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Qtyp Hath} Qlar Heel Lotsa Matzah: It's Not Easy Being Chosen In my family, every story ends with the same last line. “I swear, it was like something right out of a ‘Seinfeld’ episode." In my family, the only acceptable way to enter a conversation is to start yelling louder than the person who is currently speaking. In my family, play of any kind is strictly prohibited in the house. “You’ll take an eye out like that" You see, we are a Jewish family. You might not be able to tell at first glance (we had our horns surgically removed), but I’m one of God’s “cho sen ones” (referring to God’s decision to bestow upon my people his greatest gifts - chest hair and lactose intoler ance). I keep kosher, in that I feel very guilty while eating a delicious bacon double-cheese burger. I wear a yarmulke (pro nounced, “bee nee”) on my head on holidays. I’ve seen “Fiddler on the Roof" 17 times. So when I took “You see, we are a Jewish family. You might not be able to tell at first glance (we had our horns surgically removed), but I’m one of God’s ‘chosen ones’... ” my non-Jewish girlfriend (commonly referred to by Jewish parents as a “shiksa” or “just a phase”) home with me last week to meet my family and celebrate Passover with us, I realized that I was going to have a lot of explaining to do. “That’s ‘gefilte fish.’ It’s kind of like a meat loaf made out of fish. It tastes a little bit like sweet vomit. But if you put some of this horseradish on it, it tastes like bittersweet vomit. Try it.” Or “this is ‘matzah.’ It’s kind of like a big, bland cracker. Contrary to popu lar belief, it is not made from the blood of Christian babies. Really. Try it.” For those of you not “in the know,” Passover is essentially the celebration 300 E. Main Street * Canton APRIL I 12 TH KRS-ONE" ($18) 13 FR KELLY JOE PHELPS" (sl4) w/ RB Morris 14 SA REGGAE JAM (All Day Festival) 4 PM -2 AM 15 SU JETS TO BRAZIL" ($10) w/ The Love Scene 17 TU LEFTOVER SALMON" (sl6) 18 WE BLUEGROUND UNDERGRASS" ($8) w/ Llama 19 TH YONDER MOUNTAIN STRING BAND" ($6/$7) 20 FR CROOKED FINGERS w/ Azure Ray" ($7) 21 SA MELVINS/ FOLK IMPLOSION" (sl2) 22 SU GRANDADDYw/Virgil Shaw" ($8) 24 TU ZOSO (Led Zeppelin Tribute) 26 TH Deep Banana Blackout" ($8) 27 FR PHARCYDEw/Ugly Duckling" (sl6) 28 SA Jazz Mandolin Project" ($10) 29 SU Templars, APA, Beatdowns, Hooligans, The Agency ITU PROMISE RING w/Camden" ($10) 2WE PATTI SMITH" (S2O) 3TH MONSTER MAGNET" (sls) 4FR BIG SANDY SSA BUTCHIES, LE TIGRE, TAMI HART, KIK! & HERB (‘Mr Lady Showcase')" ($7) 7MO OUR LADY PEACE W/ American HI-Fl* (sl2) BTU LUCIANO" (sl7) 11 FR Cosmic Charlie 12 SA Sick of It All, Boy Sets Fire 15 TU Toadies" 17 TH JONATHA BROOKE" (sls) 18 FR GUIDED BY VOICES " (sl4) 19SA Two Dollar Pistols 20 SU TORTOISE 21 MO Guttermouth / Fenix TX /US Bombs" 25 FR Acoustic Syndicate" 26 SA MAYFLIES USA / ASHLEY STOVE / True Love Always 31 TH CHERYL WHEELER" (sl4) JUNE 11 MO John Scofield" (sl4) SHOWS @OOI Room 4: 4/12 Choose Your Own Adventure, Whisper 2000 4/13 Sweep the Leg Johnny, Disband 4/14 Delta 72, Snatches of Pink 4/17 River City High. Hot Rod Circuit, Midtown' 4/18 White Octave 4/19 Amish Jihad. 