Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / April 22, 1993, edition 1 / Page 11
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Exam time, kids, caffeine and power naps calling Well, the fun-fun-fun of fi nals is waiting just around the comer like a mugger ready to stomp your be hind. They’re the only obstacle left between you and a summer of scholastic detox. If you’ve spent the past few months basking in the glory of your friendly neighborhood bars rather than spend ing your nights holed up with the Sanford and Son furniture in the Davis study lounges, you might be having a little anxiety attack right about now. Here are some handy-dandy survival tips on the Wonderful World of Finals: Caffeine: 1 know I’ve droned on and on about this before, but I really can’t stress how important 1 feel caffeine is to the world of academia. I’ve spent long hours babbling incoherently to my good friend Mr. Coffee. After I’ve downed a Hollywood's new wave of crusading feminists: Hear 'em roar Have you heard about the “new breed of actress” who “plays by her own rules” and "makes, no apologies for taking charge of her life”? I thought so. You’ve been reading People, too, right? You saw this cover story. So you probably already know just exactly which crusading feminists of the nine ties we’re talking about here: Sharon “Basic Instinct" Stone, Shannen “90201” Doherty, Kim “The Marrying Man” Basinger, Sean Young and Nicollete Sheridan. They are Woman, hear them roar. Here’s what it evidently takes to be a Strong Woman in Hollywood: 1. Dump a boyfriend or husband every three months and then call him a whiny, sexless, boring wimp. 2. Talk about everybody you work for like they’re losers. 3. Use the F-word a lot. 4. Go to night clubs where you can get involved in brawls photographed by paparazzi. 5. Never wear a bra, and when you walk past photographers, lean in that direction. 6. When people ask you why you get involved in brawls and fall out of your clothes whenever a photographer is around, say, "I’m my own person. 1 live my life the way 1 want to live my life, and 1 make apologies to no one.” Then suggest where everybody can go who doesn’t like it. Use the F-word when you say this. 7. Agree to be on TV shows, then back out at the last minute. This will demonstrate your artistic integrity. 8. Agree to be in a movie. Wait until the producers spent millions of dollars and make dozens of overseas sales of the rights. Then decide you don’t want to be in the movie after all. Act “shocked” when a court decides this is not fair in busi ness. 9. Pose for a lot of pictures where you use obscene gestures and wear slutty, yet fashionable, clothes. 10. Hire a personal psychic. 11. When you become a millionaire, don’t be like everyone else, who talks about how “fortunate” they are. Talk about how much you deserve it and KEVIN KRUSE good six cups or so, I’ve got enough energy to last a looooong while. Forget crammingfor American Stud ies, I wanna go flip a car. I mean a big hulking piece of chrome and steel like a 1974 Buick Roadmaster, the kind of car that can comfortably seat a family of 12 as it chokes along the highway getting two miles to the gallon of leaded gaso line. As you can tell, I’m currently a tad JOE 808 BRIGGS how hard you’ve worked for it and how nobody understands you. 12. Never use the word “selfish.” 13. Always use the word “true,” as in “I’ve got to be true to myself,” “I’ve got to be true to what I know is best for me,” and “I’ve got to be true to what my personal manager tells me.” 14. Fire everybody who didn’t make you richer or more famous this year. 15. Refuse to rehearse. 16. Demand rewrites. 17- Reject co-stars in such a way that they never know it was you who fired them. 18. Spend four hours a day on your body. 19. Make everybody else pay for ev ery thing you do. 20. When you get fired, act stunned when nodody helps you get anew job. I love the weaker sex, don’t you? Speaking of women who always get their way, we now continue our exhaus tive coverage of the career of Traci Lords with the amazing news that... She actually did take acting lessons! In her lastest movie, In tent to Kill, she successfully delivers every single line without once doing the corpse-like Traci Pout. She also kicks off the spiked heels for some stunning kung fu work, squeezes off a few semi-automatic rounds, drives like a bat out of Hong Kong, and roams around El Lay, throwing rapists off bal conies to make herself feel better. 