8 Thursday, February 15,1996 Cheap Films Attempt to Re-Create Blockbusters BY BRENT SIMON STAFF WRITER I will begin with a confession of sorts: I am a movie whore. I freely admit that. But seek help? What are you, crazy? Movies are so much better than real life because they provide instant canned emotion. Any feeling you want, you can get. Life, on the other hand, is full of exams, campus elec tions and other irrelevancies. What a drag. Now, perhaps I’m not the best person to be bringing this problem to the fore (after all, I actually liked “Regarding Henry” and “Bebe’s Kids”), but the problem as I see it is that too many films these days are nothing but cheap, exploitive rehash and drivel that play upon the public’s stupidity and—oh, wait a second, that’s politics. At any rate, I wouldn’t be quite as bothered if movies were better disguised garbage, but recently, Hollywood has been treating pride like Macaulay Culkin “Home Alone,” baby. First off, there are the obvious prob lems, namely the large number of cheap, rip-off movies with eerily familiar titles that go straight to video and star people like Shannon Tweed, Michael Lorenzo and Harry Hamlin. All it takes is one hit like “Fatal Attraction,” “Basic Instinct” or (for argument’s sake) “Body ofEvidence.” This, in turn, launches the careers of hun dreds of non-talented, busty blondes (a rarity in California, I understand) in mov ies lie “Body of Instinct,” “Basic Attrac tion,” “Bodies of Evidence,” “Fatal In stinct,” “Basically It’s an Instinctive At traction With Some Fatal Evidence,” and of course, “Don’t Tell Mom, The Babysitter’s Dead.” You can also run into trouble when someone else is renting for you, because when you tell them to pick up “One Good Cop, ” you’ll end up with “Kin dergarten Cop” or “Cop-Out.” Second, in addition to all the movies with similar titles and plots, there are the actors and actresses who don’t help the situation by playing the same role in every movie in which they appear. For instance, what’s the name of the movie where Anne Archer plays an overshadowed wife and winces a lot? “Fatal Attraction”? “Patriot Games”? “Clear and Present Danger”? And what’s that movie where Melanie Griffith plays a spunky, independent bimbo? Where Harvey Keitel bares his ass, yells a lot, and makes you wonder if he’s mentally stable? Where Gene Hackman Bad Taste in Music Continues To Disturb Western Society Okay, I give up. Of all the possible candidates, of all the gifted individu als who could have contributed their not inconsiderable talents to the event, why her? Who the hell picked Diana Ross to sing at the Supetbowl? I mean, somewhere down the line, some onehadtoputhernameonthelist. “Mariah Carey? Nah she doesn’t look reptilian enough. Bruce Springsteen? Good idea, excepthe’shad a hit single within the last three decades. Weneed some one hideous and with abso lutely no fol lowingwhatso- ever ... Wait! I’ve got it!” I can just imagine the tension in the air as the half- BEN FISHER AND THEN I- MED time committee dialed up Diana’s man ager to see if she was still alive. And that’s just part of the problem. Bad judgment in musical selection has also spread to UNC’s campus (and no, I’m not talking about WXYC. The Armenian Kazoo Quartet performing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” in Cantonese is a great musical selection, thank you very much). I’m talk ing about the artist (snicker) most recently chosen to play at the Smith Center. Again, rather than picking a band with a strong following, or at least a recent album, someone decided on Rod Stewart. The man, who’s last hit single was “Bro- (ARNAVAL BRASiIfIRO cf* ora) rtie Chapel Hill- Ay yff Saturday, February 17 the Brazilian version of Mardi Gras. Arts Center, Featuring traditional and new carnaval and 300 East Main Street, Carrboro SAMBA sounds, Cornoval gives you o $7.00 advance, SB.OO door chance to experience a truly Brazilian // J Tickets available at the Arts Center evening, complete with complimentary (9] 929-2787 black beans and rice. So, put on your wI/ O r . a ... MASKS, and a comfortable pair ct rhoerj**) V Capoeaa demaartratraa DANCE the night away. /j£ samba lessons at 9:30!