65 Filmshow 4/23 Action Slacks 4/24 The Glands. Work Clothes 4/26 Aftershock 5/1 Bingo Trappers 5/2 Silos 5/4 Alii w/ AN I 5/5 Memphis 5/6 Unltas 5/15 Poundhound 5/23 Iron Cross CtogglWM; 4/24 BLUE MOUNTAIN ($7) • Hie Mil: 4/28 ERIC JOHNSON AND DEREK TRUCKS" (S2O) The BEST live music 18 & over admitted “Atfvnnca ticket sale* at SchoolKida (In Cltapel HHI, Durham and Raleigh) For Credit Card order* CALL 919-987-9083 m ■ DAVID POVILL POTTY MOUTH of the Jews’ escape from slavery under the Egyptians a very long time ago. Without getting into the details, the story also involves a lot of famous bib lical stuff, like Moses parting the Red Sea, the 10 plagues and the first recorded mention of the importance of waiting at least a half an hour after eating before you go swimming. Anyway, to me, the story has always been an uplifting tale of the Jews’ triumph over their hard ships. To the non- Jew however, the story is, in the words of one scholar, “very, very scary.” For one, the 10 plagues thing is just plain freaky. Frogs rain down from the sky, swarms of locusts cover the land and the Nile flows red with blood. It sounds like the stuff bad acid trips are made of. Even scarier is the fact that we sing songs about them. Happy, fun songs about frogs in the Pharaoh’s bed and frogs on his head and frogs on his T| l(l | • 620 Market St. I Jl 111 I Nil Take 15/501 South towards Pittsboro Exit Main St./Southern Village HEARTBREAKERS TCD 7:06-9:35 SOMEONE LIKE YOU 9533 1:30-4:00-7:10-9:25 POKEMON 111 S3 1:15-3:15-5:15 SPY KIDS E 8 1:00-3:00-5:00-7;00-9.15 ADVENTURES OF JOE DIRT EHJ 1:25-3:30-5:30-7:30-9:30 Bargain Matinees Deity until 5:30 All seats $4.75 www.therlMlto.com □□ [DOLBY l STADI Um DIGITAL SEATING Pasa a Pafi? Lsc? * i-. • (ktioiocG c?.w Dance fo f lie Rnyf <>& Thursday April 12 Camaleon Thursday April 19 Salsa and Merengue Duet LuwCH Dinner Pafacsn' coif fodo i5.,5 Empanadas surrif Srh*ip campecne Tut? EiTCKiladas ii.is Make jraur stuff ffacnss/ < Much Msrc Available [30% 1 | OFF MEAL < | G99d Mitf'day-Tiiursd^jr I Expiration Date 4/30/01 (in) Ki-ioio I I I VO7 Wesf Vrawklin Sfreef • cnapel Hill, tfc zisiq • Ctit) 967-togo DIVERSIONS nose and frogs on his toes. It’s kind of like the Heffalumps and Woozles song in “Winnie the Pooh." Very twisted. Also, God, in this story, is very, very mean. I don’t know what crawled up his or her ass that day, but God was seriously pissed. Smiting the first-bom in every Egyptian family? What’s that about? I’m thankful for my people’s freedom, but it sounds to me like God had some issues back then. Someone get this God a puppy. (Just kidding there, big man. You know I got nothing but love for ya, guy. Keep bangin’. By the way, can you believe what Marty said? You better keep an eye on this one. He’s got “troublemaker" written all over him). Beyond that, the hardest part of { flßßd EASTERN J L Imm FEDERAL i L If THEATERS A f §■ PLAZA THEATRES X ( ■OH Elliott Rd. At East Franklin 1 mf 967-4737 / EXIT WOUNDS i 9:10 SPY KIDS El Daily 3:00.5:00,7:00 TOMCATS B Daily 9:00 POKEMON 3 89 Daily 3:10,5:10,7:10 ALONG CAME A SPIDER 1 Daily 3:10,5:20,7:30,9:40 JUST VISITING KB Daily 3:20,520,7:20,920 JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS BBS Daily 3:05,5:05,7:05,9:05 Of"* MOVIES AT TIMBERLYnTN 5* ™ Weaver Dairy at Airport Rd. ) If 933-8600 y KINGDOM COME IB Daily 3:00,59)0,7:00,9:00 BLOW G Daily 3:45,7:20,9:45 HEARTBREAKERS BBS Daily 3:30,7:00,9:30 SPY KIDS H Daily 3:05,5:05,79)5,99)5 SOMEONE UKE YOU BBS Daily 3:10,5:10,7:10,9:15 JOE DIRT BBS Daily 3:15,5:15,7:15,9:15 gar Pg A MB H Tickets • Showtimes for tod.iy only * No passes * No discount tickets VISIT OUR WEB SITE' www,Hollywood,com I Remember to come celebrate Cinco de Mayo Party All Weekend May 4-May 5 FREElapas Bar Every Thursday, Friday & Saturday Until 2AM Try sur floored Tropical Margarifas „ Tawiariffd Msn-fri LunC 030-230 miter Goo-fo3o ?ri<St &00-H3O cJgsg4 Suftty Passover is fighting off hordes of vicious relatives, all scrambling to get their fair share of the matzah ball soup. Many a life has been lost in the Great Matzah Ball Wars. I’m sorry. I should clarify that For those of you who are not Jewish, matzah ball soup is a sort of chicken based broth with little dough-like balls made out of