1 think Traci has arrived. She’s just minding her own business, trolling Hollywood Boulevard as an undercover hooker, when she gets lured into the limo of a Colombian drug dealer, threatened with a knife, flung out on the pavement, led on a high speed chase with multiple crashes and bums, and then blamed by her captain, the toupeed Yaphet Kotto, for killing too many people. To make matters worse, her live-in boyfriend and partner is picking up two bit floozies in the middle of the after noon and bringing them home to make the sign of the four-legged couch mon ster, and South American terrorists are caffeinated, courtesy of 100 percent Uh- Huh!, if you catch my meaning. Anyhoo, the pure adrenaline power of caffeine, while it may make you as calm as Sam Kinison, will definitely help you through your textbooks. Power Naps: A brief period of slum ber is usually important in the pre-exam cram process. A true all-nighter is about as wise a move as gargling Drano or thrusting a fork in the toaster after a jammed piece of Wonder Bread. With out some downtime, your brain will turn to tapioca. In the words of Lloyd from Say Anything, “You must chill!” Find a place to go fetal and have yourself a ten-minute ho-down of sleep. Just enough to rest the eyes, but not so long that your body feels the tempta tion of your Craftmatic Adjustable Bed. Scholastic Environment: I’m not saying you need to sequester yourself in bursting into restuarants where she’s trying to digest her arugula. How can she possibly ha ve time to counsel abused women and teach a martial arts self defense class when she nees to be over at the prison interviewing sleazoid in formants and staking out hotels where cokehead call girls might lead her to Mr. Big? In other words, we’ve got drugs, we’ve got sex, we’ve got automobiles flying through the air, we’ve got some really big guns that shoot really fast. And, of course, we’ve got Traci Lords in her underwear. What more could you ask for? This is the best movie ever released by PM Entertainment, the new leader in topless-bar kung-fu action melodra mas. Fourty-three dead bodies. Two mo tor vehicle crashes, with six explosions. Six gunfights. Sexist-pig beating. Mul Make you . v look Good. F at glamour Shots., complimentary makeover AMMWk and hairstyling * OUr War^r °' X ' UAL. for an appointment today! •Portraits additional Satisfaction guaranteed Open seven days a week. © 1993 GtampurdhoLs. HIGH FASHION PHOTOGRAPHY the bowels of academia. However, any one who thinks that the second floor of Davis or anywhere in the Undergrad is “a studious atmosphere” obviously would also classify Charles Manson as “a people person.” Only Helen Keller could lounge in the second floor of Davis without being distracted. The endless chattering so rority mixer floats around the floor with the ease of illegal food and drink. I always feel like I could shout “Hey, Mary Beth!” and get a chorus of “Yes?" from the area. Except for the numerous stacks of books, it’s the kind of Aryan Youth fest you’d find at Molly’s. The Undergrad is okay after the weak have been weeded out, around 4 a.m. or so. Until then, it’s a little too festive for hitting the books. Brief and Irrational Periods of Total Goofiness: Coupled with the stress and tiple Kung Fu, some of it extremely brutal. Drive-In Academy Award nomina tions for Scott Patterson, as Traci’s sleazeball boyfriend, forsaying“We live together, we work together we gotta die together?”; Yaphet Kotto, as the hard-drinking captain, who screams all his lines, like “And what was your in tent? To kill?” Also, Traci Lords, for catching her boyfriend in flagrante aardvarkus and blowing up his car, Angelo Tiffe, as one of the nastiest bad guys I’ve ever seen in recent years, a deranged coke-sniffing killer who shoots his own woman in the back, for saying “Kings don’t die” And Elena Sahagun, as the hooker with a heart of lead, who dances around nekkid to amuse herself, works Holly wood Boulevard for the fun of it, pours three pounds of cocaine down her throat, and says “I’m gonna tell him Page 3 DTH "• Omnibus Thursday • April 22, 1993 the Jolt cola, you’re bound to wind up a few tacos short of a combo platter. Don’t be scared. Run with it. Borderline insanity is occasionally good. (Don’t quote me on that one, though. I’d hate to feel responsible for some nut picking off students with a high-power rifle from atop the Bell Tower or some crazed loner taking hos tages at a Burger King, demanding a personal interview with Dan Cortese. “Always such a nice boy,” the neigh bors would say to the cops. “Must’ve been that Kevin Kruse column that pushed him over the edge ... “) Go loony, but please keep your hands and legs inside the ride at all times, if you catch my drift. So, my children, may the Force be with you. Keep the eye of the tiger, fight the power and be all that you can be. Rock out. bow you treat me!” right before “he” shoots her. Finally, Charles Kanganis, the writer and director, for doing it the drive-in way. Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out. Fine 1 Southern Dining I- \ Crook’s 610 W. Franklin St. Chapel Hill, NC Walk-ins welcome. Reservations accepted. 929-7643 Menu changes daily. Bar & Dining Room open every night at 6pm. Sunday Brunch 10:30am-2pm. Patio open, weather permitting. IF rr BENDS, ITS FUNNY. if rr breaks, rrs not, OMNIBUS
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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April 22, 1993, edition 1
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