®ljp Satly (Ear Brrl
Do Your 'Doody:' Let the
Inner Child Out to Play
Tn my brief stint as a business major
11 (Yes, I was accepted into the presti-
Agious Kenan-Flagler Business
School. Suckers.), I had the distinct
pleasure of learning all about regres
sion analysis. Apparently, it involves a
lot of numbers and Greek letters.
• Anyway, I thought I’d do my own
regression analysis in today’s column,
but on a more literal level. I’m going
to analyze my regression, from pseu
do-intelligent college student to bab
bling, drooling infant.
I might be overgeneralizing here,
but I think most of you know what I
jnean. There was a time when I theo
rized, pondered and explored. I was
known as “The Dictionary” by my
classmates.
; Now my nickname is “Doody.” And
J’m oddly proud of it. I even used it for
sie name of my column last year
(“Duty Calls” - get it?)
; What the hell happened to me?
What the hell happened to all of us?
In our cutthroat capitalist society,
we have been engineered to grow up
quickly. For some reason, growing up
means giving up most of your toys.
There’s less and less play time and
more and more work time. And as we
411 know, all work and no play makes
Jack start calling himself “Doody.”
‘ Of course, there’s nothing wrong
with regressing to the days when we
could make farting noises for hours
and never stop laughing. There’s no
harm in spinning around in a circle for
the sole purpose of getting dizzy and
vomiting on or near your best friend.
The danger arises only when these
natural urges are not given their appro
priate oudet and become repressed
deep within a student’s psyche, burn
ing and festering, until they explode
like some sort of mental diarrhea.
So, to combat this frightening men
ace, I propose a worldwide network of
regression centers, where people can
; ; 1 Illuminations
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DAVID POVILL
50... HOW'S YOUR GIRL
go to really find their inner-child, and
give him an atomic wedgie.
Upon entry to these regression cen
ters, students will be bombarded with
Nerf projectiles, while rambunctious
regressees give them the finger and
display other lewd hand gestures.
Once through the gauntlet, new
regressees can venture into a variety of
different areas, including the 24-hour
“Police Academy” movie marathons
(N.B. - only P.A. 1 through 5 will be
shown, as P.A. 6, “Mission to
Moscow,” was less a fun comedy and
more a hard-hitting political commen
tary on post-Cold War foreign affairs).
They can also explore the science
center, where an intense overhead
light simulates the sun’s rays, and thou
sands of ants scurry along frantically,
trying to avoid incineration by magni
fying glass.
Nintendo stations will treat nostalgic
students to the classics they grew up
with. Helium balloon corrals like those
in Harris Teeter will provide hours of
high-pitched entertainment, until the
eventual and inevitable stroke suffered
from lack of oxygen.
Not to worry, though - each center
will have an in-house medical team
specially trained in treating helium
blackouts, sit-and-spin-induced nausea
and Nerf-projectile-to-the-crotch.
David Povill can be reached at
pfunk@email.unc.edu.
DIVERSIONS
Manga Epic Tells Feudal Tale With Cinematic Flair
By Jeremy Hurt/.
Assistant Arts & Entertainment Editor
Samurai, swords and sex - “Lone
Wolf and Cub” reads like an Akira
Kurosawa film in fast-motion.
The first installment of one of the
most influential manga (Japanese comic
books) ever pub
lished is “The
Assassin’s Road”
(Dark Horse
Comics, $9.95), a
300-page book
collecting nine
, book->f
rey/ew/
"Lone Wolf and
Cub"
★ ★★★l/2
chapters of the story. Similar install
ments will follow monthly until the
8,000-page epic is complete.
These chapters follow Lone Wolf and
Cub through nine barely-connected
adventures. Lone Wolf and Cub (always
referred to as a unit) is a wandering duo
-a middle-aged warrior and the toddler
ward he pushes around Japan in a cart.
In his wanderings, the hardened
sword-for-hire encounters a village
enslaved by bandits, a double-crossing
assassin and various plots to kill various
important individuals. Graphic violence
often ensues, followed by moments of
serene beauty.
at the Square
7-0% I |T[ KU ■ I
University Square 133 W. Franklin Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina 27516 919-942-2044
Kazuo Koike’s characters reveal
themselves through the innovative art of
Goseki Kojima. Kojima’s expressive,
urgent faces predict the work of popular
artist Paul Pope (“Heavy Liquid”), and
his cinematic style obviously influenced
Frank Miller (“Sin City”), who drew
covers for the new editions.
The pages are smaller than most
American comics - smaller even than
the average paperback novel. But since
Kojima’s art doesn’t rely much on intri
cacy, the format isn’t frustrating.
Kojima makes use of a bevy of filmic
techniques to realize the comic’s setting.
The slowly dying feudal land comes
alive in wide panels of desolate towns
and lush mountainsides.
Overt visual imagery provides much
of the book’s emotional impact After a
peasant, brutally attacked by rogues,
plummets from a rope bridge, we’re
confronted with the book’s only full
page panel: the drowning man’s hand,
filling the foreground, reaching up
toward our hero.
In the final chapter, another image
initiates a flashback to the hero’s past.
He observes a child bouncing a ball sim
ilar to one his tiny ward once played
with. His remembrance reveals that he
was once an important man, and sets up
a narrative drive of greater urgency to
be fleshed out in future installments.
The comic’s first American publisher
only managed to print the first third or
so of the whole story. What’s more, it
omitted the first eight chapters.
Their reinstatement makes the new
edition a director’s cut of sorts. Over
250 pages pass before the revelation of
the hero’s identity. In this span we learn
who Lone Wolf and Cub is; that we
don’t know who he was lends his actions
a palpable mystique.
The Arts & Entertainment Editor
can be reached at artsdesk@unc.edu.
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CHAPEL HILL, NC 27514 (T^Ls
(919)929-5755 .
Thursday, September 28, 2000
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