the blood of Christian babies. No! I mean, they’re made out of egg and matzah meal and some other stuff, not including Christian baby blood. The point is, it’s really good. I swear. Try it David Povill loves Christian babies. Send evangelical texts to pfunk@email.unc.edu. - -E,! MMI Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon XBRgg 7:00, 9:30, SAT-SUN 2:00, 4:30 7:00, 9:40, SAT-SUN 2:00, 4:30 IO BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? * 7:10, 9:30 SAT-SUN 2:10, 4:20 gflliffFST GOOD FRIDAY MATINEES “WILDLY ENTERTAINING! ' BRIDGET JONES’S DIARY DELIVERS FRISKY _FUN! THETOYOFFIS DELICIOUS! BRIDGET JONES’S DIARY 7:20, 9:30, FRI-SUN 1:30, 3:20, 5:15 POLLOCK HOUSE OF MIRTH 7:00, SAT-SUN 2:00 9:20, SAT-SUN 4:20 0 KRS-One, tonight at Cat’s Cradle. One of hip hop’s founding fathers is still coming up with rhymes, like, every single day. 967-9053. a The Delta 72, Saturday at Go! Studios. 1 said get down! Philly-based Delta 72 kicks out the jams with classic R&B-tinged indie rock. 969-1400. a “Let Us Now Praise Famous Men,” Thursday through Sunday at Swain Hall Studio 6. An original adaptation of a work by James Agee and Walker Evans, pre sented by Street Signs Center for Literature ana Performance. 960-4299. Paint a perfect evening. See bow the art of fbadue will please everyone’s palate. For rerervalion*, caU (919) 878-0477. The \ M Melting Pot. jp * a fondue restaurant Dip into something different. tAA. A 3100 Wake Forest Road AA A Raleigh, NC 27609 "'M? www.mdtingpot.net jtjr * mm SHOES 9 A concept store men & women SI EoF' hFjjßt T? \ .a BUY A BAGEL, GET A BAGEL FREE! (up to a d)zen total!) purchase your AAAAA choice of delicious freshly baked I *■* bagel and get another FREE with this coupon. Buy as many as six bagels and get one FREE for each purchased. Limit six free bagels per customer per day. Offer good with this coupon only. Offer applies to freshly baked bagels only. Does not include cream cheese, toppings or other condiments.One offer per coupon. One per customer. Not valid in combination with other offers. Expires 5/15/2001 RRUEGGER’S BAGELS" CHAPEL HILL: 104 W. Franklin St. • Eastgate Shopping Center DURHAM: 626 Ninth Street * Commons at University RALEIGH: 2302 Hillsborough Street • Mission Valley Shopping Center • North HHIs Mall • Pleasant Valley Promenade • Sutton Square, Falls ot the Neuse Rd • Stonehenge Shopping Center, Creedmoor Rd. Harvest Plaza, Six Forks & Strickland Rds. GARNER: 117 Small Pine Drive (Hwy. 401N at Pine Winds Dr CARY: 122 S.W. Maynard Rd, • Preston Business Center, 4212 Cary Pkwy. Open Seven Days a Week news Bet you’ll polish off your FREE bagel saiydwicb iu do tinge with lljis^oupoo. One offer per coupon One per customei. Not valid in combination with other offers Expires 5/15/2001. RRUEGGER’S BAGELS” tnssfZE&n CHAPEL HILL: 104 W. Franklin St. • Eastgate Shopping Center DURHAM: 626 Ninth Street • Commons at University RALEIGH: 2302 Hillsborough Street • Mission VaHey Shopping Center • North Hills Mall • Pleasant Valley Promenade • Sutton Square, Falls ot the Neuse Rd • Stonehenge Shopping Center, Creedmoor Rd. Harvest Plaza. Six Forks & Strickland Rds. GARNER: 117 Small Pine Drive (Hwy. 401N at Pine Winds Dr CARY: 122 S.W. Maynard Rd. • Preston Business Center, 4212 Cary PVwy. Open Seven Days a Week news Thursday, April 12, 2001 Donald |. I’lituM §...■. Camper Charles D ivid I Kenneth Cole Nine West DKNY : BCBG I Coach bebc I ■ V *.. V la rypiga I and more,. SOHO SHOES Northfrate Mail , Durham 416-3963 , wsvsv.sohoshoes.eom 9
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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April 12, 2001, edition 1
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