6
Thursday, February 3, 2000
Voluptuous Teen Vixens, Naughty But Nice
I’ve noticed something rather pecu
liar recently. Whenever Comedy
Central is running a crappy movie
and I’m forced to scan other channels
(really, how many times can you sit
through John Candy’s “Delirious”
without shooting yourself?), I find
myself invariably stopping at MTV.
This wouldn’t be particularly odd 10
years ago, when MTV was like moth
er’s milk to an adolescent. But nowa
days, it just doesn’t seem so important.
So why do I find myself listening to
Carson Daly’s inane drivel and watch
ing morons scream, “I’m Lindsay from
Queens and I requested ‘Girl, I Want
to Sing Somewhat Suggestive
Innuendoes to You All Night Long’ by
the Non-Threatening White Guys
because I think the song’s great and
the guys are so hot! Woooo!”
Why do I suffer through this? For
the same reason I always stop at the
Spanish channel - hot chicks.
They’re all over. Say what you will
about Britney Spears and Christina
Aguilera, but the fact remains - when
they’re on the screen, I inadvertendy
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DAVID POVILL
DUTY CALLS
do a fantastic impression of Odie,
Garfield’s slobbering sidekick.
I know what you’re all thinking:
pedophiles don’t belong at this univer
sity. Well, Britney and Christina are
both over 18, so BACK OFF!
Seriously, though, it’s getting out of
hand. Jessica Simpson and Mandy
Moore, both of whom look exaedy like
Veronica Vaughan from “Billy
Madison," are simply jailbait.
Spears recently came under attack
by angry mothers for her outfit at the
American Music Awards show. She
showed up in some slinky little silver
thing with a neckline that plunged so
DIVERSIONS Etc.
low it was closer to a waisdine.
Whatever you call it, mothers of
teenyboppers made a beeline for the
phone line, calling anyone and every
one to voice their distaste.
These mothers - let’s call them
MILFs (Mothers Involved in the Lives
of their Fourteen-year-olds) - contend
that these stars are acting irresponsibly
by flaunting their God-given (or man
made, as the case may be) attributes.
The little girls who idolize these
singers will see them dressed like
hoochies and rush out to Rave to buy
some hot pants with a patch on the ass
that says, “Spank Me!” on one cheek
and “I’ve Been Naughty!” on the other.
Now that may sound a little far
fetched. Is it, though? I personally
went straight to the horse’s mouth (i.e.
AOL chat rooms with titles like
“Britnee Spars Fan Klub”) to get the
real scoop. I posed questions like,
“What did people think of Britney’s
outfit at the AMA show? Did it set a
bad example for girls like yourselves?”
The responses were quite surprising.
The most common were “age/sex/
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location check,” “LOL,” and “Anyone
wanna chat?” which I took to be some
teenybopper code. After days of analy
sis, I believe the encrypted message
was “Spank me! I’ve been naughty!”
All joking aside though, I was very
surprised by what the girls (or dirty
old men disguised as girls) had to say.
Most thought that Britney is too
young to wear what she wears. When I
asked if they would ever wear some
thing like Britney’s outfits (a question
worded very delicately so as to avoid
federal prosecution), most replied, “No
way! Maybe when I’m 20 or some
thing.” So from what I can tell, these
girls are not idiots (although some of
their spelling might indicate other
wise). They can and do use discretion
when dressing themselves.
It makes sense. You always hear
girls talking to each other about some
scantily clad female. They say things
like “Look at that slut.” Rarely do you
hear them say, “I wish I could have
both of MY ass cheeks sticking out of
the bottom of my shorts like that!”
But maybe the irate mothers have a
point. I certainly would never want
any daughter of mine to walk around
like a floozy. Maybe we should be
more responsible and have these love
ly young ladies stop flaunting their
tight tushies, for the sake of the tikes.
Now that I think about it, I say cover it
up, for the kids. Please, nothing low
cut. Go change, for the children!
Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? I’m
a guy. I want my MTV!
David Povill can be reached at
pfunk@email.unc.edu.
STARTING A REVOLUTION ISNT EASY.
VIEWING ONE IS.
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Arts#
Entertainment
Calendar
MUSIC
The
929-2787.
Cat’s Cradle. 300 E. Main St, Canboro. 967-9053.
