BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
-Greater than Herrmann A Saving
"Philosonher Ho was an Esti- ,
' inator Rice at the Fair
He Didn't Jump, Etc.
"That Parisian trickthe
Vanishing
T . K.i ITarrmiinn r raa ia ci rrrf't
id Jones. "He covers a lady
V.
with a veil,and after a little manoeuvring
-
removes the veil, and
1 the lady has dis- v
!
appeared. 7
Ti,.,fnnti,int,V9 vnnnviAv ?Jnnr
boarding house,' answered Brown. "I P; the -other ''-half a very nice fellow,
haveseenten or twelve persons in, the JNigt before last I went home early, and
parlor, and this young lady come in sit whenready my new chum boldly ap
.SowntothoTiano. and besin to play proached ; an innocent-looking piece of
And sing. 1 In two minutes all the rest
Lid disappeared. Talk about Herrmann !
He ain t a patch to her. ' Kevo York 8un
A Savins: Philosopher. j
"Wandering phisosophcr ."Ye3, jmy
-dear sir, I've reckoned up that by walk
ing down town to my business every day
I have saved $500 in the last ten years."
Indifferent fellow (who always ridis)
-"And your health is better, too? 1
Philosopher "Oh, inuih better."
Indifferent fellow "Well, I am
ithat much. Good day ! "
out
Philosopher "Ah by the way could
'von lend me s5 for a few days?' JSew
lo.-Ic Graphic. .
He was an E-tlmator.
lTrwa nil ill ; rrAvcA irinintr Wa? "
Asked a stranger, -a. he found tha pave- I Well,; it was. - Indeed, it was cold. The
ment blockaded in front of a Broadway '' combination of that fact and my abbre
fitore. i viated costume urged me to renew the
"Why." replied a bystander, "the attack. This time I pushed the top past
urenrietor offers a nrize for thi close it
- ' - . - . i i
guess as to the nunioer of beans in that .
.bottle."
"How are the guc ses running?" i
"From liOO up to 15,0 )0." I
"Oh, pshaw! Why, there must be; at
' least 100,000 beans in that bottle." j
"Where might vol be from, stranger?"
"I? Oil, I'm from th; West. l;vo
been out there estimating the population
-of cities from the number' of name's in the
-directories." Tid-Blts.
Rice at the Flair,
- - . i
vr'de out short-up figure Billy Rice, the I
WW' '
minstrel, has. AV ell, about two weeKs
.ajro (at least so we are in
was at an agricultural show
night-stand town, and as he stood in a
thoughtful attitude contemplating the
.exhibit, ths editor of the county paper
and a farmer passed by. 1 ";;
"Look there," whispered the editor,
'that's Rice." - . . ..!-
"Where;" inquired the farmer. !
"There," said the editor, pointing to-
wrd William.
'Rice?" repeated the farmer iaquir-
ing:y
'ies. '. , c ." .- ; .
"Well, by gosh, it's tha funniest rice
I ever seen. It looks a blame sight more
like a punkin. Le's go an' take a lQ.6k
.at it." - . '. '-
Bi'ly met the farmer half way and
paralyzed him. Washington Critic.
i ' ; . -.
He Didn't Jump
Sunday afternoon a man suddenly ap-
E eared at a three-story window in an un
nifthed building On Grand River street
.and setmed to begin preparations to
commit suicide by leaping to the" pave
ment. A crowd of forty or fifty people
speedily gathered in a half-cir. le below,
and although all seemed to be aware of
wiat was going on not a voice was
raised to prevent the stranger , carrying
vo'-t his designs. lie
removed his coat
and looked, down a3
difitauee. Then he
if estimatinjr the
removed his vest
and lookel down r.gain. Some of the i
crowd asked each other in low tones if
his intention was to jump, and were an-1
.Wcr;d that there was no doubt of it. j
'The man removed his collar and tie after j
".Iris vest, and then spit on his hands and :
took his position square in the window,
lso one below moved a foot. There was
"half a minute of silence, during which
. everybody mentally calculated on the
"exact spot he would strike, and some--thirir
like a shudder passed over the
crowd. Then the unknown spit on his
rhands once more, raised them above his
head, and calmly remarked:
My f riendj,this is to inform you that
I shall occupy this building November 1
with a large and well selected stock of
: staple and fancy groceries. I shall do a
strictly cash business, and it will be my
lmto "
But the last one had turned the corngr.
Detroit Free Press.
v The Fatal. Foldins Bed.
An expression of profound gloom on
the face of a friend led to inquiries which j
elicited a tale of sorrow and suffering.
