8
Thursday, July 27, 2000
Brian Frederick
EDITOR
Jonathan Chaney
MANAGING EDITOR
Board Editorials
Chapel Hell
In its continuing saga to prevent growth, the Chapel Hill Town
Council prudently kept Jesus Christ from building Heaven in town.
The Chapel Hill Town Council faces vex
ing problems every week, from outlawing
the death penalty, to stopping pesky busi
nesses that want to clutter Franklin Street
with drive-thru windows, to the War on
Urban Sprawl.
But perhaps their biggest challenge came
at this week’s meeting, when Jesus Christ
came before them to ask for a building per
mit. It seems He wanted to build an addition
to Heaven right on Franklin Street, where the
Wicked Burrito used to be.
And when the Town Council stood their
ground against promoting any sort of growth
in Chapel Hill (except for the large, extrav
agant housing developments that are des
perately needed) by telling God’s son “nay”
on his building permit request, they made
the right call.
After using an overhead projector to dis
play His image for the Heaven addition,
Christ stood humbly before the Council and
asked if there were any questions. And that’s
when the onslaught began.
“Jesus, I’m not sure how this new addition
to our town will affect parking. That’s what
I’m really concerned about. We need to tem
per growth,” said Council member Joe
Capowski. Right-ojoe.
Our Savior tried to explain that most of
the traffic in Heaven comes from angels, who
have no need to drive cars or require park
ing. But the Council wisely took His words as
a grain of salt.
“Jesus Christ, what about walkways in
Heaven. Will it be pedestrian friendly? Will
there be green spaces? What about bike
paths in the Garden of Eden?” Council mem
ber Pat Evans heatedly questioned.
Council member Joyce Brown brought up
Dive Right In
UNC has a lot of problems on campus. But none are as important or
divisive as our deplorable lack of diving boards at all UNC pools.
We’re moving into the dog days of sum
mer. Yet there is scant relief for students who
want to have a little fun at any swimming
hole around UNC.
That’s because there are no diving boards
to be found at any of the recreational pools
on campus available for students to use.
And it is a flagrant wrong that is in need of
immediate correction by new Chancellor
James Moeser, or BOG head honcho Molly
Broad or whoever is in charge of that kind of
thing.
But until then, returning students face the
spectre of no more cannonballs. No more
can openers. No more preacher seats.
Well, just say “no more” to our lack of div
ing boards.
Athletics officials in charge of such impor
tant things as this repeatedly claim that they
do not allow diving boards for numerous
safety reasons.
Apparently, some swimmers do not want
a 350-pound linebacker doing belly flops and
cannonballs in the pools while they stroke it.
Doing laps in the pool, that is.
“Oh I go stroking all the time,” said sopho
more Emily Askew from Wilson. “I work out
sometimes, but I wouldn’t mind having a
diving board to do some Wonder Woman
twirls off of.”
Officials also claim that for liability rea
sons, they cannot install any diving boards.
They fear that some poor student might
crack their head open like a ripe watermelon
if they dive incorrecdy.
C’mon boys. If you’re in college, and can’t
dive off a stationary platform into a large
pool of water without slamming your head
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a good point about the financial concerns
this new project would create. “I’m con
cerned about taxing angels. Is that feasible?
How much tax revenue will these new citi
zens bring in? Since many of the angels will
not have jobs, will there be a problem with
them panhandling on Franklin Street?”
Jesus tried to dodge the questions. “I just
thought that since Satan had built a gateway
to Hell on Duke’s campus, it would be fitting
for Me to build an addition to Heaven here,”
Our Lord tried to plead with the Council. “I
thought you fine people would be honored
to have Heaven built in your town.”
“We are honored, of course,” Chapel Hill
Mayor Rosemary Waldorf quickly respond
ed. “But we’re just agonizingly cautious with
our land use. Will there be affordable hous
ing in Heaven? Will the housing units create
added noise around the residential areas
behind Franklin Street? Will You be needing
garbage collection in Heaven? Because we
use curbside pickup now, You know. These
are some of the questions we need answered
before we can authorize a committee to take
Your request under consideration for future
action, You see.”
But by the time the votes were tallied,
Christ was left packing up His transparencies
and heading out without the permit He need
ed to build Heaven.
And good riddanfce.
Chapel Hill is simply too crowded for the
added traffic that a Heaven outlet would
bring. There comes a point when a town has
to put their collective foot down and crush
any sense of progress or growth. And the
Town Council has gotten very good at doing
that.