Go! Rehearsals Room 4.100 Brewer Lane,
Canboro. 969-1400.
Local 506. 506 W. Franklin St. 942-5506.
Thursday, Feb. 3
■ Cowboy Mouth at Cat’s Cradle.
■ Dismemberment Plan w/Alkaline THo
and Fura at Go! Studios.
Friday, Feb. 4
a Royal IVux at Go! Studios.
a Bio Ritmo w/ Baaba Seth at Cat’s
Cradle.
a Amanda Maris at The Coffee Mill
Roastery.
a UNC Clefhangers at 8 p.m. in Carroll
Hall, UNC campus.
Saturday, Feb. 5
a Jets to Brazil w/ American, ’Riming
Maching and Paper Heroes at Cat’s Cradle,
a Bicycle Thief at The Coffee Mill Roastery.
a WXYC/WXDU Prom at Go! Studios,
a UNC Wind and Jazz ensembles at 8 p.m.
in Hill Hall, UNC campus.
Bizbuiz
Entertainment News
I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on
a Meathook...
Ben Affleck has basically disowned a
15-minute 1994 film short that credits
him as director. This is understandable
because the film’s oh-so-wholesome title
is “I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her
on a Meathook, and Now I Have a
Three-Picture Deal at Disney.”
Affleck agreed to shoot this black
comedy about sexism in Hollywood at
the behest of a former girlfriend. She
assumed ownership, but has been mar
keting the short under Affleck’s name.
“It is frustrating, as I feel she is will
ing to misrepresent and embarrass me
for her own financial gain,” Affleck
announced at his official Web site. “...
you should know it is a very old movie
and has little to do with me.”
Has this stopped Affleck fans from
watching the short at AtomFilms.com?
Hardly. It is one of the most popular
films at the site.
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■ UNC Ciefhangen at 6:30 p.m. and 9 p.m.
at Carroll Hall, UNC campus.
Sunday, Feb. 6
■ Machine Head w/Reveille at Cat’s Cradle.
■ Arto Lindsay at Go! Studios. SB.
Monday, Feb. 7
■ Old 97's at Cat’s Cradle.
Tuesday, Feb. 8
■ Steele Pulse at Cat’s Cradle.
Wednesday, Feb. 9
■ Gutter w/ Owsley at Cat’s Cradle.
ART
■ “From the Molecular to the Galactic:
The Art of Max Ernst and Alfonso
Ossorio.” Through March 26. Ackland Art
Museum, UNC campus. 966-5736.
■ “Transatlantic Dialogue: Contemporary
Art in and Out of Africa.” Through
March 26. Ackland Art Museum, UNC
campus. 966-5736.
THEATER
■ “The Glass Menagerie.” Play Makers
Repertory Cos. Feb. 5-27. Paul Green Theatre,
UNC campus. 962-PLAY.
■ “Why We Have a Body.” Lab! Theatre.
Friday through Tuesday. Old Playmakers
Theatre, UNC campus.
■ “Oleanna.” Company Carolina. Friday to
Sunday. Swain Hall Studio 6, UNC campus.
FILM
■ “Field of Dreams.” 7 p.m. Saturday; 10
p.m., Sunday. Carolina Union Auditorium.
■ “For Love of the Game” 10 p.m. Saturday;
7 p.m. Sunday, Carolina Union Auditorium.
eDANZ.com
Your Thursday night entertainment
search has just gotten easier, thanks to
the increasing integration of the Internet
into daily life. Anew comprehensive
dance site, eDANZ.com, allows stu
dents to search for dance clubs and local
events in a matter of minutes. The new
site not only includes a searchable
national directory with everything from
live performances to drink specials, but
also weekly news and reviews and an
ALL DANZ radio station, which broad
casts dance music 24 hours a day.
Unspun City
Everyone’s favorite TV crush from
the ’Bos, Michael J. Fox, announced Jan.
18 his resignation from the hit series
“Spin City.” Fox resigned to focus on his
battle with Parkinson’s disease. He
wanted to leave on his own terms
before the disease debilitated him.
According to an “Access Hollywood”
interview, Fox is still capable of per
forming despite his nerve disorder. At
the moment though, he wants to con
centrate on “more important stuff” like
lobbying for a cure for Parkinson’s.
Compiled by Joanna Pearson