'Do I look mournful?'' he askod. "Do j
I bear the appearance of a man whose
soul has been entered by the iron of ad
versity? Well, that's the way I feel.
" You know, I moved day before yes
terday. Well, hurt by the unfee'ing re-
marks of my late landlady and the fact
sue reuiineu my uuns . is a j
?Uii'urr suppose; i buugui. iuc biu-
sion cf a West bide boarding house. The
room is t!e isant and the man who occu-
furniture, and after a little sparing
Sor time let in with
right and left
....
and brought to view a
comiortaoie
bed. ' I had never seen a folding-bed
before ' 'and was a litt'e astonished.
IIowcver,Imadeno remarks but turned
in. Last night my chum was out, and
I didn't know ..-what to do. I loafed
around the room, now and then casting
a glance at the folded bed and admiring
it i compactness and air of gentility, but
L somehow I did not feel like tackling it
all by myself. But it had to be done. 1
remembered that my chum had first
j lifted the top. I did that. But when I
let go it came back with a slam that
started the baby owned by the second
floor front mto a wild symphony ot woe
Then ! sat down and thought.
TO
;-
rrnin
! tims on thj bed I undressed.
Say, did.
it strike vou as chilly last night- No?.
1 1 a r ii : . , j . v. , . ,-.
sneer -ot- uis spring, unu wu.cu ic
it went on with a noise loud
i ii ii '
lease
j enougn to arouse tne pug in tne room
j across the hall. By that time I wasreck-
less. I seized a strap and pulled. The
whole thing began to come. I strapped
; it half way and considered.- Considering
: was hard work, to was holding. I
: pulled. It came, and I went.- But I
didn't go far enough, and the bed caught
me. 1 was underneath. The Charleston
man on the f. oor below dreamed he was
j at home.
"Well, when I got out and took an in
' ventory, I was minus considerable skin,
but the accession of my eyebrow bal
anced things., Tne bed was 0 e2, but
phas
thfi o-as and rolled in. As soon as I hit
i the bed it shut up that is, as close as it
could. It was close enough. For about
ten minutes I would "have swapped
1 places with any one of the seven anar-
chists and given him odds. When I got
! out of that placi there was not enough
j left Of the bed-clothes to make a respect
able; bandage. I know, because I tried
j 5t; tWhatTl fcu2ered you will nevei
know
' "This morning the landlady informed
! me, that had she known I was" subject to
delirium tremeus, she would have re
j fused the admittance that gave me a
chance to ruin t'. 6 reputation of hex
I boarding house. As I left the house the
; boarders poKed their heads out and whis- j
i rered: vl hat shimr he haa 'era oaa iasx
', ;: j'- -7 ' ,wl
night,' and similar encouraging remarks.
jrSeio York News.
, Hew $20,000 Were Saved:
! Omaha Banker "Jan't leave your of
fice? Why don't you get a boy to look
after itf
Omaha Lawyer "Have tried about a
dozen and not one was worth keeping.
Don't want another one around."
"Why, I saved 20,0C0 by an office
boy once."
"Kh! How was that?"
'I sent him with a message to a broker,
saying that I wanted a large quantity of
a certain stock. Well, that stock went
w. y down to zero the very next day."
'"You must have been badly caught."
"No. I saved $20,030."'
'Saved CO,00). How under the
i canonv could that b
j '.Well, you t-a; I didn't have any of
j the stock because the boy lost tUe mes-
sasre.' Omaha 11 orlJ,
It is the most humiliating of our conti
nental disgraces that a mm an steal
$500,000 in the United States and be
. . -1 r .1 i I At
prote-ieu iroiu .puui-uuieisty v
dian government. And it is a sad com-
mentary on our civilization tbat the two
o-rpatpt nations of .the earth can n t
t,n. o rl-n nf prtrndition which
-wi in Vivnr nf thipvp and ra.
shall notbe in favor of tmeves and ras-
cas. Chicago JSews.
rormed) Billy ' r,,. T oa fArt ;mn!1I;Pnt fn i, io,t.irnlar:
SCIE3fTIFIgTRUTH
REG All DING THE FUNCTIONS OF AN
IMPORTA NTsJLKGAN.
Of Wlilrh the Pabllc Koawi Bat JLlttle
vvcrthj of Careful Conaideratieii.
