Newspapers / The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, … / Nov. 1, 1928, edition 1 / Page 1
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Vol. XIV. Boomer North Carolina November, 19281 No. 9. ADAM AND EVE Once the cooties got on Adam, Though he didn't know he had 'em, And he -said to Eve, "O Madam, I'm a-feelin' mighty quare; -There is somethin' in my britches, An' it might be lice or witches, But it's awful how it itches,- An' it's more than I can bear." Eve said, "Adam, I was hopin' Wfcen" with you I went elopin', -That you'd never take to dopin' Nor to drinkin' ruddy wine. But I see you've been a-boozin' Till your reason you are loosin'. v Oh, I did some sorry choosin'; I'm ashamed that you are mine;" Adam said,. "I'm. not a-drinkin', s As you seem to be a-thinlqny An' there's been no glass a-clinkin' Underneath my Roman nose. Stop your base insinuating And begin investigatin' To discover what old Satan Has been putin' iii my clothes. Eve said, "Adam go to strippin'; - Peel your shirt hippin',"- an' shed yteir If you hadn't eat that pippin," Said old Adam to his mate, We'd have had no nasty garments Catohin' "dirt an' breedin' varments, An' nobody preachin'. sarmehts All about our fallen state." "There you go," said Eve a-grinnin', "Blamin' me with all the sinninT Don't I spin and weave the linen That conceals your ugly frame? If I'd left that apple stickin' When I saw it needed pickin', You'd be feathered like a chicken, An' you'd say I was to blame." Adam said. no, Adam never; For his wife was Very clever, And he knew she would endeavor To speak last, as women will; So he hushed an' went to clawin' .Where he relt-them lice a-gnawin', And his sons who need the coin They are here a-clawin' still. ' rJames Larkin Pearson. There is still a ehance for Al Hmitn to oe a iamous wise- cracker like his friend Jimmy Walker. In his final admission of defeat he tearfully remarked. "It behoovers me ." That was a plum good wise-crack. There is no longer any doubt that Al was behooyered. THE STORY OF THE FLOOD Do you remember about Noah arid his successful and well known Flood, and how he got the laugh on all them folks who did not think it was going to rain? Well, now, I "been thinking some about that-thar Flood here lately, and sorter comparing it to the recent inundation of Hoover votes that just about buried everything that couldn't swim. Now Alcehol Smith and John ny Raskob was two bad boys that didn't think it was going to rain very many Hoover votes and they thought they could stay in New York and keep out oi the shower all right. And they thought if it DID get seri ous they could climb some of the New York skyscrapers and save their mutton. But, by golly, when it did be gin to rain Hoover votes it look ed like it was never going to quit It didn't rain forty days like Captain Noah's Flood did, but it rained enou,gh m one day to do for forty. And before it. was over, tbe sarn-taked if it didn't buxy New York, both state arid city, plum out of sight. It would) have taken a deep-sea diver to find the top of the Woolwortli Tower. And anybody that was .flying over the city in a Zepplin could see Smith Democrats bob bing up and down on the waves like the corks from a thousand beer bottles, and waving their arms and praying to the pope to make it ruit raining Hoover votes. And what had become of Alco hol Smith ancL Johnny Raskob in the time of it ? Bless your nice little gizzard, honey, that's just what I was going to tell you. Them guys had heard the story about Captain Noah, and when they saw that it really was go ing to be a Flood they went to work and niade them a raft put of booze-barrels, and they got on it and floated around trying tol find some high Dimocratic land wasn't covered up. Finally they saw South Carolina, Georgia and Mississippi sticking up out of the waves, and they used their shirt -tails for sails and navigated off toward the South. It was just a pitiful little remnant of the old Solid South that they found, but it looked a heap better to them than Ararat did to Noah, and so . . They tied their boat to a cypress knee, And waded ashore from the Hoover sea, And called for a drink of old corn tea, And went to playing golf.. And now they are down in Mississip, Where Democrats still hold their grip, And tfyere, with a bottle on each hip, They're still a-playing golf. Awful Prosperous . ...i i Your uncle Arthur Brisbane, you know, has got the name of being a great editorial writer. Oompared with us little fellers, he is so big that &e looks like a brick hotel with legs to it. But still he does pull some glorious boners in the course of a day's work. As a sample of what he can do, I respectfully invite your attention; to the following two paragraphs which I find in the same column and not two inches apart: . "The late Harry Payne Whitney left a fortune of $200,000,000, and was not one of the country's srery rich men. Any one of a dozen men in New York could buy all he had without missing the money. This is a prosperous country. - Next: " - "Trinity Church Corporation of New York, owns the beautiful old church and grave yard at the top of Wall Street. In a deal involving more than $2CT,OOO,OO0, Trinity Church has pur chased more real estate on Seventh Avenue. If the founder of Christian ity lived in New York with its East Side , slums and its porverty and suf fering, and if he . had twenty million dollars, would he buy more real estate with it, or what would he do?" Seems to "me like them two squibs don't hardly match up as well as they ought to. Do you see anything wrong? South, America! If imitation sealskin is so much Hke mink that you. can't tell it from rabbit, -why does a grubworm crawl oh its back ? I reckon Bill Borah's consci ence has got so tough that it don't Hurt him any more. I see he has changed hik notion about Hello, South America ! There comes our Quaker who won't fight. His middle name is Diplo macy, and he has the dove skin ned a mile as an emblem of peace. This Quaker had a chance to travel to your country in great style on one of our great battle ships, but he refused the honor and went in a little row-boat about the size of a pig-trough. You folks may call it a battle ship when you see it, but it ain't nothing of the sort. Jt is just a common row-boat like the boys of Main Street take out on halfr holiday fishing trips down Po dunk River. If you 'were to see one, of our real battleships it would scare you to death so quick you wouldn't have time to say good-bye. ; i Why, lioney chile, our ? real fighting ships are as big as one end of the.BIue Ridge, and when they launch one of them they have to take all the other ships off the sea, and the whales have to crawl out oh the shore and go flopping along piithe sand like some new sort of a grub worm learning how to walk. It would take all the powder you've got in South America to load one of our big guns, and you could cram every soldier and sailor you've got into it at one time and shoot them plum tuther side of the South Pole. We've got soldiers up here so big that it takes two bull-hides 4o make 'enl a pair of shoes, and so high that they have to pay tax in the mon. Shucks, you South American Rubes don't know nothin. Our Quaker's visit into your wild bull ranchwill teach you a few things, but you can't learn from him anything about how us Yankees can fight. He has just come to swap pocket-knives, ask for a chaw of terbacker, and feed his face at some of your hot-dog joints. But I say, South America, don't try to start nuthin with our Quaker. He won't fight and he ain't got nuthin there to fight with, but he MIGHT happen to send back home for one of our real battleships, and then you re-pay ing-that hush-money that Sinclair dropped into the 1924 campaign hat. Well, a s politi- would wish your mammy had an's conscience is sorter like a pinched your head off the day piece of old boot-leg, anyhow. J you were born. m
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
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Nov. 1, 1928, edition 1
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