Thank God we have them on our side.
into concrete, it’s likely you wouldn’t make it
too long in the real world anyway.
Obviously, you’ve been protected from
harming yourself by your momma for way
too long.
I believe Darwin had a word for it: natur
al selection.
So for the student who is jonesing for some
airtime next visit to Woolen Gym, what is
there to do?
Bring your own damn diving board.
It shouldn’t be difficult to build one your
self with some two by fours and nails. Check
your friendly Lowe’s attendant for more
instructions, or get some books by Bob Vila
or Martha Stewart.
And let’s face it. No one is watching the
pools anyway. Who would try and stop a stu
dent if they brought their own equipment in?
While you’re at it, bring a little sliding
board for a change of pace to liven things up.
Or a Slip and Slide.
“I mean, I’ve brought plenty of things to
the pool before without getting into trouble.
Men, booze, diving boards, I mean, they just
don’t give a rat’s ass,” said Kate Hartig, a
junior from the Outer Banks. “What are they
gonna do, blow a whistle at me?”
So go out to the woodshop and get busy
building your diving board. Send a message
to the administration that you’re here, and
that you’re tired of being ignored and you’re
not going to take it anymore. This is our gen
eration’s Vietnam. Heed the call to action.
But until the powers-that-be get in gear
and give int to our demands, we have to take
care of this problem ourselves the old fash
ioned college student way: break the rules.
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Justin Winters
ARTS/ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
Will Kimmey
SPORES EDITOR
Staff Survives Summer at DTH
Before beginning my tenure as summer
editor, I spoke with last year’s summer
editor, Ashley. She spoke of the long
hours, the low pay and the attrition of her
staffers.
As I flipped through the bound volume of
last summer’s issues, I noticed that Ashley’s
name appeared in the byline with increasing
frequency as the summer progressed.
I envisioned a summer DTH “Survivor”
series, where I would be the last one report
ing, writing and editing.
Fortunately, DTH Isle was far from desert
ed. Rather, more writers seemed to wash
ashore every week. They brought with them
tales of being editors of their high school
papers.
Incredibly, most managed to survive, even
thrive on stories about student politics, con
struction and financial aid. And they came
back the next week to write again.
This is not to say we were forced to feed on
rats all summer.
The bond proposal was handed to voters
during our first week, giving us a substantial
story on which to feast, as we still got to know
one another.
There were weeks without meat and pota
toes, though. One week, a story about intra
mural field renovations made it above the fold
on the front page.
But often, it seemed as if the newspaper
gods were teasing us.
The paper came out on Thursday in the
summer, which of course meant news never
occurred until after went to press Wednesday
evening.
A plane crashed in Chapel Hill,
Cartoonist Jeff Mac Nelly died.
Bush Rips Excitement from Race
Last week, I lambasted A1 Gore over his
possible running mate selection. And so,
since George W. Bush made his selec
tion for a running mate on Tuesday, and there
was a gaping hole in the editorial page that
needed filling, I surmise it’s only fitting and
fair for me to analyze the next Vice President
of the United States: Dick Cheney.
I must admit that I eagerly anticipated
Dubya’s announcement for his VP choice. He
had several exciting and interesting options
before him.
A ticket with John McCain as second in
command would have buried any hope Gore
had of defeating the GOP in November.
But Bush, wisely, was feared the Arizona
senator would have overshadowed him.
Bush and retired General Colin Powell
would have been a dream team for the
Republicans, but Powell has continually resist
ed callings to the political mainstage. So the
most we can hope for now is McCain as secre
tary of state and Powell as secretary of
defense. If Bush can secure their interest in
those posts, I doubt he will have a problem
winning back some of the independent votes
that Gore has won by default.
North Carolina native Elizabeth Dole was
another fascinating choice I would have liked
to have seen. A female vice president would
have been fitting for the 2000 election, herald
ing in anew age for women in American poli
tics. And unlike during the run of Geraldine
Ferraro, the country is prepared for a female
politician joining a presidential ticket.
But Bush passed on her as well. '
Going full circle, he finally settled on the
man he first approached about conducting his
vice presidential search: Dick Cheney. It’s a
solid, if not boring, choice.
Mike Ogle
SPORTS EDITOR
Caroline Hupfer
DESIGN EDITOR
fT
BRIAN FREDERICK
EDITOR
Coach Bill Guthridge retired.
Roy Williams said “no" to UNC.
All on a Thursday.
Fortunately, however, our biggest story
unfolded on a Tuesday: UNC hired Matt
Doherty to take over the men’s basketball
program.