.mil. im 1
To the Editor of the Scientific American:
Will you permit its to make known to the
public the facts tee have learned during th
y g years, concerning disorders of tne
Kidneys and the organs tchich dis
eased Kidneys so easily break dmanf You
are conducting a Scientific paper, and are
unprejudicedLexcept in favor of TRUTH. It
needless to say, no medical Journal of
"Code'7 standing would admit these facts,
for very obvious reasons.
H. H. WARNER & CO.,
Proprietors of " Warner's Safe Cure.1
That we may emphasize and clearly ex
plain the relation ths kidneys sustain to the
general health, and how much is dependent
upon them, we propose, metaphorically
speaking, to take one from the human body,
place it in the wash-bowl before us-, and ex
amine it for ths public benefit. ,
You will imagine that we have before us a
body shaped like a teaa, smooth and glisten
ing, about four fm hes in length, two in width,
and one in thickness. It ordinarily weighs
in the adult male about five ounces, but i?
somewhat lighter in the female. A small
oryan? ycu say. Eu5 understand, the body
of the average size man contains about ten
quarts of blood, of w'.izh every droo passes
through these filters cr sewers, as they may
be called, many times a day as often as
through the heart, making a complete revo
lution in three viinhtes. From the blood
they separate the waste iraterial, working
away steadily night and day, sleeping or
waging, tireless as the heart itself, and fully
of as much vital importance; removing im
purities from sixty-five gallons of blood each
hour, or about forty-nine barrels each day,
or 9,125 hog.-hoads a year! What a wonder
that the kidneys can last any length of time
under this prodigious strain, treatel and
uejl'ectel as they are! v - -
We s'.ice this deluate- organ open length
' w'so with our kni.e, aal wili roughly de
i sc-ii e its interior.
I We find it to be of a reddish-brown o!or.
litt e tubes, short aud t h re a t-liie, starting
from the arterie? ea Jing in a little tuft about
midway from the outside opening iuto a
ravity of considerable size, which is called
the pelvis or, rouh y sreaking, a sac, "which
is for the purpesi of hoi ling the water t?
further un iergo puriScatiou before it j asses
down from' here into" the ureters, and so cn
ty the outside of the body. These little tul e
are the filters which do their work auto
matically, and righ1, here is where the dis
easi of th? kidney first begins.
Doing the vast amount of work which
they are obliged to, from the slish'est irreg
ularity in our ha!its, from co'd, from high
living, from stimulants or a thousand and
one other cause which occur every day; they
become some what weakened in tceir nerve
for e. -
What is the result? Congestion or stoppage
cf.tbe cunent of bl.od In the small bloxl
vessels surrounding them, which become
blocked: these deli at 3 membranes are irri
tated; inflammation is set up, then pus is
rormed, wLuc.i collects m ths pelvis or fa
the tubes are at nrst part'allry, and soon are
totally unable to do their work. The pelvic
sslz roes on distending with th s corruption,
pressing upon tne iiiod vessels. All tms :
time, rememler the blood, which is entering
the kidnej-s to be fittered, is pas -sina through
thii terrible, disgusting 2msi fr cannot
take auy other route!
Srop aud think of it for a moment! Do
y u realize the importance, nay the vital ne
iessi!y, of having the kidneys in order Can
you exp?et wten they are di3?ased or ob
sucteJ, no matter how little, that you can
have pure llco.d and escape disease? It
would be ju t as reasonable to expect ,t if a
pest-house were srt across Broakwajy and
countless thou an Is were compelled to go
through its pesti eutial doors, an escape from
contagion and disaase. as for one t expect
tha blood to escape pollution when con tantly
running through a diseased kidney
Now, what U ' the result J Why, that the
blood takes up and deposits this iibison . as it
sweeps along in o every oigau, into every
ineh of muscla t;S3,iet f aa i boue. from
your head to your feet. Ana whenever, from
hereditary intiueme or otherwise, some part
of tha bxly i? weaker than another, a count
less train of distass is established, such as
consumption in weak lungs, d3'spepsia where
there is a deVrt?ate stomach; rervousness, in
ranity, imralysis or heart dbeasa in those
w ho have weak nerves.
The hi art ir.ust soon feel the effects of the
' ppisn, as it requires pure blood to keep -t
ii right action. It increases its stroke in
number and force to comrensats for the
natural stiinulus wanting, in its endeavor to
erowd tie impure blood through' this cb
Rkrnrtiiiti. miKSiTio" rr;ii rmlnirntinn. rr An
? j , 1 1
oul-of-breath feel in z. Lnnatural a this
1 1-1 I Li i.
iu;ea ia;iur is. iua ueari, inuai. uuu lunei,
becoming w aker and wkeaker until one (lay
it mi dcnly sioji-, and death from appaient
'hea:t disease' is the verdi t. ?
