to note thatiHinnAr Up nnnb o-iithpr nn drAo-o-fno- fpn fopf him qo
the side-walks and pointed at use crawled. .That would repre
and laughed, and then they fell inysent war as it really is, and I
behind and trotted after us, and j think the people would soon get
by the time we got to the Capitol! so sick of looking at it that they
we had "collected uo all the news- i would never permit another war
some enterprising feller has put
t nil a np-w fillincr Rf ntinTi in Wash
ington since I vas there. Its
location is well chosen to har
monize with the scenery, and it
helps the looks .of the town a
plum sight.
But I didn't start to tell you
about that. I was going to en
lighten your minds in regard to
the In-auger-ation. The reason
boys, little niggers and street
beggars in town, and everybody
agreed that it was the best In-
auger-ation parade they
saw.
On reaching the CapitoL
ever
we
they call it an In-auger-ation is found two photographers, five
r nn rA r ts mi rv -I rx m " rt4-Tin i ; T . 1 J 1 i n f
because an auger is an instru
ment, to bore with, and the peo
ple are certain to be bored with
Stray dogs and thirteen office
to come.
I have known lots of white
men who were green.
And so they never did get
Floyd Collins out of that hole. It
! looks bad, but maybe they
seekers waiting on tne front ' thought God could get him out
Lsteps. We galloped up the steps , at the Judgment Day.