We had one day to cover it and we nailed
it: a wonderful story on Doherty, great pic
tures and excellent editorials. Plus, we had a
fantastic reprint of an old DTH story on how
Doherty was the star of his senior game.
The summer also served as a jumpstart for
The DTH’s commitment to providing news
all day and night. This year, we will be using a
new service that will enable stories to go
online at any time of day.
We can take some pride in knowing that
our online edition scooped every media
source in the country, if only for an hour.
After Guthridge resigned, the AP, ESPN
and everyone else was reporting that Williams
had already agreed to take the job. Our site,
however, was the only one to report that this
was indeed false and Williams was undecided.
Okay, so I’m reaching, but I never thought
for a minute our summer on DTH Isle would
JONATHAN CHANEY
MANAGING EDITOR
Cheney brings national and international
political experience to the table that Bush is
lacking. He served as Wyoming’s representa
tive in the House from 1978-1988. And
President Bush tapped him as secretary of
defense in 1989. While at that post, he over
saw massive trimming of the defense budget
and navigated our country through the
Persian Gulf War.
So Cheney fills a gap in George W. Bush’s
foreign policy experience that Gore support
ers have trumpeted since he snagged the
Republican presidential nomination earlier
this year. The 59 year-old politico also adds a
sense of “maturity” to the Bush campaign. I
suspect that Cheney will become as much a
mentor for Bush during his first few months as
he will be his vice president.
So Bush has finally laid his full hand out on
the table for Gore to see. He’s made a solid,
politically safe move. A politician respected
on both sides of the aisle, Bush has seemingly
made it difficult for Democrats to find fault
with him.
But Democrats love a challenge, and
they’ve already begun the attack-dog tactics to
discredit Cheney. I think a quote from
Washington Times Editor-in-Chief Wesley
ahr Daily (Ear UM
Emily Schnure
PHOTO EDITOR
Josh Williams
ONLINE EDITOR
draw much interest from anyone other than
ourselves, and advertisers.
Sure, we had the characters.
An editor who “lacks visible enthusiasm.”
A managing editor who comes through in
the clutch.
A photo editor with a keen eye.
A bickering couple.
Two arrogant sports editors.
A witty design editor.
Several social butterflies.
Good thing we didn’t have to vote anyone
out or I might have been the first to go.
But there is no million dollar prize awaiting
the best DTHer.
There is no fame and little pay. What has
kept The DTH staff from abandoning the isle
in search of greener pastures?
A passion for journalism and a love of
UNC.
Whether they realize it or not, the students
who commit themselves to The DTH (many
thanks to the wonderful professional staff, by
the way) continue to make The DTH the
country’s best college newspaper.
I hope that everyone who worked for the
paper this summer takes as much pride as I
do in every issue we produced and uses this
summer as a vehicle for brighter locales.
Meanwhile, I will put out my torch as edi
tor and move on to my position as ombuds
man, or “old man of the paper.”
My shanty on the other side of DTH Isle
awaits.
Brian Frederick is a graduate student in the
School of Journalism and Mass Communication
from Lawrence, Kan. He can be reached at
brifred@yahoo.com.
Pruden explains the Democrats mentality as
compared to Republicans, effectively enough.
“Little Republican boys are not taught from
birth the thrill of ripping a rival’s head off and
stuffing down his throat. Thinkjames
Carville.”
Democrats will play the health card.
Cheney had three mild heart attacks before he
was appointed as secretary of defense. If Bush
dies, will Cheney have the heart to step up?
Bush handed out a recent doctor’s report
that gave Cheney a clean bill of health to try
and stem the attacks, but to no avail.
They’ll say that Cheney is drenched in oil
as much as Bush is, since he has been the
CEO of a Texas energy corporation since
leaving the political arena several years ago.
Democrats will also try to credit the elder
Bush with pushing Cheney onto George W.’s
ticket. After all, Cheney is a loyal Bush friend
and supporter and he did work for dear old
dad.
They’ll insinuate that Pops is pulling the
strings on the puppet, quietly and discreetly
guiding his son to victory over one of the men
that threw him out of office in 1992 from
behind the scenes.
But in the end, Bush decided not to risk
anything on a “fresh” or “interesting” candi
date who might destabilize his momentum. So
he gave the nod to a reliable, highly capable
man who will definitely not set the campaign
trail ablaze.
And though I support the decision, I’ve lost
a great deal of interest in the race. So just
wake me when November comes around.
Jonathan Chaney Is a junior political science
major from Concord. He can be reached via
email at jhchaney@email.unc.edu for anything.