Bat the ir.e ileal p: cfe-s'on, learcel and
d' guified,- callthe e diseaiesby highsunding
names, treat them aloue, and patients die,
for the arteries eire tanyini slow death tn
tie affected port, constantly-adding fuel
br ught rem these suppurating, pus-iaden
kidneys which here in our wah bowl arc
very putrefaction itself, and which should
Lave been curoJ first.
Tut tbi3 is not all the kiinej s have to do:
for you must remember that each adult take
nbrat seven pounds of nourii-hment everj
. ltfU
twentv-four hours to surpiv th-i waste of tt
: boiy which is constantly soing on, a wast
e -ual to the quantity taken. Tb.is, too, tb
kidnevs have toVparate from the 'blood witl
e11 otber de.-oniro.-ing matter.
; But von say: "My kidneys are all right. 1
I no Vn in tha back." 'ilbtaken man
fo dfioUidnej disease of sg bad a chap
acter that the organs are rotten, ana Tel
the have never there had a pain nor at
ache!
Why? Because the disease begins, as wi
have shown, in the interior of tne kidney,
where there are few nerves of feeling to con
vey the ematioir of pain. Why this is so
we may never know.
When you consider their great work, the
delicacy of their structure, the ease with
which they are deranged, can you wonder at
the ill-health of our men and women? Health
and long life cannot be expected when so vi-
tal an organ is impaired. No wonder some
writers say we are degenerating. Don't you
sea the great, the extreme importance of
keeping this machinery in working order!
Could the finest engine do even a fractional
part of this work, without attention f rom
the engineer! Don't you see how dangerous
this hidden disease is! It is lurking bout
us constantly, without giving any indie atioc
of its presence. i
The mcst skillful physicians cannc detect
it at times, for the kidneys themselves can
Hot be examined by any means. ?e have at
our command. Even an analy'yof the water,
chemically and microscopically, reveals
I nothing definite in many case., even when
tfte Kidneys are fairly broken down.
Then look out for them, as disease, no mat
ter where situated, to per cent., as shown
by after-death examinations, has its origin
in th i breaking down of these secreting tubet
in the interior of the kidney.
As y outvalue health, as you desire long life
free from sicknes and suffering, give these
organs some attention.' Keep them in good
condition and thus prevent (as is easily done)
all disease.
Warner's Safe Cure, as it become t year af
ter vear bitter known for its wonderful cure
and its power over the kidneys, ha don and
is doing more to increase tha average dura
tion of life than all the physicians and meli
cines known. Warner's Safe Cure is a trus
spe uric, mild but certain, harmless but ener
getic and agreeable to the tasta.
Take it when sick as a cure, and never let
a month po by if you need it, without taking
a few bottles as a preventiye, that the kid
neys may be kept in' proper. order, the blood
pure, that health and long life may be your
blessing. H. H. Wahner & Co.
Indulge no doubts they are tra'tprs.
Prevent crooked boots and blistered heels by
wearing Lyou's Patent Heel Stiffenrrs.
If pffli'cted with sore eyes use Dr. Isaac Thomp
son's Eye-water. Druggists sell at 25c.per botlie .
Bronchitis is cured by frequent small doses
of Piso'e Cu e for Consuinj-t on.
A classic "chin" A conversation in Greek.
"DOH'T PAY A BIG PBICE !"
lee Oamo P"" tor Yar rabscrtp.
DO OerlLS ttcnt)tbe weekly American
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RURAL HOME CO, Ltj..
With eat Preinlnm65r. ayear 1 RnrHKTKR N. Y,
: 1 . ;
No op tt Cut Off Hontt Manis
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M HttlDLK Corabla4U cannot
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Hardware and tiarnessueaiers
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KoeHtrr. S. Y.
Plao's Hemedy for Catarrh Is the
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ViTW W sTJ W
Also rood for Cold In
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WCLAIMS.V.
KINDS itrosecmed
without lr ubImi
gncceiHi. TWEXTV-TWO V EARS' EX-
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MXLO B. STEVENS & GO.
WASniXOTON. D. C. CLEVr LAVD. oniO.
CHICAGO, ILL. DfcTROiT. MICH.
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Vernta Atsiia Care urttr fit k.
imm'diatt relief ia the wort ti latum com-t
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i 4
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Dlall S rlllSi Rheumatic Remedy.
O tsU tfaxt.gl.OO ynd 6Q Ctsw '
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