8
Thursday, March 2, 2000
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WHATPIMT
Are You from?
To save his planet,
an alien must
find a woman
on Earth
to have his baby.
There’s just
one
problem.
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Words of Wisdom From Kevin Smith
As I watched the cult classic
“Mallrats” for the 37th time the
other night, I had a bit of an
epiphany. Well, a few epiphanies, to be
exact. (I’m not sure how many epipha
nies one can safely have at one time, but
I’m pretty sure I was pushing the limit.)
First of all, Shannen Doherty got
much better looking after leaving
“Beverly Hills 90210” - oh my god, Tori
Spelling’s breasts are about to explode.
And she’s a million times better looking
now than she was on “Our House.”
(Remember that show? With the
Quaker Oats guy and the kid that was
always in Teen Beat magazine?)
Second, Joey Lauren Adams, best
known for her role in “Biodome” (by
me, at least), should get naked more
often. It’s not like she hasn’t done it
before. She did it in “Mallrats,” but not
“Chasing Amy.” What’s up with that?
Thirdly, and most importantly, the
sage-like advice contained in Kevin
Smith’s Jersey Trilogy (“Clerks,”
“Mallrats” and “Chasing Amy") is so
pertinent to anyone and everyone that
I believe it is necessary to compile his
greatest hits into one clear, concise col
lection. I present to you “Everything I
Ever Needed to Know I Learned From
Kevin Smith Movies.” (So, put the bong
down and pay attention.)
1. “My grandma used to say, ‘Why
buy the cow when you can get the sex
for free.’” -Jay, “Clerks”
In other words, if you can successful
ly sneak an outside cup into a kegger, do
so. Take a girl out to dinner only after
you have found that you can’t get in her
pants by getting her drunk. Never offer
to match someone. Never! (Also, the
quote seems to endorse bestiality, which
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DAVID POVILL
DUTY CALLS
is a good thing. One of the most impor
tant steps in mental health is embracing
one’s own bestial urges.)
2. “Sometimes I’m in the mood for
nasty close-ups, sometimes I like ’em
already in airbrush, sometimes it’s a
spread brown-eye kind of night, some
times it’s girl-on-girl time, sometimes a
steamy letter will do, sometimes, not
often but sometimes, I like the idea of a
chick -with a horse.” - Banky Edwards,
“Chasing Amy”
Variety is the spice of life, dear
friends. I couldn’t have said it better
myself. (And again, we see someone
who is not afraid to admit his affection
for animals.)
3. “A little word of advice, my friend.
Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to
reach chips go." - Dante Hicks,
“Clerks”, (after helping remove a cus
tomer’s hand from the menacing grip of
a can of Pringles)
Almost Shakespearean in its elo
quence, although there is unfortunately
no reference to critter love, this line
serves to reinforce the famous line from
Homer (Simpson, that is), “Kids, you
tried hard, and it didn’t work. The les
son is, never try.”
4. “It’s important to have a job that
(Hljp laily (Tar Heel
makes a difference, boys. That’s why I
manually masturbate caged animals for
artificial insemination.” - female cus
tomer, “Clerks”
I just threw this in to balance out the
nonbestial nature of the last quote. But
it’s good advice, nonetheless.
5. Jay: “My grandma used to say ...
What’s a good plate with nothing on it?”
Dante: “Meaning?”
Jay: “I don’t know. She was senile
and shit. She used to f-— ’ piss herself all
the time. And shit herself.”
Silent Bob: “You know, there’s a mil
lion fine-looking women in the world,
dude, but they don’t all bring you
lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat
on you.” - “Clerks”
the idea here is a recurring theme in
all Smith flicks. A good woman (or man
... or barnyard animal for anyone who’s
been taking any of this seriously) is hard
to find. When you do have the good
luck of finding one, don’t let her/him/it
go. If you’re not sure how to keep them
from getting away, I suggest duct tape. It
always works for me.
So there it is, in all its glory,
“Everything I Ever Needed to Know' I
Learned from Kevin Smith Movies.” If
you feel you’ve been short-changed, I’ll
even throw in a little bonus advice:
“There are three rules that I live by:
Never sleep less than 12 hours, never
sleep with a woman that has a dagger tat
tooed on her shoulder and never play
cards with a guy who has the same first
name as a town. Now you stick to that
and everything is gonna be cream
cheese.” - basketball coach, “Teen Wolf”
Dave Povill can be reached at
pfunk@email. unc. edu.
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