Newspapers / The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, … / Jan. 1, 1929, edition 1 / Page 1
Part of The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.) / About this page
This page has errors
The date, title, or page description is wrong
This page has harmful content
This page contains sensitive or offensive material
Boomer, North Carolina, January, 1929. Vol. XIV. No. 10. THESE-HERE MONKEY-SHINES Some of the readers of The Fool-Killer those who have been on the mailing list "for sev- prfll vpflrs will rpnipmhpr that. I used to hand out a more seri ous line- of gab than I do- now, and such readers may be won dpritio whv T dronned the more serious discussions and switched over to this-here light burlesque and foolishness, with just enough common sense to keep it from souring. Weir, confouncLyour old flea bitten hides, here's why: I discovered that about nine- ItiIIpH Viimsptf ty'vino tn nmve tpnths of vnn hnnhv-nw t:p WHflf. h i n t ughes didn't have gumption Lftpr thp f0iWidnif vp Rrvn enough to appreciate sensible tVirnitrl-it wVipti vnn aaw it All you wanted was some droll or foolish "saying" that you could rair back like a stud rooster and "haw-haw" about, and it didn't matter to you whether there was any sense to it or not. You would sit there like a bunch. of warty toads under an old log and let me work my eyes out and my toe-nails off getting up a real j i j j j jmi-uanay paper xor you, ana then you never said "thank you" nor "kiss my foot" nor anything else. Just dead silence. But if happened to get off one of -my droll jokes in order to drive home a truth, you could every one wake up and cackle like f or-ty-leven young hens at an egg laying contest; You just sucked the joke off like eating candy from a stick, and then spi out the truth and thrpwed it away iiKe an oia cow spirang - oux a peach seed. if orvo rlii oil -r rl o -n7-ri ah tyi a KJJ XV gi.UUUHUJ VACX VV 11VVI UX1 J.11V J 1 i J 1 ' . 1 xnai i was wasting my rime ana nirvrr tyi t xtrrvflr -frw -ivH- in rr on4 boarding myself besides. And I sez to -myself, sez I, "Well, if that ding-busted measley aggre gation of half-witted whangdoo- dles don't want anything but monkey-shines, and if they ain't got brain enough to digest a sen sible thought, then I'll quit try ing to teach them anything. I'll -i l -i ci 4- oan tvit V nn nnl 1 -r 4 n-r my heels in the air like windings blades and cut ail the new and up-to-date monkey-shines I can think of." And so that's why. And now dew-claws and "haw-haw" till your belly-band breaks and your funny-bone hurts and you're just about ready to croak. THE JOKE IS ON TENNESSEE Alas and alack, beloved! And what shall we do now ? Have you heard the gosh-awf ul news that comes roaring and rever berating down from the hill slopes of Tennessee? Well, honey, it is just too much ! After all the fuss and fury of that Anti-Evolution r law ; after the wide publicity of the Scopes trial at Dayton, where Bryan after the founding of the Bryan University as a two-edged sword to keep all monkeys forever out of Tennessee lo and behold what happens? Old Grandma Nature, not al ways as solemn as she pretends to be, sees a chance to play a good joke on Tennessee, and so she goes ahead and fixes it up with the Stork and has a gal baby born there with a tail seven inches long! I Now what does that prove ? Or does it prove anything? . . The evolutionist will say, of course, that it proves human kinship with the monkey. But -the other side will hit back with a left-handed undercut and meet the challenge with another question: If one tailed baby proves kinship with the monkey, then what would a million un tailed , babies prove? Or fifty million? Or a hundred million? When it comes to tails or no tails, it looks like the no-tailers have got the best of it by seyeral million majority. . ; But it does look sorter quare for it to happen rignt there in Tennessee, where of all places they said it shouldn't happen. The evolutionists will harp on it till doomsday, and the Funny dementalists will get m a d enough to fight, their- shadders. m the meantime, what else? Well, the tailed baby's dad wants to put it in a circus, and its mammy sues its dad for di vorce, and the doctor cuts the tail off, and thereby ruins a per fectly good tail. Oh, jeeminy! What an awful sight of trouble ME AND MY NEIGHBOR you can just rair back on your one little tail can cause! I've got a neighbor that I think is just the doggondest best neighbor that any man ever had in this world. He is good and honest and kind and peaceful and generous and liberal and free-hearted and well, all the rest of the good things. Me and my neighbor are as thick as seven in a bed and we visit back and forth a good deal. Welf, it was my time to make a visit, and so I bought me six pis tols and two shot guns and a Winchester rifle and a belt of cartridges and all the big knives I could tote, and I loaded myself up with these lovely ornaments and. emblems, of. peace, and 1 marched forth to visit my neigh bor. , When lie saw me coming he turned pale behind the ears and got weak in the knees and was about to faint, when I ran and embraced him and kissed him on the kisser and assured him that I loved him better than pie and that I had merely come to pay him a friendly visit. "Well, then," sez he when he was enough recovered to speak, "why are you loaded down with all, them deadly weapons ? You look like you had started out to whip Alexander the Great and Napoleon and Kaiser Bill." "These?" sez I "Oh, these are only some little ornaments I brought along to show you what a he-man I am and how I COULD fight if you was to fool with me and get my dander up. But I ain'toome to fight I've come on a peaceful visit, to talk business, and swap yarns and pull chicken-leg with you. Lead the way hit, your lordly castle." He led the way: and I followed, rattling like a wagon loaded with scrap-iron running away down a rocky, hill. And to this day I have never got that man to understand why I had to go around like an arse nal when I paid him a "friendly visit." You xookike you don't understand it either. Well, go and ask Hoover. He did iust ex- I actly the same thing, only on a ; bigger scale, when he made that "friendly visit" to Latin Ameri 1 ca. Maybe he knows the reason. ' I don't. MORGAN PAYS! HOORAY ! Here, then, is the supreme ex ample of the eternal fitness of things. From what seems to be a reliable source I learn that CaJ Coolidge will not have to join the army of the unemployed after March 4th, and walk the streets hungry looking for a job, and maybe sleeping in a trash barrel in a back alley. Any sympathetic soul who may be losing sleep over such a. possibli ity can now rest easy. The dan ger is past, and Cal has got him a job. Upon the expiration of his term as president, he will go straight to New York and join the house of Morgan. In other words, his allegiance will not be changed. He will continue to serve the same boss that he has been serving for the past eight years and longer. Evidently his service to Morgan has been sat isfactory, and now Morgan is go ing to reward him accordingly. The plutes are great hands to stick together. That is one good thing that can be said about them They are loyal to their, kind. But I was just remarking how very appropriate it is. The very thing that we might have ex pected, and it all fits in just as nice. If I had been looking after Morgan's interests at Washing ton as well as Cal has, 1 should expect to get my reward. The servant is worthy of his hire, and the man who is served is the one who should -do the paying. Morgan pays. Hurrah for Mor A FELLER AND A WENCH The two main items of legisla tion that Cal is anxious to put through this Lame Duck Con gress are -his cruiser building program and the Kellogg Treaty to outlaw war. Haw-haw-haw! Two things that are just as op posite in theory as day and night.; If he believes the Kel logg Treaty will be worth a cuss, what does he want with more fighting ships ? And if he thinks the ships are going to be needed anyhow, then why bother about the Kellogg Treaty? Trying to get both of these things at once is sorter like buying a ticket to heaven and then jumping on the hell-bound train. v
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
Jan. 1, 1929, edition 1
1
Click "Submit" to request a review of this page. NCDHC staff will check .
0 / 75